It occurred to me...
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It occurred to me...
Hello-
I havent been on here for a while, but check back occasionally. I read a post from STUNG who is thinking of an ultimatum. STUNG said she asked her husband why he still continues to go to AA meetings and is still drinking. He told her because he doesnt want to drink anymore. My A does and says much the same. My controlling mind chewed this 32 times and finally It occurred to me that when the kiddos were young and in school I would ask them how was your day and what did you learn? They always replied that they had learned nothing...but now all in their late and mid 20"s they can all read, write, do math...so I guss upon that realization I can now accept his answer...because it helps him...sometimes quickly sometimes slowly...if we work for it.
And then it occurred to me that it really is none of my business...
I havent been on here for a while, but check back occasionally. I read a post from STUNG who is thinking of an ultimatum. STUNG said she asked her husband why he still continues to go to AA meetings and is still drinking. He told her because he doesnt want to drink anymore. My A does and says much the same. My controlling mind chewed this 32 times and finally It occurred to me that when the kiddos were young and in school I would ask them how was your day and what did you learn? They always replied that they had learned nothing...but now all in their late and mid 20"s they can all read, write, do math...so I guss upon that realization I can now accept his answer...because it helps him...sometimes quickly sometimes slowly...if we work for it.
And then it occurred to me that it really is none of my business...
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
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Originally Posted by involved 
Hello-
I havent been on here for a while, but check back occasionally. I read a post from STUNG who is thinking of an ultimatum. STUNG said she asked her husband why he still continues to go to AA meetings and is still drinking. He told her because he doesnt want to drink anymore. My A does and says much the same. My controlling mind chewed this 32 times and finally It occurred to me that when the kiddos were young and in school I would ask them how was your day and what did you learn? They always replied that they had learned nothing...but now all in their late and mid 20"s they can all read, write, do math...so I guss upon that realization I can now accept his answer...because it helps him...sometimes quickly sometimes slowly...if we work for it.
And then it occurred to me that it really is none of my business...
I havent been on here for a while, but check back occasionally. I read a post from STUNG who is thinking of an ultimatum. STUNG said she asked her husband why he still continues to go to AA meetings and is still drinking. He told her because he doesnt want to drink anymore. My A does and says much the same. My controlling mind chewed this 32 times and finally It occurred to me that when the kiddos were young and in school I would ask them how was your day and what did you learn? They always replied that they had learned nothing...but now all in their late and mid 20"s they can all read, write, do math...so I guss upon that realization I can now accept his answer...because it helps him...sometimes quickly sometimes slowly...if we work for it.
And then it occurred to me that it really is none of my business...
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: nh
Posts: 339
Hawkeye...my comment is about me and my issues. Simply reading Stungs post got me to thinking...nothing to do with Stung. JustBreathe1980...I guess what I realised in the end is its his recovery, his journey. My business is do I accept him 100% for who he is or do I fight to change (control) him. What he does is his choice...what I do and how I want to live are my choice. Fighting with my A about his choices help neither one of us and only muddy the water...and there is no clear thinking only emotional thinking...i am in charge of my serenity....
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Hi Involved,
My husband told me today that as part of his once again newly revised sobriety plan that he'll only be attending 1 meeting a week and only going with sober buddies from now on rather than attending alone. He resents going to AA meetings everyday and was only going because everyone kept telling him to go to meetings and that he had to keep doing 90 in 90 every time he relapsed/drank again.
I personally keep trying to make logical sense out of a disease that isn't logical. I don't think addicts learn in the same way that children learn simply because addicts aren't developing and growing creatures in nurturing environments. My husband went to rehab in August and relapsed less than 2 months post rehab and that's probably the closest he was going to come to being in a safe and nurturing environment. I think he was going to AA because all he has to do is show up. Easy enough and then occasionally he would go drink after the meeting. Makes no sense. Addiction doesn't make sense.
