Difficulty with closure as 22 year old
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Difficulty with closure as 22 year old
Hi there,
I never wanted to admit that my AB had a drinking problem. We recently broke up after a 3 year relationship. I found out from co-workers that they had seen him out - acting "immature." They also told me that he had been in contact with his ex-gf, who just so happened to be the cousin on one of my co-workers. This was the last straw for me - I had been unhappy for awhile. I broke up with him over the phone. What had happened to the man that I loved so much? I couldn't even believe this was the same guy. He didn't bother to fight for our relationship. I never heard from him again.
I'm trying to make sense of this all. My mother grew up with an alcoholic brother and suffered a horrible childhood. She believes my ex has a drinking problem. In college, he had a pattern of getting in trouble, which was connected to his drinking. After three warnings for misbehavior and misconduct, he took his drinking to the next level. He kicked a window and got suspended for an entire semester. This was when he hit rock-bottom and had to tell his parents. He left to go to a farm and "go back to the basics."
This is part of the letter he sent me:
"The past four years I have lacked a certain drive that I used to pride myself on. While fixing a washing machine, I remembered all the projects I had done with my Dad and the sense of accomplishment I used to feel. The certain drive I used to have has come back recently. Believe it or not, I noticed it in our relationship. I have put a lot of effort into our relationship and I think it is perfect. The thing is I was unaware of this because with us it comes so natural. Now having a clean system - no drinking - this effort in everything is starting to come natural again. I improved my resume today without really thinking about it. My run today felt natural. My only thing is being here, I get waves of sadness because I am away from you....In my ideal healthy world, I decided today, I am going to workout six days a week and do yoga. we can run separately but I think yoga should be together. My motivation and focus are back!"
He came back from his suspension - time being sober - with a new attitude. Our relationship was better than ever. We were focused on our relationship and living a healthy lifestyle (I rarely drink). He started a business with a friend and then...things didn't work out.
Soon, he got in trouble again at school related to heavy drinking. Girls in my dorm building were scared when he came in drunk and stumbling and yelling. The police were called on him and he cursed the girls out. He almost got expelled from our college a few weeks before his graduation. I was so nervous that he wouldn't graduate. Thankfully, he was lucky.
Since graduation, he is miserable at his new 8-6 job. I rarely got to see him anymore. When I wanted to stay in with his family, he went out with his friends to the bar. Once he fell flat on his face on the pavement. I was angry when he told me - how could he be so careless with his drinking? Since his job, he does not work out anymore. Instead, he goes out to drink with his friends. This is almost every night. He has gained a significant amount of weight. His drinking had affected our relationship - I told him I felt like he was drinking excessively. He told me that "I love you and want to be with you" but did not say anything else. I felt like our relationship was no longer a priority of his...Even his mom got mad at him when she found him hungover at her house on a Sunday morning and said "How long does she [me] have to put up with this?" He told her for three more years and then he will settle down. I don't think he will change then.
I guess all the warning signs are there that he has a drinking problem. He has a pattern of getting in trouble, seems like a different person now, and is willing to let go of our relationship so he can continue to "have fun and be happy." Granted, he told me "I could literally describe how perfect you are, how perfect we are and how much I love you. I am not sure if you will ever know. I love you sooooooo sooooo much. I am all yours and will always be all yours. I love you."
It's so sad to see how much he loved me in these letters. Both our parents thought we would get married. My mom told my dad she thought he was the one. His recently-deceased grandmother left him money to get me an engagement ring....We were supposed to be together. I know I am young being 22 years old, but he really was/is(?) my other half. I love him more than anything.
Right now, I think this all just shows he has a drinking problem. Maybe our relationship wasn't meant to continue, but I can't help but think he's perfect for me (besides the drinking). If only he could stop drinking, maybe he would care about me again. I cannot believe he never contacted me again, after everything we have been through during these 3 years.
On a final note, do you think I should send him a copy of the letter he wrote to me when he realized being sober gave him back his motivation and drive? When he felt "natural" and happy? I don't want to seem like the crazy, obsessed ex gf. This is just such a difficult time for me. Will i ever get the closure i need?
Help, friends!
