freetosmile

So I'm going on day two now where RAH is engaging in "limited communication". Passing me in the house silently, one word responses, no body contact, etc.

I have a REALLY hard time not allowing this effect MY behavior. I'm getting angry. I've asked if there is something wrong and of course "no". Obviously that isn't the case. He didn't go to any meetings this weekend and has not cracked open a book (big book, daily reflections, etc) since we've been back from rehab.....but that is not really my reason for posting.

I just want to know how other people deal with this behavior and how to they interact with the passive aggressive person. Do you deal the same silent treatment back to them, act normal and happy, confrontational, or what? I have ALWAYS struggled with this....

redatlanta

So clearly something is wrong you have asked and he has responded no.

So let it go. Ignore it. Go on with your day. Who knows what its all about - he is newly sober could be that. Could be a myriad of things.

Hammer

DO NOT worry about HIM.

Take Care of YOU.

Typically it takes 6 months or more for *them* to stabilize and then you will start to see what you will get.

Hard to say this early on, but the three general outcomes from Rehab:

(Probably in order of Worst to Best)

1. Relapse.

2. Dry Drunk (not Drinking but not working the Program) Not unusual if a Mental Illness is Present.

3. Works the Program -- comes out a better person than you even remember.

==========

#3 is the Outcome *we* all want.

However . . . #3 is NOT the Outcome Most of *us* get.

Just the way the cookie crumbles -- Not a whole of Cause, Cure, nor Control you can do about any of that.

What YOU can do is: Work On You. Program. Meetings. Steps. Help Others.

YOU can come out fine no matter which way the tree falls . . . or the A goes, as it were.

===========

Just FYI.

Dry Drunk Syndrome | Alcohol Rehab

Are You Living with a Dry Drunk? | Family Recovery Solutions

What Is Dry Drunk Syndrome?

Urban Dictionary: Dry Drunk

freetosmile

True...letting it go would be the most logical solution...but not exactly the most easiest!

I guess, IMO if there is something bothering ME: I will not be so "obviously upset" around others if I was just going to tell them nothing was wrong. If I didn't want to talk about it, I would try to just say that....

But you guys are right...it just irritates me and upsets my balance. I know it SHOULDN'T but it does...

I will work harder on just ignoring it. I mean I HAVE so far...but only retorted with the silent treatment to him. Which I don't think that is healthy either. So now we are BOTH giving each other the silent treatment. I don't like that.

knowthetriggers

Well I used to pester the neck out of mine and guess where that got me....NO WHERE! Like the two posters before me mentioned .

Move on with your day and take care of YOU.

LexieCat

Well, you aren't exactly giving him the silent treatment, you are just refraining from trying to communicate with a brick wall. Every time you try to talk to him, or ask him what's wrong, he gets another shot at making whatever point he's trying to make.

Moodiness DOES go along with early sobriety, but it doesn't sound like he's exactly diving headfirst into recovery. Plus it has always seemed to me like he has other issues besides alcoholism.

If he does decide to talk with you, and you ignore him then, then you would be giving him the silent treatment. But simply refraining from trying to engage him when he's not willing to engage isn't.

kj3880

Actually, in the long run, it IS the easiest! It's just not what you're used to doing, so it feels weird to you! But it's a lot easier than trying to second guess his every move. If you get caught up in your own life, you won't know whether he's opened his big book or not. You'll be too busy with your own books and step work to tell! For awhile, you may need to "act as if" you feel it's normal to just "do you" while he's muttering under his breath, giving angry one-word answers, etc. But it's much harder to try to control something you have no control over...another person!

freetosmile

Oh that makes perfect sense to me and clears up the question about MY behavior. Thanks so much...and yes, I think I am in alignment with you on his abusive crap.

And yes, maybe it IS easier to just let it go. UGH....I just hate that unsettled vibe that floats around the house when he is like this.

I am going to get better at this. I am trying to be understanding with his early recovery. I am curious about why he isn't attending meetings on the weekend or why he isn't meditating daily...but I haven't asked him a damn thing about it. And I won't.

I am still meditating, I am still going to meetings, and I am still ok. I guess that's all that matters.

