TerpGal

Ok, Uncle! I give up. I can't do this anymore. I am so full of anger I am exhausted by it. I can't take feeling like this anymore. Not another minute. I can't do "one day at a time" with my ptsd. It just doesn't work that way. I am not all through with that. Having the ptsd I have means being a step ahead of everything else so SOMETHING terrible doesn't happen to me.

I am so SO angry at RAH and angry at myself. Why couldn't I have just been a NORMAL PERSON? What horrific thing am I being punished for to deserve this? All I keep hearing is that it's ok to be angry, and that I am entitled to feel angry (mostly from T) but this is KILLING me. I can't do this anymore. This is such a terrible way to live. Being here with RAH, all I can do it be angry. This has totally derailed any sort of progress I am trying to make on my own. Leaving him is SCARY. I don't know. I am just so tired to being in this much pain. I can't even dissociate anymore to get rid of it. I'm far enough in therapy that I don't do that anymore but now I am just stuck in these awful feelings. I can't stand it anymore. It feels like my soul is going to supernova out of my body at any moment.

shelton40

I am so sorry you are in so much pain. Hugs

SparkleKitty

Terp, if you need space, you need it. You should not expect yourself to be superhuman. You can't live in crisis mode all the time. If getting out of the house for an indeterminate amount of time is what you need to get a break from all of this emotion and triggering, then it does you no good to deny it.

Time and space. The two things we usually need the most and are the least willing to give ourselves. Many hugs and lots of strength to see you through this.

lillamy

Big hugs, TerpGal. I don't know if you're on medication of any kind? I know that for me, antidepressants help with anger (because I may be a woman but somehow, I react like a dude -- depression = anger).

Yeah, anger can be helpful but when it's consuming you and making every day into a living hell, I think it's time to check if you could possibly get some medical help with it. Seriously.

freetosmile

I know those feelings just suck sooo bad. I really do know.

You want to leave, but your scared.
You want to stay, but your sick of it and pissed.

This is a weird thing that I have NEVER been able to explain to anyone- but I grew up very poor and very abused. Statistically speaking I should have NEVER made it to college. I was pregnant at 14, dropped out of school, took off from home, did drugs, the whole nine. Here is what I did with my anger. *please understand that I'm not saying I was healthy back in the day or am even close to healthy now- but here is how I handle my anger

My grandma always said "Free, the best revenge is living well." I'm sure she got that quote from somewhere, but to me- it came from grams.

So when I think about that and ALL the hurt and anger I feel- I MAKE A PLAN- a plan to better myself. Like for instance- when I was 20- my ex left and came back, left and came back...on and on. So I decided to go to nursing school. I JUST DID IT!! When ex would call me hideous and all that crap...I started working out. Now I'm not saying that other peoples words should MAKE you want to change..but honey if that's ALL you got right now-- I say USE IT! Use anger as the driving force to do better for YOU.

I know that sounds like a stupid idea, but even if you can't leave or therapy isn't doing what you want it to right now- take those feelings and DO something with them.

I'm NOT saying that we should get revenge on people. NO way- but it's a statement to PUSH you forward and DRIVE you.

If you can't find serenity right now, then find MOTIVATION- and maybe that anger will motivate you to push through and keep striving for the serenity.

I don't know if this helps or not, but it has helped me through a lot of rough times when I just was soooo pissed

TerpGal

I take lots of psych meds. A mood stabilizer, a benzo for anxiety, and the newest antidepressant on the market (Brintellix) because literally no other antidepressants work for me). I've been on sleeping pills before, antipsychotics, doses of antidepressants over the fda reccommended maximum.......yeah. meds and me are tricky. I honestly don't know how much farther I can go with meds. I don't have any other options for meds. My antidepressant is the newest one and only one of its kind. I've tried all classes. TCAs, SSRIs, SNRIs, the only class I have never tried are MAOIst but I don't think my doctor would trial me on those because of my blood pressure. I don't know what else to do.

I am too stuck in this anger and feeling overwhelmed to be motivated to do anything really. I just need a break. To turn off my brain for awhile and I just can't do that with RAH around.

freetosmile

Well then it kind of sounds like you KNOW what you need to do then.

lillamy

Well crap. And here I was, thinking maybe I had a great idea... *sigh*

It's rough when you're one of those people who don't react "normally" to medications.

So... are you feeling obligated to staying now that he's in recovery? As in "this is what I wanted all along, I can't leave now that I've gotten it even though I hate my life"?

hopeful4

Breathe my friend. Deep breaths.

I had to come to a place to realize that sometimes you have to remove the toxicity that is in your life before you can be well. Medicine did not help me either b/c it was not me that was the problem. I was trying to medicate to deal with my XAH, what I really needed was to be away from him.

You need space and that is totally and completely fine. You can do this. It's hard. You will get overwhelmed, but you can definitely do this.

Tight hugs and much love coming your way my friend!

Hangnbyathread

This might be an excellent time to consider the Serenity Prayer.

Accept the things you cannot change.

Let him and his life....go.

ShootingStar1

TerpGal, I hear you and I empathize.

What really helped me with the PTSD was being by myself and no-contact with my now ex husband. I understand that you are married, and perhaps committed to staying married.

You still can take some time living by yourself to get your stress levels down and your emotional and biological systems settled down and stabilized.

There are two book about healing from PTSD and trauma that I found to be insightful and extremely helpful.

The first is In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter A. Levine, PHD. This is a gem of a book, written by a man who knows the physiological aspects of trauma as well as he understands the emotional aspects.

The second is a new book called The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. A description of it says "In this inspirational work which seamlessly weaves keen clinical observation, neuroscience, historical analysis, the arts, and personal narrative, Dr. van der Kolk has created an authoritative uide to the effects of trauma, and pathways to recovery."

For me, when I first left my abusive husband, the miracle was the silence. I could just settle in to peace and quiet. No one yelled at me or called me names, no one made any demands on me, and I only talked to friends and family who were totally supportive. I had been permanently "on alert", hypervigilant and totally reactive to the threats that I perceived coming toward me and to the threats that came toward me. It was like putting a racuous and violent TV show on Mute. I gradually calmed down, over a period of 6 months to a year, and then I was able to truly start to recover.

You may not need that much time, but I do suggest finding a space and a period of time to just let your body and emotions chill out.

My best to you, PM me any time you want.

ShootingStar1