I never wanted to admit that my AB had a drinking problem. We recently broke up after a 3 year relationship. I found out from co-workers that they had seen him out - acting "immature." They also told me that he had been in contact with his ex-gf, who just so happened to be the cousin on one of my co-workers. This was the last straw for me - I had been unhappy for awhile. I broke up with him over the phone. What had happened to the man that I loved so much? I couldn't even believe this was the same guy. He didn't bother to fight for our relationship. I never heard from him again.
I'm trying to make sense of this all. My mother grew up with an alcoholic brother and suffered a horrible childhood. She believes my ex has a drinking problem. In college, he had a pattern of getting in trouble, which was connected to his drinking. After three warnings for misbehavior and misconduct, he took his drinking to the next level. He kicked a window and got suspended for an entire semester. This was when he hit rock-bottom and had to tell his parents. He left to go to a farm and "go back to the basics."
This is part of the letter he sent me:
"The past four years I have lacked a certain drive that I used to pride myself on. While fixing a washing machine, I remembered all the projects I had done with my Dad and the sense of accomplishment I used to feel. The certain drive I used to have has come back recently. Believe it or not, I noticed it in our relationship. I have put a lot of effort into our relationship and I think it is perfect. The thing is I was unaware of this because with us it comes so natural. Now having a clean system - no drinking - this effort in everything is starting to come natural again. I improved my resume today without really thinking about it. My run today felt natural. My only thing is being here, I get waves of sadness because I am away from you....In my ideal healthy world, I decided today, I am going to workout six days a week and do yoga. we can run separately but I think yoga should be together. My motivation and focus are back!"
He came back from his suspension - time being sober - with a new attitude. Our relationship was better than ever. We were focused on our relationship and living a healthy lifestyle (I rarely drink). He started a business with a friend and then...things didn't work out.
Soon, he got in trouble again at school related to heavy drinking. Girls in my dorm building were scared when he came in drunk and stumbling and yelling. The police were called on him and he cursed the girls out. He almost got expelled from our college a few weeks before his graduation. I was so nervous that he wouldn't graduate. Thankfully, he was lucky.
Since graduation, he is miserable at his new 8-6 job. I rarely got to see him anymore. When I wanted to stay in with his family, he went out with his friends to the bar. Once he fell flat on his face on the pavement. I was angry when he told me - how could he be so careless with his drinking? Since his job, he does not work out anymore. Instead, he goes out to drink with his friends. This is almost every night. He has gained a significant amount of weight. His drinking had affected our relationship - I told him I felt like he was drinking excessively. He told me that "I love you and want to be with you" but did not say anything else. I felt like our relationship was no longer a priority of his...Even his mom got mad at him when she found him hungover at her house on a Sunday morning and said "How long does she [me] have to put up with this?" He told her for three more years and then he will settle down. I don't think he will change then.
I guess all the warning signs are there that he has a drinking problem. He has a pattern of getting in trouble, seems like a different person now, and is willing to let go of our relationship so he can continue to "have fun and be happy." Granted, he told me "I could literally describe how perfect you are, how perfect we are and how much I love you. I am not sure if you will ever know. I love you sooooooo sooooo much. I am all yours and will always be all yours. I love you."
It's so sad to see how much he loved me in these letters. Both our parents thought we would get married. My mom told my dad she thought he was the one. His recently-deceased grandmother left him money to get me an engagement ring....We were supposed to be together. I know I am young being 22 years old, but he really was/is(?) my other half. I love him more than anything.
Right now, I think this all just shows he has a drinking problem. Maybe our relationship wasn't meant to continue, but I can't help but think he's perfect for me (besides the drinking). If only he could stop drinking, maybe he would care about me again. I cannot believe he never contacted me again, after everything we have been through during these 3 years.
On a final note, do you think I should send him a copy of the letter he wrote to me when he realized being sober gave him back his motivation and drive? When he felt "natural" and happy? I don't want to seem like the crazy, obsessed ex gf. This is just such a difficult time for me. Will i ever get the closure i need?
Help, friends!
Last edited by kris101231; 01-21-2015 at 06:35 PM. Reason: typo
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Hi and welcome!
I'm just about to go to bed and my brain is mush, but I wanted to tell you that I'm glad you're here, and that all the thoughts you're having are completely normal thoughts to have when you've been involved with an addict.
I'm sure other people will come around with more lucid thoughts for you -- until then, look around, check out other people's posts and stories, and take care of yourself!
