LemonGirl

So my recent xabf has been gone in another state for about a week on vacation. He is visiting old friends before he gets deployed this year in April. I haven't seen him since Christmas, and we have only spoken a few times over the phone since then. One involved him crying and broken and promising resolve when he gets back home. So.........
I texted him a bit. He let me know when he got to his destination at 2AM (I left my phone on on purpose for that one), and we said goodnight. Now up until this vacation he had been texting me at least once a day. And now, I haven't heard from him. I never went NC, BTW... hasn't been necessary.

Here are my small victories. First, him NOT texting or calling me has been nerve wracking! I have fought against my codie behavior to reach out to him and so far I am winning that battle! I am still obsessing over my phone a bit, but I am actively leaving it in another room or shutting off the volume.
Then, he texts me once, last Friday. It said, "this was me back in the day!" And it sounds like there should have been a pic, but I got none. Now, my phone is known not to receive messages; cheap phone plan. But, I chose not to respond. In my mind I felt like, 'really? I don't hear from you all week and this is how you reach out? Yeah... not my idea of you missing me and wanting a 'sober life with me and our girls... try again.' (My two daughters and his one daughter; we have no kids together). Harsh maybe? But empowering! And I haven't heard anything else from him.
Then, I decided to start cleaning house. I had already packed up most of his things to give back to him, but in my daughter's closet he had a bunch of his daughter's clothes still. They're too small for either of our girls. I packed them up and felt the need to text him "do you want me to just donate these clothes or do you want them back?" Valid right? NO!!! It is just my codie brain trying to talk to him.... about anything, AND to "do" something for him that is his responsibility and not mine! So I just bagged it up and plan on giving it to him; it's his to deal with.
Then, I took his pillow case off of my pillow. It has a black stain on it from when his gun accidentally fired off back in November. At first, I kept it because it "didn't bother me". Then I kept it to give me fuel for reasons to breakup. And now, I am ready to let it go.
Lastly, I talked to my youngest about the breakup so she could better understand. I told her, "Do you know why mommy didn't marry him? Because me and you and your sister are like gold, or diamonds and we deserve to be treated like special treasure. And he just wasn't making choices that were good for us....." I told her, "He was close but he just didn't do the right thing. Maybe some day he will, but we deserve better and it is okay that our family is just mommy and her and sissy."
I took this awful experience and turned it into a teaching moment for my impressionable daughter(s)! She gets to see mommy say 'NO! This isn't what I want and it's not what I deserve'

Anyway, small victories add up! I feel good! Long post.... sorry... lol. I am so grateful to be able to share!

Refiner

This was him "fishing".

Regardless... YAY YOU!!! What a great post and you're doing all the right things for YOU and your kids, that's for sure... stay strong and keep on keeping on! :-)

Katchie

I'm not sure these are small victories. To me, any time we move to do ANYTHING differently than what we have been doing with your A's that is in the positive for us and our family, I'd say that is a pretty BIG victory!

Good for you talking to your kids straight. I know that's hard to do, but I know for mine their trust in me has been raised in a big way.

HollyC88

You know I'm soooo proud of you. I still dread looking at my phone in the morning.... But everyday I don't hear from him or I don't reach out I know it's a step in the right direction.

Keep going girl