Alcoholic ex seeking recovery and making me second guess

Old 02-03-2015, 08:09 PM
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Alcoholic ex seeking recovery and making me second guess

Started dating a girl about 2 years ago. Everything seemed pretty great, though I noticed at parties she would sometimes get very drunk very fast. I didn't think anything of it at the time, though it did start to annoy me after a certain time.

Then back in March I find out she got a DWI from a night back in February where she called me to pick her up on the side of the highway because she had ran out of gas. I couldn't find her and told her to call the cops, which she did. They dropped her off at my house at around 4 or 5 in the morning and didn't tell me anything about it. After I confronted her about it she decided to go home. Turns out on the way back to her house she got drunk and passed out in her car on the side of the road. I called her over and over because her texts made no sense and eventually a woman answered who said they were taking her to the hospital because she seemed "extremely intoxicated", which led to another DWI.

After that it all went downhill and became worse and worse. I'd show up at her house and find her passed out in her bed completely drunk, and then the next day she'll say she wasn't drunk and she can't believe I'd leave after driving all the way to see her. It's so bad now that I can't even tell when she's drunk or not when I talk to her on the phone. Met her at a friend's wedding and she completely gone. Things like that, over and over again.

I finally made the effort to truly end the relationship around mid December. I saw her a few times after that at holiday events and she was acting very odd. Weird inflections on her words and just sounding spacey. I thought maybe she was drinking enough to get drunk, but not blackout like she used to, though besides the weird way of talking she didn't SEEM drunk. So I finally told her we can't see each other and we needed to be done. A bit after this she told me she was going into an actual rehab program for an unknown period of time. I told her I was happy for her and I'd support her, but it didn't change us not being together.

Since then I've been hanging out with other girls and felt like I was moving on, since I'd really felt like I had given up back in the fall. Then she called me from her center last week and she sounded different. The weird tone in her voice was gone and she just sounded better. She talked for a bit about what she was doing at the clinic and said I could go visit that Saturday. I went to visit and saw her mom, but I guess she forgot to add me to the list (or didn't think I was coming) so I couldn't go in to see her. It really bothered me because I wanted to see if she seemed any better after a week and a half of sobriety.

Now I'm starting to have this hope that maybe she can get better and I don't want to even try to see anyone else. I guess that means I'm not truly moved on after all? Yet I know she won't be immediately better or if I'd want to try and restart our relationship again if she was, considering how much I wanted to move on in the first place.

I suppose I don't even have a question to ask, but now I feel so confused. I thought I was ready not to see her anymore. All I could think of was her constant lies, huge change in behavior and comprehension, and how much I wanted something better. Now I wonder if she could change and actually stick to it. Might be worth noting she has a daughter too, who is currently staying with my ex's mom while she is in rehab.
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Old 02-04-2015, 05:20 AM
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If I were you I wouldn't jump back in with both feet.

I'd keep seeing other girls, keep moving on with your life. You might meet someone truly awesome without all the drama that this one brought into your life.

If she gets better, good for her. She's got a long, long way to go before she's fit relationship material.
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Old 02-04-2015, 05:27 AM
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Yes--her recovery, if she really is in and stays in recovery, will take a long
time and be a difficult road.

I think move on for now and see how she does down the road, maybe in a year or so
if she is really working recovery, and you both are single, you can revisit this but it really
isn't a good idea for either you or her to be focusing on a relationship when she needs
to be totally focused on her sobriety and program of recovery right now.
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Old 02-04-2015, 06:47 AM
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Dear Ch1
I used to suffer under the delusion that things would be just great between me and my ex if he just quit drinking.

There is a lot more to addiction than just the substance.

I can tell from your post that you are seeing new "red flags," especially not being on the visitors' list at her facility.

I can see why some programs recommend that the addict be sober and work their program for a year before we contemplate seeing them. Even then, it is extremely risky.

The only advice I can give you, is, get into AlAnon and work your program for all it's worth. And, keep coming back here for support.
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Old 02-04-2015, 07:05 AM
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Originally Posted by ch1 View Post
Weird inflections on her words and just sounding spacey. I thought maybe she was drinking enough to get drunk, but not blackout like she used to, though besides the weird way of talking she didn't SEEM drunk.
She was probably just trading one "addiction" for another and numbed herself out on something like XANAX instead alcohol. That's what my A sister would do until she said eff it and did both together until it put her into a coma. Personally, I would move on and see other people and hope she does recover. You wouldn't know if she's serious about her recovery unless her "actions" (not words) indicate she's in reovery over the next couple of years, anyway. Do you really want to wait around that long constantly looking over your shoulder and waiting for the other shoe to drop?
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Old 02-04-2015, 08:47 AM
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Really, you should give a year before even thinking abut another go round. Her recovery IF she moves forward with it will be really hard, and its really hard on a relationship. Please read through the many posts on here of what the spouses/partners of those going through recovery endure. If she is 12 stepping she will be advised strongly not to enter into a relationship or make any major life decisions for a year.

