jjj111

Hello all,

I usually post in F&F of Substance Abusers, but think I belong here, too. I didn't get much feedback on my last post over there and thought maybe you guys would have some words of wisdom for me.

It's recently become clear that my sister is drinking heavily again. She has a history of 10+ years of alcoholism, opiate addiction, and various other drugs. A few years ago, she got arrested and lost her license for a year, and after that went to court-ordered NA and was pretty into it for a while, met another addict and had a son, but at some point after he was born they both started using again. But she went to detox a year ago and since then has broken up with her son's father and went back to school, seemed to be turning her life around. After all I've been through with her, I was skeptical, but felt a little hope. We started talking on the phone and on FB more often, after being semi-estranged for many years. But then last week a series of posts on her FB page alerted me to the fact that she's still drinking--she apparently got wasted while hanging out with her son's daycare provider and then made an impulsive decision to drive two hours to hang out with an old boyfriend. I don't know where her son was in all of this.

Anyway, I'm just having a hard time figuring out where appropriate boundaries are here? Do I just step back from the contact we've had lately? Do I tell her I'm concerned or just let it go? I'm worried for her son, too. She lives halfway across the country, though, and there's not much I can do to know what's going on. How do you guys cope with alcoholic family members with vulnerable kids? My parents were both alcoholics, too, both have died from the consequences of their drinking. I'm so tired of the merry-go-round!

knowthetriggers

Hi - sorry to hear of your situation. Have you ever been to Alanon?

There are lots of helpful links at the top of the forum. You could start there for a better understanding.

Talking might help, but only if your sister is willing to listen. If she is indeed under the influence then there is no need to talk, you won't break thru to her. Personally I would wait until she is sober.

Sorry - I wish I had more insight for you. Honestly if it were my niece or nephew I would do what I could to protect the innocent child. But that is just my opinion.

I wish you all the best and keep coming back!

Refiner

Hi, and I'm sorry for what brings you here. My sister being an A actually is what first brought me here, but I've got many other angles on the disease being ACOA, previous A spouse, etc etc. Anywhoooo... are you close with your sister? If so, maybe just let her know you're concerned for her but ESPECIALLY for her child is about as much as you can do. It's up to her to do anything about it. My sister is also a toxic person with NPD, so I eventually went No Contact, so it's all pretty easy for me at this point. Al-Anon would be good for you to understand what tools you can use to cope. And everyone here is really supportive with lots of good experience and advice. Good luck.

jjj111

Thanks for the replies, it means a lot to get some feedback. I just sent her a note on FB saying I noticed there has been some drinking going on and asking if she is OK. I told her I know she has the tools she needs to cope but wanted her to know that I am rooting for her to be happy and healthy. We'll see how that goes. I guess I feel like I walk on eggshells with her. I think sometimes that she is dealing with BPD and/or NPD. She has a long history of flipping out when she feels criticized or abandoned, and has cut off our relationship a few times over the years. We have sometimes gone years without speaking. I think sometimes that I would be better off not being in touch. It's hard because she and my brother are all the family I have and so I hate to contemplate not having contact, but the truth is that our contact isn't very substantial anyway, mostly FB messaging. And seeing these posts of her "LOL"ing about her drinking upsets me.

I have done the SR thing for a while now and have been in therapy for about ten years, done a lot of reading about codependency, but I've never done a F2F al-anon meeting. I was telling myself for a while there that things would be fine and I didn't have to worry about her, but now the worry is back and I could definitely use a little support! I've had many qualifiers over the years, my parents, my sister, a few XBFs, it's definitely a pattern.

Refiner

I understand this so completely. I only have a brother (and we're VERY close but he lives 3000 miles away) and this sister I wrote about (who lives about 10 minutes away!). It came down to only the superficial FB posts for us, too... but I even stopped that. Why go through the motions of acting like I care when I truly don't? She has been nothing but a horrible person to me my whole life. The only downside to not being able to have a relationship with her is that means I can't have one with my nephew... her son who happens to have Down syndrome... I would love to be able to spend time with him, but when I'd try, she'd serve as the middleman and make my efforts stupidly impossible and I just couldn't deal with her anymore. Did you sister ever respond?

shinebright7

So hard to watch our loved ones in their addiction. I agree that a F2F Al-Anon meeting could be great. For me, those rooms area a place where I can BREATHE. Something about them feels really safe to me. I don't feel like I have to BE anything other than where I'm at in the moment. I don't smile at others if I don't feel like it. If I need to close my eyes because I'm tired, I do. If I just need to space out and stare at the floor while someone shares, I do that. I find this super freeing instead of feeling like I have to control how others perceive me or to make them like me, etc. I also love the structure of the meetings -- I find it really comforting. Not to mention all the great insight that comes from being with others who are working the program. Forums like this are great, but I also need the F2F connection. Wishing you all the best. <3

Sotiredofitall

I agree with you shine. For me the first meeting was really awkward and I felt soooo out of place. But when I realized that I could look for what we had in common instead of our differences it was a turning point and I was more open to learning. I too, feel *safe* there. They aren't there to condemn or blame or throw guilt around. We are all there to support the journeys of others. Hugs

shinebright7

We were just talking about this in our meeting this afternoon. One of the members was sharing how when they first came, they were trying to judge whether the other people's situation was "better" or "worse" than their own...and eventually this person realized that it was a level playing field in the sense that we've all been affected by another person's drinking.

Glad to hear you have a group and feel safe there. Hope you "keep comin' back!"

jjj111

Thanks for the feedback! I am going to look into finding an al-anon meeting. She did get back to me. She admitted that she'd gotten drunk the other night but claimed it had been "an eternity" since she'd had a drink before that and that the incident was just "a blip" that she was bouncing back from. I think this is quacking. I believe that she has been drinking regularly, she has let things slip a few times over the past few months. Heck, she posted a meme on FB the other day that said "Chase after you? B&*&, I don't even chase my liquor!" She has this side of her that relishes being a rebel. She has also gotten into firing guns lately as a hobby. I think it makes her feel tough. She has lied to me a lot over the years, and I don't really trust her. And she knows that a couple years ago I called CPS about my brother's daughter after my brother reported to me that his wife attacked his daughter. So I expect she is probably wary of telling me too much, knowing that I'm prepared to do what I need to do to protect children. And yes, part of the reason I hang on to our relationship is because I have a fantasy that I will one day have a chance to have a relationship with my nephew, but I know that's probably not really going to happen. Anyway, it's an open question whether it's worth continuing a relationship where there is so little trust and so much resentment. My experience in the past has been that it's not really worth cutting off contact entirely because it causes a lot of drama cutting ties, and she doesn't really seek me out that much. In fact, I offered to visit her this past Xmas because I thought she was sober and maybe we could have a nice, quiet time for the first time in...ever! And she told me it wasn't a good time for her. I suspect that what that meant was "I'm too busy getting drunk." She has been complaining a lot about dental pain, too, lately, so I'm not so sure she is even off the opiates.