Im sitting here in the parking lot
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, free,
I went to bed early last night, myself, will be keeping an eye out for your check-in today. Stay careful, stay safe. Remember the option of the protective order. If you have to apply for one, be sure to give them ALL the history of the abuse. It will be necessary in order to put the abusive texts he sent you into context. Don't erase any texts or VMs, no matter how nasty or sick they are. That's EVIDENCE.
Hugs!!
I went to bed early last night, myself, will be keeping an eye out for your check-in today. Stay careful, stay safe. Remember the option of the protective order. If you have to apply for one, be sure to give them ALL the history of the abuse. It will be necessary in order to put the abusive texts he sent you into context. Don't erase any texts or VMs, no matter how nasty or sick they are. That's EVIDENCE.
Hugs!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Good morning.
yes, he is pissed still. But he came up to me last night and said " it's just a lot to take in." I told him my proposal was made out of love, so that we could ALL be safe. I told him again that I wouldn't compromise.
yeah, he is totally ticked!
his first real paycheck isn't for another three weeks. He only get a partial check today.
he is pissed, but he is also trying to be kind of love dovey. Its weird.
but I think Amy is so right...i haven't seen the worst of it yet...ugh
yes, he is pissed still. But he came up to me last night and said " it's just a lot to take in." I told him my proposal was made out of love, so that we could ALL be safe. I told him again that I wouldn't compromise.
yeah, he is totally ticked!
his first real paycheck isn't for another three weeks. He only get a partial check today.
he is pissed, but he is also trying to be kind of love dovey. Its weird.
but I think Amy is so right...i haven't seen the worst of it yet...ugh
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Kiddo you can do this ...it is so hard.. and sometimes its the hard things of life that help us to have a better life.. you stick tight to this group of silly's and the prayers and love will hold you tight on this path... go gett'em and pass that test. you can do this I know it for we all have pride in your path that you are taking. a Mom...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Perhaps he will take the proposal. I normally look forward to the weekends, but NOT this time. I'll be BACK in my bedroom for all of it.
i did sleep ok, but yeah my neck is on fire. I need to get into the chiropractor BAD.
I am nervous that I haven't seen the end of this. Three weeks!!!!? Are you kidding! He can do A LOT of damage in three weeks. I don't know what to do about that.
i did sleep ok, but yeah my neck is on fire. I need to get into the chiropractor BAD.
I am nervous that I haven't seen the end of this. Three weeks!!!!? Are you kidding! He can do A LOT of damage in three weeks. I don't know what to do about that.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Dandy, talk with kids went well. My bio (second oldest daughter) did cry. But she was ok. They all knew dad drank and were ready to move to action if needed. They do want him to leave to a hotel. They were anxious about it I could tell. Luckily my second oldest daughter has a sleep over tonight. I am going to tell the kids the result of last night today. AH has NO idea I am talking to the kids
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Hang in there. Stay in touch with your DV peeps--keep them updated on what's going on.
Payday--he'll have money for alcohol. Not good.
Payday--he'll have money for alcohol. Not good.
I mean this is ridiculous. I'm not going to be able to wait three weeks for an ABUSER to vacate. That just isn't going to work....I don't know what to do now. Wait for him to get crazy so that I can get the law after him? that doesn't sound like an air tight solution...
UGH
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile...I agree with you on this. This looks tricky to me---largely, because, legally, this is his home also--and, the law honors his rights on that. I know that there are legal loopholes in this, also, depending on the situation. (I certainly am no lawyer!).
If I were you..I would get on the phone to the dv people and their lawyers..today...while he is away at work...and, find out what you need to know about the letter of the law on this in your jurisdiction. Knowledge is power...and that is especially true for someone in your particular situation.
dandylion
If I were you..I would get on the phone to the dv people and their lawyers..today...while he is away at work...and, find out what you need to know about the letter of the law on this in your jurisdiction. Knowledge is power...and that is especially true for someone in your particular situation.
dandylion
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by Fandy
So he plans to take his "first full paycheck" and move where? Who is supporting HIS children? Does he plan to uproot them, move them somewhere unstable while he continues to drink?
Your plan was sensible. he still gets to spend time with the family and the kids are not further traumatized. He can keep his comments about your blouses to himself, it is HIS insecurity, not yours. Don't let him deflect from the real issue....
where is the $20.00 he took from your household expenses? Where is the $$ from the bank account? What did he spend it on? It did NOT go towards his kids or the family...it went to something else and you have every right to know. That is a whole lot more relevant than a blouse you wore 2 years ago.
