Not sure best approach??
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Not sure best approach??
Good morning-
Quick recap...AH has been sober since 12/1. He went into rehab from 12/1-12/14. Working his program, seems very committed, has made some positive changes.
I am continuing to work my program and seeing my therapist.
But I'm at a point right now, where I'm ready to scream. These early recovery ups and downs are hard! They aren't my ups and downs, they are his. He's moody, edgy, and really disconnected. It will come and go in waves. And to be honest, it's just tiring. I've read the chapter to wives and the family afterwards, but my patience is running thin, I'm tired of feeling like the only person whose wants and needs in our house matter are his. I'm tired of feeling like our marriage doesn't matter, I'm tired of feeling like he'd rather talk to his sponsor or others than the people in his own house. I KNOW this is normal, however, I also feel like he has a responsibility in his marriage and house to clue the people in that he lives with about what's going on so we can better understand..when he doesn't and he just acts like he could care less and a jerk...that makes it harder.
I have read the 2 chapters to wives and the family after in the big book, but at the moment, I'm just frustrated and needed to vent my frustrations! It's not about controlling him or the situation, because I have said and done nothing to discourage him from his AA meetings, nor addressed his behavior because I don't know how to approach him without being chastised by him.
It's just tiring hearing that to support his recovery...how about what HE needs to do to help support his marriage and family emotionally?
Am I the only person whose felt this way?
Quick recap...AH has been sober since 12/1. He went into rehab from 12/1-12/14. Working his program, seems very committed, has made some positive changes.
I am continuing to work my program and seeing my therapist.
But I'm at a point right now, where I'm ready to scream. These early recovery ups and downs are hard! They aren't my ups and downs, they are his. He's moody, edgy, and really disconnected. It will come and go in waves. And to be honest, it's just tiring. I've read the chapter to wives and the family afterwards, but my patience is running thin, I'm tired of feeling like the only person whose wants and needs in our house matter are his. I'm tired of feeling like our marriage doesn't matter, I'm tired of feeling like he'd rather talk to his sponsor or others than the people in his own house. I KNOW this is normal, however, I also feel like he has a responsibility in his marriage and house to clue the people in that he lives with about what's going on so we can better understand..when he doesn't and he just acts like he could care less and a jerk...that makes it harder.
I have read the 2 chapters to wives and the family after in the big book, but at the moment, I'm just frustrated and needed to vent my frustrations! It's not about controlling him or the situation, because I have said and done nothing to discourage him from his AA meetings, nor addressed his behavior because I don't know how to approach him without being chastised by him.
It's just tiring hearing that to support his recovery...how about what HE needs to do to help support his marriage and family emotionally?
Am I the only person whose felt this way?
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I haven't had that experience, but I've heard that emotion expressed many, many times. You've waited so long for him to get sober, and now he finally is, it's like... the only major change is that he's not drinking. The selfish behaviors, the King Baby and Center of the Universe attitude is still there... no wonder you feel frustrated!
When I was married to an A, I often felt like I was giving, giving, giving, and there was no reciprocation. And I got to a point where I was just EMPTY. Tired of being the one who was nice and understanding. I know it's different, but I'm suggesting that maybe you feel like "well crap -- now he's sober and I'm still the one giving, giving, giving... when is this going to stop?" and I don't see a thing wrong with that. But I also have no solutions. I mean, "working your own program" of course -- but that doesn't help you with the lack of connection you're feeling with him.
When I was married to an A, I often felt like I was giving, giving, giving, and there was no reciprocation. And I got to a point where I was just EMPTY. Tired of being the one who was nice and understanding. I know it's different, but I'm suggesting that maybe you feel like "well crap -- now he's sober and I'm still the one giving, giving, giving... when is this going to stop?" and I don't see a thing wrong with that. But I also have no solutions. I mean, "working your own program" of course -- but that doesn't help you with the lack of connection you're feeling with him.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Oh no, my X was just the same when he got home from rehab. Thing is, he is very new out of rehab. It really does take a while. I recommend you keep working your program and try to detatch and not take it personally.
XXX
XXX
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
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I second what hopeful said. But I'd also like to share with you something I was told. "We don't drink to make the happy healthy self go away".
In early recovery all they are left with is themselves, usually all the things that were dulled by the alcohol and now they have to learn to handle, sober. I used to find it worked for us to let him talk things out and take the role of sounding board. He found it helpful to work through something he was stuck on in his head and I would then find it easier to bring up something that had bugged me given the context had been established that we were talking roughly in that area already.
Of course, I also found it very helpful to talk to my own family quite openyl.about what was going on. I needed to be heard too and it helped not feeling like I was keeping secrets.
In early recovery all they are left with is themselves, usually all the things that were dulled by the alcohol and now they have to learn to handle, sober. I used to find it worked for us to let him talk things out and take the role of sounding board. He found it helpful to work through something he was stuck on in his head and I would then find it easier to bring up something that had bugged me given the context had been established that we were talking roughly in that area already.