I'm glad she chose to go to rehab, and wish her the best in her journey.
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Old 02-04-2015, 09:07 AM
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Try not to let your "feelings" get in the way of reality.
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Old 02-04-2015, 09:13 AM
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Run and do not look back.
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Old 02-04-2015, 09:49 AM
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ch1....you will hear "one year", a lot. In reality, that is only the beginning for the recovering alcoholic. One year is a good beginning, true. And, they can function a lot better by that time.
But, the internal changes that they need to deal with take a lot more time.
think more in terms of 3years..that is, if they are rigorously working their recovery program and really learning to deal with life on life's terms.

In that amount of time, you could (probably) both be very different people. It would be a whole new ballgame...not just an extention of your origional "dreams".

Just think about this...

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Old 02-04-2015, 02:56 PM
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Thank you everyone.

I've read the "at least a year" statements in other readings I've done too. I suppose it's just hard thinking in terms of that. I know she really cares for me and she isn't close to anyone else minus select parts of her family. So I feel terrible having to tell her we can't continue on.

She's sent me letters and I've written her back too, which also makes it harder. I was feeling fine until the other day when things just snapped and now I feel like I'm back to square one in attempting to fully move on. I really don't know what else to say I suppose.
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Old 02-04-2015, 05:52 PM
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Originally Posted by ch1 View Post
Thank you everyone.

I've read the "at least a year" statements in other readings I've done too. I suppose it's just hard thinking in terms of that. I know she really cares for me and she isn't close to anyone else minus select parts of her family. So I feel terrible having to tell her we can't continue on.

She's sent me letters and I've written her back too, which also makes it harder. I was feeling fine until the other day when things just snapped and now I feel like I'm back to square one in attempting to fully move on. I really don't know what else to say I suppose.
You don't have to SAY or THINK anything right now. She is safe and so are you. Just let her work her program and if you want to keep writing her letters, I say just do it.

Just understand the risks you are taking. That's all. Alcoholism is really really tough on EVERYONE. I'm not saying that she will fail...but statistically, yeah she will probably fail.

My husband just got out of rehab two week ago and he's already back to the booze. So just don't set really high expectations of her if you want to stick around. And if you DON'T want to stick around- now is the time to exit stage left.

Good luck to you
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Old 02-05-2015, 09:07 PM
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Go with your first instinct. Move on. She will get along without you and she'll do better with her focus on her recovery.
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Old 02-05-2015, 09:29 PM
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Sorry Ch1 as I am sure we have not given you the answer you were looking for. She is so early into her recovery. Go check out the forum for the new comers to recovery. Just look at those posts of the A's trying to stay sober. The challenges that they face. This is what you are going to sign up for, if you support her right now and be there for her. It is not pretty. It is not easy to quit alcohol.

Sobriety is only something she can do, you can not help in anyway. You have to give her time to see the consequences of her life. You should really hate her for all the crxp she has done to you and is still doing, by not putting your name down on the list. Just another disappointment from her. Write that list of stuff she has done to you, down on paper, and remember it!!

What we are saying is, if your relationship was meant to be, then it will. Give her "her" time to find herself, time to self reflect and grow. She has to do so the "two" of you can move forward. We know, we see it every day here. You can not love an A sober. Just doesn't work. Their number one love is alcohol, not you or me.

Sorry, keep reading and educating yourself!! Stay away as you will get bitten!! IMO!!
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Old 02-06-2015, 12:13 PM
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There's no way of knowing, right now, whether she'll change and stick to it. Any more than you can know what the view from the top of the mountain will be like when you've only just started to climb it. In a year's time, if she's maintained her sobriety and is serious about recovery then that's a good sign - but I have a very good friend who's a recovering alcoholic, and he talks about friends who've started drinking again after 12 years of sobriety, so even that's no guarantee.

You have no ties to this woman apart from emotional ones, and your feelings are based on your perception during the honeymoon stage of a relationship while she was drinking When people start to take their recovery seriously, the personality changes; the one who was the (alcohol fuelled) life and soul of the party can become withdrawn and socially anxious and so on - in short, the personality issues that alcohol 'protected' them from will come to the fore.

What I'm saying is that you don't really know who this woman is, sober. And if she doesn't get sober, you are all too aware of what she's like.

By the sound of it you are a free agent. In your position I'd be using that freedom to find a partner with a more stable personality.
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Old 03-15-2015, 09:36 PM
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Figured I'd post an update as some nonsense has happened since and really brought me down.

After she got out of rehab a few weeks ago she seemed much better. She was expressing herself and not letting her home situation cause her to stress out and drink. Then last Friday I call her and she sounds clearly intoxicated. I call her out on it and she denies it. I tell her the next day that I'm not going to come visit her since I know she's lying, and that Monday she calls and admits to it. I proceed to tell her that I realize I can't trust her at all anymore and that we need to just stop talking.

So for this whole past week I didn't talk to her at all and she didn't attempt to talk to me. Flashforward to Saturday night. A friend of mine tells me his girlfriend saw my ex's name come up on an app that tracks arrests in the area. She sends a photo of the mugshot and arrest and it's my ex. Arrested mid Friday morning for another DWI and currently in jail for who knows how long.

I guess I don't know what to feel. I knew there'd be problems, but I didn't expect her to get another DWI. I don't even know what she was doing driving around at that time anyway, as she didn't have meetings on Fridays.

