Something weird is happening to me

Old 01-28-2015, 07:19 AM
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Something weird is happening to me

I can't put my finger on it- I really can't. I don't know if I'm "ok" or not.

RAH's "stuff" isn't bothering me anymore. Ok, I get it..that's good. But I bought him a card yesterday and laid it on his pillow. It was an " I love you card". And I wrote, " I don't know what your going through right now, but I want you know that when you feel like you need to talk, I'm ready to listen".

So the day went by without event. His 'tude was pleasant. Then we went to bed.

About 15 min into me going to sleep, I hear him.

"are you still awake?"

I was. I knew he wanted to talk.

I DIDN'T RESPOND......why? I just didn't WANT to talk. I was so nervous that he was going to start up with me again ( me cheating, me this, me that, my sister, quack quack) that I just didn't say anything!

I feel like I'm at the point where I don't care what his quackary is suggesting...to the point where I don't even want to sift through it's potential "meaning"...I simply don't want to hear it.

I might have passed up an opportunity to really hear something ELSE come out of his mouth. Maybe I should have responded and listened?

I don't even feel guilty about it either (?) I don't know what is happening to me. I used to be so worked up over this crap and now, eh...


But this isn't just about him. I did the same thing with my sister the other day. She was giving me a hard time about "not being able to talk to her". I just rolled my eyes and said- "I'm not doing this with you today" and hung up the phone. No guilt about it, nothing.

weird!
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Old 01-28-2015, 07:22 AM
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Good for you! I can hear your strength coming through in your posts much more so. If he wants to talk he will bring it up again, when you are ready to talk. Until then, keep sleeping my friend!!!!
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Old 01-28-2015, 07:33 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
Good for you! I can hear your strength coming through in your posts much more so. If he wants to talk he will bring it up again, when you are ready to talk. Until then, keep sleeping my friend!!!!
So, this IS good? I mean, I can see the protecting myself from "his stuff"...but am I turning into a cold-hearted b!tch?
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Old 01-28-2015, 08:12 AM
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I think it's healthy and normal
don't feel guilty. You're building boundaries.
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Old 01-28-2015, 08:28 AM
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freetosmile....I wrote you a l ong, long response....and the internet STOLE IT!!

So, I will just say that you will never become a cold-hearted bit**, because you were never like that in the first place.

This is just new territory for you....you will become accustomed to it.

Not to worry.


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Old 01-28-2015, 08:28 AM
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No, you're not turning into a cold-hearted whatever. You're becoming more normal in your involvement and personal enmeshment in other people's emotions. That IS a good thing.
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Old 01-28-2015, 09:02 AM
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When my phone rings, I sometimes don't answer it. Sometimes it's a friend or family, and I just don't feel like talking. I figure if it's something urgent they will leave a message, and if it isn't, I can call them back (or they can call me back). I used to feel I HAD to answer every call.

Same thing here--you were going to sleep. You have the right not to engage in what might have been an emotionally draining conversation just as you're going to sleep. If he were having chest pains, he probably would have let you know, right? Or if the house was on fire? Or the sewer backing up into the basement? Chances are he would have shaken you awake for something like that.

So don't feel guilty. You need your rest--you have a LOT going on in your life.
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Old 01-28-2015, 09:21 AM
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Ok, well I'm just gonna roll with it then.

Things just seem so weird lately, but perhaps it is a good thing.

Thanks. Just needed some validation.
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Old 01-28-2015, 09:22 AM
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Very good for you. Really happy for you. I went through the feelings you share. It felt so weird at first but now feels and comfortable to have normal and healthy boundaries.

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Old 01-28-2015, 09:30 AM
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Seems weird because it's NEW! You're creating a "new normal" & developing new tools & boundaries & at first it seems wrong because it's just so different.

A+, Free. That's how non-Codies actually act without hesitation. You are doing GREAT!

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Old 01-28-2015, 09:45 AM
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Yes, I agree.

He just sent me a text message saying he was really angry and mostly hurt by me and he will not listen to me that he can't be angry or hurt because he is and he has a reason to.

Just to be clear, I have never told him he doesn't have a right to be upset, I've simply said he doesn't have the right to attack me.

