One of the huge problems in AH's eyes
 

Is that I haven't worked since May when I got fired for missing 6 days due to my depression and anxiety.
My depression and anxiety have been at functional levels and at non-functional levels over our 20 year relationship.
There were times when the 7 kids were all little that it was very hard for me to get out of bed, and I did the bare minimum to keep them taken care of.
There were great times too.
I think starting around April I went downhill again really badly and I think I had a nervous breakdown. I've developed panic attacks in the past few months too which are pretty debilitating. They keep me from doing even daily things around the house.
In the past month where my Ah has started to get abusive when he's drinking, something inside of me kind of came alive again and I want to go back to work and get my own place and get away from this nonsense.
But my anxiety and panic attacks are so bad.
I'm a nurse and definitely don't feel I could work safely as a nurse right now, I have so much brain fog and I'm sooo forgetful.
But I could do other jobs I think.

Anyhow, my point of this post is that my AH basically believes that my depression and anxiety is a bunch of BS even though he's seen it with his own eyes.
His tirade tonight was about having to carry me for the past year, that I'm an anchor weighing him and everyone around me down. That I just want people to take care of me and feel sorry for me.
Which is not true. At all. When we've been separated on the past I've been just fine on my own.

He thinks in these past months I should have been able to "grow up and stand up and act like an adult" regarding my depression and anxiety. He rubbed it I that I lost my job because I "couldn't get my lazy a$$ out of bed and go to work"

It's like he has no insight at all into what kind of shape I've been in mentally. Where everyday was a struggle convincing myself not to kill myself.

Why can't he understand I'm not doing this on purpose? He knows mental illness runs in my family. He's seen it in my mom, my grandma didn't come out of her room for most of my moms childhood and had to have electroshock therapy.

He said tonight that I've den nothing with my life besides go to and pass nursing school, he took credit for raising the kids. What?!?!

I don't want anyone to "carry me" or feel sorry for me.
I want to be well and run my own life.

So frustrated.

I'm a nurse too and its totally impossible to work those shifts with anxiety/ depression. Its hard enough healthy. He would do well to develop some empathy. What he said was awful and not supportive at all. Im angry on your behalf. I wish I could give you helpful advice. I was depressed a few years ago and also could not work. This has nothing to do with being lazy. I'm sorry but lazy people don't get through nursing school. I hope you feel better soon. Hugs

He's an alcoholic. He doesn't have the prerequisites for empathy. He also doesn't have the prerequisites to do anything logical. I'm sure there are resources out there for you to get help with your depression. I'm not defending him at all, but you are responsible for yourself and getting yourself out of the muck. It's been hard, but I've almost gotten myself back into the light completely. I had to stop making excuses for why I couldn't get to a therapist for help and meds - there was no excuse. Eventually you've gotta start taking care of yourself. Just sitting around letting him tear you down isn't going to help.

I am on meds. I haven't had health insurance or a vehicle for all of this time so anything else has been next to impossible. The counseling place in our county that is based on income has a 3.5 month waiting list to get in. So mix in no insurance, no vehicle, no one to help, no money and I guess that's all excuses to some people but it's reality to me. Sometimes people are stuck.

No one can understand major depression unless they've experienced it. Where you don't shower for over a week, you don't eat, you don't care about the consequences of anything because it's all too much. Sleep is all you want to do. You don't care about anything you once enjoyed, you or get rid of your belongings because they don't matter anymore. Getting out of bed to do anything small/simple is a major accomplishment to you.
You fight with the bad things going on in your head constantly. Every day is a struggle to just live. Your mind tells you over and over that you're ok good, worthless, that everyone would be better off without you, that you're a failure at everything, and on and on.
Mix all of that with anxiety and panic and it's just too much.

But yeah, there is no empathy at all. If it were my spouse in that condition, I'd be packing them into the car and taking them to the hospital.
Sometimes you are so sick that you can't help yourself.
I don't expect people to understand but I expect them to try.
Anyhow I don't even really known what the point of this post is. I guess just the fact that AH has no empathy.
When you are severely depressed you can't just pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get on with things. It's much different from being sad or having the blues.
People wouldn't tell someone with cancer to just get over it. It's the same thing with mental illness. I hate feeling this way. I'd love to be happy and be totally functional if my brain chemicals would let me.

Pink- have you looked at healthcare.gov to see if you qualify for Medicaid? I am sorry you are going through such a hard time. I suffer from depression as well and understand how hard it can be.

You didn't choose depression, it chose you.

Genetic predisposition

Alcoholism is the same.

Genetic predisposition.

I think both of you seem too focused on the others illness to recover from your own.

He's looking at you going "geez no wonder I drink"

Your looking at him going "geez no wonder I'm depressed"

Who's going to get well first?

If you wait for him to get well before you start, it might never happen :(

Start by yourself, no matter what he does or says, the ball is in your court for your recovery.

Which is not true. At all. When we've been separated on the past I've been just fine on my own.

This line really stood out to me.

Honey, alcoholics go for the juggler , it's how they keep us confused and feeling like we can't live without them, don't listen to his crap, because that is what it is. The booze looks really ugly on him, I am so sorry, nothing he says is true. xo

pink, it is ALWAYS going to be someone else's fault that he drinks. If you didn't have depression, trust me, it would be his boss, or his family, or society in general. Alcoholics CANNOT take responsibility for their own drinking. It's too difficult for them to do.

Your depression is simply what he's hanging his hat on. And my bet is that a large part of your depression and anxiety are products of living with active alcoholism and abuse. Not that I'm discounting any clinical depression/anxiety, but if you have that then the situation certainly is aggravating it.

I totally understand.
 

Members of my family have had problems with that too.

And no, you sure can't just "get over it."

I think one reason your AH is acting like a b***head about it is that it's an inconvenience to him.

So if his complaint is that you aren't working…..

How about you say to him you want to go back to work so you can start contributing to the family. Need to get the car fixed. Leave it at that. Start going through the motions of looking for jobs online etc.

You may not really have it in you to get a job right now living with crazy town, and I do understand your situation. Maybe you have enough in you to appear that you are trying to to AH and maybe, just maybe he will get that car fixed.

Manipulative but who gives a rat you are a prisoner.

Hello Pink, I've seen major depression turn several people into a shell of themselves.

You are not safe from your A or your own mind. Can you call on a friend or relative to be your problem helper - the one making you slowly accomplish things to hopefully bridge you back to a life? You need to reach out and ask for help. this person will get your needs prioritized and help you chip away at them. Because your mind can't really do that right now. Did you make an appointment with the sliding scale facility or just give up?

Would your depression would be less severe with your A not in the immediate picture?

I'm praying for you!