ubntubnt

She is not trying to sabotage my sobriety but she is certainly underestimating how difficult it is to stay sober and also underestimating the extent of my problem. In the past I used to finish work at antisocial hours and would arrive home at varying hours so would frequently miss dinner. My wife would have a few beers in the fridge to be nice, and I appreciated that. I think its just this habit. She doesn't think I am an alcoholic or she is in denial of the fact but I have said that I view my sobriety as the most important thing in my life. A few weeks ago she said jokingly that "its a pain in the ass that you remember all the details about every conversation we have now". I laughed it off at the time, but maybe that is a pain for her.
I think she just genuinely doesn't know much about how alcoholism and the recovery process and I think I need to work with her so that she can better understand what I am starting to work through. I suggested she attend an open meeting but she doesn't want to, I suggested counselling and she said no. I wasn't trying to shirk my responsibility for my sobriety but I think its a reasonable request to ask my wife not to buy alcohol for me if she knows that I am doing everything I can to quit it.
I think I need to take the lead here. Don't drink. Continue to talk to her about alcoholism and what I am doing. And don't engage in emotive arguing. I have bought a copy of the AA Big Book and will leave that lying around and see if she picks it up.

FeelingGreat

It's a very reasonable request to ask her not to buy you alcohol if you have self-identified as an alcoholic and asked her not to! Especially as you've been throwing them out.

As a sober A, I know to have someone stock my fridge with white wine would have been fatal, and I would have taken it as a hostile act and been seriously pee'd off. It's hard enough to stop as it is. Of course you can't shirk your responsibility but she seems to want you to fail.

She wouldn't have to have been educated about alcoholism to respect your wishes, right? I don't want this to sound snide or against you, but are you afraid to make it very clear she is not to buy you alcohol? Because she might have a tantrum if you become more assertive?

You haven't said whether you're scared of her tantrums. Most people are scared of bullies although we don't like admitting it. That's how bullies control people.

ubntubnt

Hi FG, no I am not afraid of her tantrums, I just want to clean up and move on. She is Chinese and we have always had some cultural challenges to work through in our relationship. That's not in any way excusing her behavior but there are different attitudes towards raising kids, towards parents in law and other things. It just makes things a little more complex. The Chinese also don't really have a support structure similar to AA that I can see. In some respects attitudes to marriage are also quite different. Not a complaint and I am not sure what I am even asking now. I am 100% sure that she loves me though so I guess I need to man up here, stay sober and let my new habits become ingrained in the way we live.

torquemax777

The fact that she said "I hate how you can remember everything now." Means she must know that you had a problem with drinking and she's probably one of those rare types that probably enjoyed you drinking because she could take advantage of you and manipulate you to do, say, or give her whatever she wants. Especially, since you said you weren't a loud obnoxious, mean drunk.

My dad was an alcoholic (so is my now second husband) and I used to wait for my mom to go to work and my dad to get wasted so I could "ask" him for a variety of things; mostly if I could go somewhere that my mom might not have let me go. I wonder if that's whats taking place in your marriage.

Food for thought I guess, but if its true, its sad because then it's just a "marriage of convenience" so she can get what she wants and needs from you and leave the rest.

hopeful4

Wow. Just Wow. She has some major issues and I encourage you to document this activity in a lot of detail should you need it for the future, including dates and times.

I would encourage counseling to see if possibly a third party can help sort out her issues, but don't be surprised at all if she refuses.

I am so sorry, and I commend you on your own sobriety and sticking to it in a very difficult environment.

Good luck going forward, we are always here for you at SR!

maia1234

U- You need to take responsibility for you and she can take responsibility for herself. Don't excuse her her behavior, the same way you don't excuse that you drank. We have to own our actions.

You will have to educate her on addiction and she really needs to read from alanon books not really the big book. I understand that you are hoping she picks up the book, but that is your book not hers. She needs one day at a time or courage to change.

