Can I just say...I LOVE MY ALANON GROUP!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Quincy, IL
Posts: 91
Can I just say...I LOVE MY ALANON GROUP!!
I couldn't imagine a greater group of people to make this journey with! The group just started in April, but there is such diversity in situations there, but everyone has the same common goal. I love having somewhere that expects nothing of me but love and support, and I get it back tenfold! I wish I had gone to alanon 4 years ago, but there's that 'it's not that bad' thing that kept me away until now. I also love posting here! There is no judgement, and all advice and support comes from such a loving kind place in all of you. I cannot begin to thank you enough!
On another note, I feel stronger this week. I've been limiting my Codie tendencies, and have been standing my ground much more than I usually do. Of course I've been met with 'I'm the victim' and 'you didn't tell me that the dog needed to pee after being in his crate all night', but I haven't let it get to me.
I have also started saving some money, just in case. Not much, but 10% will start going to my pay card and the rest to my bank account. So it's not enough for AH to really notice, but will get me about $200 a month, depending on my sales. Luckily, AH and I have seperate bank accounts, so that's convenient, but he can withhold money from me(which he does) just as easily as I can from him. I feel guilty hiding money from him, because I feel like I'm lying...is that normal? I feel like it's being dishonest, even though it's in my DD's best interest, and mine, to have some money saved that he is unaware of.
On another note, I feel stronger this week. I've been limiting my Codie tendencies, and have been standing my ground much more than I usually do. Of course I've been met with 'I'm the victim' and 'you didn't tell me that the dog needed to pee after being in his crate all night', but I haven't let it get to me.
I have also started saving some money, just in case. Not much, but 10% will start going to my pay card and the rest to my bank account. So it's not enough for AH to really notice, but will get me about $200 a month, depending on my sales. Luckily, AH and I have seperate bank accounts, so that's convenient, but he can withhold money from me(which he does) just as easily as I can from him. I feel guilty hiding money from him, because I feel like I'm lying...is that normal? I feel like it's being dishonest, even though it's in my DD's best interest, and mine, to have some money saved that he is unaware of.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
It's not dishonest to protect yourself and your daughter in any way needed. (((Hugs)))
I learned at rehab and again and again from experience that this disease will lie to both my husband and me. That unless he is in active recovery, I need to protect myself and our son. I also learned that honesty is of upmost importance.
I am honest with my H.P.
I am honest with myself.
I am honest with my son.
I am honest with my husband.
This does not mean I need to tell my husband everything, if it jeopardizes taking care of myself and our family.
If I'm unable to be completely 100% honest with my husband, that's a sign that something unhealthy is going on. Then I can look at what part of the problem is something I can do to fix it, or if it's up to someone else.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
It looks like you're doing very well so far with that.
I learned at rehab and again and again from experience that this disease will lie to both my husband and me. That unless he is in active recovery, I need to protect myself and our son. I also learned that honesty is of upmost importance.
I am honest with my H.P.
I am honest with myself.
I am honest with my son.
I am honest with my husband.
This does not mean I need to tell my husband everything, if it jeopardizes taking care of myself and our family.
If I'm unable to be completely 100% honest with my husband, that's a sign that something unhealthy is going on. Then I can look at what part of the problem is something I can do to fix it, or if it's up to someone else.
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference.
It looks like you're doing very well so far with that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Quincy, IL
Posts: 91
Thank you for that! I do feel like I'm doing a pretty decent job this past week applying the things I'm learning from my daily readings, even if it's not with AH. I work with one of my best friends, and while she's a lovely woman outside of work, the woman is greedy, and she gets on my last nerve until we are clocked out! So, I've been living and letting live.
I'm a very analytical person, and I have really been thinking before I say or do anything and run through the possible outcomes in my head before I do or say it. It has really helped with not jumping into an argument with AH, or anyone else, and it helps me recognize when AH is trying to sucker me into feeling sorry for him.
I'm a very analytical person, and I have really been thinking before I say or do anything and run through the possible outcomes in my head before I do or say it. It has really helped with not jumping into an argument with AH, or anyone else, and it helps me recognize when AH is trying to sucker me into feeling sorry for him.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mimi....you are making progress in a positive direction...and, you are starting to FEEL the benefits! That is what is so important.
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"
(unknown)
dandylion
"The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"
(unknown)
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Quincy, IL
Posts: 91
Thanks Dandylion! I do feel better...not 100%, but more than 0%!! There's one thing I continue struggling with, though. If I choose to stay, I know I still need to detach from the alcoholism. The concept of detaching with love is really confusing to me. Obviously, if I were to leave it would be not giving him money, rides to places, bailing him out, etc. But I feel like it's harder since we are still together? Like, if he asks me to stop at the station for cigarettes when we are out somewhere, I can't hold his hand and steer him away from buying beer. So then I feel like I'm enabling. It's his money, and it's not a special trip, and he went into the station. I'm probably overthinking this a little, but I'm just trying to figure this concept out!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Mimi....I think as you progress in your own self exploration, you will reach much more clarity and confidence.
