LemonGirl

So glad I have this place to vent in! So... I was talking with a bestie of mine, telling her how hard it has been to abstain from contacting my recent xabf... because you know, I still love him, I still care, I want him to recover and get sober, I have hope, yadda, yadda, yadda....
She says, "You already thought about all the reasons why you should leave, and so you left him. And if you go back now, those same things will only come up again in a few months."
Ahh... she has ever been my voice of reason. LOVE her! She also suggested to "find something to do with my time to fill up the time I used to spend with him." And this, baffled the crap out of me!
On the one hand, I totally agree. Healthy and fulfilling things should help with this... but then, I've been reading some pretty profound material lately that ALL suggest that my need to fill up is the darn problem in the first place! I mean, can I not just shut off my stinky brain for two minutes and enjoy just being...? Why do I always feel like I am antsy and need to be doing something? Partly a single mom thing, I'm sure, but on the other hand, it is a constant ache!

Then I get to looking around at my room and thinking about all the stuff I need to do... (constant brain murmuring!) I sat down and made a list. It is a pretty long list of things that I "have" to get done. And it dawned on me....

The things on this list are things I have had on this list for quite a while. Well, most of them. So here I am, constantly busy not being able to just relax, and meanwhile, the things I really want to do are not getting done, and I am missing someone, who, has nothing to do with either, except, he filled my time... the precious time I needed to get the real stuff done. The stuff, that I was not getting done in order to keep myself locked in a perpetual state of wanting what I didn't have. I am the problem! Haha... He is the distraction. Still, really really hope he gets well, but in my codie mind, his problems are taking up more space than my own! And making this list has helped me see that =) Yay!

zoso77

Have you considered getting a massage?

I can tell you with 100% certainty that I would not have completed graduate school while working full time if I wasn't getting a massage every 10 days or so. For those 60-70 minutes, I was able to shut off my brain. And believe me, during those days and the days of dealing with my AXGF, my brain was going at warp speed.

So, I encourage you to think in terms of self care.

Good luck.

knowthetriggers

Good job! Taking the time to get things done was always hard for me as well. I was always consumed with fear and sorry about my AH.

But being busy can help keep your brain busy in other things, like your recovery.

One suggestion.....if you can just find 5 or 10 minutes a day to just sit and be quiet you will be amazed how relaxing that is. For me it took some practice but now I wouldn't give it up for the world!

Take care!

AnvilheadII

I remember when my daughter left for college (only child), I was suddenly faced with the REST of my life, the marriage I no longer wanted to be in, and well, ME. I didn't have the "busy mom" excuse any more......

any change can be unsettling. any absence of a person who had previously taken up a big chunk of our life, the silence, the vacancy, the TIME.

it sounds like you are on the right path. and your friend sounds like a true gift. carry on my dear, carry on!

dandylion

HMA...meditation would be perfect for you...

dandylion

LemonGirl

I have been thinking about meditation lately... to give my mind a break.

And actually doing the stuff that I want to get done, for me. Do you think that in a relationship it is completely fair for both persons to help work on each other's goals and problems? Is it that with addictions and alcoholism that that natural balance is just too one-sided? And as codies, it seems to me, that there is almost fear in believing that our own goals are worth the effort, or that our own problems are worth having some support for. Like some cyclical nonsense to keep us feeling alone.....

Hmm... food for thought!

lillamy

My brain is like a band of drunk teenagers, so I know what you're talking about.
The only thing that shuts my brain down is exercise. Put me on a bike or a treadmill and give me some good music and I can shut that bad boy up for as long as I'm sweating.

And I'm glad you have your friend. Everyone needs a friend who isn't afraid to call'em like she sees'em.

FlippedRHalo

You just explained my life at the moment perfectly HMA. Right there with you on all of it!

Lillamy, I'm laughing so hard over your mind being like a band of drunk teenagers! I can absolutely relate. I know I'm supposed to be "sitting with myself", but it's so hard to do when that thing just never shuts up or shuts down!

LemonGirl

If I can just get the non stop thinking to stop thinking about him and his problems and all the darn what ifs and possibilities so I can get on with the things that I need and want to do.... Can we "fill up" with ourselves?

NerdlyBeauty

HMA, let me tell you from experience, this takes time. I think when you're in a relationship with an alcoholic or an addict, your life becomes filled with either hating them, trying to help them, or trying to figure out what to do next. You completely forget who you are, what your needs are ,and how to have those needs met. That's what happened to me. It's going to take some time to remember who you are, and remember what you love to do. have you thought about finding any meetups in your area to explore your interests?