Oh and why on earth did he go and spend all this $$ and lose his salary for 3 weeks on rehab if he is drinking again.
These are those "burning questions" that he needs to "focus on"....and why is he NOT doing what was recommended to change.
what a jerk.
Your plan was sensible. he still gets to spend time with the family and the kids are not further traumatized. He can keep his comments about your blouses to himself, it is HIS insecurity, not yours. Don't let him deflect from the real issue....
where is the $20.00 he took from your household expenses? Where is the $$ from the bank account? What did he spend it on? It did NOT go towards his kids or the family...it went to something else and you have every right to know. That is a whole lot more relevant than a blouse you wore 2 years ago.
Oh and why on earth did he go and spend all this $$ and lose his salary for 3 weeks on rehab if he is drinking again.
These are those "burning questions" that he needs to "focus on"....and why is he NOT doing what was recommended to change.
what a jerk.
I made 40$ last me TWO WEEKS while he was in treatment.... TWO WEEKS!
I needed this post, because I'm starting to get pissed off again.
He came to me last night...it must have been round 5...and said-
"you are right. The drinking and the abuse are out of control. I could have went to a meeting. I guess I just wasn't really ready to quit."
I think he expected me to come back with something sweet and reassuring- but I told him about the memory that came back to me about our 9 year old son crying very hard because he missed his dad, who was in treatment. I told him I wasn't willing to sacrifice our childrens childhoods anymore. Then he just stormed off.....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
If you can't see where he is spending the $$, there may be an additional addiction BESIDES the alcohol. this can also account for his mood swings, insomnia, obsessive behavior.
Redbull and junk food don't make you that broke. take a good look, do some addition (and practice your math) about where the $$ is going. he can take a sandwich from home and a tastycake, a generic soda and save that $$, not starve to death.
trust your gut. Do you smell deception? Ask him some tough questions. You are struggling to make ends meet, feed the kids, put gas in the car and he is off to the gas station for an Energy Drink? I don't think so....(but I don't know him either).
In NJ, all you can buy at Gas Stations are gas (and we do not pump our own), for the most part that is what they focus on. the little convenience stores are far and few except for WaWa in my area. but i live in a very urban section and there is a store or mall within spitting distance of every gas station too.
Redbull and junk food don't make you that broke. take a good look, do some addition (and practice your math) about where the $$ is going. he can take a sandwich from home and a tastycake, a generic soda and save that $$, not starve to death.
trust your gut. Do you smell deception? Ask him some tough questions. You are struggling to make ends meet, feed the kids, put gas in the car and he is off to the gas station for an Energy Drink? I don't think so....(but I don't know him either).
In NJ, all you can buy at Gas Stations are gas (and we do not pump our own), for the most part that is what they focus on. the little convenience stores are far and few except for WaWa in my area. but i live in a very urban section and there is a store or mall within spitting distance of every gas station too.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Free, do you resent the time he was gone? I found it really hard when my husband was at rehab, and even when he was gone to visit his sister for a long stay. I needed that time though to get awareness of what I need to be capable of doing myself. No difference if he's working and spending that and I'm worried about impending disaster.
Our kids were proud of him for getting help. Unsure, stressed, but glad he was there. Yeah, it doesn't fix things, but as much as I hope the kids never have a problem with addiction themselves, chances are one of them or someone they care about will. Learning how to reach out for help has been important for both of us and it's modeling healthier behaviors for our kids. You are doing so amazing at that with your kids and showing them how to get help, how to reach out and get a better life that you so very much deserve!!
Detox/rehab isn't the answer, but it can be important, safe places to be to find help with addictions.
I'm so proud of you!! Now breath and find something that brings a smile to your face today. You deserve some peace and joy, even in the midst of a hurricane. (((Hugs)))
Our kids were proud of him for getting help. Unsure, stressed, but glad he was there. Yeah, it doesn't fix things, but as much as I hope the kids never have a problem with addiction themselves, chances are one of them or someone they care about will. Learning how to reach out for help has been important for both of us and it's modeling healthier behaviors for our kids. You are doing so amazing at that with your kids and showing them how to get help, how to reach out and get a better life that you so very much deserve!!
Detox/rehab isn't the answer, but it can be important, safe places to be to find help with addictions.
