New and need advice

Old 01-23-2015, 11:25 AM
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New and need advice

My husband and I have been married 20 years. for all the years I have known him his brother is an alcoholic, substance abuser and addicted to gambling. He isn't married as he was close to mother all his life (mother alcoholic and died 18 years ago). All he has done is get into trouble. DUI, jail numerous times for drinking when probation appeared, etc.

we let him live with us after jail about 6 years ago for 4-6 months. then he lived in a hotel then an apartment (lost 3 homes due to gambling). then out of his apartment due to no $$ as he doesn't work. he has a small pension and disability so could rent a room and survive but chooses not to work even though he is capable of it. last year he came to live with us another 4 months after being kicked out of apartment, he doesn't drink at our house then went to my parents for 4 months and started drinking with a friend, constantly lying about looking for a job, etc. my parents kicked him out. so he went to hotel and ran out of money as he was drinking every night. Was homeless last week but came to my house every day toshower, eat, do laundry etc. well it was only the times when I was off to work. my husband sees nothing wrong with this. BIL decided to check into rehab and goes on the 1st of Feb. husband told him as of wed this week to not come around as he got his check and could survive or go to shelter. he constantly is telling my husband he can't make it to the 1st when he is going to rehab, it is cold outside when he was on the street, etc. my husband gave him $20 last week to buy cigarettes and food. I am beyond frustrated. this man is in his late 50s. Ihave never heard him take responsibility for his actions. always wants sympathy and handouts. I have two teenage boys who don't need to see this behavior being accepted. this is causing my marriage to fall apart. I love my husband more than ever yet I cannot deal with the daily behind my back letting his brother come into my home. I am tired of being the "bad guy". I didn't make his choices. I work full time, take care of my family. I don't need a 50+ man who has never made the right choices to have everyone feel sorry for him. He lies constantly is a master manipulator and my husband doesn't seem to understand I want him to take a stand and let his brother hit rock bottom to learn and grow up. When he told his brother he couldn't help him anymore, etc his brother's response was what are you on. again, doesn't understand what his actions do to others. Any suggestions/advice?
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Old 01-23-2015, 11:38 AM
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The brother needs to get the boot and be left to his own devices. And addicts have plenty of devices when they need them. However, if you and your husband aren't on the same page, you'll have nothing but friction. You and your hubby really need to sit down and discuss where you stand on this issue of his brother. Doing for a grown adult isn't going to help them help themselves any faster. Good luck. Alcoholic families are real minefields.
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Old 01-23-2015, 12:14 PM
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Welcome to SR -- and I agree with what Grits said. You need to get on the same page with your husband.

My ex would never go to counseling with me, but I know plenty of couples that don't deal with addictions who regularly go to counseling to "brush up" on their communication skills. They say it helps to have an objective observer who's not a friend but a professional who can point out when the discussion veers off track and starts getting filled with accusations, passive-aggressiveness, or general moping -- or whatever we tend to do when we discuss.

Do you think your husband would be open to that option?
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Old 01-23-2015, 12:51 PM
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thanks for the comments. I am trying to get him to see how I want the best for my BIL but I only get the treatment that I am the one overreacting. I want my BIL to be a productive member of society, find a girlfriend, get married, enjoy life, get a job, have friends, etc. I believe until he hits bottom and learns it is him not everyone else then he will see the need to change. He is entering rehab next week with the idea of no rent, food, bills for 3 months to get out of the money situation he is in. honestly he doesn't see it is an alcohol problem so I am hoping they will see his reasoning and help him discover the real issue and he needs help. Anytime I discuss anything, my husband feels sorry for his brother (only family member left) and being the older brother he wants to care for him. He says the right things. he knows he shouldn't enable, etc. but then he does it.
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Old 01-23-2015, 02:56 PM
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Welcome to SR, buggirl--I can't say I have any experience w/the situation you describe, altho I'm sure others here do.

Have you considered trying Alanon as a source of support and education about alcoholism for yourself? Would your husband try a few meetings w/you? That could be something that could help you get on the same page, I think.

It's possible that your hub doesn't know much about alcoholism and addiction in general, and hence he is acting this way, thinking he's helping when in fact he's doing the opposite. It might be useful for both of you to read this thread: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

I guess a lot of it depends on how open your hub is to getting some education and possibly looking at things from a different viewpoint. For everyone's sake, I hope he's an open-minded guy!

Best wishes, whatever ends up happening--and hang around here for your own sake, even if nothing else changes. It's a great place to find understanding, growth and inspiration.
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Old 01-23-2015, 08:32 PM
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Until your husband stops enabling his brother, you will always be in this situation, watching your husband feel sorry for his brother and the brother will always be there with his hand out.
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Old 01-23-2015, 09:33 PM
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Hmm...here is my 2 cents, for what ever its worth...Just like you can't control your ABIL, you can't control your husband and his enabling either. It's a bit of a pickle. You're right, no one should enable him if they want him to ever hope to clean up.

It sounds like you need to have a talk with your husband. Maybe see if he is willing to attend alanon with you. If he isn't willing to do that, perhaps go on your own so you can get a better handle on your own feelings and what to do with them.

I'll be praying for you. It has to be a real tough spot to be in. Hugs
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Old 01-24-2015, 04:13 AM
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I'm with Katchie on this. Try booking a time to sit down with your husband and without getting defensive, listening more than you talk, see if you can come to a compromise.
Don't forget your H has known this guy his whole life, remembers him when he was young, and has no doubt seen their late mother enable him. He possibly thinks that's how it works.

You two might be able to come up with a compromise which neither of you is thrilled about, but will save your marriage. Even talk to a counsellor together. Just don't let your BIL threaten your marriage.
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Old 01-24-2015, 04:37 AM
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Hello Bug!

I suspect your H is motivated to act (enable mostly) based on long held family patterns. I wonder if you asked questions about how his family functioned, the alcoholic mom (now deceased), and your H's feelings and roles he was required to play growing up might be a small window into why he now is enabling BIL somewhat behind your back.

This might be a slightly more empathetic approach with your H as you want him to be open and communicative. Since BIL is about to head off to rehab, you could space out several conversations to better understand why your H probably feels deeply obligated to care for his brother. You are about to get a break. He's. Not the first addict to enter rehab with recovery NOT the main goal!

There are two things that helped me. One is realizing both me and my H are ACOA (adult child of alcoholics). For me,I fit due to dysfunctional family not straight up addiction. Your H may have set patterns, behavior and beliefs due to being raised in his family. Secondly I've had some luck recognizing when my H and I start playing out old arguments and we take our preferred corners. Our arguments are well worn angles on the Karpmam Drama Triangle.

Survivors Library: Karpman Drama Triangle

some of this history you surely know, but you've probably not looked at it from a family system of addiction. You might hold a lot of information that might help you best form a more solid unit with your H to deal with his brother. Best!
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