Of course, I also found it very helpful to talk to my own family quite openyl.about what was going on. I needed to be heard too and it helped not feeling like I was keeping secrets.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Thanks to both of you for the reply. Lilamy- you hit it right on the head. I'm trying hard and tired of not getting anything in return. he is king cry baby, feel sorry for me. He will look at me crazy and say, don't you realize how much I tell everyone I'm lucky to have you for a wife? How wonderful you are? And I'll say, maybe you should tell that to ME and he's like, but you know that already. Ummmmm...no, I don't always know that.
hopeful4- I'm working my program, trying to detach, hell, there's not much to attach to when he's never around, never checks in on my needs or wants, talks to others more than the people he lives with. And it's frustrating that it's hard to NOT take it personal when it IS personal stuff. For example: I had a bad day the other day, and needed some physical connection, just a hug. Do you know he said, I hugged you this morning? Really???? But his excuse will be he had a hard day. And maybe tomorrow, he won't be able to hug me enough. It's that BS up and down I'm talking about.
I appreciate your insights!
hopeful4- I'm working my program, trying to detach, hell, there's not much to attach to when he's never around, never checks in on my needs or wants, talks to others more than the people he lives with. And it's frustrating that it's hard to NOT take it personal when it IS personal stuff. For example: I had a bad day the other day, and needed some physical connection, just a hug. Do you know he said, I hugged you this morning? Really???? But his excuse will be he had a hard day. And maybe tomorrow, he won't be able to hug me enough. It's that BS up and down I'm talking about.
I appreciate your insights!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Was he like this before when he was sober?
How can I say this politely. If they were an a$$ before, just getting sober won't take that away. They will likely still be an a$$.
More will be revealed. I will say that Celebrate Recovery helped me so much during that time with my X b/c it gave me a huge support system that I really needed. Surround yourself with people who know and love you.
How can I say this politely. If they were an a$$ before, just getting sober won't take that away. They will likely still be an a$$.
More will be revealed. I will say that Celebrate Recovery helped me so much during that time with my X b/c it gave me a huge support system that I really needed. Surround yourself with people who know and love you.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
nope..
You are not and you have every right to feel the way you are feeling. You didn't sign up for this. Your whole life has been turned upside down and destroyed in some capacity.
I felt like this too. Mine was October to November - 30 days in and then 3 months intensive out patient.
I will never forget this one incident....he was scaling down on his outpatient and was at about once a week I think, so he was home more. I remember asking him to do something with the kids or I don't know..something.. And I guess I ruffled the Baby's feathers because he said (with some snickering) "Don't think you get a free pass just because I'm home tonight"
Let me tell you if looks could kill he would have been dead on the floor.
God forbid if our workloads were not completely equal.
Evvvverything was about him even afterwards.
I left him several months later.
You are not and you have every right to feel the way you are feeling. You didn't sign up for this. Your whole life has been turned upside down and destroyed in some capacity.
I felt like this too. Mine was October to November - 30 days in and then 3 months intensive out patient.
I will never forget this one incident....he was scaling down on his outpatient and was at about once a week I think, so he was home more. I remember asking him to do something with the kids or I don't know..something.. And I guess I ruffled the Baby's feathers because he said (with some snickering) "Don't think you get a free pass just because I'm home tonight"
Let me tell you if looks could kill he would have been dead on the floor.
God forbid if our workloads were not completely equal.
Evvvverything was about him even afterwards.
I left him several months later.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
No, he wasn't always this way. To some extent yes, but not always. Not this bad. He's really bought into the whole focus on himself and himself only. Very inconsiderate of others and their feelings...he used to be way more so.
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I should add, it's not just me...it makes it 10xs harder as I'm his wife, however, he's pushing several people aside and treating them VERY poorly. People who've done nothing but love and support him through everything life has thrown his way. Maybe that's part of my issue, I feel like we are losing all of our friends as well because he refuses to do anything with them. These are NOT people who care about drinking, have more fun without it, never in a million years would they make him uncomfortable or anything. But they call me frustrated, sad and so on that he's behaving this way. And I get it, but I can't change it.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Oh no, my X was just the same when he got home from rehab. Thing is, he is very new out of rehab. It really does take a while. I recommend you keep working your program and try to detatch and not take it personally.
XXX
XXX
I hope one day that when he decides to really get serious again I will have the chance to just let go and let god.
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spedteach...I have said this so many times: I think there should be a l aw that all alcoholics live separately from the family during early recovery. 6mo. to a year, at least.
It would be more kind to everyone involved.
dandylion
It would be more kind to everyone involved.
