spedteach

As some of you may remember, my AH is in early recovery. He was inpatient for 14 days in December, he's somewhere between 50-60 days in recovery. I don't know, I haven't counted and I don't plan to. He is working his AA program and I am working my own Alanon program along with seeing a therapist biweekly.

We've definitely had our ups and downs. They continue and one day, things seem good, the next day, things seem so off. One minute, he's the guy I fell in love with, the next day, he's almost like a complete stranger.

Lately, I feel as if I don't say or do anything right. How have others handled this? My reaction, right or wrong, has been that I'm becoming increasingly quiet around him. The other night, it was SO awkward between us. I mean, we've been together over 20 years and we don't often have times where we have nothing to say. So I said to him, just so you know, I feel like nothing I say or do is right, so that's why sometimes I'm just very quiet. (I am NOT a quiet person normally, I'm a chatterbox). He didn't respond, but nor did he speak to me the rest of the night..... The next day, he was fine. I really do not like feeling awkward and uncomfortable in my own home with my spouse.

Any suggestions on how to handle this? Ugh....

mfanch

In my house, since I was in early recovery from addiction and my hubby from codependency, we were told to disengage. NOT detach. Disengage from he-said-she-said, why-is-she/he-like-this, what-does-this-mean, how-should-I-respond.

We were cordial roommates for like 9 months. THEN, when we both had some recovery time under our belts and some tools to use, we entered marriage counseling and started to work on communication, etc. and looking at the foundation of our relationship.

That was 5 years ago and we are better than ever. We BOTH did a crap-ton of work, both individually and together, and it was WELL worth it.

brightdaysahead

No suggestions, but I wanted to let you know I found myself in a similar situation up until two weeks ago. My husband is in early recovery, too (attending AA meetings).

I became quiet and distant as well. It was kinda of strange in the house. But, I think we both needed time to sort through our thoughts and better understand this disease. Anyway, what helped me the most? My husband initiated two conversations in the past couple of weeks to discuss my emotions. That's unusual for him. That's usually my territory.

So far, we've had two "heart-to-heart" conversations. I was initially hesitant (again that's not like me). I knew our conversation would eventually lead to sensitive issues. Thankfully, we calmly talked about all my concerns and issues. He even wanted to know what my reaction would be to hypothetical scenarios such as future relapses. Hmm. Anyway, the conversations helped both of us a lot. The tension/distance (or whatever that was) is now gone. Thank goodness.

So, no suggestions except maybe a conversation sometime (when your husband seems more like his old self).

FireSprite

I can relate, definitely. My RAH was a secret drinker; he came out of the closet about it all literally hours before heading off to his first AA meeting. I felt kind of thrown into recovery myself, which I'm grateful for now. I just wasn't aware of what he was doing to himself..... I definitely knew we had marital problems, but no clue that it related to alcoholism. (we had been separated)

In early recovery I found my best bet was to give as much space between us as possible because I never had any clue what was going on on his side of the street & it was a new habit to stay on my own side- there was no way to gauge each day. Sometimes he was up-up-up & sometimes he was just down flat. (I wished we could separate again, for my benefit this time, but we just couldn't swing it financially any longer.)

I also learned the hard way about my expectations being set too high - I thought that things would get EASIER by default because we were no longer living in the crisis of active addiction. While we were no longer going down with the ship we were only hanging onto the life boat - not exactly rescued. Like you, after 20 yrs I felt like I was talking to a stranger.

I had quite a few Codie meltdowns myself & needed some time to adjust to all the little changes. I needed time to figure out how to interact with him again & he needed time to get off the roller coaster of early recovery & all it's pitfalls. I was just starting to deal with my damage - just starting to feel my anger, etc. & I had to take several self-imposed timeouts while I worked through a bunch of stuff.

spedteach

This time around, I haven't been codependent, I can proudly say I've kept to my side of the street while he was actively drinking, let him come to the conclusion he needed help all on his own and didn't/haven't interfered with him and his choices. I was setting boundaries and sticking to them. However, I am feeling my anger and resentment.

