LilLost

Hi everyone.

This is my first post. I have so much I could say it would be a never ending post! But the reason for my post is I am hoping to get opinions on letter that I plan to give to my A partner.

Hey babe,


I am not going to meet a friend or my sister or whatever little white lie I decided to tell you to get out of the house this evening.


I have gone to an Al-Anon meeting. I am sure you told me about this before when you were going to AA but I have being looking into a lot of stuff online since your admitting that you have a problem with alcohol the other week.

I am in all honesty sick to death of being on this miserable merry go round of everything being fine for a few weeks (sometimes not even that) and then you being drunk and us arguing and lets be honest its me who ends up worse off.


The other week I really felt for you as I always do when you break down and tell me your struggling and I was determined to help you when you promised to not drink during the week - which you then did but then the next week and I was sooo PROUD but then you changed your story and you said no it was only one drink after work. I was so disappointed and sad. Then the next Monday you drank 3 cans (as if leaving that 4th can meant it was ok that it wasn't all of them) and this was whilst at a teetotallers house.


I think you know that night you threatened to smash the car up that I was really fed up of the S**T I face when you drink and that I was so close to saying F**K THIS - IM OFF, that you manipulated me into believing that once again you were willing to change. And since then there has been no mention from you about what you plan to do to stop this or help yourself and from what I have read online there is nothing I can do to help you and you have to want to help yourself.

Whether you want to admit it or not I believe you are a high functioning alcoholic. Apparently these types of alcoholics don't tend to feel they need to stop as they haven't hit rock bottom so they deny their drinking is a problem and only tend to stop when they crash and have ruined everything. I really don't want to have to witness this crash and neither do I want our children to either.


The only thing I feel I can do is to learn as much as I can from people who have been through this and prepare myself as much as possible for when/if your every ready to admit you need help to stop drinking. I have made the decision to stop drinking so that although I do not need to I will, so that you are not alone in this.


I am not going to nag you to stop drinking or force you to start going to AA. But I will not be buying you any drink from now on. I think you are really lucky to know two fantastic people that have been where you are and worse and come out the other side, I think you should definitely confide in them. They will not judge you or have a go at you or think less of you. They have been there and know how hard it is and how your feeling and could offer so much advice and help. I cant do that, I don't have the same relationship with alcohol that you do but I am here and will be here but I hope you can understand that I need help too in dealing with this as it is a big issue in our relationship that as far as I can see is only going to get worse before it gets better. All I am asking right now is that you read this letter and think really seriously about where you go from here as I cant make those decisions for you.


I think I have been in denial as much as you as it was much easier to pretend to myself and everyone else that there is no problem than to admit it and deal with the result of that which hasn't really helped the matter. I love you more that you will ever believe and so do your kids. I am terrified that they will end up without a dad one way or another. Its not just what the drink is doing to you and our relationship that worries me but your health - I want to grow old and grey and wrinkly with you.


I am doing this for you and for me and our children as well because I love you - admittedly more so when sober than drunk but yet I am still here.

Is this a good idea? Am I saying anything wrong? Am I going about this the right way? As you can probably tell I am a little bit confused and want to help but I don't know if this is the best thing to do???????

Your help and advise would be much appreciated

lillamy

Hi there, and welcome! I'm glad you're going to Al-Anon, and I'm glad you're here. That combination was really helpful for me when I was married to an alcoholic.

I don't know that I can say anything terribly intelligent about your letter -- I don't know much about you, your history, or your husband... but I guess the question I might ask is: "Why are you writing the letter?" Or, maybe "What do you expect from him when he reads it?"

I'm asking because I found that often, I did things because I expected a certain response from AXH -- and then when he didn't react the way I wanted him to, I was disappointed.

If you're writing him just to inform him that you are going to Al-Anon, that he's an alcoholic, and that it would behoove him to get help -- great. If you're expecting him to say "You're right, I need to go to AA" or "I'm sorry I've been abusive to you when I've been drunk" or even "I will respect the boundaries you set" you may be setting yourself up for disappointment.

So, if any advice at all, mine would probably be: Make clear to yourself why you are writing this, and what you expect will come out of it.

And please, hang around here. There are a lot of smart, experienced, loving people here who have been where you are. We all come at this from slightly different angles, but the underlying problem we've fought has been the same one you're facing.

LilLost

I'm not sure I just felt I needed to get it all out on paper as if I tried to tell him we would probably argue about it or he would ridicule me (one of his defence mechanism) and make me question if I really needed to go. I am not hoping for anything but needed to let him know how I feel and how his drinking is not just affecting him but me and his children.

Santa

I think it's fine...I used to do the same. I know he read them, sometimes I'd get a response and sometimes I'd just hear him sniffling at his desk. They had at most a 1-day effect on my ex's behavior.

So do it to feel that you expressed yourself the way you wanted to. Just don't expect it will bring about real change. I wrote lots and lots of these types of letters the last 5 years of my marriage.

lillamy

So this is sort of a red flag to me. My ex used to do the same thing when I brought up something that was important to me. Ridicule me or talk and talk and talk until he had turned my arguments around and I was exhausted and agreed with him.

That may be his "defense mechanism" -- but it is also an abusive tactic that is used to control people. You are very understanding of his sayings and doings -- are you paying attention to how those verbal smackdowns make YOU feel? I found that even if I could understand what AXH was doing, it didn't help the fact that I felt confused and hurt and stupid -- which I knew I was NOT.

I think it's important for him to know that his drinking is affecting not just you but also your children. Just be prepared that he might not believe you. I know I had one of my roughest discussions with AXH when I pointed out that his drinking was affecting our kids. He refused to believe me and basically turned it around on me, blaming me for some problems the kids were having.

I'm feeling for you, because I remember only too well how frightening it was to not feel comfortable talking to AXH because I was afraid of how he would react. I hope if you do give him the letter that it has the effect you hope.

Godismyrock

Dear LilLost.
I think the letter is a good idea. Other posters on SR have expressed concern about their own history/their side of the fence with their A. They were concerned that maybe early on in the disease they didn't express to their A that they truly do love them and want the best for them. So much garbage starts to happen as the A disease and our disease progresses that our compassion and our sympathy gets covered by anger. Giving him this letter will give you confidence that you did express your love and compassion and you won't wonder about that should it ever come to that.
Hugs!

Godismyrock

I also appreciate that you kept the letter on mostly "I" statements, instead of focusing on him and his actions.

knowthetriggers

Hi, glad you are here!

I used to write letters to my AH all the time. And as others mentioned I might have gotten a response. Over the years I took that pent up energy and frustration and I wrote in my journal. That way I could really fire it off. Never failed that I would start off so angry and end the entry a little softer.

Take care of you and keep coming back.