FlowersEveryDay

I reconnected with my long time love about a year ago. We were each other's first loves..first everything's and we've loved each other since we were twelve. We are 26 now. We don't live in the same city anymore so we have just been speaking over the phone on an almost daily basis. A few months ago it became apparent that he had developed a drinking problem. I have been in a serious relationship with an alcoholic before so I have some experience in that area but it's limited. He got to the point that it was evident that his liver was damaged and he realized he needed help. He went into the hospital for detox. I was alarmed and drove out to his city to visit him and offer encouragement. He was told he had some liver dm age but not cirrhosis. A day after he got out of the hospital, he was drinking again. He didn't try to hide it. He called me and told me "I'm drinking again. I don't want to, but I am. I don't know how to stop. I can't do this by myself." I gave him some suggestions on low cost rehab centers as he does not have insurance, but he ended up finding one on his own. He was desperately trying to get in somewhere, anywhere but no one had room for him. He called every day. I told him I was proud of him for making the effort and encouraged him not to give up. I was careful not to try to do any of it for him. Finally he was accepted in a different city and he cried, he was so relieved. He's gone into another detox and thirty day program and told me he intended to go to another 6 month program when he gets out. It's been a week now since he went in and I miss him terribly. When he went into the hospital the first time I was afraid he could die. That really woke me up. That was the most important thing in the world, being there for him. He's what I want to do before I die. I can't imagine this world without him in it...I can't imagine my life without him in it. He is the best person I've ever known. This isn't an infatuation kind of feeling. I've felt the same way about him for half of my life. The past relationship I had with the alcoholic I mentioned earlier...he had rapid cycling bipolar disorder, a childhood full of abuse and was very scary and violent, so I'm not sure how to compare the situations, as my love is a very kind and gentle person, even when he drinks. Is it foolish of me to think I could have a real relationship with him again? Is it foolish of me to believe in him so much? He said he wants to be together when he gets done with all of it and that he'll stay sober. I'm not naive enough to think that he can keep any promises he makes right now. Or that he won't have any slip ups. He may, even if he doesn't realize it right now. And I know it would be difficult at times. Some people do, though, right? Some people get better and live normal lives. How should I handle this situation. I know my love for him is coloring the situation for me. I need an outsider's perspective. I should mention I have children. The oldest knows him. She grew up around him when she was younger and remembers him fondly. I know that is really the most important piece of information here. If I were childless, there wouldn't be any question. Maybe I just need someone to help me with my feelings. The ache to be with him is the kind that hurts in your bones. Our story is too long to share here but imagine a more complex version of the notebook. My heart is a little broken...this wasn't supposed to be in the story. Any words of wisdom or comfort would be appreciated. Please be kind.

CodeJob

Please be kind. OK

Welcome to SR. I think that you posted indicates that you have doubts about this relationship. Your post reads like you want to force this relationship into a happy ending like "The Notebook." You wrote:

"I was afraid he could die. That really woke me up. That was the most important thing in the world, being there for him. He's what I want to do before I die. I can't imagine this world without him in it...I can't imagine my life without him in it. He is the best person I've ever known. This isn't an infatuation kind of feeling. I've felt the same way about him for half of my life."

Please arrange to see a therapist who specialized in addictions to review your history of relationships with addicts and why you choose them. He needs to work on his sobriety. There is a difference between being supportive and sacrificing your entire life for another human. You can devote some time to work on you so you make an educated and wise decision for yourself and him. Think very carefully why you want to make another person your life goal. What about your goals and dreams for your life? What are you running and hiding from by burying yourself in a relationship?

Think of it as growing up mental work that is better done at age 26 before you are legally committed to anyone. Especially since you are little person's rock in this world.

Best,

hopeful4

My advise is to read, and read, read it all. Life with an alcoholic, especially with children involved, will produce a lot more hurt than you currently feel, I promise you that.

I know it's hard, but the wellbeing of your children must be first. And raising children with an alcoholic around will produce some of the hardest times of your life for you and for them.

Tight hugs.

NerdlyBeauty

Hi, Flowers. Welcome to SR! I was in a similar situation with my AXBF. We were boyfriend/girlfriend when we were teenagers, then reconnected 25 years later. We share a son. He is an abusive alcoholic, went through detox and rehab a few times, I took him back more times than I care to admit, because each time he promised it was the last time. It wasn't.

All I can say to you is...stack around here,. Read as many posts as you can. You will see your story in many members's stories. Then draw your own conclusions.

I wish I could be more hopeful for you...but we all have to learn from our own experiences.

Much luck to you.

FlowersEveryDay

I think I worded that the wrong way.he is not my life goal. I meant as far as romantic relationships go, he is who I want to have a relationship with. I have many life goals that I am currently pursuing. I don't think that I choose to be in relationships with people with substance abuse problems. The previous relationship, I didn't realize he had a problem until I was already in a relationship with him and then I got out. I was never around anyone with addictions growing up. That's why I'm having a hard time with my feelings right now is because I know people don't just sign up for that kind of thing. I hope I don't sound defensive, that's not the tone I'm writing in. I think you're right that I'm probably trying to force a happy ending. I just always thought there would be. I wouldn't expose my children to a relationship with him int he had been sober for a while...and even then I don't know if I would.

knowthetriggers

Hi Flowers! Glad you are here.