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
I think it would be a reasonable request on your part to request that there is a specific time each week where you talk about your recoveries and talk things out. You can even put ground rules in place such as no talking over each other, passing to the other person every few minutes etc. that you make a commitment to each other to hold that time. Maybe choose a cafe you like close to home and go grab a coffee every Sunday morning. This might sound a little formal or weird but it will open up a channel for you both.
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Thanks again for reaffirming that I am not in fact going crazy or the only person to feel this way.
I realize he's in infancy, and he's totally ready to go and be social...he's made plans for us tomorrow night with people. And he's gone out with people. he's just pushing others aside. That stinks.
Thanks Meggem you seems to really get where I'm coming from.
But you know what? His being sober IS about him, but our marriage is about US and HE needs to do his part of the US because I can't continue feeling like its him, him, him all of the time.
I realize he's in infancy, and he's totally ready to go and be social...he's made plans for us tomorrow night with people. And he's gone out with people. he's just pushing others aside. That stinks.
Thanks Meggem you seems to really get where I'm coming from.
But you know what? His being sober IS about him, but our marriage is about US and HE needs to do his part of the US because I can't continue feeling like its him, him, him all of the time.
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Originally Posted by ubntubnt
I think it would be a reasonable request on your part to request that there is a specific time each week where you....
Don't do anything recovery and just be man and wife. This would be my suggestion.
Sometimes we have so much recovery going on that we forget to live in a moment or those moments don't happen so you need to make them.
Dinner and a movie? No recovery talk. No resentment talk. No anger or hate. Just the two of you, together, doing something you both enjoy.
It might help to break the tension if you can do something together, just enjoy the moment and let it be. It helps a great deal to relax and you have something to reflect on and look forward to when times get hard and emotions are high.
I know you want to understand, but you can't. If he is talking to people in his recovery program and talking to his sponsor, this is great. This is what he is supposed to do. You don't want all that baggage, trust me!
Let the people that know how to deal with it talk to him about how to deal with it, same goes for you. Talk to your support group and on here. Vent away!
Better to scream on here then at home or at him.
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by meggem
nope..
You are not and you have every right to feel the way you are feeling. You didn't sign up for this. Your whole life has been turned upside down and destroyed in some capacity.
I felt like this too. Mine was October to November - 30 days in and then 3 months intensive out patient.
I will never forget this one incident....he was scaling down on his outpatient and was at about once a week I think, so he was home more. I remember asking him to do something with the kids or I don't know..something.. And I guess I ruffled the Baby's feathers because he said (with some snickering) "Don't think you get a free pass just because I'm home tonight"
Let me tell you if looks could kill he would have been dead on the floor.
God forbid if our workloads were not completely equal.
Evvvverything was about him even afterwards.
I left him several months later.
You are not and you have every right to feel the way you are feeling. You didn't sign up for this. Your whole life has been turned upside down and destroyed in some capacity.
I felt like this too. Mine was October to November - 30 days in and then 3 months intensive out patient.
I will never forget this one incident....he was scaling down on his outpatient and was at about once a week I think, so he was home more. I remember asking him to do something with the kids or I don't know..something.. And I guess I ruffled the Baby's feathers because he said (with some snickering) "Don't think you get a free pass just because I'm home tonight"
Let me tell you if looks could kill he would have been dead on the floor.
God forbid if our workloads were not completely equal.
Evvvverything was about him even afterwards.
I left him several months later.
I've done that with my husband (not the addicted family member). He has been coming home really grouchy. Our son is in jail so I get WHY he is grouchy but I'll be darned if he is going to take it out on ME. So I watch Dr. Phil (who he hates) and I said "I don't like it when you walk in the door and are immediately grouchy. Do you know that Dr. Phil says what happens in the first 3 minutes when a spouse comes home sets the tone for the entire evening?" His response "I don't care what HE says to do." (with disdain) I just calmly said "Well I wish you would because it is hard for me to be greeted like that." He hasn't done it since. Well a little at times but then seems to catch himself. So yay for me and Dr. Phil!
Kari
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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The first 6 months of early recovery I wanted to pull my hair out.
I'm incredibly short on time today so I found it easier to copy/paste some of my older posts that relate to this topic.... I'm sorry, I know that's cheating!
Alcoholism changed my RAH as well - I had a thread once about Why Love Isn't Enough & I remember NYCDogLover (I think?) pointing out for me that sometimes people just don't go back to what they were "before". (Like a pickle can't ever go back to being a cucumber) I try to remember that when I'm beating my head against the wall with out miscommunication & his shorter temper. I have to stop waiting for the "old him" to just rise from the ashes of his recovery. He IS different.
The early days sucked rotten eggs, I won't lie. I had to really work on my expectations (didn't realize I was relying on them), I felt like we were speaking different languages, I felt like our priorities were completely different, etc. It was easy to feel abandoned ~again~ first, for his addiction & then for his recovery.
