Something weird is happening to me
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
freetosmile...I think your response was just fine. If he does go off about something--that is his reaction from the crazy stuff that whirls around in his own mind.
Normal people don't go off every time the wind blows.
It is very understandable, from your past experiences, that you are hyper vigilant. You had to be in your past life in order to survive. You lived in an unpredictable and threatening environment. It has been a protective action for you.
Remember that you are "locked and loaded". You won't fire unless you have to.
But, if you have to....YOU WILL!
dandylion
Normal people don't go off every time the wind blows.
It is very understandable, from your past experiences, that you are hyper vigilant. You had to be in your past life in order to survive. You lived in an unpredictable and threatening environment. It has been a protective action for you.
Remember that you are "locked and loaded". You won't fire unless you have to.
But, if you have to....YOU WILL!
dandylion
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
.but I'm not going to discuss how bad of a person I am
If he is delusional and thinks you are the reincarnation of MataHari it is his problem.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
You don't EVER have to discuss "how bad you were to him 6 years ago" AGAIN.
He can have all the feelings he wants to have AND you don't have to listen to them.
What he can't have is an automatic audience for whatever mean, warped, old and moldy bad thoughts he has about you.
If it were me, I'd say "You have the right to each and every one of your feelings. I've already told you I apologize for whatever I did that hurt you and I meant it; saying it again isn't going to fix anything. You did stuff that hurt me, too in the past. Rehashing old grievances isn't going to move us forward. What I am interested in now is whether, in this present moment, you want to commit to working with me to build a happy productive satisfying marriage for both of us. If you are, let's talk about what we each need to do in the present moment and forward. Otherwise, there's not much point in reliving the past."
ShootingStar1
He can have all the feelings he wants to have AND you don't have to listen to them.
What he can't have is an automatic audience for whatever mean, warped, old and moldy bad thoughts he has about you.
If it were me, I'd say "You have the right to each and every one of your feelings. I've already told you I apologize for whatever I did that hurt you and I meant it; saying it again isn't going to fix anything. You did stuff that hurt me, too in the past. Rehashing old grievances isn't going to move us forward. What I am interested in now is whether, in this present moment, you want to commit to working with me to build a happy productive satisfying marriage for both of us. If you are, let's talk about what we each need to do in the present moment and forward. Otherwise, there's not much point in reliving the past."
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Just had therapy. Damn i needed that. T really pointed out how I instantly switched to operating out of a place of fear. She is so right. Dandy you nailed, I'm very hyper vigilant. I just need to reassure all my "parts" ( hurt parts, broke parts, all the stuff from my past) that I will take care of them.
ugh. I feel better. But ugh. We discussed me leaving him. I needed to talk about that too.
thanks guys
ugh. I feel better. But ugh. We discussed me leaving him. I needed to talk about that too.
thanks guys
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Yeah. Just so you know . . . the "normal" people out there . . . They do not put up with much crap from a typical A.
I checked around. Normal people do not put up with this crap.
Of course . . . THAT is why the A is with us.
You know the Bear and Rabbit story?
I checked around. Normal people do not put up with this crap.
Of course . . . THAT is why the A is with us.
You know the Bear and Rabbit story?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Here, freetosmile -- from an older Hammer post (hope you don't mind, Hammer):
A Bear and a Rabbit are out in the Spring eating berries. After awhile both had to take a dump. The Rabbit goes to edge of the woods and poops out his little poops. The Bear comes over and lets the crap fly. And then rants, "I hate the way this S**t sticks to my fur!" The Rabbit mentions that it does not stick to his fur. The Bear looks over at the Rabbit and says, "In that case you will not mind . . ." And the Bear grabs the Rabbit and uses the Rabbit as toilet paper . . .
The Crap Stops when we say so.
The Crap Stops when we say so.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Originally Posted by Hammer 
Yeah. Just so you know . . . the "normal" people out there . . . They do not put up with much crap from a typical A.
I checked around. Normal people do not put up with this crap.
Of course . . . THAT is why the A is with us.
You know the Bear and Rabbit story?
I checked around. Normal people do not put up with this crap.
Of course . . . THAT is why the A is with us.
You know the Bear and Rabbit story?
I automatically assumed the persona of a jaded old floor nurse placating some crazy person. Detach Detach Detach.....
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by lillamy
Here, freetosmile -- from an older Hammer post (hope you don't mind, Hammer):
IF I cannot be a Good Example, perhaps I can serve as a Cautionary Tale.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
What fascinates me is this feeling of detachment. Maybe it's a feeling? It's like this thing inside of me that used to be there...is going away. I feel less and less agitated with "fights" or disagreements with my loved ones. I used to fret all day long if I had a bad fight with my wife. Now, I don't know...I just don't. It's like I am detaching from the behavior of EVERYONE. The alcoholic, the server, my co-workers, my boss, and anything else I don't have control over. I just stick to what works for me.
