LexieCat

Well, they know they have a mom to count on if the floor DOES fall out. You can't protect them from every hurt and worry, but the bottom line is that they do have one adult looking out for them.

Hope school's going well.

Seren

Wow, freetosmile! I think you have been handling this really well. I was taught one technique for a similar situation (with ex-husband that I never got to try). So bear in mind, this is untested advice!!!!

If you are feeling generous, you could say that you notice something seems to be bothering him. If he would like to talk about it at some point, you would be willing to listen.

And then leave it alone and go on about your evening in peace.

amy55

The Silent Treatment and Passive Aggressive Behavior.

One of the worst things that someone can do for another. I can see and understand when someone says, there's something bothering but I can't talk about it right now, can we talk later, or I just need to work something out for myself. That's not what this is. It is taking total control over someone, because the person on the other end of this is just looking for a resolution, and there will not be a resolution.

It could be a form of punishment. or
It could be that a war is already forming in their head and the volcano is about to erupt, and you don't want to be there for that.

It is all about CONTROL.

This was most of my marriage. I always tended to give in just to keep the peace.

I did learn for during this period of time, DO NOT JADE.

J = justify
A = Argue
D = Defend
E = Explain

If you have ever been in these battles, you will realize quickly that if you Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain, any and all of that will be used against you. Do not ever use the words, "Well I was just......." When the war begins remember, the war in their head began a long time before you got involved. They had already been playing the war out in their own head and everything is your fault.

You were already tried and convicted........

Can try, "I'm sorry you feel that way", then stop, don't use the word "but", as in "but I called you to let you know". That's fuel for the fire.

Now I don't know your H, and I don't know much about the way your fights went. Mine went in circles. Me justifying, arguing, explaining, and defending. All of this put him on the attack, because I was (in his mind) the one in the wrong, who was now trying to tell him that he got it all wrong.

I hope this made sense.

(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy

freetosmile

You said it Miss Amy. That is ALL our arguments consist of. I was JADEing constantly. You gave me the JADE tip several months ago, and I have tried to follow it. I even spoke to my T about it and she said it was a GREAT mnemonic....

BUT (he he)....I will need to put this back to work again. Because once again, I'm getting the silent treatment. I did try to embrace him tonight and he was VERY robotic about it. (this is coming from a man who LOVES to hug, snuggle, blah blah) So I KNOW he is trying to "test" me or something. Or trying to make me poke at him or trying to get ME upset because HE is upset... I don't know WHAT he is trying to do....but I'm just not engaging.

So good to see you on my thread. Thanks soooo much!

HUGS

amy55

He could also be trying to use the push/pull act on you. He pushes you away, you want closeness or a resolution. He wins and gets his way.

He probably really wants a drink, but he knows you won't allow it, so he may be pushing for one of these fights, so he can go out to drink, or so that you will allow him to drink.

Remember, you are not in this war, the war is in his head.

amy

freetosmile

I agree that he really wants a drink, I can SEE it written all over his face.....but he didn't make a meeting today and hasn't been to one since last week. But like I've been told- He knows what he needs to do and if he isn't, then....well he isn't. I haven't breathed a WORD about it and I won't either.

Secretly inside I'm nervous about it, but I really feel like God is taking this ship over and I'm following that. I NEED to. Because if I keep sailing this damn thing, it will sink for sure...hell I live in Nebraska.....the only "ship" I've seen is in the movies.

amy55

Can I first tell you how I so much admire your strength. You are amazing. When you want something, you go right out there and you get it. You want a better life, and I am really d@mn sure you will get that, you deserve it. I would also like to thank you again for your poems. It was like reading my inner soul and you didn't know me.

I think you are doing terrific !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's ok to feel nervous. This is a new you. The "you" that I could see in your writings here. I told you that I would always be with you, and I meant it.

Ok, with starting to feel nervous, do you have that back up plan in case you need it?

No more "walking on eggshells" for you. OK

((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))
amy

freetosmile

Back up plan, for SURE in place.

I know I won't ALWAYS feel as strong, confident, and happy as I do today, but for TODAY I'm just grateful for it. It's so nice to have happy days. Nothing new happened, no good news or anything...I'm just happy today.

I've successfully stayed out of his "stuff" today and did not JADE or engage really at all. I'm ok with that.

Thanks Amy

knowthetriggers

You might not always feel this way but when you do not feel strong you will know what to do to get that feeling back because you have been there!

Hope that makes sense because it did when I said it out loud but kinda reads funny!

Take care of you!!