Can't let go
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Jodie I am so sorry that you have found yourself going through this pain but I am glad that you found SR where I'm sure you have realised you will get lots of love and support.
I understand how you feel I honestly do, I have been where you are as has everyone here and it's heart breaking, my ex A left 10 months ago and I am still grieving but not as acutely as the first few months. It takes time and dandylions right at least a year. The first few weeks are the worse and it's hard to understand why someone who states they love you could walk away so they can drink. For addicts nothing will come between them and their next drink which I'm sure you know by now they are more scared of living without their doc. I know that's difficult to understand and something I still struggle to understand.
I understand you have lots of questions about why and how, I still find myself asking them but I am slowly realising that I may never have the answers that I will accept or understand and the answers don't necessarily make the pain go away. The only thing that matters is you and the here and now and what you are doing to take care of yourself throughout this. One thing that really helped me was going no contact after a very long time, space and time to think clearly about me and what I. Had gone through, I was so caught up in him wanting to make him better, making sure he was ok and every time I had contact I was the one who ended up more distressed and hurt. NC I can focus more on myself
You ask how he can shut you out of his life as if you don't mean anything, I've asked the same questions how he could do this after 18 years and I'm still not sure but I think it's more about them not wanting to see the pain and damage they've caused, face their responsibilities and if they don't see you they don't have to deal with reasons for leaving they can block it out and continue with their delusion that they are doing nothing wrong, it's everyone else's fault. Anyone who reminds them of their addiction and what they have lost are shut out. I highly recommend going NC for your own sanity, it took me months to do this and I failed several times, it's now been 11 weeks and only had contact 3 times, even that has left me upset but I find I am able to recover quicker. Ask your friends and family to not tell you anything about him, what he says or does, the less you know the better for you
The only answers you can give are the answers you need to recover from this, he is an addict, he is ill and until he recognises that there is nothing anyone can do.
Focus on you take it day by day or one minute at a time whatever you need to get through the next hour, cry when you need to and journal, write down all your emotions and thoughts.
Tight hugs you can and you will come through this!
I understand how you feel I honestly do, I have been where you are as has everyone here and it's heart breaking, my ex A left 10 months ago and I am still grieving but not as acutely as the first few months. It takes time and dandylions right at least a year. The first few weeks are the worse and it's hard to understand why someone who states they love you could walk away so they can drink. For addicts nothing will come between them and their next drink which I'm sure you know by now they are more scared of living without their doc. I know that's difficult to understand and something I still struggle to understand.
I understand you have lots of questions about why and how, I still find myself asking them but I am slowly realising that I may never have the answers that I will accept or understand and the answers don't necessarily make the pain go away. The only thing that matters is you and the here and now and what you are doing to take care of yourself throughout this. One thing that really helped me was going no contact after a very long time, space and time to think clearly about me and what I. Had gone through, I was so caught up in him wanting to make him better, making sure he was ok and every time I had contact I was the one who ended up more distressed and hurt. NC I can focus more on myself
You ask how he can shut you out of his life as if you don't mean anything, I've asked the same questions how he could do this after 18 years and I'm still not sure but I think it's more about them not wanting to see the pain and damage they've caused, face their responsibilities and if they don't see you they don't have to deal with reasons for leaving they can block it out and continue with their delusion that they are doing nothing wrong, it's everyone else's fault. Anyone who reminds them of their addiction and what they have lost are shut out. I highly recommend going NC for your own sanity, it took me months to do this and I failed several times, it's now been 11 weeks and only had contact 3 times, even that has left me upset but I find I am able to recover quicker. Ask your friends and family to not tell you anything about him, what he says or does, the less you know the better for you
The only answers you can give are the answers you need to recover from this, he is an addict, he is ill and until he recognises that there is nothing anyone can do.
Focus on you take it day by day or one minute at a time whatever you need to get through the next hour, cry when you need to and journal, write down all your emotions and thoughts.
Tight hugs you can and you will come through this!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Jodie...
I understand it perfectly. I bet you do, too, deep down. But in order to understand it, you have to view his behavior through the prism of alcoholism. He's able to move on because he's numbed himself to the point where he doesn't feel a thing. If he wasn't numbing himself, he'd have to experience all of his feelings. My guess is he wants to avoid that.
You're going to feel and think what you feel and think. There's no ducking any of that. The important thing is putting one foot in front of the other in spite of all the hurt and pain. Progress, not perfection.
I don't understand any of this or how I could be tossed to the side so easily while he "moves on."
You're going to feel and think what you feel and think. There's no ducking any of that. The important thing is putting one foot in front of the other in spite of all the hurt and pain. Progress, not perfection.
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