Jupiters

yup

Santa

After 20 years of marriage my ex was dating a week after he moved out. He even sent me her picture, actually trying to make me jealous. That poor woman is long gone, I felt sorry for her more than anything else. How would you like to be an addict's rebound relationship? No thank you.

Now pick yourself up off the floor and stop making your self worth all about this idiot's actions. Cope. Do it.

NYCDoglvr

Well shouldn't you tell friends not to show you this stuff? Alcoholics move from one enabler to another with indifferent speed.

kudzujean

"This too shall pass."

Best to you.

zoso77

Jodie...

Yes. He moves on that fast. I'm not going to sugarcoat it at all. I know the pain is unbearable, but listen to me very carefully.

This isn't about you. This is about him. In his condition, his moral compass has been disabled. The only thing he cares about is what he wants and what makes him feel good, and he doesn't give rat's arse who he hurts in the process. The pleasure center in his brain has taken over, and the chemical rush he feels when he's with someone new is, in a way, like taking drugs itself.

I know knowing this will not make you feel better. But if there's one thing I've learned about sick people, it's when someone shows you what they're all about, pay attention. He's showing you what he's about. And the dude is bad, bad news.

Hang in there.

Jupiters

absolutely.
That reminds me of a Maya Angelou quote which I am sure has been thrown around here before...but it is SO TRUE.
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them"

he is showing you who he is.
You need to go back and re-read your threads, try to remind yourself...you haven't lost a damn thing except a whole lotta stress and misery.

zee11

Hey he is not your problem anymore, he has not changed. He will treat her exactly how he treated you.

I was my xabf younger gf (I am 22, he`s 40), all the things he is going through courts with his ex wife he did exactly the same to be; emotional abuse/alcohol/drugs/aggressiveness. I am actually annoyed at myself for not getting out as soon as he told me how his previous relationship ended. He just used me to enable his behaviour and in the end I got really hurt.

The main point is you`ll be portrayed as the bad person, and when this woman eventually finds out the truth when he reveals her true colours she`ll run a mile. I know my ex is currently dating the fling he had during our relationship with a married woman who is unhappy with her marriage! I am grateful to be out, I feel sorry for.

Anyways just focus on yourself, he is what he is and will keep on destroying everything around him. Smile at the knowledge that you were strong enough to realise you deserve more. Be strong :-)

ShootingStar1

Jodie, we are all here for you and with you, so come here and share however you feel. The bad thing is that it hurts so d*mn much. The good thing is that you've escaped worse from him that you would have gotten if you had stayed, and you will heal and life will eventually be so much better for you than it would have been with him. That is true, and many of us here are proof of that.

Every inch of effort you put into healing will take you so much farther away from his sick mindset, much farther than you can imagine.

If you are seriously feeling suicidal, then please get help right now from real people who can physically help you.

Are you in the path of the blizzard or is Baltimore a little south of that? If you are, find somebody around you to be with you so you are not alone. I am concerned when you say you would rather be dead. Can you reassure us that that is a metaphor, not a thinking about taking action thing?

You have the power and guts within you to survive this, and to thrive. We believe in you.

Hugs,

ShootingStar1

freetosmile

Look at your SIG:

if the past calls, let it go to voicemail. Jodie...come on....you know this dude wasn't for you. You are just feeling sheer, raw rejection. If you dig deep..that is the feeling you are describing.

So...what are you going to do about it?

let it destroy you?
Let it OWN you?
Let it break you?
Let it fester in you?

....or let it go? learn from it? grow from it?
I don't have to tell you what the right choice is, you know. You know.

987g

You feel that way today, you'll feel that way tomorrow, you'll feel that way next week probably too. But one day you will wake up and you won't feel that way. It won't hurt as bad. In a year, a mere 365 days, it will hurt even less. In 2 years, it might still cross your mind every once and awhile but it won't be constant. And in 5 years, you will remember that time in your life but you will not be able to remember how bad it hurt. You won't remember all the little tiny details, it will seem like a very distant memory - as if it happened to someone else and not you. Time heals everything...but you gotta give time, time.

KristyCat

I want to frame this quote <3

It's similar to what my mom told me the first time I went through my first break-up. I try to remind myself of these things when I am going through a really hard time. I try to use mindfulness techniques where I think, right now the only reality I feel is what is happening to me at this very moment. And at this moment, I'm going to take a bubble bath and focus on the hot water and soothing my body. Or, eating some chocolate and watching a nice movie.

