DoubleDragons

Ok, please help me with your experience and insight. Since many of you actually live with your qualifiers, you may better help me to understand this. My AM ruined Christmas with her alcoholic behavior, having her worst, out-of-control public drunken scene that I have yet witnessed (and I have witnessed a few from her). I spoke to my AM on many occasions in 2014 when it was obvious that she was drunk in the morning and often she got extremely drunk in the evenings whenever I had been with her. However, I have not witnessed one ounce of drunken behavior from her, since then, either in person or on the phone. She spent several hours with our family yesterday and was coherent, healthy looking and obviously sober. She does not admit to having a drinking problem and for most of my life she has drunk wine every single night, so I don't believe that this has changed. However, this kind of yo-yoing makes me feel crazy. My parents love to call me "the drama queen" and frankly, I am starting to question what is really going on here. Do your qualifiers waffle between being completely out of control drunk and then seemingly very much in control?? Thanks in advance!

ladyscribbler

My ex was a binge drinker, which was very confusing. He used to be able to go for several days or even a few weeks between binges, or hold it together for a period of time when it suited him.
You are neither crazy nor a drama queen. I didn't even associate the word "alcoholic" with my father until I was in my mid-twenties. He was a vodka in his coffee mug-type drinker. You'd only ever see him have a beer or two.
Then he made a big announcement that he had quit drinking. He told my brother. I had gone no contact with him by then.
My brother quit visiting him soon after that. One of the last things my dad said to him was, "I don't understand what you kids have against me. What did I ever do to you?"
All addiction is crazymaking for those it touches, especially when the addict or alcoholic is a parent.
Hugs DD. I know how hard it is.

firebolt

Yeah, my ABF is a daily drinker and is just as confusing lol.

There are days that I head home from work expecting him to be 3 sheets and I prepare myself to be ready to break plans with him because I won't hang out with him when he's that way. MOST of the time, I am pleasantly surprised, and I start to feel crazy too. Like I am making my expectations so low so I am not disappointed. Then again, there are times where I'm ready to go have some fun, talked to him an hour before, hes fine, then I get home to blotto boy.

I'm learning to take it as it comes and not expect anything. I don't expect him to be good, and I don't expect him to be bad. It is what it is and I will do what is best for me accordingly.

WHAT A FREAKING ACCORIDAN RIDE HUH?!

hopeful4

My XAH was definitely a binge drinker. He could go for days or weeks also. It's very frustrating. I am sorry.

HopefulinFLA

My RAH was also a binge drinker. I never new what I'd come home too. One night he might be sober and sweet and preparing a mice dinner. The next he might be passed out on the couch with food all over himself. It created A LOT of anxiety for me.

You are not the crazy one, but alcoholics can certainly make you feel that way!

TerpGal

My dad was a binge drinker. Would go long stretches without drinking. Except he was terrifyingly angry ALL THE TIME. When I was younger, into my early 20s I actually liked him BETTER drunk. He stopped being angry and became almost euphoric, wanting to dance and listen to music with us. Of course we all know that doesn't last forever. Now when he drinks that frenetic energy becomes irrational anxiety. And the binges are getting closer together. So maybe it was a mindfudge in reverse LOL.

My RAH otoh was a daily 18 beer a day drinker, and that was on a workday. Weekends he could probably kill a case of beer. So with that, I knew what to expect. That's why it's harder for me now, because I DONT know what to expect anymore. It's a maddening situation, any way you slice it. Having an alcoholic parent.........Sucks.

Stung

Before a year ago my husband was a daily drinker and I pretty much couldn't stand to speak to him at all. I think he has since turned into a binge drinker and oscillates between angry, aggressive jerk or kind, funny and thoughtful. When he's not drinking he's wonderful to be around. When he is drinking I pretty much want him totally out of my life. If we didn't have small children together I would have been no contact with him long ago.

