AnvilheadII

I doubt he'll get the message.

you can actually institute boundaries without saying a word to him. you just change YOUR behavior.
you don't wanna sleep with a drunk? don't.
you don't want to have sex with a drunk? don't.
you don't wanna buy more alcohol or go on beer runs? don't.
you don't wanna be around a drunk? don't. leave. or find a quiet place in the house.

you've HAD the TALK many many times, and all he hears is blah blah blah. because nothing changes. try making changes first. if nothing else you will build new skills.

Mimi9013

I've been trying to enforce my boundaries without saying anything, but I don't think he's making the connection with the alcohol. I think he thinks I just am being mean to HIM, instead of the real reason...I'm detaching from the alcohol. I agree about my wording though, making sure it says him. And the one about not being around active alcohol, I'm going to change to when he's drunk...for now. Because I want him to know I want to be with sober him.

LvWrAM123

I think it's a good letter, and you seem like you will better having communicated your boundaries. And being clear about "you" is good.

I think it is a natural progression to go from first having boundaries about not wanting to be around them when they are drinking to eventually having boundaries around not being willing to live with an active alcoholic/alcoholic who is not sober and working a recovery program.

Last word choice to consider is if you want to say "when you've been drinking" or "when you are drunk". IF, big if, he could socially have 2 beers at a party are you away with that? Of course, most alcoholics are not really capable of this. Or is the better boundary not being around him "if he has been drinking". The upside to this is that many alcoholics will be quick to argue that even if they have been drinking, that they are not drunk. Since the boundary is for you, what he says doesn't matter, but it is one more line of demarcation that you will want to be clear with yourself on. It's up to you. What do you prefer? What are you willing to enforce?

FeelingGreat

I think it's fair that you're spelling out the boundaries, and telling him also strengthens your resolve I hope. I'm a big fan of writing things down, especially for someone whose memory and judgement might be impaired.
Once you've made whatever amendments you've taken from the excellent advice here, be 100% immovable about sticking to them.
Do you have a plan for quarantining your money so he can't spend it on his wants?

ladyscribbler

He's not making the connection with alcohol because he doesn't want to. According to my ex, our problems were caused by literally everything in the world EXCEPT alcohol.
I left him because I got into a fight with his mom, not because I made a boundary about not living in a home with an active alcoholic. He ranted and raved that him getting sober was never "part of the conditions" when I returned from the temporary separation. It was always the only condition.
I tied myself in knots trying to spell things out with perfect clarity for him, but he wasn't ready to quit, so he invented his own loopholes and rewrote reality to suit his disease.
I understand feeling the need to do this for you, but keep your hopes in check.

Mimi9013

So I had the final draft all written and ready, and when I got home I had my notebooks on the table so I could give it to him. Well, I had to pause because our daughter spiked a high fever and was miserable, so I ended up just going to bed with her. My thinking, I am now home with her today and he gets off early, plenty of time today. He comes into the bedroom this morning(he hasn't had any beer for a few days, so I let him) and says he isn't going to drink anymore, and that he's been wanting to quit for awhile. I was a little confused but was like 'ok'. I guess he found the rough draft while we were looking for our DD's thermometer last night, so he got the long one that had arrows and stuff scratched out and everything. Oops.

I'm glad he found it, but like all of you on SR say, actions, actions, actions. And he was already quacking saying he didn't think he had health problems from drinking!!!! I was like 'really, puking blood, having excruciating back and stomach pain, and getting red all over your body because you can't metabolize the alcohol aren't health problems?!?!?!' And he said well I think I have an ulcer, and I asked, 'now how do you think that ulcer got there?' We will see what happens. I'm glad alanon is tonight!

FeelingGreat

Well Mimi, he saw the rough draft after all, free of all our careful suggestions! I'm horrified by the list of health problems though, and I hope he stops.

A bit off topic, but if he really does have a stomach ulcer he should seek treatment. They are caused by bacteria, and are easily cured with antibiotics. Obviously not helped by nightly doses of alcohol.

kudzujean

Well said!

Mimi9013

FeelingGreat- when he said he saw it, I was like whew! But then he started talking about the health and I was thinking great! Wrong letter! Another reason I think he might be quacking is because that letter(the one from the original post) had a lot of points about our DD deserving better and about money and other things, and the only thing he said was about him not having problems.

And I agree 100% he needs to go to the doctor ASAP. He always acts like he's invincible, and I call BS. I think he has some cirrhosis and maybe pancreatitis the way his stomach and back hurts. I've had liver problems, and it HURTS, and mine wasn't caused by drinking, so I'm sure that makes it worse. And he used to only get red when he drank whiskey, and he could get away with switching to beer. But now, he drinks so much beer that it's starting to make him red sometimes too. It's usually his face, chest, and back, and anything I found online said it was basically the liver can't metabolize the alcohol fast enough.

I hope he's not quacking, but time will tell, and I have my boundaries!!

FeelingGreat

I think they know that if they go to the doctor they'll be told to stop drinking.