Just when you think you've healed
 

Broke up with my alcoholic ex-boyfriend 4 weeks ago. Last week, met a guy who is really nice and sweet and has his life together. We had both shared a very brief summary of our last relationship (he is recently divorced). We were supposed to get together Sunday, but I was sick, so he brought me homemade chicken soup. Yesterday he wanted to cook me the dinner he'd planned for Sunday, so I went over to his place. He cooked, so when we finished dinner I told him I'd do the dishes. There was water running and the dishwasher was clanging open, so when he said, "Ok, well if you want to do dishes then I'm not going to b----" all I caught was the last word. I knew that whatever he had said was accompanied by a smile, so he clearly wasn't directing the word AT me, but all I heard in my head were the words from my ex's last text to me, calling me a stupid b----. Somehow, I couldn't change the context of those words and they rang in my head for a few minutes. Later we were sitting on the couch kissing and he was joking about how women seem to fall for the wrong kind of guys. All of a sudden, it just triggered something inside me and I lost it. I could feel the isolation I felt when things were bad and I wanted to tell someone, but I couldn't because I was so embarrassed and didn't everyone to hate him or think I was weak. I could feel how badly I wanted to end it, but felt like I couldn't and how when I finally did it was as unpleasant as I'd worried about. All of a sudden I'm sitting there in a flood of tears and I can't even explain to him why because honestly I can barely understand it myself.

Poor guy, I don't think he knows what he's getting into. I honestly had no idea I still had that much emotion buried in me.

But he's different, right? Red flag.

I'm in the exact same situation as you... broke up about 4 weeks ago and recently started dating again. The new guy doesn't drink at all. As soon as the date was over, I came back to the house in hysterics... to be honest, I think we need more time to heal.

It's very confusing, cause these new men seem too perfect, so why are we still hanging onto the past?

Wish I had some advice, but just know I'm here with you in the same position<3

Assume for a moment you had never been with an Alcoholic. Or that they didn't exist.

There are still plenty of things that make a man the wrong choice. As a man I could say I have gone for the wrong person at least once in my life. And alcoholism wasn't a factor with that person.

Don't over think what the guy is saying. Many women I know complain about the sour luck they have had with guys. The same goes for the guys I know. However I also see these guys and what they stand for and actually feel like they have it coming to them a lot of the times.

I don't think he meant anything negative towards you when he said that.

Eh, I don't think he meant anything negative about HER, but I don't like guys that express negativity about women as a class of people. Especially on the first date!

To be fair, I actually think he kind of is. Is he perfect? No. But he didn't say it to put me or anyone else down. He actually was saying it to explain that he was so glad others had set the bar low because he feels like I'm way out of his league. I'm not sure if I see the red flag you are pointing out, but if you would explain more I'd be really grateful. Thanks :)

No, he definitely didn't. And if I had never been in my last relationship I would have laughed it off. I actually have a track record of dating nice, stable, take home to Mom kind of guys. My ex was not that.

It's hard when you realize how many things can trip your trigger. It will be a year that I have been separated in March. There are many things that still cause me to suck in my breath. It really does take time, and that is totally ok.

XXX

It just always feels like fake humility talk, fishing for compliments, testing me, even. In my dating history, someone who said this might mean I was getting into a relationship with somebody who was really insecure, or it might mean I was getting into it with someone who would see if I would take some digs.

Right off the bat? Date one? Calling women b------ and saying they only date jerks? He's got some stuff to deal with, IMO.

Just be smart! Date one doesn't mean you have to explain everything about your life to him. Maybe you're not ready yet. Maybe he isn't either.

I've been out of mine for years, sometimes it still feels like just yesterday.
Certain words make me cringe bigtime.

You broke up 4 weeks ago. You met him a week ago (3 weeks after breaking up). He seems really nice and together.

You had a melt down.

Well, duh! :)

You're moving too fast.

And not to put to fine a point on it, but what do you mean , "I don't think he knows what he's getting into."? He's not getting into anything... yet. It's too soon.

You're moving too fast.

Where did he call women b------? Did I miss something?

I think it's important to clarify. He didn't call me a b----. He said that if I wanted to do the dishes, he wouldn't b---- [about it]. All my brain heard was the last word, though, and I immediately flashed back to my ex's last text to me (calling me a stupid b----).

AAAAAAAAAAH, okay. I read that totally wrong. I'll shut up now, ignore me.