It's clear to me that this man is bound and determined to be miserable.

I mean this stuff that is hurting him is from 6 years ago. I guess it's not my call on how fast someone can get over something.

But I KNEW that was why he was giving me the silent treatment. I just KNEW it. I'm sooo glad I didn't talk to him last night.

I just responded to him by saying that I apologize if I made him feel like he didn't have the RIGHT to his feelings and that he had every right to feel however he wanted. I told him I am still dealing with a lot of anger too, and that it was something I just had to work through.


So, I can feel this coming on again. All of it. Question is, what am I going to do about it? Ignore it, acknowledge it, recount every bad thing I've ever done with him, plead and beg for forgiveness for being really dumb at the time and not thinking of him?

ugh ugh ugh
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Old 01-28-2015, 09:59 AM
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Free - you are doing GREAT! Don't look back now - not even once. Keep pressing forward and follow your instincts. You got this!
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Old 01-28-2015, 10:34 AM
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freetosmile....try not to future trip.

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Old 01-28-2015, 10:42 AM
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You're doing great. Just keep in mind, going forward, what you are learning.

And I agree with dandy--you have a bit of a tendency to rehearse and play exactly what you think is going to happen. Wait and see. It's best to stay flexible and loose, so you can respond AS YOU NEED TO, WHEN IT HAPPENS. Otherwise, you can wear yourself out living through (in your mind) something that may never happen, or will happen differently than you expect. Keep your wits about you and don't get fixated on how you THINK things will go.
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Old 01-28-2015, 10:47 AM
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Yes, I'm trying not to dandy. But with a text like that, how am I supposed to respond?
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Old 01-28-2015, 10:52 AM
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Yes I agree, I do have a tendency to " predict" the future...im just scared of being attacked again and ALL his behaviors lately are pointing to that. I mean this is pretty much exactly how things have progressed before treatment. Silent treatment, random texts saying he's angry at me, and when I respond APPROPRIATELY, that ticks him off even more. He hasn't responded to my text back...so I know it ticked in off.

I wish I didn't worry so much about his next action. But I worry because I want to be READY and he is so good at catching me off guard
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Old 01-28-2015, 10:54 AM
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Rebound effect.

You've gone from caring too much to not caring hardly at all.

Like a pendulum swing. Over time it should balance.
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Old 01-28-2015, 10:54 AM
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I think it sounds good. We are so used to engaging and getting in there that not doing any of that feels wrong/wierd/alarming.

I feel as if I am reading a "sound mind"

but I do have a question - why did you give him a lovey card if you are feeling "anti"? Are you "trying" - I don't know your whole story but I couldn't put my head around the card and the rest of the story...
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Old 01-28-2015, 10:54 AM
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"Have a good day" comes to mind or "I m really busy right now, ttyl" or not responding at all if you don't feel like it come to mind too.
He is starting to panic (and act up) because he feels his grip on you slipping.
Great job on your sister too You have a right to not engage (or disengage) with people's toxic bs no matter how close they are to you.

but I do have a question - why did you give him a lovey card if you are feeling "anti"? Are you "trying" - I don't know your whole story but I couldn't put my head around the card and the rest of the story...
I agree with that, don't give lovey cards unless you mean it. People pleasing can really trip you up (I have a tendency to people please myself believe it or not..always have to watch out for it).
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Old 01-28-2015, 11:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Carlotta View Post
"Have a good day" comes to mind or "I m really busy right now, ttyl" or not responding at all if you don't feel like it come to mind too.
He is starting to panic (and act up) because he feels his grip on you slipping.
Great job on your sister too You have a right to not engage (or disengage) with people's toxic bs no matter how close they are to you.


I agree with that, don't give lovey cards unless you mean it. People pleasing can really trip you up (I have a tendency to people please myself believe it or not..always have to watch out for it).
(nodding) Yep, yep, yep!

Another favorite line of mine is, "I'm sorry you feel that way" when you just want to put an end to the madness & not be disingenuous to yourself by apologizing for stuff you didn't do/say/think/whatever. With this line you aren't actually apologizing FOR anything but sometimes just hearing the word "sorry" can stop an asshat in his tracks. (at least that has been my experience)
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