I'm just about to go to bed and my brain is mush, but I wanted to tell you that I'm glad you're here, and that all the thoughts you're having are completely normal thoughts to have when you've been involved with an addict.
I'm sure other people will come around with more lucid thoughts for you -- until then, look around, check out other people's posts and stories, and take care of yourself!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
My ex didn't get in trouble every time he drank, but every time he got in trouble- arrested, injured, whatever- he'd been drinking. If alcohol causes someone legal and interpersonal problems, then alcohol is a problem.
Nothing I ever said or did could convince him of that. He still thinks he's fine, even though he's lost our relationship and family, is unable to hold down a job. As painful as it was, I had to let him go. I spent a lot of time when we were together trying to make him "see the light" about his alcoholism so that we could be a happy little family. I was convinced we were meant to be together.
But alcoholism is immune to love, to external motivation, to any persuasion on earth except for the alcoholic deciding that they want sobriety and recovery and then putting in the hard work to make it happen. If my ex had been given money to buy me a ring, he would have drank it away.
Someone here has a great quote. In an alcoholic relationship you have to provide your own closure. The chances of someone completely turning their life around and making amends that leave you totally satisfied with the outcome are pretty slim.
It seems like this is your first serious relationship. That's a big deal, and you're not going to get over it overnight. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve the loss of the dreams you had. Take good care of yourself and do things that make you happy. Trying to contact him for closure is just opening the door for more pain.
He chose alcohol over a relationship. My ex did the same, and it hurt like crazy. One thing I did was to read the stickies at the top of the page and learn about alcoholism. That really helped me to understand that his decision wasn't a reflection of me or my worth, but rather a sad demonstration of the power of the disease of alcoholism.
Hugs and welcome. Keep reading and posting. We are here for you.
Nothing I ever said or did could convince him of that. He still thinks he's fine, even though he's lost our relationship and family, is unable to hold down a job. As painful as it was, I had to let him go. I spent a lot of time when we were together trying to make him "see the light" about his alcoholism so that we could be a happy little family. I was convinced we were meant to be together.
But alcoholism is immune to love, to external motivation, to any persuasion on earth except for the alcoholic deciding that they want sobriety and recovery and then putting in the hard work to make it happen. If my ex had been given money to buy me a ring, he would have drank it away.
Someone here has a great quote. In an alcoholic relationship you have to provide your own closure. The chances of someone completely turning their life around and making amends that leave you totally satisfied with the outcome are pretty slim.
It seems like this is your first serious relationship. That's a big deal, and you're not going to get over it overnight. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve the loss of the dreams you had. Take good care of yourself and do things that make you happy. Trying to contact him for closure is just opening the door for more pain.
He chose alcohol over a relationship. My ex did the same, and it hurt like crazy. One thing I did was to read the stickies at the top of the page and learn about alcoholism. That really helped me to understand that his decision wasn't a reflection of me or my worth, but rather a sad demonstration of the power of the disease of alcoholism.
Hugs and welcome. Keep reading and posting. We are here for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
K- Welcome. Sorry that you are here at this forum. We all love an addict and that is why we come for support. he is an A and his love for alcohol will always trump his love for others.
I am going to post some of my favorite comments that I save and have helped me.
All too often, the only way to help an alcoholic is to start shutting doors. Give an alcoholic a place to live, or money, or even love, and they will stay stuck in their disease. Very often the only thing that gets an alcoholic to get help is for them to have a moment of lucidity and realize that everyone is gone, and that they are the common denominator of their own misery.
You can't fix him. He is in the midst of his disease. He will seek recovery--real recovery when he decides to---and, not one minute sooner. It will have to come from within him because HE wants it--WHAT YOU WANT doesn't even figure into the equation, in his alcoholic thinking.
Educate yourself about this disease. Realize that you can only help you. (((((((hugs)))))
I am going to post some of my favorite comments that I save and have helped me.
All too often, the only way to help an alcoholic is to start shutting doors. Give an alcoholic a place to live, or money, or even love, and they will stay stuck in their disease. Very often the only thing that gets an alcoholic to get help is for them to have a moment of lucidity and realize that everyone is gone, and that they are the common denominator of their own misery.
You can't fix him. He is in the midst of his disease. He will seek recovery--real recovery when he decides to---and, not one minute sooner. It will have to come from within him because HE wants it--WHAT YOU WANT doesn't even figure into the equation, in his alcoholic thinking.