:c011: <--- Go Florence.

you don't HEAL in three weeks. you just barely stopped talking to your EX bf and are already starting up with a new guy. you don't see where that is moving too fast and NOT GIVING yourself time to heal?

a new guy can't fix the issues raised by the old guy. you haven't had any TIME to decompress, do any work on what the last relationship was about and now NEW guy is bringing soup to your home after a week??

way too fast hon. slow down.

When I came off my last relationship, one of the considerations in my deciding to take a nice long break from dating is the fact that, to be perfectly honest, I was lousy relationship material, myself. Just as we sometimes get annoyed by people who arrive into our lives with a ton of baggage, we should consider the feelings of those we inflict OUR baggage on.

That doesn't mean we are "damaged goods" and are forever saddled with the baggage, but we should at least give ourselves a chance to recover from the bad relationship we left so we aren't lugging it around inflicting it on other people.

In short, I think BOTH parties deserve someone who's not still grieving or carrying around the consequences of the last relationship.

hey there!

You know what I think? I think it's great that you are getting out there. I also think it is great that you RECOGNIZED that you are pretty beat up over this whole deal.
So while the "companionship" is AWESOME and I think you should enjoy this man, I think you need to have some serious expectations from yourself on NOT having ANY expectations from this new thing right now.

You need to HEAL. You need some time to digest the past with no regurgitations (he he).

Plus, heres the deal--- so you like this guy? I get that.

Do HIM a favor and take it SLOW. It's not fair to HIM to begin to like someone who may or may not be all that emotionally healthy. Just be fair to him. And be fair to YOU.

I'm sorry those words brought back those horrible feelings. It's just a big sign that you need to proceed with caution- not because of HIM or his words, but because YOU might not be ready yet. And if there is ANY possibility of you two later down the road- you don't want to blow it by not taking enough time to heal...

hope that makes sense. :)

I didn't expect to be healed. And I didn't expect anything of anyone I am dating at this point (and there are a few different guys I've been out with once or twice). I moved here literally two weeks before I met my ex and ended up dating him for almost 6 months. In that time I made some friends but he certainly interfered with my ability to do so at times. So after we broke up, I figured I had a choice. I could sit home and watch TV all winter, or I could get out there and meet people. I've been dating some but I've also joined an indoor recreational sports league and have been trying to say yes to as many plans as I possibly could with the small group of friends I have here.

Interestingly enough, I have never been the type of girl to even want to date for a LONG time after a breakup (a year for my last one before this!). I think this time I felt very "done" with the relationship in many ways before it ended. I guess I thought I was more ready to start dating again than I was.

I just think you're over thinking it.

R E L A X and enjoy finding a connection with anyone at levels that make you happy.

Oh ladies! I just broke up with my abf about two weeks ago, haven't spoken over the phone since the 14th? And I haven't seen him since just after Christmas....

I do NOT plan on dating again for a VERY loooooong time! Reason being is NOT because my heart still hurts over my ex and I am still grieving (which, my heart still hurts immensely and I most definitely am still grieving), but the MAIN reason is this: I am a codie. I fill up my voids with some weird delusion of being in love... having a man to fill a void... feeling like I can't do life on my own and so I need a partner... addiction to love... and so on and so on...

It's not that I haven't taken long periods of time for myself before after a break-up, but during the times when I healthfully made a conscious effort to be "alone", I did NOTHING to work on myself. And the other times after break-ups, I lept right into another man's arms, or back into my narcissist's arms (6/7 years of that crud!), or into empty beds with warm bodies...

THIS TIME IS DIFFERENT! I am determined to get it right this time. I have to be alone? Really? YES! I don't get a partner to do all of life's stuff with? NOPE. And I don't think this a final judgment or situation for myself, but I do think that I NEED to accept that. No more desperation. No more holes and voids in my soul. I am enough. And dag-nabitt, I will figure how to live by myself without trying to lose myself in a relationship.

Still, my abf is due home any day now from his "vacation" and has "vowed" to seek treatment of some sort when he gets back. In the back of my mind I imagine how wonderful it would be if he indeed did. But that's a whole year of no bf anyway, IF he does go get sober... And probably longer than that considering he has never tackled sobriety before. I am totally nervous about his return and I fear I will cave, though I have no intention of doing that. Either way, my plan is to be single for a very long time. I can flirt like crazy... But single is my objective. Good luck ladies! Your hearts will heal...