Gracey

I would like to have a heart to heart with my husband about some of the things that I have been feeling.......but I am scared that it is going to turn into something ugly.......

he can bit**h and complain all he wants to and most of the time I just listen....but when i feel like i need someone to talk to he either gets annoyed with me.......I am bugging him........or oh not that.......and then becomes a *****......his famous line when he is annoyed.....he will pretend he doesnt hear me and they very annoyingly will say to me........."DO YOU NEED SOMETHING".......EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT" he will say it just to be mean....

Do I have to learn that I cant talk to him........I am starting to think I cant do a damn thing with him......

journeygal

It's hard for me to talk to Jack about my feelings, even when he asks. He takes it personally and feels that I'm attacking him. He doesn't understand where I'm coming from and I can't understand why he takes it so personally.

But if you do want to talk to him, try to keep the conversation full of the "I" statement and try not to blame him for anything. Communication is so hard, b/c people generally hear what they want to hear.

You could also try writing a letter and tearing it up when you're done.

Hugs,
JG

splendra

(((((breec3)))))

I know what you mean. It is very frustrating to try and talk to someone who does not care to hear what you are trying to say.

How are you going to take care of you in this? What boundries do you need to set? How are you allowing his behavior to ruin your life? The solution is probably in learning how to change yourself....

Are you going to any meetings? I think you need to go to meetings and learn how to deal with the troubles you are facing. It is hard but, it is well worth what you will learn. If you are going are you listening? Take care...

Magichappens

Splendra makes a good suggestion. Working the steps, going to meetings, reading the literature and reaching out and creating new relationships are what helped me realize that Mr Magic couldn't meet all my needs. He just isn't capable, and it's not fair of me to keep demanding that he do it. I have to find people who are capable, like my sponsor, and some of the wonderful friends I have made in Al-Anon. I don't miss too many meetings. It is my lifeline. If what you are doing isn't working, are you willing to try something different? Hugs, Magic

Gracey

Don’t you ever feel like you just need a friend…..someone to have fun with….someone to talk to and share things with……someone who isn’t automatically going to get on the defensive…..I am missing laughter….and fun times…..I am missing so many things……I am caught up in a world all of my own……..do you think someone would like me……for me…….I know that I have a lot of good qualities about me…..how come someone cant see the good things about me…..how do I fix me…….I don’t have a good relationship with anyone……not my family…..I have no friends…….I want these things…….why do I need these things to make me feel whole……am I asking to much……do these things really exist……

I don’t think that I have ever found a real friend…..is my outlook on friendship also so screwed up……..how do I learn to be a real friend to someone….I always seem to give everything I have got till I cant give anymore….and always get burned in the end……or built a friendship on complaining about my life and I think they actually feel sorry for me…….(I don’t want that) how do I learn to be a real friend……(am I a freak)

splendra

breec-

The thing about meetings is they will help you learn to reach out and people will hear you and help you and you will make friends there it is not just a b!thch session. You will learn how to find self respect and self esteem so that you H won't be able to tear you down with his words and his behaviors and you will learn how to communicate. Look up Alanon in the white business pages of your phone directory and, you will find the answers to your questions when you start going to meetings.....

Gracey

I haven’t gone to a face to face meetings…….I only come here……..I am trying to work the steps…….I cant even do that right……I am going to church twice a week……and coming here….and I am going to see a MC……..it has been three and a half months….and I still feel empty inside……I am going to God……and I am listening to our minister…..and he has very good sermons that I am getting a lot out of at time……and then I get like this…….I am a people person…..and I feel like I need to have people in my life to be happy and whole…..I am stumped on accepting and liking me for me……..does that show…….can other people pick that up……do I have a sign on me, (use me, abuse me) or what…..

splendra

breec-
do you know how to go to chat room?

prodigal

Don't expect someone who is self-loathing to see much good in anyone else. In fact, people whose self-esteem is in the toilet and who can't handle their feelings in a healthy manner oftentimes project their own inner anger onto the person closest to them. Believe me, I've lived with this.

If your husband can't see the good in you, don't waste your time trying to convince him that he's seeing things through his own messed-up filter. See the good in yourself, surround yourself with family and friends who appreciate you, and draw a line in the sand that you don't allow him to cross. You have a right to be treated with respect and courtesy. If he's unable to talk to you in a calm, rational manner simply tell him that you refuse to listen to such talk, then leave the room. If he continues to harrass you, leave the house.