Educate yourself about this disease. Realize that you can only help you. (((((((hugs)))))
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That "besides the drinking" will be the center of your relationship if he doesn't choose recovery for himself. It's a slippery slope straight into hell. You deserve better. There are plenty of normal, non-alcoholic men in the world and you're only 22. Go live your life and don't worry about a man. Seriously. Speaking from the voice of experience here. You're all about him, so do you know who you are? Who are YOU deep down inside. NOT in relation to him. Who are YOU?
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Location: Seattle, WA
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kris101231 -
I am in the situation as you. My ex was also caught hanging out with his ex gf, and was MIA all weekend. He was so defensive when I asked him where he was going.
It was a big weekend for us Seattlelites when the Seahawks are going to the Superbowl and he completely went out of control.
Please keep in contact with me, I feel we have the same situation and maybe we both can give each other some support through all this pain.
C
I am in the situation as you. My ex was also caught hanging out with his ex gf, and was MIA all weekend. He was so defensive when I asked him where he was going.
It was a big weekend for us Seattlelites when the Seahawks are going to the Superbowl and he completely went out of control.
Please keep in contact with me, I feel we have the same situation and maybe we both can give each other some support through all this pain.
C
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Posts: 15
Originally Posted by chantylc 
kris101231 -
I am in the situation as you. My ex was also caught hanging out with his ex gf, and was MIA all weekend. He was so defensive when I asked him where he was going.
It was a big weekend for us Seattlelites when the Seahawks are going to the Superbowl and he completely went out of control.
Please keep in contact with me, I feel we have the same situation and maybe we both can give each other some support through all this pain.
C
I am in the situation as you. My ex was also caught hanging out with his ex gf, and was MIA all weekend. He was so defensive when I asked him where he was going.
It was a big weekend for us Seattlelites when the Seahawks are going to the Superbowl and he completely went out of control.
Please keep in contact with me, I feel we have the same situation and maybe we both can give each other some support through all this pain.
C
The funny thing is…he's from the Boston area. He's a patriot fan. Because we are broken up, I wonder how he will do with the Super Bowl. I don't know if he is an alcoholic…but he definitely has a drinking problem. The amount he consumes by himself is not normal, and his tolerance is so so high.
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Posts: 27
kris101231 -
When my ex and I were both 22, going out was a must for all of us. He was showing a lot of signs, but I thought it was just our phase of partying. Look at what happened now, we are both 29 and it's just crazy how things can develop.
He has 2 DUIS, woke up in the ER from drinking too much, almost lost his job because of calling in too many times, theres more.
We can get through this especially you at 22. You are suppose to be having fun.
When my ex and I were both 22, going out was a must for all of us. He was showing a lot of signs, but I thought it was just our phase of partying. Look at what happened now, we are both 29 and it's just crazy how things can develop.
He has 2 DUIS, woke up in the ER from drinking too much, almost lost his job because of calling in too many times, theres more.
We can get through this especially you at 22. You are suppose to be having fun.
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He just emailed me and said this:
I know I am about two weeks late but I honestly knew what sending this email meant. It is closure for both of us. I went out with xxx last night and told him how nice it was of you to reach out, in fact I was bragging a little about how mature you were with everything and how I received the nicest email. When I told him that I had not responded yet, he literally slapped me. The past two and a half years we shared fantastic memories. In typical fashion, I have done everything to not think about the breakup. Now reflecting back on it is healthy but it still pains me. I will never regret any of the time we spent together. You are the nicest, kindest soul and will be an amazing professional for whichever company you choose. I will always wish the best for you and your family. My mother gives me little updates about you just so I know you're okay. Obviously I want you to respond to this but I think it would be best for both of us if you did not. I put on a smiling face and a hard exterior shell for my friends and family but my interior is still extremely tender. If you would like to contact me when you feel there has been enough time where we are both ready, I would love to hear from you and hear where you end up. This sounds crazy but I have been avoiding bars in which I know your friends go to in fear of running into you despite you not liking to go out. That small chance scares the hell out of me. I am tearing up at work writing this. My grandfather scolded me and I think still likes you better than me. Sorry for rambling, I am reflecting and writing helps. You deserve the best. Hope all is well.
What do I do? I honestly love him so much, but I know he hasn't changed. He didn't even say sorry, or say he wants to get back together. Should I respond, or no?
