Butterfly

So he has made contact with a solicitor and is agreeing to mediation so now the process of discovery starts of all financial documents but here is what is making me angry!! Because I earn more money than he does I may end up paying him maintenance!!!! I am so angry how can this be fair he walks out and I could have to pay him I mean seriously how come I could end up penalised?? I am so angry that this could be the way. Why should I pay for him I worked hard to get where I am. I just don't know what to do whether to agree to his lies on the divorce petition and walk away as quickly as I can and accept my losses or do I fight??

PRt of me thinks why should he get to have his good pension, that was after all my financial security for my future too as my pension isn't as good and I only started it 6 years ago as I worked part time before I went to university and looked after the kids. He got £16,000.00 equity about 4 years ago from the house when the one time I asked him to leave. But then I risk having to pay him maintenance if I go after his money!!

Or again I walk away.

Sorry this is rambling I have so much running round my head and I can't even make sense of it!!!!!

hopeful4

Ugh. What does your attorney advise you to do??

Refiner

This is just maddening! I would definitely listen to your solicitor on what will end up being the best outcome for YOU. Sometimes biting the bullet during the short-term could eventually help you out more in the long-term. But then you have to weigh the emotional consequences, too.

SparkleKitty

Butterfly is there a reason you would not have right to part of his pension?

Esspee

Definitely get down to the CAB. He and his solicitor will stretch the truth as much as they can. Also take advantage of any solicitors offering first hour free.

maia1234

Butterfly,
So this means the faster you gt the divorce the faster he will get off your payroll.

Butterfly

Thank you everyone.

Honeypig It was my solicitor who told me about this then says don't worry we will try to make sure that doesn't happen!! Ah hello I do worry, I don't have a lot of faith in her but my barrister is good and from the moment I met her I had confidence but I don't see her every time and won't see her until the mediation.

Sparklekitty, I have no idea what I am entitled to and also what he would be entitled to.

I am so angry at the thought.

I have been feeling so overwhelmed recently with my feelings and emotions it's all too much I just want to run away!!!!

hopeful4

Don't future trip! I did that so badly when my X and I were hammering out the details. Stay calm and focused and deal with facts, not fears.

XXX

SparkleKitty

I see -- well the good news is that you can find out! A solicitor will not only let you know what you are entitled to but will help you fight for it! Take that anger to a lawyer my friend and get what you deserve!

AnvilheadII

just want to play devil's advocate....if HE had to pay YOU maintenance, you'd be ok with that??? most of the time the male spouse earns more money and therefore pays the wife - and rarely does anybody seem to have a problem with that....seems "fair" - but when the wife earns more and the parties divorce, the thought that she might have to pay maintenance is insufferable.......sometimes we have a double standard.

LexieCat

Have your solicitor explain it to you. I don't practice in the UK, but here, relative salaries are only a tiny part of the total picture.

I agree--don't future-trip. But insist on an explanation you can understand. And don't freak out while it's being explained.

Gonnachange

You're right in seeking legal advice and while talking with someone versed in the appropriate laws bring something to take notes with or record. It's new territory, it's confusing, and it's emotional so you want to make sure you are able properly recall the advice given you.

Butterfly

Sparklekitty. I have a solicitor she doesn't seem to be able to answer what I'm entitled to and what he will be entitled to from me!! He may be entitled to money, assets but we will try to make sure it doesn't happen!! Arghhhhh

I can't cope with this or anything hiding away from the world is safer

Gonnachange

No hiding from this or the world is NOT safer. Strategies have to be thought out and decisions have to be made that will affect you for a long time, possibly for the rest of your life. Meet this head on, get the best possible outcome you can for yourself, and then go on with your life.

Butterfly

I won't really know what I am entitled to until we go through discovery and everything financial is known.

No anvil I don't think I should have to pay him maintenance he walked out to drink unrestricted!!!! If he had the kids living with him then yes I would until they finished university but they don't they live with me!! He has already had equity from the house, his pension, he worked full time while I looked after the kids or he left to drink!!

He has p***ed off and has no responsibilities am I angry that he gets to swan about as if he has no responsibilities hell yes!! But am I strong enough to battle this out when I am devastated by his choice and his actions.......at the minute no.

My counsellor and I were talking last night about hiding away from the world and for me it is safer there is no risk no risk of getting hurt or face the unknown of being on my own. I am focusing on the kids and probably using my responsibilities to them as an excuse to hide away and not force myself to go out. I come home from work lock the doors close the blinds keep myself busy until I can go to bed as early as possible!! For me this is how I run away although I would love to run and be completely on my own sometimes. I am feeling so overwhelmed, worthless and completely and utterly lost. I don't know how to cope with the hurt, betrayal, how he has treated me and the kids and the lies!!

Rosiepetal

Don't panic until you have all the facts & options & information in front of you.
I drove myself crazy trying to predict court outcomes but if I went back & did it again I would not react to anything until all facts were presented.
Deep breaths, one day at a time, you can do this.

Butterfly

Thank you rosiepetal

ubntubnt

Butterfly, I can understand that you are upset and there are aspects of this that you consider unfair....that said, its a time for you to be level headed and detailed and stand your ground and fight for what you are entitled too.

Saying that your solicitor is not representing you properly, or how it's fair or unfair or how much your ex is an xxxx or whatever are all irrelevant to the settlement.

There is only you and how you manage this situation. This means clearly understanding your rights and having support that ensures that they know what they are doing. If your solicitor is not capable of doing this then change them, or get additional help.

You should scour all documents that your ex provides and make 100% that all of his assets and income streams are accounted for. It is ultimately YOUR responsibility to do this. You may have a court approved process or solicitor available to help you but its your life. When I got divorced years ago my solicitor was always one step behind and that was ok. I needed her to follow due process and for legal advice but when it came to ensuring that everything was accounted for and that nothing slipped through the cracks that was up to me.

So, forget the emotions for now. Sit down with your pen and calculator and work out what you want from this and then work with your solicitors to get as much of it as possible. That way, irrespective of the result you will know that you got the best deal that was available to you. After that, if you don't like it, thats too bad. It is the situation that you have gotten yourself into. At least you will then be free to move on and you will never regret that it seems.

FeelingGreat

Butterfly I've been through the Australian divorce system and our legal system is based on yours. Pensions are taken into account, even if they can't be split on the spot. So should your previous payments to him for house equity.
If you have the children living with you and they are still dependent, this will also be counted.
Your legal advisors are probably waiting for the disclosure process to be completed before they get more specific. As tub has advised, make sure you present everything that supports your case, with all the paper work involved. Times you have supported the kids on your own, lump sums you have paid out to AH. No point in getting upset now.