Money is a touchy subject with the A.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 5
Money is a touchy subject with the A.
My ABF has had a job the entire time we've been seeing each other, however he got to a point during the summer where he was low on money. So, of course, I helped him out with a few things. He rented a new place in July after not having his own place for about 6 months, so I helped him out with getting a few essentials, kitchen stuff, things like that. No expectation of repayment.
He got a new job during this time, one that would pay nearly 4x what he was making, but there was a gap between the end of the old job and the start of the new job. There were a couple of times that he just outright asked me to borrow money. $50 here, $150 there, all with the promises of repayment. Not to mention, all the "will you pick up some beer on your way over" and "will you pick up some smokes" text messages, several times a week. I finally had to tell him that I couldn't afford to do that anymore, I barely get by on what I make now. The one time I asked him to actually pay me back, he acted so offended, and made me feel bad for even asking.
The new job finally started in September, and after playing catch-up for a couple of months, he is back on his feet, financially. And he hasn't had a drink since January 5th. Both very good things, no doubt.
I went out of town on a work trip about 10 days ago, and before I left he offered me some spending money. I told him I didn't feel comfortable borrowing money from him, but he insisted and said I needn't worry about paying him back. I figured it was a nice gesture for all the times I went broke before payday over the summer. So I accepted it. Because I'm a dumb-dumb.
During the trip, I spoke to him several times, and he repeated himself about not needing to pay it back. I still felt weird about it, but whatever. I stopped worrying about it.
Today, I gave him the gift I got him while I was gone. It was nothing fancy, just something I saw that made me think of him, so I got it. His reaction was less than enthused, like "oh you went to Vegas and that's what you got me?" It hurt my feelings, but I didn't react. Then in the next breath, he said "So, what about the money I loaned you? Are you going to be able to pay that back soon?"
I calmly reminded him that he told me on three different occasions that I didn't have to repay him. Then I just wrote him a check and left. And he's already cashed it. He was just going on and on last night about how he made $12k last month, and he was so relieved to not have to worry about money anymore, and I'm sitting there seething, thinking about how I make less than $2k a month and I was stupid enough to waste all that cash on him over the summer.
Not really looking for advice here, just venting. I will never, EVER loan him money, or accept it from him, EVER AGAIN.
He got a new job during this time, one that would pay nearly 4x what he was making, but there was a gap between the end of the old job and the start of the new job. There were a couple of times that he just outright asked me to borrow money. $50 here, $150 there, all with the promises of repayment. Not to mention, all the "will you pick up some beer on your way over" and "will you pick up some smokes" text messages, several times a week. I finally had to tell him that I couldn't afford to do that anymore, I barely get by on what I make now. The one time I asked him to actually pay me back, he acted so offended, and made me feel bad for even asking.
The new job finally started in September, and after playing catch-up for a couple of months, he is back on his feet, financially. And he hasn't had a drink since January 5th. Both very good things, no doubt.
I went out of town on a work trip about 10 days ago, and before I left he offered me some spending money. I told him I didn't feel comfortable borrowing money from him, but he insisted and said I needn't worry about paying him back. I figured it was a nice gesture for all the times I went broke before payday over the summer. So I accepted it. Because I'm a dumb-dumb.
During the trip, I spoke to him several times, and he repeated himself about not needing to pay it back. I still felt weird about it, but whatever. I stopped worrying about it.
Today, I gave him the gift I got him while I was gone. It was nothing fancy, just something I saw that made me think of him, so I got it. His reaction was less than enthused, like "oh you went to Vegas and that's what you got me?" It hurt my feelings, but I didn't react. Then in the next breath, he said "So, what about the money I loaned you? Are you going to be able to pay that back soon?"
I calmly reminded him that he told me on three different occasions that I didn't have to repay him. Then I just wrote him a check and left. And he's already cashed it. He was just going on and on last night about how he made $12k last month, and he was so relieved to not have to worry about money anymore, and I'm sitting there seething, thinking about how I make less than $2k a month and I was stupid enough to waste all that cash on him over the summer.
Not really looking for advice here, just venting. I will never, EVER loan him money, or accept it from him, EVER AGAIN.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Its great that he hasn't had a drink since January 5th, but he sure doesn't sound like he is working a program.
I would really have to re-evaluate how much he is working on himself or even if he is truly sober. He sound like a selfish A to me!!
Sorry, good luck with him!!
I would really have to re-evaluate how much he is working on himself or even if he is truly sober. He sound like a selfish A to me!!
Sorry, good luck with him!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 5
The status of the relationship... what a very good question. I know what the status needs to be, but as soon as there is any distance between us, little contact, etc, he comes around again and I start romanticizing all the good qualities (there actually are some) and diminishing the bad ones (plenty of those, too.) And around and around we go...
He is in AA, he has a sponsor. He is in individual therapy, once a week. He doesn't LOVE going to AA yet, I know he struggles with certain aspects of it. I am in Al-Anon, and I'm truly enjoying it. I think it kind of annoys him that some times, when we get out of our respective meetings, I'm all smiling and happy and feeling so good about things, while he's still resentful about having to go in the first place.
He has definitely had "dry drunk" periods during the last month. Absolutely. I think this money thing is an example of that.
He is in AA, he has a sponsor. He is in individual therapy, once a week. He doesn't LOVE going to AA yet, I know he struggles with certain aspects of it. I am in Al-Anon, and I'm truly enjoying it. I think it kind of annoys him that some times, when we get out of our respective meetings, I'm all smiling and happy and feeling so good about things, while he's still resentful about having to go in the first place.
He has definitely had "dry drunk" periods during the last month. Absolutely. I think this money thing is an example of that.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Ok, besides the paying for little kitchen gadgets and whatnot while he was getting settled in to his new place where you didn't expect to be reimbursed, please tell us he reimbursed you for covering expenses for him while he was inbetween pay checks??
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Since you offered to pay it back, let it go. Very good idea to keep finances separate, money causes so many problems between couples. It doesn't matter if he likes AA or not, the important thing is he's going. Early sobriety (the first six months) can be very bumpy so it's very good you're going to Alanon. A big hug!
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