I have an AH who talks to me as if I were the scum of the earth when he gets in one of his moods to do so. I no longer buy into the b.s. he's feeding me and I just ignore him. It took me a long time to realize that he has this fixed script in his head and nothing I say or do will convince him that I'm not what he thinks I am. You have to work at loving yourself when you're in a situation where your spouse shows you lack of respect.

Magichappens

Maybe it's time to try some f2f meetings. Working the steps by yourself is like trying to learn to build a house without any help. Not impossible, but there is a much easier way. Why do you want to do this the hard way? I know you are frustrated. But the answer may be in trying some things you haven't tried yet. It's up to you, but it just seems like you are having a much harder time doing the things you are doing. One of the slogans in Al-Anon is, "If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you always got." It's not easy to try new things, but there came a point for me where I would have stood on my head in the middle of the street nekked if I thought it would help me. That is when I started going to meetings and trying the things that were suggested. It has been the best thing that ever happened to me. Hugs, Magic

Gracey

I have tried the chatroom......I couldnt get it to work right, but I dont have enought time to figure it out at work.......but I dont think it is a good thing at work......lol I am on my way home now...and I am going to go to Wednesday Bible study tonight....I will look for meetings........I have to force myself to make time, dont I.........and also deal with slack from my kids and my AH........ergggggggggg

dax

Do you have any special interests. I love animals. My best friends are animal lovers also. I belong to an all woman's horse group. We support each other and cry together over family troubles. My sister loves gardening and goes to a garden club. If you like going to church, the church probably has outside activities. You could certainly find a lot to talk to in alanon meetings. often they go out to lunch afterwards.
As to your husband. Is there any time he is in a good mood. start talking about things that interest him and then ease into what you would like to discuss. Of course some men never relate-just jerks. dax

redrose0729

Sometimes when I don't think my A is in the mood to listen I write him a letter as a matter of fact I did just that today. I tell him what makes me angry, then I go to what hurts, then my fears, then my wishes and wants, and then end with the love and appretion. It helps me to get it off my chest and in a letter well they have to read and it is harder to argue with a piece of paper. In the end I feel better for getting all those feelings off my chest and he knows exactly everything I am feeling. I am waiting for him to get up from his nap to give him his letter . Maybe trying this could help you just and idea you might want to think of trying. Lots of hug for you hang in there

Lorelai

breec -
I'm with you on this one. Any conversation I have ever had with my H has ended with me thinking "Why did I do this again?" There is no desire on his part to resolve anything, to try to understand my feelings. When he decides to speak, it is only to defend himself and try to make me think I'm crazy.

I decided that I would stop talking to him about it. It was obviously useless. I am working on myself. Now, when I talk to him, I am telling him something I know for sure - not begging him to fix something that is wrong. He still doesn't talk much but he listens a lot better.
Hugs - L

Karivan

Breec... I feel for you. I am in the same boat. I told my parents tonight that all he has to do is say, "I need help and our marriage needs help. I'll go to AA and we'll go to marriage counseling." That's all... but I know he won't. I tried for years to get him to AA... he doesn't have a problem. I set up 3 marriage counseling sessions... he never showed up. I try to get him out of his cave to show him something interesting but he goes right back down and pretty much ignores me the rest of the time. I'm tired of trying.

I have decided that if he wants to fix this marriage and himself, he has to make the effort. If I make the effort, he won't do it. He actually will do the opposite of what I want. So... I'm not going to have a heart to heart with him. No matter how much I want to; everytime I've tried before, it has never worked. I'm going my own way, doing my own thing and if he decides there is something seriously wrong, he can bring it up. I won't.

So Breec... everyone's situation is different. Let us know what happens if you try it, ok? I'm interested to hear if he would listen or not.

Gracey

Quote: when I talk to him, I am telling him something I know for sure - not begging him to fix something that is wrong.

thank you............this is what I need to practice....that is exactly what I am doing....I am begging for this man to pay attention to anything but himself......Begging him to fix us, fix him, fix me.......I just know I want something fixed.............lol


we went to church lastnight......we had a guest speaker.......he talked about ideas on how to get people to come to know the Lord......(bulk mailing ect. ect.) the kids didnt even have bible class themselves.......I really needed to hear something different lastnight.....My h did ask me what was bothering me today........I didnt want to get into it........(he was asking but didnt really care or want to know).....so I simply said nothing honey how was your day........I am going to a ftof meeting........

Do you know the good thing that came out of church lastnight......I noticed a calendar announcing the up coming events.......I found out there is a all women bible study on the 23rd and on the 21st there is an event for children who completed kindergarden and younger and I am going to participate in both of those.......and I am going to find a meeting right now............(lunch time)