Can't let go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Can't let go
I know it's only been 2.5 weeks. That is such a minuscule amount of time. But I can't let go. I check my phone every day, cry, and dream about him. Christmas evening my sister left her jacket at his place so she went and picked it up a few days ago. He was very rude to her, very short and aloof when she was texting him about picking up her jacket. He told her he was done with my family and has moved on. Why? What did we ever do to him??
Yet he is trying to "save" my AB who is an opiate addict and on the streets. My XAF told my brother to never forgive my parents for not letting him move back home and then texted my sister and said my brother might die and needs to sell drugs to make a living (and my family should let him move back in). How is that rational?
The callous rate at which my XAF has removed himself from my life after 5 years is mind boggling. My head is all twisted up. I don't understand any of this or how I could be tossed to the side so easily while he "moves on."
Yet he is trying to "save" my AB who is an opiate addict and on the streets. My XAF told my brother to never forgive my parents for not letting him move back home and then texted my sister and said my brother might die and needs to sell drugs to make a living (and my family should let him move back in). How is that rational?
The callous rate at which my XAF has removed himself from my life after 5 years is mind boggling. My head is all twisted up. I don't understand any of this or how I could be tossed to the side so easily while he "moves on."
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Jodie, hugs, I'm sorry your hurting so much. I know 2.5 weeks can feel like an eternity, its something I'm experiencing too right now.
Can I ask if you are attending Al-anon or Celebrate Recovery? Do you have a therapist? Anyone face to face that you can talk to that gives you good advice?
I'm just wondering what you are doing for yourself to help your own recovery to lessen some of this hurt, or at least to put what is going on in its proper perspective?
I'm finally learning that it's ok to cry! So cry when you need to!
What you XAF told your AB is just toxic. That whole thing is toxic and makes no sense whatsoever. But, you can't make decisions for your AB or your parents. You just have to look after yourself and take care of you. One day you will be thankful you are not part of that mess anymore. But until then, cry and release all of that emotion. Hugs
Can I ask if you are attending Al-anon or Celebrate Recovery? Do you have a therapist? Anyone face to face that you can talk to that gives you good advice?
I'm just wondering what you are doing for yourself to help your own recovery to lessen some of this hurt, or at least to put what is going on in its proper perspective?
I'm finally learning that it's ok to cry! So cry when you need to!
What you XAF told your AB is just toxic. That whole thing is toxic and makes no sense whatsoever. But, you can't make decisions for your AB or your parents. You just have to look after yourself and take care of you. One day you will be thankful you are not part of that mess anymore. But until then, cry and release all of that emotion. Hugs
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jodie77....this is part of the grieving the loss. And the "letting go" happens gradually. It is very painful while you are in it. Made up of many different emotions....like sadness and anger and asking seemingly unanswerable and ruminating....yes, ruminating! I think this is what you are experiencing, now.
The acute phase of grieving takes weeks to months...think in terms of months. You should have much better "sea legs" after about a year.
This is NORMAL.
What are you doing to help yourself through this? Have you read any of the suggested literature? Are you getting any professional help or support group help? (besides SR, of course...LOL!). All this falls under the heading of self-care....but, it sure does help to get it from any source that you can.....
Keep on crying, as much as you feel like it. Crying is good....that is why Mother Nature gave us this function, in the first place.....
dandylion
The acute phase of grieving takes weeks to months...think in terms of months. You should have much better "sea legs" after about a year.
This is NORMAL.
What are you doing to help yourself through this? Have you read any of the suggested literature? Are you getting any professional help or support group help? (besides SR, of course...LOL!). All this falls under the heading of self-care....but, it sure does help to get it from any source that you can.....
Keep on crying, as much as you feel like it. Crying is good....that is why Mother Nature gave us this function, in the first place.....
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Thanks. I'm in therapy and alanon.
