shil2587

My time at secondary school was, to put it mildly, traumatic. I was mercilessly bullied by several in my year group for the entire 6 years. Apart from a small group of friends, the rest of the year group laughed along and did nothing. I was isolated and became seriously depressed. It's taken years of flashbacks and depression and low self-esteem and to recover from the damage they caused.

Today I was invited to a class reunion. I could have simply declined and gracefully walked away. But no, I couldn't let it go at that. I think it was all the repressed anger and what they did that all came back to me in a flood. I had never stood up for myself, I had been very quiet and just absorbed it all.

So, instead of declining and walking away, I posted on the reunion page that I wouldrather be shot than spend a single moment of my time with any one of them. To my surprise a couple of other people posted that they too hated the year group and jhad been bullied, but that they were adults now and had moved on and were looking forward to attending the reunion and that if I was going to be so negative they were glad I wasn't coming.

Now, I haven't and won't respond again, but are they right? Is moving on.being able to socialise with people who made life hell? Because in my head, moving on is making the choice that I never have to have anything to do with any of them ever again.

Am I wrong? Should I be able to be cheerful and happy to meet up? Or are they still stuck in the cycle of wanting to fit in with the abusers?

Please help, I am surprised by.much this has rocked my mindset and how much anger I still.have towards them all.

FeelingGreat

I think it might have been good for you although I can fully understand your feelings. I've read a lot of stories where people met their bullies again, and all having become adults, it's somehow taken that load off their shoulders.

Adults meet as equals.

Hawkeye13

You stood up for yourself and said what you wanted to say all those years ago.

I would frame your post as perhaps cathartic towards growth and healing from a very tough time you survived for years.

I also would not bother to post or look at the reunion page again, but to move on with your life and forget them.

CodeJob

I went to a few of my reunions. It was useful to see that these people were just people.

I'm sorry you wrote rashly on the FB site. It indicates you have work to do yet on this fragile period. Your initial reaction was not to go. Only you can decide if that was protecting your younger core self and whether or not showing up is something you need to do for healing.

MissFixit

I agree with Hawkeye and would not give any more energy to the reunion.

If it is eating away at you, I would talk with a therapist.

MissFixit

FWIW, I wasn't bullied (so I don't know how you feel about that), but got along with people fine. However, I never have attended my HS reunions and don't really care about them. One friend was mad I did not attend and said I was missed. Oh well. Life goes on. I stay in touch with the folks I care about.

TerpGal

I was bullied so badly, I have flashbacks and nightmares still 20 years later. And TBH I would feel the exact same way you are feeling now and probably thinking the same things. I don't know if I would have posted it, but I would probably sure have wanted to. One of Tue things I'm working on in therapy. I have not forgiven those people and I know how unhealthy it is.

Don't second guess yourself that you have to go. If it still is so raw, it would probably just make you feel worse. I had a small group of friends from high school I still keep up with. I didn't bother going to my 10 year because the only people I'd want to see are the people I already keep in touch with anyway. Why bother to go hang out with a bunch of people I don't particularly like anyway?

shil2587

I think what's set me back so much is that so many people were blithely going in about how wonderful and perfect school years were, or saying that growing up is learning to forgive and how they are all grown up now. Well that's fine and dandy, but I can't forgive on this occassion without some sort if acknowledgement or apology for what they did. I know I will probably never get it and I never think about them, just this invitation has brought it all back to the surface. That's surprised me, I guess.

I won't go, wild horses couldn't get me there, but it would have been nice to have had recognition that any of it happened.

Small comfort though that the vast majority of them are still living in the same town, have the same haunts, friends and several have criminal records or got pregnant at a young age. None of them have careers or successes to their names. And whilst that shouldn't please me, it does, a little.

kudzujean

I agree with Hawkeye, move on with your life and forget them.

I was seriously depressed and unhappy in high school. In my case, I can't say it was because of my classmates bullying, but I was very withdrawn and unhappy. I've never been to any of my high school reunions and have no plans to. It's a time I don't care to remember.

Hangnbyathread

How about you just decline to go and add nothing further?


Just a thought.

