bonbon

So the beauty is that I know I am being manipulated, whereas before with my x-A I allowed it to go on for quite sometime before realizing what I was involved with. So there has been a big underlying guilt trip about my vacation I was on, and he is telling me that ever since I came back home I am not answering questions like I used to, its I dont know, or maybe or something like that. It just still keeps impressing to me how unhealthy the marriage is. So I am working through all the issues I am having about why I clung to this and wanted it. First being the fact that before the weight loss my self esteem was still low, and I wasn't paying attention to that until now. I have had a glimpse of healthy relationships and how things can be really good. Clinging to dysfunctional relationships, I was thinking this morning on my way to work, dysfunctional is all I have known the past 10 years of my life, when I was with my A. So quite naturally I am still seeking it. What I am trying to do now, one step at a time get out of it. I've been working on me, really hard at that, so the first step for me is exactly what I have been doing, I had that vacation I so deeply needed, now I want to begin disconnecting, hes seeing that I know. But the manipulation is there and that is hard to steer from when I am so use to succuming to it. Got to stay swimming ahead of that.

Just some thoughts..

Love you guys!

Gabe

Hey Bonbon,
Awareness is the first step in changing a behavior. And it sounds like you are well aware of what you want to move on from. I think your progress is stunning. Maybe I'm amazed.
Hugs,
Gabe

Magichappens

bonbon,
We can't feel guilty that we choose to live life to the best of our ability. If someone else doesn't want us too, that is their problem. I can only be manipulated if I allow it. The more I know myself, the less I am suseptable to others manipulation. You are finding yourself. The courage and the strength will come. It takes time. You have come a long way. Remember to give yourself some credit. Hugs, Magic

TinyVoice

Bon-

I know the feeling. When we are trying to crawl out of the low self-esteem hole...our SO's are still in it...reaching up, grabbing our ankles and trying to pull us back down in the hole with them. And I am so vulnerable right now...pulling me back down is easy.

huge hugs to you...you DO deserve better. So do I. I hope to get there some day.

cwohio

tinyvoice - what a great analogy about the self-esteem hole!!!

cwohio

redrose0729

Keep focusing on you and your self esteem. Even if he cant respect it at least you will have your self respect. To tell the truth the more self respect I have for myself the more respect I get from others. I have a question though. How does everyone get those cute pictures that comes with their post?

Bellesarius

Bonbon,

Feel good about yourself today.. you're doing well. Keep focusing on yourself, on getting really honest and knowing your boundaries and values. Good relationships are alien to anyone who has spent any significant period of time living with addicts or alcholics (I was married for 13 1/2 years to an alcoholic.. lots of time to get really, really dysfunctional).. and although neither of my parents where alcoholics, I was impacted my multi-generational family dysfunction stemming from alcholism a few generations back.

A few anecdotes.. my first sponsor always said that 10 al-anons aren't a match for 1 addict/alcoholic, you can't outthink them or outmanipulate them. A priest friend was apt to say my wife has mastered the PHD in manipulation while I struggled through the freshman survey course.

One last thing.. As I am beginning ot learn, real relationships are all about mutual respect and meeting each other's needs. For this to occur, however, one must be able to honestly understand what their needs are, be able to communicate them openly with a person who is going to be willing to meet them. My current sponsor say every relationship has an I, a You and an Us.. everybody must take care of themselves, be responsible and open, while the US is composed of wants and needs. Needs are non-negotiable. I'm looking forward someday to have recovered enough to find a person who will be willing to fulfill my needs (and I hers), and being able to tell her what my real needs are... I certainly don't have a clue today.. too delusional and broken down.. but I sure can tell when my needs AREN'T being met!!! I think we all know when our needs aren't being met, but few people are mature enough and have enough self-knowledge and honesty to know what they really need.

Remember, if your doing ok today, then you're doing ok!

Magichappens

Bellesarius is right. I always thought that one person should be able to meet all my needs. Knowing myself and my true needs has helped me to find others who are capable of meeting some of those needs. If I keep demanding that someone meet my needs when they are not capable of that is bound to be painful for both parties. Reaching out to people in Al-Anon to help me meet some of my emotional needs has helped me be a more relaxed and well rounded person. M

Rose56

Hey Bonbon! Great to hear from you!! Sorry you are struggling with the manipulation beast. You seem to know the way.... ever onward!!!

Daffodil

(((((bonbon))))

If the marriage fails, please remember that you are not a failure. You are not broken. You really are only wounded a little. Take time to re-group and be kind and gentle with yourself. Remember to breathe.

Sending Happy thoughts your way.