I won't share my long drawn out story on your thread but I have an AH, we have two girls. Yes we have had some very dark times and we have had some good times.

Ultimately the choice is yours, do what is best for YOU and your children.

Like many others have mentioned, educate yourself, read, attend Alanon Meetings. Take care of yourself and your children first.

lillamy

Hi & welcome! I'm glad you're here -- there's a lot of smarts here, a lot of hard-earned experience, and a lot of understanding.

Like you, I dated a succession of addicts, and ended up marrying and having children with one. Like CodeJob suggested to you, therapy helped me a lot -- it helped me figure out why I chose these men, what I was looking for, and why I clung to them for dear life even when they were negligent, mean, or abusive. I learned that even if you've had a happy, calm, pleasant childhood in a nuclear family where your parents adore each other, you can become a person who chooses unavailable, addicted people for partners. I don't know what the reason is for you -- but I would agree with CodeJob's encouragement that you find out.

When I read these things, you also reminded me of me:
I'm preaching to myself here, so don't take this as an attack, OK? The whole idea of "we've loved each other since we were 12" is a mental construct influenced by a culture that celebrates romantic ideas about love. "He is what I want to do before I die" is an unhealthy attachment that gives you value by being the person who helps a person in deep trouble.

When my "soul mate" left me, I said "I can't live without him." I said, "I wish I could fall asleep next to him and then die in my sleep so I don't have to live without him." I was really convinced that he was The One for me and that my life was over.

Is it foolish of you to think you can have a relationship with him, that he can get sober and become the man you want him to be?

Meh. I'd say no, not really -- he's obviously throwing himself into rehab with abandon and seems committed to his recovery. Here's the thing, though: Even if he is one of the alcoholics who becomes sober and stays in recovery, the man who comes out of that process may not be the same man as the one who went in. The man who comes out of the process may or may not feel like he wants to be in a relationship with you.

I think my bottom line is this: When you hitch your wagon to another person, when you let another person become the main focus of your life... you put yourself at great risk. And I know that 20 years ago, I would have responded "but he is worth it!"... and today, that's not my answer.

Today, my answer is, "I let a man become the main focus of my life because he made me feel like I had a purpose -- my purpose was to be his prime cheer leader and supporter and through my great love, I would make his life such a paradise that he wouldn't need to drink. And that was a choice I made because I really didn't understand addiction."

So I agree that reading and learning as much as possible about alcoholism is a great start. Attending 6-9 Al-Anon meetings and working their program is a better start. Al-Anon is for you -- to understand how you are affected by loving an alcoholic. It's not for "helping him stop drinking" -- it's for helping you live a rich, solid life regardless of whether he drinks or not. While he is working on his relationship with alcohol to come out healthier, the best thing you can do (in my opinion) is working on your relationships with two consecutive alcoholics, through therapy and through Al-Anon, and through talking to people here about it.

You will find that there are quite a few alcoholics here who have reached what you hope your boyfriend will reach -- long-term recovery. So it does happen. I think my concern for you is that you not tie your potential happiness to him and his recovery.

FlowersEveryDay

Thank you, that is some very solid advice. Thank you guys for bringing me back down to earth and taking the time to reply. Much love.

Chantal88

Flowers -

My story with my exboyfriend is very similar to yours (minus the children). I was there for him during the hard, dark time of addiction, but there was simply too many issues between us for us to stay together.

He is sober now and going to law school. We keep in touch sporadically, although he's engaged to be married now and there is still some romantic tension between us which makes being friends almost impossible.

What advice can I give you? I can tell you that some addicts do get sober. I have seen it. Does that mean that your love will get sober? I don't know, and really, no one on here can tell you. Many on here will try to persuade you to leave the relationship, which I think you need to consider because addiction is hell. But only you know what is right for you. I would also really encourage you to see a therapist. A counselor can help you to sort out your feelings and get to the bottom of what is happening.

When I was involved with my ex, many friends told me that I didn't really love him. I was of course royally pissed off that someone would have the audacity to tell me that I didn't really love someone! Like you, he was my first love and it was very intense. After many years of therapy I discovered that I did in fact love him. It was real love, not codependency, not infatuation. But I was also betrayed by him, and that left a very deep wound that I am still healing from.

Listen to yourself. Only you know the right path for you. I don't regret any of the struggle I went through with my ex. The experience really changed me for the better and I would never take it back.

atalose

I think when we over Romanize our relationships it should be a big red flag, we need to stop, look and proceed with extreme caution.

We need to ask ourselves what is missing inside of us where someone with major addiction issues is our answer?

Usually a new relationship with an active – trying to get sober and stay sober alcoholic is a modern day fairy tale that doesn’t end well.

Why not just allow him to do his recovery thing and you seek out some counseling and do your recovery thing and THEN a year or so down the road when hopefully you are both in different places with yourselves then possible explore a relationship.