Letting go of anger and resentment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Sulphur LA
Posts: 47
Letting go of anger and resentment
I feel that I am at a crossroad in my recovery and am having trouble taking the next step. I'm typing this out mostly to help me organise my own thoughts but any comments/suggestions are welcome.
My A husband of 25 years has been dry for almost a year. The situation that precipitated his "bottom" was my learning that he had been cheating on me for the past 3 years with multiple partners. I started attending Al Anon meetings because I knew I needed help and felt I had nowhere else to turn. It's been rough but we both have made great strides in our recovery ... so much so that we are discussing renewing our vows. We are close again and I feel I've gotten back the man that I married.
The problem is that I am having trouble letting go of the anger and resentment I feel towards the way he treated me before he stopped drinking as well as the anger and resentment towards the affairs. I'm aware of it, I think I've accepted the fact that this has changed who I am and that at least part of those feelings will always be with me. Not sure what action I should take (referring to the 3 A's). It's affecting other parts of my life too. When my AH wants to talk about the renewal ceremony, I keep putting him off. In fact I have trouble making any long range plans. It's also affecting our intimacy. This is MY problem. He has given me no reason to doubt his feelings. I am trying to stop taking his inventory and focus on my own recovery but I keep comming back to this one issue.
I guess that is all the relevant info. I'll go back to looking for a sledge hammer to hit this wall with. *sigh*
My A husband of 25 years has been dry for almost a year. The situation that precipitated his "bottom" was my learning that he had been cheating on me for the past 3 years with multiple partners. I started attending Al Anon meetings because I knew I needed help and felt I had nowhere else to turn. It's been rough but we both have made great strides in our recovery ... so much so that we are discussing renewing our vows. We are close again and I feel I've gotten back the man that I married.
The problem is that I am having trouble letting go of the anger and resentment I feel towards the way he treated me before he stopped drinking as well as the anger and resentment towards the affairs. I'm aware of it, I think I've accepted the fact that this has changed who I am and that at least part of those feelings will always be with me. Not sure what action I should take (referring to the 3 A's). It's affecting other parts of my life too. When my AH wants to talk about the renewal ceremony, I keep putting him off. In fact I have trouble making any long range plans. It's also affecting our intimacy. This is MY problem. He has given me no reason to doubt his feelings. I am trying to stop taking his inventory and focus on my own recovery but I keep comming back to this one issue.
I guess that is all the relevant info. I'll go back to looking for a sledge hammer to hit this wall with. *sigh*
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
dust bunny - congrats on both of you working on yourselves. that would be very tough - what about some type of counseling or are you doing that already? i am no expert - just my 2 cents worth.
good luck - cwohio
good luck - cwohio
Al-Anon Saved Me!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 21
Courage
Can't offer advice.. but i can speak from my experience... my wife of 13+ years left me with our five kids and cheated on me with numerous partners. This has been unbelievably painful and I continue to struggle with forgiving her. One of my close advisor ( a priest who has gone through plenty of persecution ) loaned me this book... "Forgive and Forget"
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...glance&s=books
I have started to work with it and it seems it could offer you some help. My heart goes out to you. I can truly empathize with your situation and I'm very sorry for your loss... when i first found out about her first transgression something inside me died. I still love her, but something new has to take it's place. Trust is shattered and it takes a long, long time to get that back. From what I can tell, I believe you are capable of forgiving and moving on, but it's not going to be easy because you'll need to truly let go of that pain, but only after you have processed it. We all make mistakes, some that hurt people we care about most. You're husband has hurt you very deeply, and you'll need to reach out to God for the strength and grace to heal. i don't mean to preach to you.. but Christ's parable of the prodigal son may provide you some comfort, if your husband is committing to you, then it's time to slaughter the fatted calf! focus on the future and building a new life together.