It is a marriage and you played games and obviously she is too. I would be very adamant that purchasing alcohol is not acceptable. It is like buying candy for an over weight person who is on a diet, It really is sabotaging their diet. No means no!!!

If you are planning on succeeding at your sobriety you have to have her support if your marriage will survive. She has to understand what struggles that you are going to experience. She needs to understand your good days and bad. Ask her to look over friends and family on SR. IMO she should be your biggest supporter and by educating herself she can be that person. I know that it is your battle, but I feel that she should be in your court not playing against you.

Just my 2 cents!!!

Verte

Hi tub,

You need to be a bit more gentle with yourself. It is not a matter of 'man[ning] up' but one of commitment. Early in my journey I wrote posts about opening my clear eyes and seeing the wasteland all around me that was my life. I was angry that the people I had chosen to surround myself with had made it OK to be a subpar/passable/hurting version of myself. But what hurt most was the truth - that I had abdicated my own self. This was not OK!

Being my best self is my responsibility. No more smoke and mirrors. So when my husband suggested that I have a beer a few weeks into sobriety, my response was "If you value my life you will never suggest or ask me that question again."

Genuine recovery is major. Relationships change. The light of day changes. But it does not happen all at once. Tiny steps make up the journey. Hang in there, because it is beautiful. Cultivate genuine self-respect. What does treating yourself with love, kindness and respect look and feel like? Then you can teach your wife and others around you through your actions, words and expectations. And you can teach your son.

You are a smart guy. I know there are some significant cultural differences. This is about your life. How important is that bottle of wine really? Do not give up. Hang in there. Be very clear with the people in your life. No one reads minds and assumptions are just a waste of time.

*This is meant to be supportive, tub. Sobriety is so important to loving and living the way you are meant to. And you are not seeking guidance in your usual forum! Not meaning to ruffle feathers everyone. I respect your experience.

ubntubnt

Thanks everyone for the responses.

Torquemax - there is not a risk of a marriage of convenience for sure. That said, I think having a drunk alcoholic around the home does mean that a partner has to pick up more pieces that would otherwise be the case so this is a habit that she has probably formed out of necessity and now I am changing that abruptly

Hopeful4 - coincidentally, her team mates at work having been making comments that she is too aggressive and ruthless at work so I took the chance to work with her to have a chat with her about her chilling out a little, sue her soft power more and take some time to do things that she likes with or without her friends to try to unwind a little

Maia - thanks for your suggestion about an Alanon book. Actually, I didn't now there was such a thing. She is working hard at the moment and feeling guilty that she is not spending enough time with her son so getting her to attend Alanon meetings is tough right now. Maybe having a suitable book or website to access would help

Verte - you are right. I think one of my strongest feelings in the past 3 months has been a combination of self loathing, disbelief and annoyance that I allowed my drinking to become a problem at all. I know it sounds ridiculous but I really didn't realise until it was too late.

Anyway, maybe this was a bit of a disconnected vent but it helped me order my thoughts and try to see things from my wife's perspective. I will try to take a less results focussed approach to all of this and try to be a little kinder and more gentle in working this through.

freetosmile

I can honestly say that at first *I* was one of those wives to "underestimate" my husbands addiction. A few years ago, I would say, "oh one won't kill you".

I had never really seen the horrors of true alcoholism. He was a recovering alcoholic when I met him.
And he really kept it under a relative control until a year and a half ago. Then is really sunk in.

But I really agree with everyone on this- she sounds just downright "mean" in my opinion. That's pretty brutal of me to say, I understand that...but I have a good feel for what "mean" feels that, and it feels kind of like that.

Hang in there and remember, you can find serenity and sobriety WITHOUT her. This is YOUR journey and if she jumps on board- GREAT! If not...well....then she doesn't and you can cross that bridge when YOUR ready.

I say good on ya!! Keep up the sobriety. You can do this!

ubntubnt

thanks FTS....I will protect my sobriety at all costs!