6 Months After the Famous Photo
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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My dv counsellor right away told me, to my assertion that I didn't think he exposed her intentionally, that she believed from my story that he knew exactly what he was doing and where that photo was.
When I called the dv hotline that Saturday morning, I expected them to tell me that I was bothering them for nothing. But in fact, the counsellor said that this was likely grooming behavior. They liked the idea that I go to the police for advice. And then the police called yourh services, who said I would be held accountable if I didn't do something like get my children right away...
I know xah likes to play right on the line...Maybe just to keep everyone in a panic...you know he spends much of his free time at the edge of a cliff...
When I got the kids, he later fell apart. The campground manager called the police, the police called an ambulance...he was released after a brief mental health evaluation...
I just want peace. I don't want this trouble. But if I were xah, I would stay away from risky behaviors during these short visits he has with the children! Yet, there's been one weird crazy drama after another
When I called the dv hotline that Saturday morning, I expected them to tell me that I was bothering them for nothing. But in fact, the counsellor said that this was likely grooming behavior. They liked the idea that I go to the police for advice. And then the police called yourh services, who said I would be held accountable if I didn't do something like get my children right away...
I know xah likes to play right on the line...Maybe just to keep everyone in a panic...you know he spends much of his free time at the edge of a cliff...
When I got the kids, he later fell apart. The campground manager called the police, the police called an ambulance...he was released after a brief mental health evaluation...
I just want peace. I don't want this trouble. But if I were xah, I would stay away from risky behaviors during these short visits he has with the children! Yet, there's been one weird crazy drama after another
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Pippi, trust your instincts. You're getting good at hearing what's in your heart rather than what he's been saying for so long. Sometimes it's easy to normalize things, especially with all the chaos he's created. Listen to your heart. Protect your kids to the best of your ability, surround yourself and them with a healthy support system and trust in the moment at hand. Baby steps. Stringing together healthy moments will bring about healing.
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You know him better than we do (and, for that matter, better than the DV counsellor does). Yes, it CAN be grooming behavior. But if none of your children has ever felt that he behaved inappropriately with them, it seems kind of odd that the first time anything ever happened was with a group of people on a camping trip, and that the act was to display a photo of male genitals. Usually one would lead up to something like that with more insidious behavior and the "display" would be in private with his asking how she felt about it or something.
It doesn't strike me, personally, as what we usually see in child abuse cases.
It doesn't strike me, personally, as what we usually see in child abuse cases.
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Okay, my sense is that xah needs drama, tension, attention. He gets bored easily and feels comfort when literally on edge. He creates the peaceful times, the rocky stressful ones, and the wild swings. He goes too far, but not so far yet that he's had more than one night in jail. A few scary brushes with criminal court, international police...and he gets himself out of it, with lots of folks ending by feeling sorry for him.
What to do about this? The best days were when I went complete No Contact!!! Can't do that. The best now is to get this court-ordered therapist to hopefully see the big picture and help me and the children find the tools to deal with him. But no one professional has stuck through the story long enough to get the big picture.
The photo is no big deal. It's the dead cat, the rain in the house, the 8am carpool drinking, the pitting family members against each other, the flashlight birthday present, the scaring children on spidery cliff...A pattern of disturbing, strange, confusing, behaviors towards the people that depend on him!
What to do about this? The best days were when I went complete No Contact!!! Can't do that. The best now is to get this court-ordered therapist to hopefully see the big picture and help me and the children find the tools to deal with him. But no one professional has stuck through the story long enough to get the big picture.
The photo is no big deal. It's the dead cat, the rain in the house, the 8am carpool drinking, the pitting family members against each other, the flashlight birthday present, the scaring children on spidery cliff...A pattern of disturbing, strange, confusing, behaviors towards the people that depend on him!
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Would your daughter tell you if there had been something else going on beside the photo?
Between the not wanting to discuss it with a therapist and the sudden weight gain... I'm putting my own experience in here, but those are red flags to me.
Between the not wanting to discuss it with a therapist and the sudden weight gain... I'm putting my own experience in here, but those are red flags to me.
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She started hiding and eating jars of hazelnut spread after that. It freaked me out. That was a volatile period. Her moods were intense. She was furious with me. She said I never did anything to help. Everything that I did only made it worse...
It feels like red flags from what I have read, Lillamy. And he isn't who I ever thought he was. And I asked her and she said 'no', he hasn't. I don't believe so. But wouldn't I like to know that I didn't have to ask such questions or always feel like my children are at risk with their Dad?
It feels like red flags from what I have read, Lillamy. And he isn't who I ever thought he was. And I asked her and she said 'no', he hasn't. I don't believe so. But wouldn't I like to know that I didn't have to ask such questions or always feel like my children are at risk with their Dad?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Well, with all the drama in the family, it wouldn't take sexual abuse for her to act out and gain weight. I'm all for considering all unpleasant possibilities, and he certainly does sound like a sicko, I'm just concerned that all this focus on the photo (no pun intended) will wind up not amounting to much. If she or the other kids talked about the PATTERN of freaky, scary behavior, that would probably count for more.
I'm sorry you are all still going through all this stress.
I'm sorry you are all still going through all this stress.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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OMG Pippi it never ends does it.
Basically you acted as you saw fit. You had your childrens best interests at heart.
The fact that the court is ordering you to pay is just another example of how the justice system doesn't work.
Your kids are growing up & they will begin to make their own choices & judgement.
I'm sorry you have had to go through all this BSHT.
When my kids Dad left to live abroad he gave them his phone.
Unfortunately he failed to wipe out the photos of his GFs privates & text msgs about him reading porno magazines.
Luckily I found them before the kids did & deleted them.
WTF. They just don't think do they.
Sending Hugs
Basically you acted as you saw fit. You had your childrens best interests at heart.
The fact that the court is ordering you to pay is just another example of how the justice system doesn't work.
Your kids are growing up & they will begin to make their own choices & judgement.
I'm sorry you have had to go through all this BSHT.
When my kids Dad left to live abroad he gave them his phone.
Unfortunately he failed to wipe out the photos of his GFs privates & text msgs about him reading porno magazines.
Luckily I found them before the kids did & deleted them.
WTF. They just don't think do they.
Sending Hugs
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Rosie, they should just call it the 'unjust system'. It's s**t.
DD14 was retraumatized going to see the therapist today. She was really angry with me, because to her it seems like my idea, getting her to see him. Court orders are an abstraction to a child...we did get through it. I semi got through to her after talking lots, but it is so hard for her.
DD14 was retraumatized going to see the therapist today. She was really angry with me, because to her it seems like my idea, getting her to see him. Court orders are an abstraction to a child...we did get through it. I semi got through to her after talking lots, but it is so hard for her.
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It feels like red flags from what I have read, Lillamy. And he isn't who I ever thought he was. And I asked her and she said 'no', he hasn't. I don't believe so. But wouldn't I like to know that I didn't have to ask such questions or always feel like my children are at risk with their Dad?
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