I'm trying hard not to expect anything and let him do his thing, but I also really have resentments that are just not addressed and I feel sort of like, it's supposed to be okay that I have been hurt and still struggle with my needs not being met. He told me today that things suck right now because he cannot focus on everything at once. And to be honest, I told him to take it one day at a time, but I wanted to say, you aren't focusing on anything but yourself right now so what's so hard about that? I DID NOT SAY THAT but wanted to because truthfully, I feel like that's the truth. LOL

This is the most selfish disease I have ever heard of.

Eddiebuckle

Sped,

As someone who was on the other side, in a relationship while in early recovery, I think much of what you are experiencing is normal. The emotional swings of an alcoholic initially are quite large and unpredictable. This is part of the healing that occurs in the central nervous system. One book I read really helped me to understand and accept this as a normal but temporary situation: Under the Influence, by Robert Millam. It's an $8 paperback that I found at Barnes & Noble. It is dated (mid 1980's I believe), but it is a good source of information on the entire process, from becoming addicted to what occurs in recovery. I highly recommend it!

FireSprite

Oh, I made MANY situations worse when I should have walked away, you're doing great!

It helped me to understand the physiological changes he was going through but at the same time I went through periods when I DIDN'T CARE. I was tired of thinking about how he was affected by everything when he hadn't even stopped yet to acknowledge my world of damage. I was tired of turning the other cheek, tired of my needs coming 2nd to his because I wasn't an addict.

Here's a post of mine from an older thread:

Eauchiche

I sometimes think I have it easier being away from my Alcoholic, who is not in recovery.

I have also heard of people who separated while both were in recovery, at least temporarily.

Lastly, I have met people in my AlAnon program who were total control freaks. I swore that to live with some of them would cause me to want to drink heavily. I am not saying this applies to you.
Good luck!

NYCDoglvr

He is in very early recovery and, even if he stays sober, won't feel comfortable in his own skin for a while. When one person quits drinking the dynamics of the relationship change and it sounds like you're experiencing that. Do you have expectations on what it would be like if he quit drinking? These can trip us up. I suggest increasing Alanon meetings and doing Step work.

spedteach

I do have expectations, I would be lying if I said I didn't. I think every person has expectations of others. I think that spouses have expectations of their spouses. I know HIS expectations of what I do or don't do have not changed at ALL. He still finds if perfectly fine that I do everything around the house, I manage our child's athletic schedule, including making sure he gets to and from practices fine. After all, he can ONLY focus on work and his recovery (his words) or he gets too overwhelmed.

I think the issue we are facing is that the dynamics of our relationship are NOT changing for the better....he's NOT being considerate of my needs and feelings...he's said that much to several people, myself and his sponsor included.

Some days, its easier than others to deal with and some days, it's hard as hell to deal with!

FireSprite-
You are dead on with what you wrote, I could have written that myself. Thank you so much for responding and helping me to see that what I'm feeling and thinking isn't just me!!!

SabrinaQ

Hello there.

My ex was addicted to opiates.

I think he started acting like a human at about 19 months sober.
(Our marriage didn't survive, though.)

You can only save yourself, so don't concentrate on him. You've probly done enough of that over the years.
If it works out, it works out.
Don't take his weirdness personally. Easier said than done, I know.

Take care now.

CodeJob

My RAH was not working when he returned from rehab. He went on a spree of catching up on house projects. He took on cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping and laundry too. He did get more involved with kid rearing too. Work kept his mind occupied. Work like that showed results! But if you look back at my posts, I wanted to fix our marriage and he was painting the basement floor...

He has a FTE job now and still helps or does most of the above.

You are going to have to speak up about re-dividing the work of daily life and having a kid. Two months out is probably a good time for that discussion too. I'd make a calendar spreadsheet of what chores you need help with and the frequency you want him to accomplish them. I'd include the kid running on there too and see if he can't step up. I'd be real about it, but not overwhelming. I'd be sure to squeegee those resentments out of your tone when you talk to him about it. Give him a chance to step up. And if he thinks he is above all of that sober, then be ready to push over the cost of hiring YOU help to do it ALL so you have time dedicated to YOUR recovery.

