chronsweet

I just need to vent and get this down as a 'thought'

I know people talk about this to some degree. After being with an A for 7 years, I just feel so awkward and confused in dealing and communicating with other men. I feel like I somehow destroy things too soon by being so damn needy. It's like I can hold someone off at a distance for quite some time. When I let them in, I expect them to feel emotionally attached and committed at a rapid pace. I am so calm, cool and collected until I make some kind of emotional connection. I think this freaks people out. It even freaks me out after I've done it.

I can honestly say, that I was not like this always. Not to this degree of confusion. I feel like I try to over-analyze everything to the point of trying to control the outcome.

While I write this, I realize I probably have a lot more self work to do before I should even be considering another relationship 6 months after living in a state of misery for 7.5 years. Anyone ever experienced anything like this? Either way any coping mechanisms to just relax and let things happen without needing to feel validation from someone else too soon.

Thanks for reading/listening.

ladyscribbler

I was a big time relationship addict long before I met my ex. That was my M.O. Use a new relationship to fill the "hole" left by the old one. Of course it never worked and I (and usually the guy also) ended up miserable.
After leaving my ex of 5 years I have taken a hiatus from dating and relationships. Most of my social life revolves around Alanon and my kids, which is fine with me. I needed to work on myself and make a conscious effort to break my pattern. It's been almost a year and a half and I still don't feel quite ready to "get back out there" or whatever.
Take it easy on yourself and proceed with extreme caution into relationship territory. Six months is a very short time after such a long, turbulent and emotionally fraught relationship.

chronsweet

I think that is sound advice ladyscrib.

I feel desperate to be loved. I know in my head that I need to NOT feel like this, but I can't help it. It's like so easy to get dates and go out on a couple. But, guys just seem to run away after a few. I know I must come off as completely needy. I feel needy.

I actually know that I'm not ready for dating. I suppose I get a little unsettled because I am approaching 40 and it feels like life is ENDING, or like it will be so much harder to find someone. I just need to look at it differently.

spiderqueen

Hi Chronsweet,

I was emotionally shell-shocked when my 16 yr marriage ended (he was not an A), followed by a 3 yr relationship with XABF.

After hibernating for a while, and simply focusing on basics of self care and taking care of my daughters, I made a concerted effort to build myself back up to the person I remembered being before all the s*** hit the fan. I reached out to old girlfriends, got back to my favorite hobbies, signed up for classes for fun, and said yes to all social invites (not dates) just to be around healthy people and remind myself what I liked about people, and me, in the first place.

It worked. It really, really worked. I got back to feeling strong, happy and confident by myself. Later, when I did meet someone, I wasn't plagued by that insecurity and self doubt and desperation that you write about. I could get to know him, and feel my feelings, without all that static in the way.

I hope this helps.

NYCDoglvr

I had a tough Alanon sponsor who show me that if I don't change, I'll invariably pick another person with major problems. So yes, I suggest letting go of relationships for a while and jump into your own recovery. Alanon and therapy make a huge difference.