What it comes down to is my husband doesn't want to do the WORK to become sober. He keeps white knuckling.
My husband told me today that as part of his once again newly revised sobriety plan that he'll only be attending 1 meeting a week and only going with sober buddies from now on rather than attending alone. He resents going to AA meetings everyday and was only going because everyone kept telling him to go to meetings and that he had to keep doing 90 in 90 every time he relapsed/drank again.
I personally keep trying to make logical sense out of a disease that isn't logical. I don't think addicts learn in the same way that children learn simply because addicts aren't developing and growing creatures in nurturing environments. My husband went to rehab in August and relapsed less than 2 months post rehab and that's probably the closest he was going to come to being in a safe and nurturing environment. I think he was going to AA because all he has to do is show up. Easy enough and then occasionally he would go drink after the meeting. Makes no sense. Addiction doesn't make sense.
What it comes down to is my husband doesn't want to do the WORK to become sober. He keeps white knuckling.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Posts: 339
Thank you for shareing Stung. As they say in the program, "dont compare, identify" and "take what you want and leave the rest". I have found that for me, repeatung the Serenity Prayer, reading and rereading the chapters about detatchment and dont be blown about by every wind from Melody Beaties Codependent No More have been a great help at this point...also fresh air and exercise help me to think slower and more clearly and Help me be less reactive. But I want to say again that I was and am not addressing your post "lightening round" or your husbands disease, or your situation...only that one quote of why do you bother if you are still drinking? Because I have asked the same question. I find that asking an A that or any question gets me a different answer every time depending on the mood of the A. Which sets me into a tail spin because I like things consistant and black and white (so I dont have to fix or control) a guy in my AlAnon meeting always says "if I could just keep my mouth shut" So it is best left alone...detatch. All my mental gymnastics do absolutely nothing for him or me...except create more chaos...if I stay quiet I take his power to make me crazy away...I hope you find some peace today.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
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I personally keep trying to make logical sense out of a disease that isn't logical. I don't think addicts learn in the same way that children learn simply because addicts aren't developing and growing creatures in nurturing environments. My husband went to rehab in August and relapsed less than 2 months post rehab and that's probably the closest he was going to come to being in a safe and nurturing environment. I think he was going to AA because all he has to do is show up. Easy enough and then occasionally he would go drink after the meeting. Makes no sense. Addiction doesn't make sense.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
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I have read posts from the other side of SR and have found that many people who are still drinking and attending meetings are encouraged to keep going back anyway. There was this sort of, going is better than not going attitude and also the eventually, it will stick idea. And I tend to agree with that.
I imagine that if the drinker at least has it in his/her mind that they want to quit drinking, then eventually, something at the meeting will click for him/her. But if the drinker is just going to appease someone else, then no amount of listening will do any good; it may even add to their drinking because the brain is still drenched in alcohol; what he/she finds at these meetings may just be twisted by the drinker's mind and will somehow aide in the drinker's disillusioned beliefs about their drinking. Like all of the brain wiring and thought processes flow to the good of making sure they can still drink. I may say that the sky is blue, but if that interferes with the drinking, the alcoholic might hear something completely different.
I imagine that if the drinker at least has it in his/her mind that they want to quit drinking, then eventually, something at the meeting will click for him/her. But if the drinker is just going to appease someone else, then no amount of listening will do any good; it may even add to their drinking because the brain is still drenched in alcohol; what he/she finds at these meetings may just be twisted by the drinker's mind and will somehow aide in the drinker's disillusioned beliefs about their drinking. Like all of the brain wiring and thought processes flow to the good of making sure they can still drink. I may say that the sky is blue, but if that interferes with the drinking, the alcoholic might hear something completely different.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Well I guess we all know that the A will do what ever it is that they want to do and bs you about it later...so them throwing a line at you that they are only going because someone (other than the law) is making them, is in my opinion BS...we also know how they like to keep you off balance...so actions not words
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