One last point, working with a counselor as a third party to build reconcile and process the past may be helpful.. I tried.. my wife decided to leave instead.... sigh.. but that's my story.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg...glance&s=books
I have started to work with it and it seems it could offer you some help. My heart goes out to you. I can truly empathize with your situation and I'm very sorry for your loss... when i first found out about her first transgression something inside me died. I still love her, but something new has to take it's place. Trust is shattered and it takes a long, long time to get that back. From what I can tell, I believe you are capable of forgiving and moving on, but it's not going to be easy because you'll need to truly let go of that pain, but only after you have processed it. We all make mistakes, some that hurt people we care about most. You're husband has hurt you very deeply, and you'll need to reach out to God for the strength and grace to heal. i don't mean to preach to you.. but Christ's parable of the prodigal son may provide you some comfort, if your husband is committing to you, then it's time to slaughter the fatted calf! focus on the future and building a new life together.
One last point, working with a counselor as a third party to build reconcile and process the past may be helpful.. I tried.. my wife decided to leave instead.... sigh.. but that's my story.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Dust Bunny,
A lot of my ability to forgive and truly let go of the past came from working the 12 steps of Al-Anon. With guidance from the literature, and help from my group and a wonderful sponsor, I began to see how addiction and obsession can drive us to do extreme things to try to fix that gaping hole inside. Some people are driven to greater and lesser extremes in the eyes of others, but we seem to all have to hit a bottom before we can seek true healing and recovery. Understanding that about myself, and forgiving myself, made me able to understand and forgive the actions of others. It takes time. As long as I am focussed on my recovery, I have found that the healing comes. Hugs, Magic
A lot of my ability to forgive and truly let go of the past came from working the 12 steps of Al-Anon. With guidance from the literature, and help from my group and a wonderful sponsor, I began to see how addiction and obsession can drive us to do extreme things to try to fix that gaping hole inside. Some people are driven to greater and lesser extremes in the eyes of others, but we seem to all have to hit a bottom before we can seek true healing and recovery. Understanding that about myself, and forgiving myself, made me able to understand and forgive the actions of others. It takes time. As long as I am focussed on my recovery, I have found that the healing comes. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Step 3.Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God,as we understood Him.accepting the 3rd step was a discipline we set for ourselves.It took vigilance not to slip and take back the reins into our own hands.We had been trying to solve our problems, make choices and determine our actions by means of our fallible wisdom and power alone.We had many changes to make and we were able to begin by trying to learn how to use the help of a Higher Power.
This step and learning to have a relationship with God,is the only way that i have found to forgive others,who have or are hurting me.Through my HP.,and the tools of program.Im human,and i can hurt.My hurt feelings wont change others.What it does is make them aware that im hurt.They make the decisions whether to change or not.But seeing others with the eyes,and heart, that they too are sick,helps me.Its over.the past is a dust of ashes.I learn from it.If im still holding on,there must either be a pay-off in it for me,,or maybe im so use to not letting go,,that i have some work to do on me.Have you both done steps 4-9 ??..Whats happening today?If i bring up yearterday into today im missing my very life.Its not spent,living.Its spent in remembering.Thats not life.Please talk with your sponsor.She knows you like no other.And let her help you find the root to the why ,your,going back to the past.No matter what he does,the past happened.He can only make sure those actions are never repeated,and make his amends,to you.He cant take them back.Find, forgivenss,and move on to your new life.He and you when living recovery are just not the same peoples that you, both,were in the past.The best is yet to be...Keep into Today..One day at a time.Thank you for sharring,
my prayers are sent to you and your hubby.May you peace...
God Bless,,take care!!!!!!!!!!
This step and learning to have a relationship with God,is the only way that i have found to forgive others,who have or are hurting me.Through my HP.,and the tools of program.Im human,and i can hurt.My hurt feelings wont change others.What it does is make them aware that im hurt.They make the decisions whether to change or not.But seeing others with the eyes,and heart, that they too are sick,helps me.Its over.the past is a dust of ashes.I learn from it.If im still holding on,there must either be a pay-off in it for me,,or maybe im so use to not letting go,,that i have some work to do on me.Have you both done steps 4-9 ??..Whats happening today?If i bring up yearterday into today im missing my very life.Its not spent,living.Its spent in remembering.Thats not life.Please talk with your sponsor.She knows you like no other.And let her help you find the root to the why ,your,going back to the past.No matter what he does,the past happened.He can only make sure those actions are never repeated,and make his amends,to you.He cant take them back.Find, forgivenss,and move on to your new life.He and you when living recovery are just not the same peoples that you, both,were in the past.The best is yet to be...Keep into Today..One day at a time.Thank you for sharring,
my prayers are sent to you and your hubby.May you peace...