And just so you know, my marriage is still not 'fixed' at 21 months sober. RAH has a big problem with intimacy and stonewalling.

peace! call up a maid service and get a few quotes!

NYCDoglvr

What I meant was having expectations that he would become a different person once he put alcohol down? People do change in recovery but it takes a long time and lots of hard work. And have you talked to him about helping out around the house?

POAndrea

This was my experience too. I left my RAH after he had been sober for about ten months because the relationship did not improve. I struggled with the decision, because I believed it was my expectations that were wrong, rather than Himself's behaviors. It took me a bit of work to realize that it is NOT unreasonable to expect people (especially those who say they love you) to treat you with respect. It is not unreasonable to expect adults to recognize the connections between their actions and the consequences, and to take responsibility for them. It is not unreasonable to expect your spouse to put some thought into your happiness and well-being. It is not unreasonable to expect that person to actively avoid behaviors insulting or injurious to you. I read where "expectations" are a bad thing, but I don't believe that at all. In fact, I think reasonable ones are necessary to have healthy, productive, and mutually rewarding relationships. Trust is dependent on believing our expectations are going to be met, and trust is essential. Non-negotiable.

Himself had been very sick for several years, so I became very good at adjusting expectations so they were appropriate to his physical limitations. I thought it was my job to pick up the slack, and in some instances it was. It only became a problem when I just kept going as his drinking got out of control. I started accommodating more and more of the shortcomings caused by the alcoholism. Can't lift more than 20 pounds? Sure, I can keep the woodpile stocked. Can't drive because of the vision loss? No problem--I will drive you to your doctor's appointments. Passed out in the backyard late on a winter night? I will bring you back inside the house so you don't freeze to death. Can't manage all the medical, insurance, and financial issues because you're too drunk to speak? I got that too. You want to say the cruelest, vilest things I have ever heard in my life? I understand, it's just the alcohol talking. You like to punch me while I have groceries in my arms? Well, that's ok too because I've been hit harder. You can still do all those things because hey, at least you're not drinking any more? AND you want me to come over there and give you a kiss since now It Might Lead Somewhere? I guess I should be grateful that It's working now that you're sober. I told myself all kinds of stories to explain his behaviors. He just needs a little time to figure things out, how to be a decent human, much less a loving husband, again. I was turning myself inside out trying to adjust my expectations to accommodate his unreasonable behaviors, but I just couldn't see it.

All I knew is how angry I was, and it took me a long time for figure out I was just as mad at myself for writing him all these passes as I was at him for acting badly. But once I figured that out, I was able to set some boundaries and regain a healthy set of expectations. For myself as well. I consciously chose to identify and communicate some reasonable expectations for Himself, and then when he failed to meet those I left. At one time, I thought that the pain would never end. I honestly believed I was going to feel like that until the end of my life, and all I could see was day after day of unrelieved grief, anger, shame, and loneliness. But it's all different now. I almost feel guilty about how quickly my mental state improved. But I am so much better now, and I don't think that would ever have happened had I stayed with my husband, recovering or not.

spedteach

Gotcha- I see what you mean I suppose honestly, I do have expectations. I expect that the man he was just a year ago, before he started drinking again, would be working his way back to me. Instead, he's still so full of anger and rage, he's SO moody, passive aggressive, and I feel so awkward around him.

We have talked about him helping around the house, but he always goes back to me being a control freak and that's why he doesn't help. So, I have let dishes pile up, my carpet go 6 days without vacuuming it and a few other things to see what he'd do....he did NOTHING. I didn't ask him, but he did nothing. Now, he WILL bring the empty garbage can and recycling bin in at night and he did shovel last night. And whenever he does things, I always thank him and let him know it's appreciated. (got that from the book 5 Languages of Love, he's one who likes to feel valued so I try to do that.)

Thanks again everyone for the insight!