Liveitwell

SO quit drinking for a few weeks then gave an ultimatum that I had to decide to let him back into the house. I told him "no-I love you, want our marriage to work and want my husband back and my girls to have their father but it's not safe for you to come back yet". He got mad and it's been hell ever since. Hes drinking again bc I didn't accept the "changes" he made. Is this addiction in its pure form? I love this man but no longer accept his choice to continue his abisive behavior. Thanks.

Thumper

Yes it is typical. His addiction is steering the ship right now. Hold your ground. When I was in the same position I did not and it was a disaster.

Mountainmanbob

for your own best wishes
stick to your guns
no one should have to put up with that
holding tight in your position
may cause him to change his ??

MM

LexieCat

An alcoholic who wants to keep drinking will use ANY excuse. If you'd taken him back, he still would be drinking, only it would be due to something else you had done (according to him).

I admire your fortitude. Let him have his tantrum.

Incidentally, though, since the tantrum isn't working, don't be surprised when the next tactic is tearful apologies, admission of fault, and promises to change. Don't buy it. Since he's already OUT (that's the hardest part), don't allow him to return and disturb your family until/unless he has a good, long stretch of sobriety and you're SEEING real change (not just hearing him tell you about it).

shinebright7

Yeah, just because they aren't drinking, doesn't mean they're recovered. The sick thinking is still in full effect...and in my experience, it's only a matter of time until the shoe drops again.

What LexiCat mentioned about SEEING real change and not just hearing him blab about how he's different, going to try better, etc. is something I'm really trying to get.

Even though I saw over and over again that my AH would not change in the ways he said he would..and "i can drink one and done" and "I'm going to be better." "I won't do it anymore"...all of these things were just empty words. Never backed up with action.

He continued (and continues except for two instances of giving me money recently) to be completely self-centered, not saying thank you for anything, talking over me when we're trying to have a conversation, etc.

He just started his program on Monday, so it's not like I'm expecting a miracle in that amount of time...but I'm just saying this all to reiterate to myself that it's a transformation in thinking that I really will be watching for.

Mostly I am deadened to what comes out of his mouth at this point. I don't take it personally when he says he loves me and I don't take it personally when he whines about how tired he his from getting up for his program so early.

Until he shows real signs of recovery and transformation, I'm just interacting with him with loving detachment as best I can.

NYCDoglvr

Alcoholics blame their drinking on other people, they don't take responsibility for it. Let him back in he'll find another excuse. Emotional immaturity to an extreme level.

AnvilheadII

what he is saying is that he is drinking again and it is YOUR fault. as if you duct taped him to a chair and used a funnel to pour alcohol down his throat.

nothing changes if nothing changes. stand your ground, refuse to accept one more moment of abuse, to deal with another's drinking problems. that has no place in a home with loved ones and children.

Liveitwell

Thank you.

zoso77

No, he's drinking again because he has chosen to drink again.

Well, that sounds like a hard and firm boundary. My hope is you treat it as such. Best of luck.

Liveitwell

^ yes-it is a hard and firm boundary-there will be no more. He has a choice to continue his abuse and I also have the choice to leave him be in the mess he himself has made. Not out of hate but love do I let him face the consequences of his choices, while always having faith Gods timing is perfect and placing him in Gods care.

Liveitwell

I have read and re read your responses and as much as I don't want them to be true, I know they are. Holding firm. Thank you very much for your wisdom.