I know I am about two weeks late but I honestly knew what sending this email meant. It is closure for both of us. I went out with xxx last night and told him how nice it was of you to reach out, in fact I was bragging a little about how mature you were with everything and how I received the nicest email. When I told him that I had not responded yet, he literally slapped me. The past two and a half years we shared fantastic memories. In typical fashion, I have done everything to not think about the breakup. Now reflecting back on it is healthy but it still pains me. I will never regret any of the time we spent together. You are the nicest, kindest soul and will be an amazing professional for whichever company you choose. I will always wish the best for you and your family. My mother gives me little updates about you just so I know you're okay. Obviously I want you to respond to this but I think it would be best for both of us if you did not. I put on a smiling face and a hard exterior shell for my friends and family but my interior is still extremely tender. If you would like to contact me when you feel there has been enough time where we are both ready, I would love to hear from you and hear where you end up. This sounds crazy but I have been avoiding bars in which I know your friends go to in fear of running into you despite you not liking to go out. That small chance scares the hell out of me. I am tearing up at work writing this. My grandfather scolded me and I think still likes you better than me. Sorry for rambling, I am reflecting and writing helps. You deserve the best. Hope all is well.
What do I do? I honestly love him so much, but I know he hasn't changed. He didn't even say sorry, or say he wants to get back together. Should I respond, or no?
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This is pretty "hooky" on his part. If you respond it will probably be more of the same game.
If you truly want closure re-read this e-mail he sent and your initial post about this situation. Maybe that will give you some clarity. Sometimes it help to be able to re-read what we have written.
If you truly want closure re-read this e-mail he sent and your initial post about this situation. Maybe that will give you some clarity. Sometimes it help to be able to re-read what we have written.
Originally Posted by kris101231
He just emailed me and said this:
I know I am about two weeks late but I honestly knew what sending this email meant. It is closure for both of us. I went out with xxx last night and told him how nice it was of you to reach out, in fact I was bragging a little about how mature you were with everything and how I received the nicest email. When I told him that I had not responded yet, he literally slapped me. The past two and a half years we shared fantastic memories. In typical fashion, I have done everything to not think about the breakup. Now reflecting back on it is healthy but it still pains me. I will never regret any of the time we spent together. You are the nicest, kindest soul and will be an amazing professional for whichever company you choose. I will always wish the best for you and your family. My mother gives me little updates about you just so I know you're okay. Obviously I want you to respond to this but I think it would be best for both of us if you did not. I put on a smiling face and a hard exterior shell for my friends and family but my interior is still extremely tender. If you would like to contact me when you feel there has been enough time where we are both ready, I would love to hear from you and hear where you end up. This sounds crazy but I have been avoiding bars in which I know your friends go to in fear of running into you despite you not liking to go out. That small chance scares the hell out of me. I am tearing up at work writing this. My grandfather scolded me and I think still likes you better than me. Sorry for rambling, I am reflecting and writing helps. You deserve the best. Hope all is well.
What do I do? I honestly love him so much, but I know he hasn't changed. He didn't even say sorry, or say he wants to get back together. Should I respond, or no?
I know I am about two weeks late but I honestly knew what sending this email meant. It is closure for both of us. I went out with xxx last night and told him how nice it was of you to reach out, in fact I was bragging a little about how mature you were with everything and how I received the nicest email. When I told him that I had not responded yet, he literally slapped me. The past two and a half years we shared fantastic memories. In typical fashion, I have done everything to not think about the breakup. Now reflecting back on it is healthy but it still pains me. I will never regret any of the time we spent together. You are the nicest, kindest soul and will be an amazing professional for whichever company you choose. I will always wish the best for you and your family. My mother gives me little updates about you just so I know you're okay. Obviously I want you to respond to this but I think it would be best for both of us if you did not. I put on a smiling face and a hard exterior shell for my friends and family but my interior is still extremely tender. If you would like to contact me when you feel there has been enough time where we are both ready, I would love to hear from you and hear where you end up. This sounds crazy but I have been avoiding bars in which I know your friends go to in fear of running into you despite you not liking to go out. That small chance scares the hell out of me. I am tearing up at work writing this. My grandfather scolded me and I think still likes you better than me. Sorry for rambling, I am reflecting and writing helps. You deserve the best. Hope all is well.