But, at the same time, another part of me doesn't like the change. It feels like I'm being cold. I'm being un-loving. I wonder if that's my people-pleasing self trying to regain control. And my healthy, with boundaries, reasonable detachment self is gaining momentum and FEELING good.
I'm not there yet, but I'm definitely moving. My counselor once said that I have "cravings" for a relationship with people just like I have cravings for alcohol (suffer from that disease too). In the circumstance, I was spinning my wheels about my relationships with some of my brothers that just haven't been working out. Perhaps that's co-dependence?
Now that those feelings are dissipating, a part of me ABSOLUTELY loves it, and another part hates it. I hope to understand what's going on within me over time. Is it the healthy me that likes the change? And the unhealthy me that doesn't? Is it that black-and-white?
I guess I will try to keep on doing what's been working. That's been going to meetings (AL-Anon, AA, etc), working steps, and trying to let go of the world and take better care of me.
Yep, not only will the alcoholics in my life hate my changes...but so will my people-pleasing, co-dependent self.
More work to do. Thanks for your share! Reading your post reminded me of how I feel.
But, at the same time, another part of me doesn't like the change. It feels like I'm being cold. I'm being un-loving. I wonder if that's my people-pleasing self trying to regain control. And my healthy, with boundaries, reasonable detachment self is gaining momentum and FEELING good.
I'm not there yet, but I'm definitely moving. My counselor once said that I have "cravings" for a relationship with people just like I have cravings for alcohol (suffer from that disease too). In the circumstance, I was spinning my wheels about my relationships with some of my brothers that just haven't been working out. Perhaps that's co-dependence?
Now that those feelings are dissipating, a part of me ABSOLUTELY loves it, and another part hates it. I hope to understand what's going on within me over time. Is it the healthy me that likes the change? And the unhealthy me that doesn't? Is it that black-and-white?
I guess I will try to keep on doing what's been working. That's been going to meetings (AL-Anon, AA, etc), working steps, and trying to let go of the world and take better care of me.
Yep, not only will the alcoholics in my life hate my changes...but so will my people-pleasing, co-dependent self.
More work to do. Thanks for your share! Reading your post reminded me of how I feel.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Originally Posted by thotful
What fascinates me is this feeling of detachment. Maybe it's a feeling? It's like this thing inside of me that used to be there...is going away. I feel less and less agitated with "fights" or disagreements with my loved ones. I used to fret all day long if I had a bad fight with my wife. Now, I don't know...I just don't. It's like I am detaching from the behavior of EVERYONE. The alcoholic, the server, my co-workers, my boss, and anything else I don't have control over. I just stick to what works for me.
But, at the same time, another part of me doesn't like the change. It feels like I'm being cold. I'm being un-loving. I wonder if that's my people-pleasing self trying to regain control. And my healthy, with boundaries, reasonable detachment self is gaining momentum and FEELING good.
I'm not there yet, but I'm definitely moving. My counselor once said that I have "cravings" for a relationship with people just like I have cravings for alcohol (suffer from that disease too). In the circumstance, I was spinning my wheels about my relationships with some of my brothers that just haven't been working out. Perhaps that's co-dependence?
Now that those feelings are dissipating, a part of me ABSOLUTELY loves it, and another part hates it. I hope to understand what's going on within me over time. Is it the healthy me that likes the change? And the unhealthy me that doesn't? Is it that black-and-white?
I guess I will try to keep on doing what's been working. That's been going to meetings (AL-Anon, AA, etc), working steps, and trying to let go of the world and take better care of me.
Yep, not only will the alcoholics in my life hate my changes...but so will my people-pleasing, co-dependent self.
More work to do. Thanks for your share! Reading your post reminded me of how I feel.
But, at the same time, another part of me doesn't like the change. It feels like I'm being cold. I'm being un-loving. I wonder if that's my people-pleasing self trying to regain control. And my healthy, with boundaries, reasonable detachment self is gaining momentum and FEELING good.
I'm not there yet, but I'm definitely moving. My counselor once said that I have "cravings" for a relationship with people just like I have cravings for alcohol (suffer from that disease too). In the circumstance, I was spinning my wheels about my relationships with some of my brothers that just haven't been working out. Perhaps that's co-dependence?
Now that those feelings are dissipating, a part of me ABSOLUTELY loves it, and another part hates it. I hope to understand what's going on within me over time. Is it the healthy me that likes the change? And the unhealthy me that doesn't? Is it that black-and-white?