Thanks for helping me clear this one up. I feel better already

NYCDoglvr

What about YOU going to Alanon and working on recovery? There's nothing you can say or do that will change the person he is.

AnvilheadII

try your best to just carry on, don't CHANGE to try to fit around him and his moods. I realize this is easier said than done. just do your thing, don't be afraid to speak to him.....stuff like, i'm doing chicken fajitas tonite if you want some, about six sound ok? (he may then reply yes, no, etc). resist the "are you ok? is there anything I can do? are you upset with me? questions. he is fully capable of telling you want is on his mind IF HE CHOOSES. try to avoid tit for tat. don't MIMIC his actions. stay true to yourself.

freetosmile

Oh I like this too...thanks for the examples. I needed them because that is JUST the interchange I've been having. So at least I know I'm on the right track.

On another note....Anvilhead....mind if I come over for dinner?..chicken fajitas sound awesome.

Thanks

Tiredwife88

I'm so glad you posted this, freetosmile! This is one of my hundreds of questions.
And it has been answered, thank you.

This is very hard for me to "get" too. That's why I keep coming here more and more. You all know just what to say!

My RH has been home for a week and it's been up and down. Much better now than the first 2 days thankfully. But he's still so very moody sometimes. I'm glad the hear that this is common. If there is an end in sight, I can deal with it. (sort of like getting the flu).
I feel like you do - I hate the bad vibes when he's moody.
I'm going to take all this advice for freetosmile and use it too.

dandylion

Freetosmile....the only thing I know to do is just to stay as occupied and detached as you possibly can.
I have been around this kind of behavior, before, and you describe it right--like an unsettled "vibe" that floats around the house. It is definitely uncomfortable..so that is why I say to just stay our of his way as much as possible. He is in the living room--you go the the bedroom to study. He is in the kitchen--go and caulk the bathtub (LOL). This is to protect you from his vibe.
I doubt that this will last for long.....something will have to give, one way or another.

I am sorry that he is being such a pain.

dandylion

freetosmile

You MUST be psychic..because that is exactly where we both have been all day ( and I HAVE actually been studying!!) besides cleaning the house at which he didn't speak a single word to me. Thanks for this dandy.

kudzujean

Sorry he is being such a pain in the derriere.

Silent treatment is definitely a form of abuse.

Best to you!

schnappi99

Being a big passive-aggressive myself, if my chosen target obviously doesn't care about the silent treatment then it takes a lot of the wind out of the sails. Seeing the target stressed by the treatment confirms to me its working and I have my payback. Its also difficult for the passive-aggressor to learn new habits. I don't mean that as a sympathy play, we have to learn to act differently too.

thousandwords53

Another thumbs up to this post and the input from everyone. I am also here with this as question number 1,659 lol.

hopeful4

I have certain situations when I have to be around my X. Church yesterday was an example. I realize he is my X, but he is the father of my children. Sometimes he is friendly. Sometimes he grunts out a hello. Other times he does not speak to me at all. I still act the same, all the time. My kids see that. They told me this yesterday. My eldest DD told me that her dad treats me different all the time and I am the same to him all the time.

It's hard. It makes me mad. I want to slap him sometimes honestly. However, in the long run, I think before I speak and try to remember that engaging in that type of behavior will hurt one person, me.

I know it's a bit different b/c you are together and we are not, but I really do think it's the same concept. And I feel more grounded and together b/c I am not the one with my mood changing all over the place.

XXX

dandylion

Yes, hopeful...I think your approach is laudable...especially your example as the stable one in front of your children. Kids need that.

And, I can see that it is an AWFULLY hard thing to do when you are under the same roof (like FTS) and he is over your shoulder every minute. In a home the "silent treatment" can feel like toxic fumes in the air.
My parents would pull that on each other, sometimes, and it was just HORRIBLE!

dandylion

hopeful4

Oh Dandy, I definitely agree. The pressure to actually have to LIVE in that environment is huge. I don't mean to minimize it at all, and hope it did not come off that way.

Free, just trying to let you know I am here and that I understand what's going on and how hard it is. I lived that way for a long time too, it was God awful.

Tight, tight hugs!