I just don't understand how he could cut me out so easily. Yes we were fighting a lot. But one day he was telling me he would love me forever, then the next day he was so unemotional and just ended it. I'm so confused.
I just don't understand how he could cut me out so easily. Yes we were fighting a lot. But one day he was telling me he would love me forever, then the next day he was so unemotional and just ended it. I'm so confused.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Can you and your sister and any other family members PLEASE block him from everything. (phone, FB, emails, etc)
You don't need these constant reminders via text or any other kind of contact.
What makes him the authority on how to handle your brother anyway??
You and your parents need to do what is best for yourselves in this situation.
Your brother will need to make his own decisions for the life he wants.
I know it hurts. I truly do and it will take time. Give yourself the dignity to walk away form his s***. Take control of YOUR life, that is all any of us have any control over anyway. Once that clicks in your head, the rest is easy-peasy.
You don't need these constant reminders via text or any other kind of contact.
What makes him the authority on how to handle your brother anyway??
You and your parents need to do what is best for yourselves in this situation.
Your brother will need to make his own decisions for the life he wants.
I know it hurts. I truly do and it will take time. Give yourself the dignity to walk away form his s***. Take control of YOUR life, that is all any of us have any control over anyway. Once that clicks in your head, the rest is easy-peasy.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Jodie, you *can* let go. You just haven't yet. And that's okay.
Be gentle when you talk to yourself about how you're doing. Words like "can't" and "never" can tell yourself you are a failure, and you're not. You don't need that influence in your life from anyone, but you *especially* don't need to inflict it upon yourself.
Two-and-a-half weeks is a minuscule amount of time when you look at the grieving process in it's entirety. But it's a grand amount of time to have survived the pain you are in. Give yourself credit for that, and stop telling yourself you should be somewhere you are not.
I think you're doing great.
Be gentle when you talk to yourself about how you're doing. Words like "can't" and "never" can tell yourself you are a failure, and you're not. You don't need that influence in your life from anyone, but you *especially* don't need to inflict it upon yourself.
Two-and-a-half weeks is a minuscule amount of time when you look at the grieving process in it's entirety. But it's a grand amount of time to have survived the pain you are in. Give yourself credit for that, and stop telling yourself you should be somewhere you are not.
I think you're doing great.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Thank you all so much.
Just can't wrap my brain around how he could leave so easily. He told my brother "your sister is a great person but she has a lot of problems." I'm starting to feel like it's my fault again.
Just can't wrap my brain around how he could leave so easily. He told my brother "your sister is a great person but she has a lot of problems." I'm starting to feel like it's my fault again.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jodie....we could lay out the reasons that he did this in great detail and logic. The pages could go on and on. We could explain, to you, how he is f*****-up in the brain. Because he IS. And, then you will still ask "WHY?".
You have not, yet, been able to accept that it DID HAPPEN. You are still grieving the pain. The necessary step.
Once you accept that: He is F*****-ed Up and he DID IT.....then, the "why"s won't matter, any more.
dandylion
***therapy and alanon are good! The suggested readings can really help fill in the gaps....
You have not, yet, been able to accept that it DID HAPPEN. You are still grieving the pain. The necessary step.
Once you accept that: He is F*****-ed Up and he DID IT.....then, the "why"s won't matter, any more.
dandylion
***therapy and alanon are good! The suggested readings can really help fill in the gaps....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Jodie77 
Thank you all so much.
Just can't wrap my brain around how he could leave so easily. He told my brother "your sister is a great person but she has a lot of problems." I'm starting to feel like it's my fault again.
Just can't wrap my brain around how he could leave so easily. He told my brother "your sister is a great person but she has a lot of problems." I'm starting to feel like it's my fault again.