It's what I do and nothing bad has ever come back to me from it. I have zero interest in seeing what became of them. Anybody I cared for I stayed in touch with.

Hammer

My observation is that one cannot drive down the Highway to Happy Destiny starring in the Rear View Mirror of Past Regrets.

If your mind were not on this today . . . where would you rather it be?

Wherever that is -- may be a much better trip then to "back there."

tigerlily1

I agree with the others who have said just forget about it. It obviously was a time in your life that created bad memories. People can be so very mean!! I don't think you need to feel the slightest bit bad for not going. I think it's perfectly normal to NOT want to spend time with people who hurt you. I have not attended any of my high school reunions. The people I was actually friends with I have stayed in touch with.

ladyscribbler

The only time I was ever grateful to be deployed to Iraq was when I got the invitation to my 10 year high school reunion.

AnvilheadII

but I can't forgive on this occassion without some sort if acknowledgement or apology for what they did.

this really jumped out at me. you are looking at those who HURT you to HEAL you and that won't work. when we FORGIVE it means we release OURSELVES from the bondage of pain and anger and resentment. we acknowledge it happened, of course, we do not FORGET it happened, but WE no longer carry the baggage around with us.

i'm sure many of those who hurt or bullied you no longer remember any of it. it was more painful and traumatic FOR YOU, not them.

you could see this as a wonderful opportunity for your own growth. the universe presented this opportunity, now today, when you are older wiser and much more self aware. it "reunited" you with a past hurt and today you have many tools to put it all in it's place in the past and leave it safely there.....

Hopeworks

This was worth repeating as it is the best medicine for the pain of your past. All of us have been hurt by someone (for me it was my cruel alcoholic father).

This is how I forgave him for his unending cruelties. People operate in the light they have...some like my dad are in complete darkness. His own childhood was a complete mystery and I don't even know if he knew his father or was abused. It was a dark secret. I suspect he was in hindsight and before he died an alcoholic I went to him and let him know I forgave him and loved him.

They say unforgiveness is like wanting to poison your tormenters but instead you are really drinking it yourself. If you reason it out it is eating at you alone...they are not sleeplessly tossing and turning feeling guilty for being cruel and bullies in high school.

Letting go of this forever will heal you and let you move on...life is not fair and full of bullies and injustice. It doesn't have anything to do with you or your self worth ... there are cruel people who are extremely broken and twisted. Don't give them space in your brain.... you are an adult and can now choose your relationships for the most part.

By the way... I went to my high school reunion and what a disappointment. What a lame high school and class ...it was so bad no one has even attempted another reunion! You won't be missing a thing...trust me!

Rosalba

Interesting post; there's a school reunion coming up from a very strict convent I attended between the ages of five and ten. The original building has moved and apart from one or two old schoolfriends I wouldn't know anyone there. It would also be very, very inconvenient to get there. A dear friend who was hoping to go alerted me to it.

I didn't want to go because it would remind me of one of the worst times of my life. Not so much the school itself - though I've spent much of my adult life undoing the negative effects of the psychological abuse we all received there - but because of things happening in my home life at the time. It would be a reminder of a time I really don't want to revisit.

On the other hand, different school, different reunion - I found it very useful to get back and realise that teachers who'd terrified me as a kid were actually smaller than I was as an adult, and I could see their vulnerability very clearly; almost like an exorcism. I left my school Facebook page because I was getting bored with people who really hadn't moved on at all since those days - whilst respecting their right to vent in a safe environment. I take the view that I've had a very interesting life - and that the most interesting bits did NOT happen at school!

Also, to the OP - if people are saying that if you feel like that it's better if you don't go - this MAY be meant kindly. One of the problems with posting online is that it's very difficult to gauge tone of voice and all the things which let us know someone's true meaning beyond the words; if you try reading what they've put in a gentle tone of voice, does this fit?

ubntubnt

the AA Big Book says that resentment is one of the biggest triggers of relapse. Thats part of working the steps is designed to do, to empower you let go of it. Personally I would not go to any reunion that I didn't feel comfortable with and simply ignore it. you have enough stresses in your life to spend your time working through that.