What do I do? I honestly love him so much, but I know he hasn't changed. He didn't even say sorry, or say he wants to get back together. Should I respond, or no?
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Kris- I keep sayings that I read and keep posting that hit home. I will post some comments that A's say please take what you want and leave the rest. The bottom line is you love him, but A's love Alcohol more then us. It hurts and I am sorry.
Recovering alcoholic here who took hostages quite often and here's what I'd think when I was a drunken SOB: Please keep carrying me. Please keep thinking you can save me. Please keep trying to rescue me. Because in doing so you don't even realize you are my hostage and under my control. I will suck every bit of self worth out of you. I will take you to the gates of insanity with me because I want the company. I will take you down into the deepest depths of misery possible.
An alcoholic will twist and turn and manipulate and tantrum and abuse and make up ......anything to keep drinking. That's the nature of the beast, its what we do and your husband is no different. Is it abusive? Of course it is.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it always gets worse if the alcoholic does not quit. Quitting does not make you not an alcoholic. There is a massive difference between stopping drinking and recovering. You don't need your husband to be "off the booze". You need him and you to admit that he will always be an alcoholic and to actively work on his and your recovery. During my Olympic drinking career I held a steady big job, ran charities and was a stand up guy. I was also a raging destructive alcoholic with huge problems. And....I was not drinking in the morning and hiding it like your husband. I have a hunch that his problem is much bigger than you think it is. For as long as he denies he is a helpless alcoholic he has virtually ZERO chance at recovery
His behavior is completely unacceptable and it is 100% typical of an alcoholic. We make terrible partners because - and this will be hard for you to hear - we love alcohol far more than we love our own partners. We will sacrifice anything, relationships with family, our business, our self respect, anything, to feed our addiction. We can't help it, alcohol takes over our brains and we do not think rationally. The ONLY way to break the ever spiraling situation is to stop drinking immediately and never drink again. Then with time we can learn to see straight again, think rationally again and eventually rebuild our lives.
Some people ask, how can an alcoholic be so sweet one moment and so abusive the next? I will answer this from my own experience. Did you ever know someone or watch a movie of a heroin or meth user who was a lovely person, charming and sweet, and then they shoot up and they are a totally unrecognizable abusive criminal mess? And its not really that surprising because we all know how powerful heroin is right?We know that the drug has control of them and they can do or say anything. Well, alcohol is every bit as strong. It is legal and can take years to take you that place.....but it will take you there alright. Your ex is well on his way to there.
Recovering alcoholic here who took hostages quite often and here's what I'd think when I was a drunken SOB: Please keep carrying me. Please keep thinking you can save me. Please keep trying to rescue me. Because in doing so you don't even realize you are my hostage and under my control. I will suck every bit of self worth out of you. I will take you to the gates of insanity with me because I want the company. I will take you down into the deepest depths of misery possible.
An alcoholic will twist and turn and manipulate and tantrum and abuse and make up ......anything to keep drinking. That's the nature of the beast, its what we do and your husband is no different. Is it abusive? Of course it is.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it always gets worse if the alcoholic does not quit. Quitting does not make you not an alcoholic. There is a massive difference between stopping drinking and recovering. You don't need your husband to be "off the booze". You need him and you to admit that he will always be an alcoholic and to actively work on his and your recovery. During my Olympic drinking career I held a steady big job, ran charities and was a stand up guy. I was also a raging destructive alcoholic with huge problems. And....I was not drinking in the morning and hiding it like your husband. I have a hunch that his problem is much bigger than you think it is. For as long as he denies he is a helpless alcoholic he has virtually ZERO chance at recovery
His behavior is completely unacceptable and it is 100% typical of an alcoholic. We make terrible partners because - and this will be hard for you to hear - we love alcohol far more than we love our own partners. We will sacrifice anything, relationships with family, our business, our self respect, anything, to feed our addiction. We can't help it, alcohol takes over our brains and we do not think rationally. The ONLY way to break the ever spiraling situation is to stop drinking immediately and never drink again. Then with time we can learn to see straight again, think rationally again and eventually rebuild our lives.
Some people ask, how can an alcoholic be so sweet one moment and so abusive the next? I will answer this from my own experience. Did you ever know someone or watch a movie of a heroin or meth user who was a lovely person, charming and sweet, and then they shoot up and they are a totally unrecognizable abusive criminal mess? And its not really that surprising because we all know how powerful heroin is right?We know that the drug has control of them and they can do or say anything. Well, alcohol is every bit as strong. It is legal and can take years to take you that place.....but it will take you there alright. Your ex is well on his way to there.