Tell yourself when you are feeling emotional pain, that it is just an emotion, it isn't a fact that will stay with you forever. Take steps to improve your moment, take care of yourself and distract yourself away from any negativity--like looking at these pictures.

Hope that made sense.

redatlanta

Oh Gosh I remember feeling like that….except I didn't want to die. I just couldn't go to work or go anywhere without crying constantly. It was bad….

All over a guy that failed to tell me he had a wife in another state a year after the fact. And then I begged him to leave her and stuck around humiliating myself. Awful days…..Then one day I got sick of crying and feeling bad and so god damn pissed off. So I found myself a good therapist and started doing something good for myself every day. It did not take long to be ok.

I ran into him last year 5 years later. He's a fat slob still miserably married, and I am a 10 who was so out of his league in the first place the only thing I thought when I saw him was "WTF was I thinking".

You have dodged a MAJOR bullet - dude is bad. Alcoholic, Abusive, Cheater.

ALCOHOLIC ABUSIVE CHEATER.

Someone up there really cares about you. (((Hugs))) for the hurt sweetheart. Stick around here we care about you and will help any way we can.

Jodie77

Thank you all. I'm sitting here blood shot eyes like a zombie. The pain is mind numbing and I feel so blind sided. It's insanity how quickly he was able to be in public kissing her and not giving a thought to how it would affect me.

This feels worse than my divorce.

Jodie77

I feel like our whole relationship was a lie. 5 years of a dream. Every time he told me he would spend the rest of his life with me he was lying. I am blind sided; I never saw this coming. I'm wracked with grief....unfathomable pain. Is he without conscience? And yes he is the same person who left his wife (with 3 babies) for a chick he met in Miami.

I never thought he would do this to me. Never in a million years. He always cried and begged for me back when I left. I'm humiliated seeing all of these pictures on FB and instagram and the entire community cheering them on and calling them love bugs, etc.

I literally feel like this is all just a dream.

suki44883

If you know he left a wife and 3 babies, why did you think he wouldn't do the same to you? It's his pattern. He leaves when he finds something he thinks is better. Obviously the one he met in Miami didn't work out or you'd never have been with him. You didn't work out, so he's moved on to someone else. He'll leave her at some point, too. It's what he does.

LexieCat

Sick people hurt other people. It's what they DO.

I think what really ticks us off is we feel had--like a fool. Well, some people are really, really good at fooling other people. Look at all the people Bernie Madoff fooled. Smart people get taken in all the time. And usually they are people who WANTED so badly to believe.

It's OK, we've all been there. You are NOT a fool. You WILL get over this. He isn't worth your agonizing over. Some lessons in life are hard-earned. I went straight from one alcoholic marriage (he was recovered when we got married, and stayed that way, but I was around for plenty of insanity before that) to another. And the second one I married even when there were all kinds of red flags that he had already relapsed by then. Did I feel dumb? Sure did. I felt incredibly sad, too. But I healed from it.

Hugs, this awful feeling WILL pass.

zoso77

There's a different way you can look at it, if you so choose.

You can look at those pictures that are out there as the final, unequivocal evidence that he's a) not worth your time, and b) like most in active addiction, he's got the self awareness of a flea.

As far as the "online community" goes, my (purely subjective) opinion is the majority of them couldn't give plankton a run for their money in terms of intellectual firepower.

In other words, f**k 'em. People have the right to be wrong and misinformed, and there aren't enough hours in the day to educate them.

You'll nurse this wound for a while. Don't feel sorry for yourself for too long, Jodie. If anything, you should be thankful that he's shown you without doubt he is bereft of character. This is what Ann calls a "strangely wrapped gift".

Hang in there.

redatlanta

One day you will get it because you don't yet.

He will do anything to protect his addiction. Its all he cares about. That is why there is an ex wife, an ex miami, an ex you. Ain't nobody getting in between him and his DOC.

Once you accept that it will make this a whole lot easier.

FeelingGreat

Jodie, I can imagine how completely devastated you feel, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. You are the one with family responsibilities, doing the right thing so hold your head up high and carry on. Some of the greatest people in history, most in fact, have overcome terrible personal pain and triumphed.
When I was in the worst pain of my life, the first thing I did was find help from a counsellor. I also had a family doctor who kept an eye on me and who I could talk to. Please reach out to whatever resources you can find and afford. Do the small things; you won't feel different for a while but it will pay off. One day you'll realise you're feeling much better.
As for his friends 'liking' his photos, everyone knows what he's doing and don't think for a moment they respect it.

Jodie77

A few months ago he texted me he would die without me.

Now this.