freetosmile

VERY powerful- gave me chills-- ugh-- I want OUT!

freetosmile

This thought just occurred to me--- sorry I'm blowing up the thread--

What if he WON'T move out and do a "separation"? Do I go straight to divorce mode then?

freetosmile

ok- i'm freaking out and my shift button on computer isn't working- so i'm out of luck on the capital letters.

he keeps texting me asking what "specifically" i want to talk to him about tonight. He asked me if he should be concerned. and am i throwing him out?

I just want to wait and talk tonight! I don't want to do this over text..but he keeps hounding me!

happybeingme

Free, you are allowed to blowup your own thread.

If he refuses to leave you may need to consult an attorney or law enforcement. The house is his legal residence

lillamy

Don't respond. You've told him you want to talk tonight, he needs to respect that.

Also -- be careful tonight. Have an escape plan in case he becomes violent. I know I sound like your overprotective grandmother but it's my past. The minute I said "divorce" it unleashed an entirely new hell in my life. ((((hugs)))

freetosmile

that made me laugh! thanks

amy55

Shut your phone off or ignore it. You do not have to answer any of his text.

What I would recommend is that you call the DV hotline, get the # for you local DV center. Find out what resources they have. In my county, the Prosecutor was the pro-bono attorney for DV. Find out as much information as you can from the DV shelter. They also have support groups that meet, I think, weekly.

Set up your support system there. Again, always keep your phone on you. Always have the local DV # on the phone. You can give it a name like Mary, someone you know from college.

I'm really glad you are thinking about all of this now.

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

freetosmile

tallking to advocate now amy

amy55

As for the question should you change "separation" into "divorce", I would say, not tonight. If he refuses to leave, I think you should back off, tell him you need time to think about things, stay in your daughters room tonight. Then set things in action tomorrow, or whenever you can.

Be prepared, be safe, and remember, we are with you.

amy

amy55

Thank you
amy

Carlotta

You can do it. You are stronger than you think and if tonight you feel safer renting a motel room then do it.
Here is the laugh requested

freetosmile

ok-

talk to advocate- check.
I've gotten two messages from him-- since then:

1. so I take it it's going to be really bad
2. i just have to know- did you cheat?


AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! F- off!!!!! why is this always about ME and MY body!!!!?

If he comes home drunk, I'm not asking him to leave. I'll just ignore him for the night. Problem is, if he knows I won't talk to him drunk, he may never come home sober. I'll just have to tell him during the day then I guess.

Jupiters

omg.
I'm dying. DYING

@sorry - that was at the cat clip.

not at you FTS

amy55

free,

What kind of information did you get from the advocate? Is this the DV advocate for your county, or is this the DV shelter?

Did you ask about the shelter and how things run there?

Did you save all the text that he has been sending you? I think you might be aware that the only way to get him out of there is with a Restraining Order.

Here for you,
amy

Of course it is all about you, and I think you can use that to determine that he is not in a good mood.

freetosmile

at kitty!!!!

dandylion

freetosmile...if it gets too dicey tonight....don't hesitate to call 911...the police can escort you and the children to a safe location AWAY from him. You can then go forward from there---with the help of the DV advocates and the legal system.
I'm glad that you did talk to the dv folks today. They have the resources and contacts that you will need.

I fear that he is accellerating. You have shown your strength and his fear of losing control of you must be considered. This is a dangerous time because of this.
In addition, he is very delusional around the issue of infidelity and the various paranoid fears that he has. Remember that he BELIEVES these things.
Don't overestimate your ability to reason with a person who is in the state that he is.

Avoid "future tripping", right now. Act to get distance and safety is the first priority, now.
Take care of the rest, afterward.

When the house is on fire, there is no time to think about putting in smoke detectors....it is time to act.

dandylion

freetosmile

lol---- no worries!!

Carlotta

Save all the texts and try not to engage him.
Actually email all those texts to an email account he does not know about as a back up in case he goes nuts and takes away your cell. They will come in handy for your separation.
Make sure you got your purse with your car keys in them, your cell and a little debit card with a few hundreds on it right next to the door in case you need to make an emergency exit tonight.
If you don't have one and can afford it, get a prepaid one at the 711. I like rushcard but greendot is not bad either. They ve got monthly fees but after the emergency is over you can always use them for online shopping.

Take deep belly breathes whenever you feel the panic and belly fear rise.
Be safe and stay in touch with us.

amy55

Needed to add in one other thing. Sometimes there are safe times to talk to an alcoholic, there is never a safe time to talk to an abuser.

amy

freetosmile

Yes, I have considered all of the above. Thank you very much.

Here is the plan:

I have spoke with DV advocate- I have a place to stay tonight with the kids if we start to feel unsafe. If things get bad- I will call 911- grab the emergency bag and kids (not in that order) and head into town. I will call DV shelter on the way into town.

My plan tonight is to ask for a separation.

Him live in a motel (pay by the week thing). He can come here, eat, hang out with the kids, but then he goes back to his "home".

I plan to tell him that we (kids and I) need to see a good solid 6 months of sobriety and NO verbal/ emotional abuse before I am willing to discuss the future of our marriage.

*please understand- I DO NOT expect that he will work towards those goals- my real intention here is buy some time so that I can hire that lawyer...grandparents may help with that- I don't know yet-- and get custody of HIS kids

If he does work them, then that's great. But in doing this, I have created a safe place for the kids and I, and I will have given me and the kids more time for detachment.

I never really seen a LOT of physical violence from this man-- and if I do, it's directed at the walls or whatever. I'm NOT discrediting the possibility, however. Which is why I've made these plans with DV.

NOW I feel "locked and loaded".

I need to talk to the kids now- they are JUST now home from school.