I spent some time with him tonight
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
Hi Katchie,
I would be irritated too. You just got a double whamy! No wait... Triple! First, he slyly compares your marriage to others with the idea that BOTH parties are responsible for the brokenness. Second, he dumps on you and guilts you with the "I'm lonely" bit. And third, now you have to write a love letter? Ummm... no.
The way I see it is this: that men's retreat can't even begin to do a bit of good for him or you or your relationship until HE starts working recovery FIRST. There is nothing more pertinent than that. Not the retreat, not who should carry the blame for what in the marriage, and not his loneliness. In fact, even the "issues" in your marriage have no weight right now because there is a bigger problem that needs to be addressed right now. And it is up to him! Furthermore, while the "loneliness" IS a part of him working recovery, not one of these problems (loneliness, dumping, and love letter) are anything YOU should be dealing with in your recovery. It is his loneliness (just another life circumstance he needs to learn to deal with without alcohol). It is his stress and he should be dumping in a meeting. And this love letter thing... shouldn't even be happening right now. Sounds like a huge rouse for him to draw out of you some love and sympathy.
Send him an old letter you may have written, or maybe a picture of a time when you were both happy and he was sober... sorry, I don't know your history with him.
I would be irritated too. You just got a double whamy! No wait... Triple! First, he slyly compares your marriage to others with the idea that BOTH parties are responsible for the brokenness. Second, he dumps on you and guilts you with the "I'm lonely" bit. And third, now you have to write a love letter? Ummm... no.
The way I see it is this: that men's retreat can't even begin to do a bit of good for him or you or your relationship until HE starts working recovery FIRST. There is nothing more pertinent than that. Not the retreat, not who should carry the blame for what in the marriage, and not his loneliness. In fact, even the "issues" in your marriage have no weight right now because there is a bigger problem that needs to be addressed right now. And it is up to him! Furthermore, while the "loneliness" IS a part of him working recovery, not one of these problems (loneliness, dumping, and love letter) are anything YOU should be dealing with in your recovery. It is his loneliness (just another life circumstance he needs to learn to deal with without alcohol). It is his stress and he should be dumping in a meeting. And this love letter thing... shouldn't even be happening right now. Sounds like a huge rouse for him to draw out of you some love and sympathy.
Send him an old letter you may have written, or maybe a picture of a time when you were both happy and he was sober... sorry, I don't know your history with him.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by Katchie 
Then he proceeds to tell me that he isn't having difficulties abstaining from alcohol during the day, it's only at night when he is in his hotel and he gets so lonely. He misses us so much; he loves me and misses me and the boys. This is when it gets so hard to not drink.
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