Start small. Be kind. Be patient. You deserve it.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ayer, MA
Posts: 87
Jodi, (and this may have already been said, so please excuse me), the reason your XAF is cutting out all of your family except for your AB is because your Brother is probably pretty supportive, or at least non-chalant, of your XAF's life style and habits, while the rest of your family is not. That's it. Stuff you ears full of cotton so you can't hear the quacking. Cut off all contact. If he can't stab at any open wounds, you'll finally be able to heal. Just MHO <3
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 494
He told my brother "your sister is a great person but she has a lot of problems."
2 - one of the really destructive aspects of my own codependent behavior was absolute inability to live with the idea that someone else does not think well of me, and may be (or is) spreading ideas to others that might make them not think well of me. I advise you to think very deeply about why it is so important to you that your ex and his family must continue to hold you in high regard. That part is about you and having been in your shoes, I can say it is essential to let go of those needs. You will be 100% happier when you do.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
Jodie, I was right where you are now a few weeks ago. I felt the same way and didn't think there was any way possible that I was going to be able to let go or move on. I was in SO MUCH PAIN and kept asking the exact same questions that you're asking.
When I sunk as low as I thought I could sink and felt like just giving up, I then, suddenly, got ANGRY. I was so angry that it frightened me, however, the anger was a good thing and it helped the pain a lot! I was too d@mn mad to feel hurt and, if you remember one of my posts from last week, I let him have it.
I was afraid that the anger would wear off and I'd be back to that overwhelming despair and hurt. I wasn't. I'm not going to say that it doesn't still gnaw a little if I think of it, but I'm past the acute pain stage now, and I'm not that far ahead of you on this road. So, I'm not saying your grief recovery will follow the exact path that mine has, but I am saying that you should start to feel some relief from that horrendous, soul crushing pain soon.
The questions..... ahhh, the many unanswered questions running through your very unquiet mind. I still have them too, but, at this point I'm ok with the fact that I'll probably never have them. He's an alcoholic, even if he gave me the answers, they'd probably not make an ounce of sense. Their minds are sick...they are sick. And they lie. They lie to themselves, to us and to anyone they have to. Even if they told us, could we believe them or would that just leave us with even more questions?
You will get to a point where having the answers to those questions won't be nearly as important as they feel now. I promise.
I know this hurts so severely honey, trust me that I know the pain you are feeling right now intimately too. I just want you to have hope and know that this level of pain is not going to last. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel and although it doesn't feel like it now, everything you're going through and feeling is leading you toward that light. Just hold on and hang in there.
I also realize that in a way, 'getting over' him and letting go is a little terrifying. It's so different and the future is so unknown, but it's ok...don't road block yourself out of fear. Just keep walking, one little step after another and as the path unfolds, you'll feel much more equipped to follow where it leads.
You're going to be ok. I didn't believe it when everyone told me I would be ok, but they were right and you WILL be.
(((HUGS))))
When I sunk as low as I thought I could sink and felt like just giving up, I then, suddenly, got ANGRY. I was so angry that it frightened me, however, the anger was a good thing and it helped the pain a lot! I was too d@mn mad to feel hurt and, if you remember one of my posts from last week, I let him have it.
I was afraid that the anger would wear off and I'd be back to that overwhelming despair and hurt. I wasn't. I'm not going to say that it doesn't still gnaw a little if I think of it, but I'm past the acute pain stage now, and I'm not that far ahead of you on this road. So, I'm not saying your grief recovery will follow the exact path that mine has, but I am saying that you should start to feel some relief from that horrendous, soul crushing pain soon.
The questions..... ahhh, the many unanswered questions running through your very unquiet mind. I still have them too, but, at this point I'm ok with the fact that I'll probably never have them. He's an alcoholic, even if he gave me the answers, they'd probably not make an ounce of sense. Their minds are sick...they are sick. And they lie. They lie to themselves, to us and to anyone they have to. Even if they told us, could we believe them or would that just leave us with even more questions?
You will get to a point where having the answers to those questions won't be nearly as important as they feel now. I promise.
