TerpGal

Forgiveness or letting go of resentments. There is this really deep seated, almost unshakeable belief that I have that if I forgive someone, I have to "forgive and forget" or that if I forgive someone, I am condoning their behavior. I don't understand WHY I can't get past this. I KNOW those I have resentment toward aren't losing any sleep because I am harboring grudges against them. I KNOW that. But there is still this little voice that if I let go of that stuff, I will open myself to attack from them again.

dandylion

TerpGal...you are trying to rush things. To "forgive"....you have to be ready to, if ever.
This can take a long time...as it has to do more with developing yourself to self-actualization more than anything.
This can take years, in some cases.
When you reach the proper time...it is, then, easy to do.

If you don't mind my saying so...patience does not seem to be your strongest suit...LOL!

dandylion

marie1960

Letting go and forgiving the injustices caused by others, is not an invitation back into your life.

Forgiving allows you the opportunity to go forward without carrying around a bunch of painful baggage, hard to go forward when we are living in the past!

Santa

I don't think you actually have to let them know that you forgive them. I am NC with my ex and I've forgiven him in my heart. Doesn't mean I don't get incensed all over again thinking of some of the stuff he put me through or that I'll ever necessarily speak to him again. The forgiveness isn't for him; it's for me.

knowthetriggers

http://M.Wikihow.com/Forgive-Yourself

Hope this link works!

A long time ago I was hurt to the core with a very abusive boyfriend. When we broke up I thought dirt was better than me. He really did a number on me...4 years of my life gone and for what?? A dead end relationship.

I had to learn to build myself back up. I read a book called "How to Forgive Yourself". This was years ago and the best link I could find is above. Not the book but still a good read.

Take care of you!!

TerpGal

You're right dandy, it isn't lol. In certain situations, like with my patients at work, I am VERY patient, but when it comes to this stuff.........I guess I just want to be through all this stuff. I am afraid I will be 80 at the end of my life still not over all of this.

Eddiebuckle

Resentments at their core center around unmet expectations. Regardless whether they are realistic or not, we make our expectations and need to recognize our part in it. I heard this quote once: "Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past." It is a letting go of the expectation we had, and ceasing to hold the person culpable for that past expectation. Ultimately though, the person freed in this act is ourself - we have been trapped in a cycle of anger and resentment, trapped rehashing the past. Until we let go, we cannot move forward.

Jodie77

Terpgal,

I see you're from Maryland...I live here as well. I don't usually comment but I wanted to say that in a recent Alanon meeting I said THE EXACT SAME thing you just posted about if you forgive you open yourself up to be hurt by them again. I think verbatim that is what I said. In any case I feel exactly the same way myself, and I'm not sure how to "forgive" without letting the A back into my life to destroy me once again.

amy55

Forgiveness is for you, not him. I forgave my ex, because it was like taking poison each day and hoping it would kill him. It wasn't, it was killing me. It was all resentments, resentments are poison. I expected him to treat me like a human. He didn't, I resented it. So I let go of all that and I can pity him for the person he is, I will never forget. I can live in peace now and not carry around those resentments.

Doesn't mean that if he ever showed up at my door that I forgive him. I would kick his azz so quickly into the gutter he crawled out of.

Forgiveness is for you.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

NerdlyBeauty

Amy, you're awesome <3

NYCDoglvr

Anytime I have a resentment I ask myself: "what's my part in this?" If I feel resentful towards a person, did I do or say something to cause the problem? In the case of the ex I picked him and chose to stay far to long. For me it's the fastest way to melt a resentment. Another suggestion is to pray for the person every day for a few weeks. Pray for their health, happiness and prosperity.

Hangnbyathread

Good topic. In some ways learning what AC is has allowed me some latitude towards at the least understanding some of the actions. Which is a step toward forgiveness. But I have had to learn how the word forgiveness plays out in my vocabulary vs. others. I was raised that when you forgive, you absolve the one that violated you of the wrong. OK I forgive you for spilling my drink. And its over and there are truly no hard feelings. I am not there at that level when it comes to all things.