I'm so proud of you!! Now breath and find something that brings a smile to your face today. You deserve some peace and joy, even in the midst of a hurricane. (((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Oh Good Lord what a night - I'm just now getting caught up! FTS... that was eery about your post and choosing your name long ago... wow! Does you AH work on weekends? If not, that's a lot of "down time" coming up. I'm praying for you!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think dandy has a good idea here--take the phone to the DV advocate and see what can be done about getting him out NOW. I don't like where this weekend might be heading.
And with all due respect to Fandy, I wouldn't be asking him any "tough questions" right now. That can all be explored later, if necessary, but not right now. Keep your eyes in front of you, safety first.
And with all due respect to Fandy, I wouldn't be asking him any "tough questions" right now. That can all be explored later, if necessary, but not right now. Keep your eyes in front of you, safety first.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Good Morning,
Lexie is right on this. It may seem contrary to hold back on things, now that you are getting stronger and have more of an understanding of what is going on, but is a necessity. You mentioned separation to him. This is when abuse escalates. Fandys questions are excellent for your own self knowledge.
This is the time for you to remain calm, and sane, get all of your ducks in a row, get things worked out without letting on about what you are doing.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Lexie is right on this. It may seem contrary to hold back on things, now that you are getting stronger and have more of an understanding of what is going on, but is a necessity. You mentioned separation to him. This is when abuse escalates. Fandys questions are excellent for your own self knowledge.
This is the time for you to remain calm, and sane, get all of your ducks in a row, get things worked out without letting on about what you are doing.
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Ok--wow------
Just got off the phone with my grandma--she said "Niki-- you know your grandpa and I will help you with money- so don't worry about that. We are committed to seeing you through school." she told me that I should NO longer count AH income as mine and simply not to count on it at ALL. she said she would help work out the details. My grandma is incredibly wealthy and very tough love, but she says she has seen how much I have grown and her and grandpa are so proud of me.
That was sooooooo nice. Man, I am damn lucky. Not lucky...blessed. very blessed.
I had to hang up on my sister because she was YELLING at me about how I should have let AH's bio kids talk to their birthmom (who is a meth head) on facebook. And how me blocking her from their page was totally inappropriate. I did that because my children came to me and said this woman was messaging them all this weird stuff and it made them uncomfortable. In my parental opinion, facebook is not the appropriate platform in which you get back in contact with your birth children. They knew next to NOTHING about this woman and I did what I felt best. And this happened LAST YEAR!
I realized when I was on the phone with grams that my sister reminds me a lot of talking to AH.
Then AH send me a text saying : "so your really not talking or anything else with anyone I should know about and I have every right to know"
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Just got off the phone with my grandma--she said "Niki-- you know your grandpa and I will help you with money- so don't worry about that. We are committed to seeing you through school." she told me that I should NO longer count AH income as mine and simply not to count on it at ALL. she said she would help work out the details. My grandma is incredibly wealthy and very tough love, but she says she has seen how much I have grown and her and grandpa are so proud of me.
That was sooooooo nice. Man, I am damn lucky. Not lucky...blessed. very blessed.
I had to hang up on my sister because she was YELLING at me about how I should have let AH's bio kids talk to their birthmom (who is a meth head) on facebook. And how me blocking her from their page was totally inappropriate. I did that because my children came to me and said this woman was messaging them all this weird stuff and it made them uncomfortable. In my parental opinion, facebook is not the appropriate platform in which you get back in contact with your birth children. They knew next to NOTHING about this woman and I did what I felt best. And this happened LAST YEAR!
I realized when I was on the phone with grams that my sister reminds me a lot of talking to AH.
Then AH send me a text saying : "so your really not talking or anything else with anyone I should know about and I have every right to know"
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
freetosmile, Niki, big hugs to you. You are amazing, and you are loved. Thank you for what you bring to us. It is a gift and I treasure it.
To pick up the phone to call the DVD center, to call your grandma and have this conversation... these things are huge, solid foundations to a healthy recovery. Big kudos.
I'm so happy you have the emotional and financial support needed right now. Stay safe. Sending prayers for you and the kids.
To pick up the phone to call the DVD center, to call your grandma and have this conversation... these things are huge, solid foundations to a healthy recovery. Big kudos.
I'm so happy you have the emotional and financial support needed right now. Stay safe. Sending prayers for you and the kids.
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