My thought for you is to just work on detachment for now...don't worry about the "love" part, for now. That is an advanced concept, I think.
Detachment can be really hard to wrap your head around, in the beginning. To me, it is one tool that can protect you....to give you space to breathe and think. To help you establish your own boundaries as separate from him.
The concept of boundaries is also connected with the concept of detachment. The more you learn...the more your understanding will fall into place.
Yes, it is much harder to avoid the enabling when you are living as one unit. Especially if you are dealing with long standing patterns.
None of this is easy. I salute you for trying. It does get easier as long as you never give up on yourself!!
dandylion
***If you haven't read "Co-dependent No More", yet...that would help you a lot with these concepts. It is a great read, also.
My thought for you is to just work on detachment for now...don't worry about the "love" part, for now. That is an advanced concept, I think.
Detachment can be really hard to wrap your head around, in the beginning. To me, it is one tool that can protect you....to give you space to breathe and think. To help you establish your own boundaries as separate from him.
The concept of boundaries is also connected with the concept of detachment. The more you learn...the more your understanding will fall into place.
Yes, it is much harder to avoid the enabling when you are living as one unit. Especially if you are dealing with long standing patterns.
None of this is easy. I salute you for trying. It does get easier as long as you never give up on yourself!!
dandylion
***If you haven't read "Co-dependent No More", yet...that would help you a lot with these concepts. It is a great read, also.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
I'm so glad you love your alanon group!! That is awesome. I can honestly say that for me, I get more out of SR than I do my alanon right now, but maybe that will change soon, maybe it won't. I'm just going to keep at this. I really do need to get a sponsor though.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi Mimi. I feel the same way about Al-anon and SR! Wish I had started a long time ago.
Last night in my meeting we were discussing detachment vs. detachment with love, and helping vs. enabling. Those are definitely difficult distinctions for me to make, especially, like you said, when you're still living with the A. I feel as though I'm being cold or uncaring, when I'm trying to detach, or not to enable, and I wonder if I'm taking it too far.
"My thought for you is to just work on detachment for now...don't worry about the "love" part, for now. That is an advanced concept, I think. "
This is a good way to look at it ^^^ Thanks Dandylion
Last night in my meeting we were discussing detachment vs. detachment with love, and helping vs. enabling. Those are definitely difficult distinctions for me to make, especially, like you said, when you're still living with the A. I feel as though I'm being cold or uncaring, when I'm trying to detach, or not to enable, and I wonder if I'm taking it too far.
"My thought for you is to just work on detachment for now...don't worry about the "love" part, for now. That is an advanced concept, I think. "
This is a good way to look at it ^^^ Thanks Dandylion
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
I am so glad you like Al Anon and are working it
It is always good to see solution oriented threads about healing rather than wallowing in the problem.
If you drove him specially to the store to buy alcohol that would definitely be enabling.
Stopping somewhere with your passenger on your way home is just that. What he choses to purchase at the station is on him. Ultimately he has free will.
If you were to refuse to stop because "you know" he ll probably buy booze or if you were hounding them about his purchase, that would be controlling.
Sometimes, we just got to keep it simple
It is always good to see solution oriented threads about healing rather than wallowing in the problem.
Like, if he asks me to stop at the station for cigarettes when we are out somewhere, I can't hold his hand and steer him away from buying beer. So then I feel like I'm enabling. It's his money, and it's not a special trip, and he went into the station. I'm probably overthinking this a little, but I'm just trying to figure this concept out!
Stopping somewhere with your passenger on your way home is just that. What he choses to purchase at the station is on him. Ultimately he has free will.
If you were to refuse to stop because "you know" he ll probably buy booze or if you were hounding them about his purchase, that would be controlling.
Sometimes, we just got to keep it simple
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Mimi your post made me smile!
I had an AlAnon group I loved and attended for a long time when I first found AlAnon and they helped me so much, it was where I finally turned my head around and got some skills and tactics for dealing with the As in my life and living my OWN life! Changed me forever for the better.
Blessings on your journey!
B
I had an AlAnon group I loved and attended for a long time when I first found AlAnon and they helped me so much, it was where I finally turned my head around and got some skills and tactics for dealing with the As in my life and living my OWN life! Changed me forever for the better.
Blessings on your journey!
B
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Quincy, IL
Posts: 91
Thank you all!! I'm glad I could make some of you smile you all at every bit as helpful as my alanon group! It's just nice to have some face to face contact with alanon members
Carlotta-that's kind of how I felt about it, too. I just needed to know if I was on the right track!! Thank you!!
you all at every bit as helpful as my alanon group! It's just nice to have some face to face contact with alanon members Carlotta-that's kind of how I felt about it, too. I just needed to know if I was on the right track!! Thank you!!
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