For others, as pointed out here, forgiveness is for them, not for the one that harmed. Not saying that is my view on it, but it does allow me to understand that each of us defines it in our own ways. I watched a show once where a mother forgave the person who murdered her son. I will tell you right now whole hardheartedly, that takes a strength I do not posses. That doesn't mean I'm weaker then her or etc. It just means she and I view forgiveness from a different world.

I can't forgive some things my XAGF did to me and to us as a result of her drinking. But I can at least say because it was a product of her drinking, I can at least forgive her because she was not in control of herself while drinking. Not trying to cop out, nor forget nor say its OK or acceptable, but at the least find some ground to not want to hate her forever. When I reached that point, I felt better about me and know beyond all of that that I didn't wish her ill will in her life going forward.

However I didn't want her in it anymore. I had a responsibility to me to establish what is acceptable to me in a relationship. If that is violated, forgiveness is not going to make that better. It would just become a coping mechanism for me. Like you I felt like forgiving her, just made her actions seem like they were rationalized away.

I hope she kicks alcohol. That is where my forgiveness is felt. It has wrecked her life. If she didn't have this disease she would be an amazing woman. Whether she does or not doesn't change what it did to us. But I have compassion for her and the struggle she faces.

That is as close to forgiveness as I can find for me.

lillamy

Let me tag on to this:

I have found that the person I have the hardest time forgiving is myself.
I really liked Eddybuckle's post -- the thing I really have to forgive my ex for is not living up to my expectations. That's comparatively easy for me.
Forgiving myself for continuing to have those expectations and not realizing that he would never be the person I wanted him to be -- for 20 years... I have a hard time forgiving myself for that.

freetosmile

Here is the way I look at resentments. When we have company over, I will often grab all the clutter and shove it into a room that guests can't see and close the door. It's a horrible mess behind that door, bur I'll deal with it after company has left.
I view my resentments like that messy room. I WANT to close the door on it ...BUT i know i can't just get rid of the stuff, because that stuff is what makes me who i am. So i should at least do myself the favor of making sure the room is nice and tidy before i close the door on it. Then i can be at peace with all my "junk"...because yes, it is MY junk...but i can close the door with love in my heart.

hugs!

NerdlyBeauty

Getting over this stuff takes a long time, especially if the A you were involved with is abusive. Me...I HATE my AXBF and all the awful crap he did to me, and how it negatively impacted our son. I am PISSED OFF, and I will be for a loooong time. But you know what? I am using that anger to motivate myself to become a stronger person, and a better mother. I am using my anger to overcome my own weaknesses and fears. this experience has taught me that I am ONE TOUGH BITCH, pardon my expletives. . I trust my own instincts, and 99% they are on-point. I don't get confused because I don't listen to anyone but myself. Since I don't really have too much support in real life, I come here for support, and I use my experiences to support others. All that pressure turns coal into diamonds, so shine on!

meggem

I know what you mean. I have trouble with it too. Try praying for them. If you pray. I've done that before and I have definitely felt a shift in my feelings..

AnvilheadII

we tend to hold onto things that we have placed VALUE upon. be that photos, or momentos, baby teeth or ANGER.

forgiveness is a PROCESS. we have to walk over the path again, revisit the old hurts, the events, and view it all with objectivity, see all sides, not just our own. we have to decide if what happened is truly something we WANT to forgive, let go of, relinquish. and then do a gut check on whether we have the capacity to DO so.

we've carried resentments around for SOME reason....or many reasons. some are based on messed up thinking, but others have real validity. if someone has truly HURT us, our anger and resentment helps to protect us, helps us stay away from them, not want to see them, want them out of our lives. that should not be ignored. but must be transferred into healthy BOUNDARIES. making a silk purse out of a sow's ear.....

hopeful4

Oh girl....I don't think you have to forgive AND FORGET. I did forgive, but ultimately I did it for me so that I don't carry the resentments around. The anger dissipated in time. I won't forget, ever I would say. I just don't let that run my life.

Tight hugs, give it time.

Hawks

When you can say, I don't care what you did, said or may ever say or do in the future, I will love you as a fellow human being..... That's forgiveness.

That's how God loves and forgives us.