Honshine

Hello I'm not here to cry or beg for solutions. I posted here a few times when I was at the peak of my problems but now I'm just kind of needing some form of reassurance on my actions. My lovely AH came back about five months ago wanting to change said all these pretty things knew he had a problem wanted to make it all up. So I took him back I been working very hard everything was good until about three months and he started to get a little edgy but he was still in control. About a week ago he decides that he can't feel anything anymore and doesn't think he loves me. I cry a little whatever then I noticed this is how he acts when he's about to go off the deep end. Then he stole money from me twice to buy alcohol which is crappy but I said nothing because I know how he is so I waited well yesterday I had to call in because I am horribly sick he had been drinking all day, And I still said nothing because I just don't want to argue and he'll end up blaming me for something. So around 9 o'clock he decides that he's just going to take off I told him that I thought it wasvery inconsiderate and I don't like the idea well then he starts dictating to me that it is going to happen he just wants to hang out with his friends he's not trying to screw me over yada yada. Then he asked me to buy him $20 worth of liquor so that he can take off and hang out. I stayed very calm and told him if he wants to go he can go but I'm not buying him alcohol. He begged me for 30 minutes to give him 20 bucks. I was still rocksolid and said no, zero emotion about it. Then he proceeds to throw the biggest tantrum. Wouldn't give me my other phone trying to steal my grandma's car talking crap in the backyard on the phone as loud as he could and it was certifiably crazy. It eventually I just told him if this was going to be that big of a deal you can just take your stuff and go. He called his mom who enables him hard-core and begged her to come get him. I did not say a word the whole time I even guided her down here and I really think I'm not sure but I think he was trying to make me sad on purpose (he asked me how I felt at home point and then when he left he tried to hug me, as if) and when I wasn't he was like totally confused I don't know. I'm not distraughti'm gonna be okay I've got everything all he has is alcohol and emptiness I just hope I did everything like I was supposed to.

thousandwords53

To me it sounds like you did great. I need to take a lesson from your post, lol. Your suspicions of him trying to get a reaction or sympathy from you are probably correct.

chicory

You put up some pretty good boundaries there, girl, and good for you. I am sorry that he relapsed... I hope he gets it together.

stay strong and protect yourself.

Honshine

Thanks I think. I know there's just no making sense of the insanity and it's not my fault and problem but the thought process just alludes me. I don't get it. We also have 3 kids. Of which I can take care of just fine. I do love him, but this isn't him and if someone is low enough to steal from you when they practically have wanted for nothing, that's ridiculous. I'm trying to stay positive I don't have to deal with the heartache that he causes when he gets like this. And I don't have to deal with his drunk family or his miserable moping pity parties but idk... It wasn't supposed to be this way. And it's a sad situation to see someone u love be controlled by a compulsion so much that it changes who they are (or who u thought they were) so completely. I know this may sound bad but I do hope he is miserable and regrets this a lot so maybe one day he will realize he need some serious help, Because me catering to him trying to make him happy isn't doing anything

chicory

I am sorry Honshine. It must hurt deeply.

chic

CodeJob

You are right Honshine. A relationship is not supposed to be this way. Peace to you!

SeriousKarma

Yep.

I'm sorry, Honshine. I know how much this hurts, but you did good. ((((((hugs))))))

Honshine

Thanks alot. Its nice to have a place where people understand. It does hurt yes but not as much as it used too. Before I used to wonder why he did these things and surely it must be that im not good enough and its taken alot of heartbreak and tears (and alot of talking but not listening) to get here. Im sad but knowing how he is theres nothing I can do. I cant stop it and even if I tried it would still end up the same. We've been together for three years and I still love him and id like to think that somewhere deep down he is a beautiful person and doesnt mean to hurt anyone, but he does and its not acceptable.

Honshine

I have a question though he's always throwing up the fact that I'm controlling in my face. I honestly don't think I'm control. I could be wrong but I've been reading that codependents are known for being controlling to an extent. No is it really controlling to not buy alcohol for an alcoholic? Because that's what he threw up in my face. Controlling this controlling that. I have tried to control the alcohol in the past when I thought it was my fault.but now I except the fact that the alcohol cannot be controlled by me. So is it really controlling have expectations? I guess basically what I'm asking is what constitutes a controlling problem because I have no idea what I'm doing here I'm just going off everything I've read and all the research I've done.

Honshine

X that last post idk how to delete it. but I found it so nvm. And by expectations I meant not running a much stealing money. So boundaries pretty much. Got it.

LexieCat

Not buying alcohol for him isn't controlling. Holding onto all of the money and putting him on an allowance so he doesn't have his own money to spend on alcohol would be controlling.

And expectations are always a problem in dealing with an alcoholic. Sounds to me as if you're confusing "standards of acceptable behavior" with "expectations." It's fine to have standards of what you will put up with or tolerate. Expectations, though, are unrealistic, and will cause you to feel disappointed and let down and resentful over and over again. If you know he is prone to stealing money, why would you "expect" anything different? You would be better served by protecting your money from being stolen, or if that isn't possible, removing yourself from the relationship.

See the difference? You can accept the FACT that he steals, without approving of it or allowing it. It doesn't mean it's OK, by any means. But it is who he is, and as long as you're with him, the stealing will be likely to happen. If all you do about it is continue to hope and expect he will behave differently, you are only frustrating yourself.

Hawkeye13

Remember to change the locks or he may come and steal more while you're at work.

It happens pretty frequently and I'm assuming he still has a key?

I think you did a great job, by the way, Honshine.

NYCDoglvr

What a tough situation but I think you did the right thing in the best way possible.

Honshine

Thank you so so much. And yes I'm very confused that's why I came back here. And is never stolen before this is the first time use lead it's stoop to that level. But my main confusion lied and I don't know how to enforce batteries how to not except unacceptable behavior because when I'm in the situation I feel bulldoged into a corner. And when he's blaming it on me I'm not sure who's right in the situation because I'm constantly trying to make sure I'm not being unfair unrealistic controlling or irrational. But yesI see the difference of what you said and thank you because of some of the information that I was looking for I don't know how I'm supposed to react or act rather.

Honshine

And no he doesn't have a key. Not a car or a job. Ive been working and keeping everything in order so he could chill and work on himself buuuut kinda didn't work out that way. But I just need to know differences. Why are you supposed to show zero emotion? What defines not accepting unacceptable behavior I'm ready to do the things I need too but I'm confused on what's the correct series of actions and what's being controlling and irrational/damaging

Refiner

I think you're doing GREAT, Honshine. Are you working a program to learn the tools yourself? You not giving him $ for alcohol (or actually buying it FOR him, geesh) is in NO WAY controlling. You've set some firm boundaries and he's like a toddler throwing a tantrum bc he's not getting his way. Stay firm with your boundaries and the no emotion thing is to just keep on your side of the street. He's trying to stir you up and get you on HIS side of the street. Sounds like his enabling family will be perfect for him at this point of him not wanting to get better. Stay strong...

Honshine

No. Don't really have access to one at the moment so I've just been educating myself on both alcoholism and codependency for a few years now. Only recently have I been able to actually apply the logic. None of it makes sense when you're in the middle of the storm and just want it to stop at any cost. It's been a rough road but a road nonetheless. Its just something's I still don't get but I'm still learning. It's day 3 since he took off and I'm still doing quite well. Only cried once for 2 minutes vs. days on end and it's not even as much of a burden. Since he probably won't be happy no matter what he does.

knowthetriggers

Sounds to me like you are doing good. It's tough no doubt but you have stood strong.