I WISHED we had the resources to separate because I needed time to adjust just like he did. I found that we were better off staying out of each other's way as much as possible; for me that was so I could get my recovery legs under me & stop focusing on his actions/lack of results/whatever. There wasn't this big moment on my side of things - no extra set of hands pitching in, no change of my day-to-day stresses & where he'd been absent for his drinking before he was now absent to attend meetings.
He was no where near ready to be a contributing partner to the marriage because he was barely existing as a Person, if that makes sense.
I'm incredibly short on time today so I found it easier to copy/paste some of my older posts that relate to this topic.... I'm sorry, I know that's cheating!
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Tons - my RAH was in recovery for many months before anything felt even a little bit settled. We had a very difficult time communicating in early recovery because we were both in the same situation but had different needs. It was hard for me to comprehend that - that what I needed didn't work for him & what he needed, I couldn't really understand. To some extent, it felt like the same kind of selfish behavior he'd shown BEFORE recovery.... and you know what? That's not so far off base, recovery IS a selfish act because it HAS to be.
Time & space were what we both needed most. I didn't realize how much *I* needed it though, I was still in the mindset that my "to-do's" were tied to his needs. SR helped me out of that FOG.
Time & space were what we both needed most. I didn't realize how much *I* needed it though, I was still in the mindset that my "to-do's" were tied to his needs. SR helped me out of that FOG.
Alcoholism changed my RAH as well - I had a thread once about Why Love Isn't Enough & I remember NYCDogLover (I think?) pointing out for me that sometimes people just don't go back to what they were "before". (Like a pickle can't ever go back to being a cucumber) I try to remember that when I'm beating my head against the wall with out miscommunication & his shorter temper. I have to stop waiting for the "old him" to just rise from the ashes of his recovery. He IS different.
The early days sucked rotten eggs, I won't lie. I had to really work on my expectations (didn't realize I was relying on them), I felt like we were speaking different languages, I felt like our priorities were completely different, etc. It was easy to feel abandoned ~again~ first, for his addiction & then for his recovery.
I WISHED we had the resources to separate because I needed time to adjust just like he did. I found that we were better off staying out of each other's way as much as possible; for me that was so I could get my recovery legs under me & stop focusing on his actions/lack of results/whatever. There wasn't this big moment on my side of things - no extra set of hands pitching in, no change of my day-to-day stresses & where he'd been absent for his drinking before he was now absent to attend meetings.
He was no where near ready to be a contributing partner to the marriage because he was barely existing as a Person, if that makes sense.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Well I'm kind of nervous after reading this actually. RAH has been all hugs and love. He got home from 30 days of treatment last Sunday. I mean he is doing his meetings everyday, a nooner; but beyond that he is just happy and wanting to hang with the fam.
He hasn't totally absorbed himself into AA. He says he feels peaceful, but he also says he hasn't hit a real big trigger yet. So.....
I'm so sorry your going through this. I wish he could understand that YOU need the affirmation that YOU are wonderful and YOU are loved. YOU need to hear that more than his damn AA group!!!!
I agree....detach detach detach! ---BTW- they hug the crap out of each other at AA--so hugging shouldn't be damn difficult-- sorry, but that made me upset for you- YOU DESERVE A HUG!!!
He hasn't totally absorbed himself into AA. He says he feels peaceful, but he also says he hasn't hit a real big trigger yet. So.....
I'm so sorry your going through this. I wish he could understand that YOU need the affirmation that YOU are wonderful and YOU are loved. YOU need to hear that more than his damn AA group!!!!
I agree....detach detach detach! ---BTW- they hug the crap out of each other at AA--so hugging shouldn't be damn difficult-- sorry, but that made me upset for you- YOU DESERVE A HUG!!!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by GracieLou
OR
Don't do anything recovery and just be man and wife. This would be my suggestion.
Sometimes we have so much recovery going on that we forget to live in a moment or those moments don't happen so you need to make them.
Dinner and a movie? No recovery talk. No resentment talk. No anger or hate. Just the two of you, together, doing something you both enjoy.
It might help to break the tension if you can do something together, just enjoy the moment and let it be. It helps a great deal to relax and you have something to reflect on and look forward to when times get hard and emotions are high.
Don't do anything recovery and just be man and wife. This would be my suggestion.
Sometimes we have so much recovery going on that we forget to live in a moment or those moments don't happen so you need to make them.
Dinner and a movie? No recovery talk. No resentment talk. No anger or hate. Just the two of you, together, doing something you both enjoy.
It might help to break the tension if you can do something together, just enjoy the moment and let it be. It helps a great deal to relax and you have something to reflect on and look forward to when times get hard and emotions are high.
I found it really difficult to just push everything aside & "pretend"... because that is what it felt like, like I was faking it. We are all different, obviously, so take what you want & all that.
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