I know this hurts so severely honey, trust me that I know the pain you are feeling right now intimately too. I just want you to have hope and know that this level of pain is not going to last. There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel and although it doesn't feel like it now, everything you're going through and feeling is leading you toward that light. Just hold on and hang in there.
I also realize that in a way, 'getting over' him and letting go is a little terrifying. It's so different and the future is so unknown, but it's ok...don't road block yourself out of fear. Just keep walking, one little step after another and as the path unfolds, you'll feel much more equipped to follow where it leads.
You're going to be ok. I didn't believe it when everyone told me I would be ok, but they were right and you WILL be.
(((HUGS))))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Thank you everyone, as usual!! You all are helping me tremendously. I am able to function because of SR! All of you I am hugging right now.
Santa, that is exactly what I am feeling right now. Just desperately wanting him to "want" me or love me again, and then I will feel validated and desirable. I don't care if a million other men tell me I'm pretty or smart or a great "catch." I only want those affirmations to come from him. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way.
Santa, that is exactly what I am feeling right now. Just desperately wanting him to "want" me or love me again, and then I will feel validated and desirable. I don't care if a million other men tell me I'm pretty or smart or a great "catch." I only want those affirmations to come from him. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Jodie, this feeling is classic co-dependent behavior. We want the person to hurt us to also be our healers.
The idea of acceptance is really important around stuff like this, such as, a person who drops you like a hot potato is not one who is capable of the tenderness and loving appreciation that you want and need. Who he is, what you want -- those things aren't compatible.
The idea of acceptance is really important around stuff like this, such as, a person who drops you like a hot potato is not one who is capable of the tenderness and loving appreciation that you want and need. Who he is, what you want -- those things aren't compatible.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 27
Jodie77,
We both are in the same situation. Today is my 2nd day after the break up and I feel like crap. Especially my anxiety towards the weekend. I just saw a comment on his Instagram saying "READY FOR THE WEEKEND!!!" It shows me that he is not ready to let go of alcohol quite yet.
We both are in the same situation. Today is my 2nd day after the break up and I feel like crap. Especially my anxiety towards the weekend. I just saw a comment on his Instagram saying "READY FOR THE WEEKEND!!!" It shows me that he is not ready to let go of alcohol quite yet.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I only want those affirmations to come from him. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way.
somwhere along the way you assigned him the role of VALIDATOR in your life. surely you understand settling for crumbs, or the classic IntermittentChicken post here on SR somewhere.
the CYCLE you were in is him being nice, and then getting not so nice, and then some blow out where he was a complete JERKFACE and then he'd come back with the whole oh i love you soooo much blah blah blah. and then.....HE'D DO IT AGAIN. he toyed with your emotions, he'd treat you like crap and you'd take it, and boy would that feed his ego. and the more he could keep YOU off balance, the less heat was on HIM for his antics. YOU were the crazy one, YOU had the problems, etc etc.
what he gave you wasn't love. was NEVER love. and the love you truly wish to have you will NEVER get from him.
it wasn't like you guys had five great glorious years and then one day he broke up. it's been a long rocky road, you just finally got to the end of the damn thing.
somwhere along the way you assigned him the role of VALIDATOR in your life. surely you understand settling for crumbs, or the classic IntermittentChicken post here on SR somewhere.
the CYCLE you were in is him being nice, and then getting not so nice, and then some blow out where he was a complete JERKFACE and then he'd come back with the whole oh i love you soooo much blah blah blah. and then.....HE'D DO IT AGAIN. he toyed with your emotions, he'd treat you like crap and you'd take it, and boy would that feed his ego. and the more he could keep YOU off balance, the less heat was on HIM for his antics. YOU were the crazy one, YOU had the problems, etc etc.
what he gave you wasn't love. was NEVER love. and the love you truly wish to have you will NEVER get from him.
it wasn't like you guys had five great glorious years and then one day he broke up. it's been a long rocky road, you just finally got to the end of the damn thing.
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