My mother is not an alcoholic but is a narcissist and I am in VERY limited contact with her. I've had to ask myself, what do I get out my relationship with her? For me, I gain more from NOT having her in my life than I did from maintaining a very dysfunctional relationship with her.

torquemax777

I can relate. My AH decided to quit (again) around January 2nd. He even voluntarily went to AA a few times, read, studied, spoke candidly to an alcoholic friend in front of me. If you didn't know him, I swear, you would have thought he had a bachelors degree in drug and alcohol counseling; BLEW ME AWAY! This was a couple weeks ago.

Fast forward to this past Sunday, this same alcoholic friend stops by with his dad right after my AH discovers that our only vehicle is more broke down then he thought. So I guess the story goes (he tells me this story the next day) the dad at some point pops off to my AH that he hates ex drinkers because they get holier than thou preachy.

I guess this is the straw that broke camels back and he decided to drink at that point. After the friend and his dad left (I was in the house that whole time) he told me he was going out on the 4 wheeler, which at the time I thought was a good thing since he had been using 4wheeling as a sobriety tool.

4 hours later he comes home snockered! I used the "disengaging" tools I've learned here and refused to speak to him unless absolutely necessary. He pouted and thought I was being heartless; though he just got done telling his mom over the phone earlier that day that I would do exactly that if he ever drank again. So, he left drunk on the 4 wheeler to that same friend he so heartfeltedly poured his soul out to about getting and staying sober.... Cool eh? Bet the friend will never listen to his BS ever again, and won't trust him to ever STAY sober.

Big regret the next day. Missed a day at work that we really can't afford, and threw a great sobriety headstart and proud 30 days out the window.

He's been both a daily drinker and a binge drinker. I don't think one is necessarily better or worse than the other, but I will say, the binge brings more of a "sinking of the stomach" feeling; cuz no matter how many times they go back to drinking after a period of sobriety, you always hope "maybe just maybe, this time will stick! Maybe this time he really will STAY sober."

It's as if the heart never learns. And just like they never seem to learn from their bad consequences, or hangovers; we never seem to learn that unless they are actually in recovery and NOT just abstaining from drinking, they will drink again and break our hearts.

ladyscribbler

It's as if the heart never learns. And just like they never seem to learn from their bad consequences, or hangovers; we never seem to learn that unless they are actually in recovery and NOT just abstaining from drinking, they will drink again and break our hearts.

This. Thank you TM. Eloquently stated.

DoubleDragons

Thank you so much, everyone. As they say, more will be revealed . . . . well, she called me this afternoon, not too long after I wrote this post, obviously hammered. Pathetically, I almost feel relieved and validated, but also, as you so perfectly nailed it, torque, heartbroken.

Sotiredofitall

Hugs DD.

DoubleDragons

So, my AM calls me today, sober, with the usual icky sweet MO of trying to act like nothing unusual happened. I got off the phone quickly. I am just so exhausted of the "putting the elephant under the rug" trick. I just don't think I can do it anymore.

torquemax777

Do not blame you at all! Sometimes I see my AH get so easily irritated and offended at other people! One time I popped off, " how would you like to be me when I'm putting up with your drunk ass?" He looked at me and with all seriousness said, " hell no! There'd be NO way I would put up with someone like me drunk or sober!"

LemonGirl

Oh Torque! I wish we could all say something like that! Haha

torquemax777

That's what makes him somewhat unique in his alcoholism. He's very open and honest about who he is and what's wrong with him.

I was in the car (I know, I know STUPID) when he got his 5th DUI back in 2008. The blue and red flashers came on in our rear view mirror, he says "crap" as if he just got a flat tire or something. He pulls over, gets out, puts his hands behind his back and says, " well officer, you got me; I'm drunk, might as well take me to jail. No use wasting your time on a field sobriety test! "

I'm not lying. I think that's why I've stuck it out with him so long; he can be so honest, and even humble about his drinking.