I guess I will try to keep on doing what's been working. That's been going to meetings (AL-Anon, AA, etc), working steps, and trying to let go of the world and take better care of me.
Yep, not only will the alcoholics in my life hate my changes...but so will my people-pleasing, co-dependent self.
More work to do. Thanks for your share! Reading your post reminded me of how I feel.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
I started feeling weird over last fall. The mental peace & quiet compared to months before felt unusual and strange as if I was missing something or pretending to be something different. It feels more usual now but for a while it was definitely weird to shrug off the usual traffic nonsense or to not get peeved by others' foibles.
I still get the relationship cravings sometimes (ego driven stuff mostly) and all the codie traps are still there. When I step into one of them the internal discord is far more apparent, but sometimes getting that tape to stop playing is tough; higher power work or chatting with someone "in-network" helps there.
Just this morning I was listening to an AA speaker recording on the way to work, she brought up how complicated her sex inventory was. A quick little thought crossed thru my head that I regretted NOT having a big sex inventory (because having one means having had a lot of action)... lol as if having a big inventory & lots of amends is desirable. I saw that one for what it was and laughed but the codie brain will drop this kind of stuff on you out of nowhere and sometimes its insidious.
I still get the relationship cravings sometimes (ego driven stuff mostly) and all the codie traps are still there. When I step into one of them the internal discord is far more apparent, but sometimes getting that tape to stop playing is tough; higher power work or chatting with someone "in-network" helps there.
Just this morning I was listening to an AA speaker recording on the way to work, she brought up how complicated her sex inventory was. A quick little thought crossed thru my head that I regretted NOT having a big sex inventory (because having one means having had a lot of action)... lol as if having a big inventory & lots of amends is desirable. I saw that one for what it was and laughed but the codie brain will drop this kind of stuff on you out of nowhere and sometimes its insidious.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Originally Posted by Hawks
Rebound effect.
You've gone from caring too much to not caring hardly at all.
Like a pendulum swing. Over time it should balance.
You've gone from caring too much to not caring hardly at all.
Like a pendulum swing. Over time it should balance.
Thank you. Sorry to hijack the thread, but this totally reaches me this week.
At work a couple days ago, there was another director who left her purse behind after a meeting, and my boss grabbed it to return it. Well, my boss got sucked into another meeting and had the director's purse with her! The director came in five times to check, recheck, say she was upset my boss took it, check again, and then was just making sure that my boss hadn't come back up with her purse. All in about a half hour.
I said I didn't know where my boss was, and my co-worker (next to me) sent her a text. No answer. I suggested another meeting she may have been at, bt wasn't (my co-worker checked). Finally, after the fifth time I realized which other meeting my boss could have been at. She was. Got the purse. Dropped it off.
The director came in and was very gracious, said she had to get a number out of there to give to someone and was in a hurry. She thanked us for tracking it down.
Anyways, my co-worker said to me she was surprised at how aggressivly the director was treating us, who had no idea what happend with who's purse?
Normally, I would have jumped up and ran down to find her purse. It would have been my mission to recover it. Instead, all the way down to the meeting I kept thinking, well don't leave your f****ing purse behind then next time.
I felt so awful but I couldn't help it. Then I remember my pendulum was swinging.
And thank you, Dandylion. I've never been a cold-hearted b***h, either. I hope you're right I won't be one now!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Wow, that's a good insight into what happens in the mind of a "fixer" there auroraxborealis.
I Can see my wife there actually.
She often takes on others problems and issues like they were life and death situations.
Like if a friend of hers has been having a hard time with someone or something, all of a sudden she is in there boots and all, trying to fix everything.
As if the earth will spin off its axis if the situation is not resolved immediately.
It can be big stuff or small stuff, it doesn't seem to matter, she drops everything and runs.
Sometimes people appreciate the help and say so, sometimes they don't appreciate and say so, she is normally Ok with that, but most often they are indifferent and that drives her absolutely nuts.
Like if there is no resolution either way, the problem remains unsolved and she just can't handle it.
I guess the point is to not get attached to the outcomes.
I Can see my wife there actually.
She often takes on others problems and issues like they were life and death situations.
Like if a friend of hers has been having a hard time with someone or something, all of a sudden she is in there boots and all, trying to fix everything.
As if the earth will spin off its axis if the situation is not resolved immediately.
It can be big stuff or small stuff, it doesn't seem to matter, she drops everything and runs.
Sometimes people appreciate the help and say so, sometimes they don't appreciate and say so, she is normally Ok with that, but most often they are indifferent and that drives her absolutely nuts.
Like if there is no resolution either way, the problem remains unsolved and she just can't handle it.
I guess the point is to not get attached to the outcomes.
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