I'm worried what's going to happen to her now, even though I know it doesn't concern me at all anymore. That's 3 DWI's in about a year. I know the first two were combined into one case, but still. That fact that she's in jail is shocking. I still feel really horrible and don't know what to tell myself.
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Old 03-15-2015, 09:51 PM
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She's not ready to quit. No one on the outside can say with certainty what will motivate an individual to seek recovery. For some one DUI does the trick, others don't even get that far. They see that alcohol is negatively effecting their life and relationships and that's it.
Others end up on the street, in jail or dead, but still never admit that alcohol is a problem for them.
That's why we on the other side, who love alcoholics and addicts, can't waste out lives waiting for them to see the light. Sorry your ex is making such poor choices, but for those of us who haven't lived it, the disease of addiction is incomprehensible.
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Old 03-15-2015, 10:04 PM
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Hi ch1, speaking as a sober A, it is very hard to quit unless you're lucky enough to have one of those moments where it all becomes clear. Getting to that point can take many attempts and years of trying. You EXAGF isn't there yet.

What part do you play in this? You sound like a guy with clear boundaries in that you won't be around her when she's intoxicated. There's nothing much you can do because she's obviously chosen to drink, and far worse, chosen to drive. Not all drunk people get behind the wheel.

The 3rd DWI is fortunate if she's driving drunk. It might just save her's and others' lives. If she opts for rehab again, and calls you sober you'll have to think about whether you want to be dragged back in.
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Old 03-15-2015, 10:05 PM
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Try not to let your "feelings" get in the way of reality. (knowthetriggers.)

yeppers, this says it all.

While you maybe hoping and wishing that she is on the way to recovery, the reality is that is years away. How much of you are you willing to invest into a "no guarantee" situation. The actual percentage of people who recover is low, very low.

There are millions of available women who are not addicted to alcohol, that's the direction I would be heading, in your shoes.
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Old 03-16-2015, 01:39 AM
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Originally Posted by ch1 View Post
Figured I'd post an update as some nonsense has happened since and really brought me down.

After she got out of rehab a few weeks ago she seemed much better. She was expressing herself and not letting her home situation cause her to stress out and drink. Then last Friday I call her and she sounds clearly intoxicated. I call her out on it and she denies it. I tell her the next day that I'm not going to come visit her since I know she's lying, and that Monday she calls and admits to it. I proceed to tell her that I realize I can't trust her at all anymore and that we need to just stop talking.

So for this whole past week I didn't talk to her at all and she didn't attempt to talk to me. Flashforward to Saturday night. A friend of mine tells me his girlfriend saw my ex's name come up on an app that tracks arrests in the area. She sends a photo of the mugshot and arrest and it's my ex. Arrested mid Friday morning for another DWI and currently in jail for who knows how long.

I guess I don't know what to feel. I knew there'd be problems, but I didn't expect her to get another DWI. I don't even know what she was doing driving around at that time anyway, as she didn't have meetings on Fridays.

I'm worried what's going to happen to her now, even though I know it doesn't concern me at all anymore. That's 3 DWI's in about a year. I know the first two were combined into one case, but still. That fact that she's in jail is shocking. I still feel really horrible and don't know what to tell myself.
Either her life will spiral out of control and she'll stop, take stock of the situation and decide that enough is enough. Or she won't.

For yourself, you can either decide to have an emotional involvement from a distance, and feel terrible about matters which are entirely beyond your control and not your responsibility - or you can stop maintaining your contact with her, directly and indirectly, mentally wish her all the best in life - and let her go.

Watching someone you care about increasingly self-destruct while you stand there helplessly is the stuff of nightmares, and gut-wrenching - I know. I've found with family members that the only thing to do for my own sanity was detach with love, and recognise that they had their own reasons for acting the way they did - which were nothing to do with me.

Just as only she can decide whether to carry on drinking or not, only you can decide whether you want to have some kind of emotional investment in her or not.
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Old 03-16-2015, 02:13 AM
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ch1.....I imagine that y ou are beginning to see that she will have a few years of hard work in front of her....after the point that she hits her bottom.

Look at it this way: You are not good for her. It is advised that starting an intimate relationship while beginning recovery is not a good thing....because it is too triggering in early recovery. It usually derails recovery....leads to relapses..

You have not had time to completely mourn the loss of the "dream" of the relationship.
You still have to complete that (it hurts!).
You may always care about her at a human level. That shows your humanity.
We don't always get to keep the people that we love, in this life. A hard fact of life, to be sure. But, that is the way life works, sometimes.
Perhaps, you can return her to the Universe (let go and let God)...with a caring heart....and pray that the best things in life come to her.

This is, obviously, not the right relationship for you to make a life long intimate committment to. That does not mean that it has not been a valid one in terms of the humanity involved. Every person who passes through our lives are valuable in one way or another. If she ever does gain genuine recovery..she will not, by definition, be the same person that you first met, anyway.

For yourself....pray for acceptance and peace with this. "Let go and let God".

ch1...a fully appreciate how hard this all is. I am just talking to you as if you were my very best friend.

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