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Location: MA
Posts: 15
I truly appreciate the honest words and advice. Although I have accepted the fact that this is no longer the person I love - he has changed into someone else, I would love to let him know that I am concerned about him. I heard from friends that he has been making a fool out of himself while out and drinking since. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. Do you think it would be inappropriate to meet over coffee and just tell him that our great relationship failed because of the drinking? No one will tell him that they are concerned but me. Maybe he needs to hear the truth…I know that we may not get back together but I think I should speak my truth. Shouldn't I do that for someone I deeply care about?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Kris, My XAH is no longer the person I married 26 years ago either. He knows what he is doing. You are making him choose between alcohol and the family. In his mind he can live with out you but can't comprehend living without alcohol. You can not take it personally, it is an addiction. Love does not cure alcoholism, as hard as it nothing you say can change that. It's not that he doesn love you. Here are a few more "borrowed" posts that might explain from an A's point of view.
As a RA, I can tell you all that when I was using, I did love. I loved the alcohol. It was my lover, my friend, it made all the feelings go away...and then it turned on me. This RA drank to NOT feel anything. That was my goal. So when love gets talked about, I can relate on both sides, as I'm sure many people here can. I hated myself when I used, which pretty much made loving anybody else impossible. I think what I loved during those times was what people DID for me, not how they felt about me. The more you did for me, (to help me obtain what I wanted, which was to drink) the more I wanted you around. When that stopped, it was on to the next. I may have had some feeling of sadness, but, it was easy to drink those away too. It's a horrible disease.
I never stopped loving my family, but the thought of living without alcohol was so overwhelmingly terrifying I was willing to put my relationship with them at risk to keep drinking. That fear was absolutely irrational, but absolutely real.
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for a while ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out.. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
As a RA, I can tell you all that when I was using, I did love. I loved the alcohol. It was my lover, my friend, it made all the feelings go away...and then it turned on me. This RA drank to NOT feel anything. That was my goal. So when love gets talked about, I can relate on both sides, as I'm sure many people here can. I hated myself when I used, which pretty much made loving anybody else impossible. I think what I loved during those times was what people DID for me, not how they felt about me. The more you did for me, (to help me obtain what I wanted, which was to drink) the more I wanted you around. When that stopped, it was on to the next. I may have had some feeling of sadness, but, it was easy to drink those away too. It's a horrible disease.
I never stopped loving my family, but the thought of living without alcohol was so overwhelmingly terrifying I was willing to put my relationship with them at risk to keep drinking. That fear was absolutely irrational, but absolutely real.
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for a while ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out.. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
No.
Because he won't hear you and you are wasting your time.
Look if you aren't done with him and the relationship that is okay too. Sometimes we need to go through a lot more to finally get the closure.
If you are done though How about turning your truth towards you and take care of yourself?
Because he won't hear you and you are wasting your time.
Look if you aren't done with him and the relationship that is okay too. Sometimes we need to go through a lot more to finally get the closure.
If you are done though How about turning your truth towards you and take care of yourself?
Originally Posted by kris101231
I truly appreciate the honest words and advice. Although I have accepted the fact that this is no longer the person I love - he has changed into someone else, I would love to let him know that I am concerned about him. I heard from friends that he has been making a fool out of himself while out and drinking since. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. Do you think it would be inappropriate to meet over coffee and just tell him that our great relationship failed because of the drinking? No one will tell him that they are concerned but me. Maybe he needs to hear the truth…I know that we may not get back together but I think I should speak my truth. Shouldn't I do that for someone I deeply care about?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: MA
Posts: 15
Hi Earthworm - thank you. I guess you are right, it's time to look inward and just focus on myself.
Maia1234 - you have been incredible. It is so sad to read your posts, but exactly what I needed to hear. You hit the head on the nail - I'm coming from a place of love and not from a place of knowledge of what is best for him. I will try to keep this in mind.
Maia1234 - you have been incredible. It is so sad to read your posts, but exactly what I needed to hear. You hit the head on the nail - I'm coming from a place of love and not from a place of knowledge of what is best for him. I will try to keep this in mind.
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