Honshine

I'm starting to get a little down. Not as bad as it used to be but still. It's a sunshiny day. Kids are well. I'm decent but it's starting to nag at me and I can't help but wonder if this is what it's like for him. :/ Still love him. sadly. Even if I have to do it from a different standpoint. Starting to miss him. Just babbling I guess because I feel a little hopeless.

LexieCat

It's OK to feel down. Pretty normal at this stage, in fact.

Actually, this is what happens when alcoholics quit drinking. After the initial withdrawal symptoms (if they have any), they start to feel pretty good. After a few days, they start to feel that maybe they were a bit hasty in this giving up drinking thing, and really, they weren't so bad, maybe if they go back knowing what they think they now know, they can control it and everything will be OK. So they take a drink and *bam* right back where they started--or worse.

The same thing can happen to us when we break it off and go no-contact. At first it feels freeing, but then we start feeling a little sad or lonely, and we start second-guessing ourselves. So we pick up the phone, or type an email, send it, and *bam* right back where we started.

You gotta do the same thing an alcoholic does (if s/he wants to get sober)--ride out those uncomfortable feelings and wait for them to pass. Meantime, do something nice for yourself that you might not do if you were still with him. Rent movies he'd hate (but you love), cook a meal (or go out for one) that you love and he hated. That sort of thing.

It will pass, I promise, but it will pass a lot faster if you don't feed the addiction.

Honshine

I learned my lesson a while back that running back to him doesn't do anything but give him and inflated ego and control of the whole situation so I don't do that anymore. He came back this last time and actually wanted to change and to him in that moment I think he meant it. Alas. Here we are again. Im over caving in to him because he just takes advantage whether he means too or not. He seems to realize it a little more every time but dang the whole thing is just ignorant. I won't give in but at the same time unless all hope is truly lost I won't give up on him either. Just keep my distance for now. Do what I need to and get my life in order. I'm just kinda sad that here there really be some big @$$ dragons >_< it's never simple lol

maia1234

Great Comment LexieCat. Going NC is truly like an addict, stopping our addiction. I knew that but never put it in that perspective.

I had a terrible day with my XAH and that comment really does it home. NC is/was best. He has owed me money for 3 weeks now and I sent him an email that said I accept the fact he will never pay me and to have a good life. It all starts back up again.

Thanks for the booster, I need to abstain from my "addiction"!! Thanks Lexie!!!!!

FlippedRHalo

I went through exactly what Lexi just explained. Exactly!

There are still a few moments here and there, but I realize now that they're just me feeling a little lonely at times and aren't tied to our relationship. I was lonely when he was here. And, the thought of him walking back through my door and the h*ll I just went through is enough for me to know that no matter how bad the loneliness can get at times, nothing is worse than the thought of going back to him, having the same thing happen all over again and then having to re-do everything that I just did/went through for the past 9 weeks of being apart!

They are waves. Ride them out. Hard to do at the time, I know, but each time you do and make it through, you'll feel just a teeny bit stronger. Eventually, those tiny victories add up and you start feeling pretty darn strong! And those waves get smaller and smaller. I'm almost 10 weeks out and am now having a whole lot of those "WHAT WAS I THINKING" moments compared to the "OH MY GOD, WHAT AM I DOING, I LOVE HIM AND WANT HIM BACK" of the first weeks.

I'm kind of liking it here, too! NEVER thought those words would have EVER come out of my mouth 9 weeks ago. I felt like I was literally dying a slow painful death for a while there, but I made it and I'm soooooo happy I stuck with it! Things still aren't at the fantastic, so happy I'm single point, but I'm getting there and you will too!

Stay strong - you know exactly where going back will lead you.

Honshine

Meh. I know where going back will probably lead too. But sadly I am ever the optimist.

LexieCat

My exes owed me money, too, and I just mentally wrote it off. I think when we tell THEM stuff like that they take it as another demand (which, in a way, it is--why tell them that unless we are on some level hoping they'll say, "Oh, no, here's the money. I'm so sorry it took me so long to repay you--please forgive me").

Any time I started to feel taken advantage of, or resentful about the fact that that money was owed, I asked how much my peace of mind was really worth.

Honshine

That doesn't mean I'm going to chase him down. I'm not gonna beg. But when he starts feeling crappy but he does when he's actually willing to listen like he does. I'm just can lay it out straight. Because he has made progress. He has setbacks as well. My flame hasn't been put out just yet. It's tough. I roll with the punches ( not literally) and I do feel that there's hope for him. I just need to get to a place to where I can shield myself from that insanity. And not treat him like a spoiled princess (which I do if he is actually trying)

Honshine

LOL you guys are such strong people you really are

FlippedRHalo

Strong, maybe. Seeing my life going down the proverbial drain and not wanting my daughter to grow up like that was more likely the thing that pushed me over the edge with him.

The flame was still strong for a while, trust me! I had to basically drown myself to put that thing out!

Honshine

Well dang. I'm sorry you had to go thru that. To me it kinda feels like dying (or regenerating if ur into Dr who.... ;D. ) it blows. It's kinda interesting tho at the same time. How does this kind of stuff happen to us??? I told myself I'd never be with an alcoholic (my mom was one) and I told him that too when I first noticed that he reallllly LIKED to drink but here I am still. It's just weird, stepping back and looking at it, to be soooo.... Idk I guess gripped or ensnared by something so much that it robs the color from the whole world. In both situations. I don't really understand (even tho I'm in the middle of it) how I came to be so consumed with him that even thing else has halted. >_<