God Bless,,take care!!!!!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
Hey
Once when I was hurting my sister gave me a book titled Healing the Hurts You don't Deserve ( sorry don't know the aurther). The general jist of the book was instead of looking at him as the man who betrayed you look at him as the man who was weak and needy. I wish I had more words of comfort for you but, maybe you would like to try that. Good Luck and best wishes
Once when I was hurting my sister gave me a book titled Healing the Hurts You don't Deserve ( sorry don't know the aurther). The general jist of the book was instead of looking at him as the man who betrayed you look at him as the man who was weak and needy. I wish I had more words of comfort for you but, maybe you would like to try that. Good Luck and best wishes
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Sulphur LA
Posts: 47
Thankyou you all for your kind words. I read them all and there are some real pearls of wisdom there. I feel privaleged to have inspired you to share them.
We have both considered counseling. Even though we feel it might help, it just is not an option for us for several reasons.
I am working the steps. I seem to be stuck on step six and I only just realized that this issue is probably what is holding me back. A pay off for holding on to the past? I can't imagine what that would be except ~possibly~ to justify my own sickness. I really think that what is causing me to hold on to the past is fear of the future... fear that he will start drinking again... fear that he will pull away from me again ... fear of abandonment. We were so close untill a few years ago when his disease got the upper hand. We are getting close again but there is still a lot of pain ... on both sides.
We have both considered counseling. Even though we feel it might help, it just is not an option for us for several reasons.
I am working the steps. I seem to be stuck on step six and I only just realized that this issue is probably what is holding me back. A pay off for holding on to the past? I can't imagine what that would be except ~possibly~ to justify my own sickness. I really think that what is causing me to hold on to the past is fear of the future... fear that he will start drinking again... fear that he will pull away from me again ... fear of abandonment. We were so close untill a few years ago when his disease got the upper hand. We are getting close again but there is still a lot of pain ... on both sides.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Oregon
Posts: 80
Dust Bunny:
I think there are a lot of us out there in this big world who have had our hopes and dreams shattered. I know how you feel because I've been felt just as you do, many times. Mine was still drinking and acting out, so not well. I wonder though even if by some miracle he were to make himself well, if I would try again? It's so difficult to believe that this time it will be different because I was so trained to watch out for the flying shoes! Now we have to find a way to trust again, maybe that only comes with time? I believe that one day when I'm ready to trust someone again I will, until then I'm just going to hold onto the belief that ANYTHING is possible!
One thing that has helped me a lot is to go to the COSA meetings, maybe it's not for you, but I've found it so helpful to be in a room full of people that understand what it's like to go through these things. It's just such a different set of feelings from the alcoholism, I don't think I really understand it yet.
Best of luck to you!
Hugs,
marci
I think there are a lot of us out there in this big world who have had our hopes and dreams shattered. I know how you feel because I've been felt just as you do, many times. Mine was still drinking and acting out, so not well. I wonder though even if by some miracle he were to make himself well, if I would try again? It's so difficult to believe that this time it will be different because I was so trained to watch out for the flying shoes! Now we have to find a way to trust again, maybe that only comes with time? I believe that one day when I'm ready to trust someone again I will, until then I'm just going to hold onto the belief that ANYTHING is possible!
One thing that has helped me a lot is to go to the COSA meetings, maybe it's not for you, but I've found it so helpful to be in a room full of people that understand what it's like to go through these things. It's just such a different set of feelings from the alcoholism, I don't think I really understand it yet.
Best of luck to you!
Hugs,
marci
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