is this verbal abuse
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
pinkpeony You are very welcome , I know it has helped me so much to read what others are on this forum are going thru we ALL share so many things in common and we are all in different stages of denial and acceptance and just how to survive this and how to hopefully come thru it and one day get back having to some kind of normal peaceful home for our selves and for a lot of us our children. I don't think I would recognize normal anymore, Its hard to let go of what I had but for me and my daughters what we had has been gone for a while now. He kinda looks familiar but the closer you look its like he is just empty inside. Pinkpeony , Try to think about it like this the next time he start playing poor poor me and telling you EVERYTHING you do or have done wrong. Remember that this is just a symptom of his addiction it is what they ALL do they blame shift they don't want to feel ANYTHING that might be the slightest bit uncomfortable much less painful so they dump it on us! they will do anything to keep from having to feel guilt or shame its sick and evil how mean they can be and with my AH it has gotten to where he is always suspisious of me and he treats me like he has to get me before I get him the thing is though I am NOT TRYING TO GET HIM! but in his mind that's what I am doing, they are the ones who have shown they cant be trusted but they act as if we cant be trusted and if I say anything about him not paying the mortgage payments for a year and never telling me or making our daughter cry on her 11th birthday anything negative he does or has done I am told that I am bringing up the past ! And I need to learn how to let go and move on! and I do believe he is right about that I need to let go of HIM and move on from HIM . He is gonna regret that piece of advice but seriously it is unbelievable how far they will go to keep from taking ANY responsibility for ANY thing bad that they do. I had a doctors apt and it was in an area of town that I was not familiar with and he offered to take me now our kids were also with us and outside of the office building they have lots of big shade trees and walking trails and pretty water fountain that you can throw coins in to make a wish it was a beautiful day and I ask him to walk around out side with the girls they would enjoy that much more than boring waiting room he agrees but keeps them in car the whole time then LEAVES goes back to our house with kids I come out to find they are gone! call him and he says they are on way back and hangs up then the whole way home he lectures ME about how I want to be unhappy and how I do this on purpose I start fights so that we want be able to have fun together!?!? The trick here is you have to see this for what it really is they become like sad spoiled little brats throwing temper tantrums and stomping their feet its just pathetic and so desperate ignoring him will really push his buttons and it can get almost funny at how stupid they will get. He wants to get you upset, emotional crying or mad either one works and then he can look at you and calmly say look at yourself look at what YOU are doing! Try this just try to be numb to everything he says to push your buttons and then very calmly say I am not going to do this with you , I do not need to do this and then walk away or suggest that if this how he really feels maybe he should look into some therapy to work out some of his problems and walk away but STAY calm don't raise your voice DONT let him know he is bothering you that's the thing I have noticed works best with mine but most important always do what is safest for you and you know that better than I do And remember he is throwing a fit about things that really having NOTHING to do with you HE is mad and angry with his self but taking it out on you! until he deals with his own crap its not gonna get better. I will keep you in my thoughts! and any time you need to talk I will listen , I wish there was more I could say or do but there is just nothing about this that's easy. good luck!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 213
Hi loli,
Sorry you're feeling so unsure, that is how it works. Finally stick up and say something, only to be told your the crazy, controlling one. Or at least, in my situation. You said you told him not to drink a certain point, he did and tried to prove it didn't affect him.
Can you ask then...... "why are you drinking that much if it isn't doing anything???
He probably believes if there isn't a screaming match with you crying your eyes out then what is the problem? I know mine thinks that way. And, it's probably my fault because, the only time I had the gumption to say something is if there was a huge fight or something traumatic happen. Otherwise, I felt guilty for confronting him.
He's pretty good at turning things around.
Xoxo hope these great people can help you out.
Sorry you're feeling so unsure, that is how it works. Finally stick up and say something, only to be told your the crazy, controlling one. Or at least, in my situation. You said you told him not to drink a certain point, he did and tried to prove it didn't affect him.
Can you ask then...... "why are you drinking that much if it isn't doing anything???
He probably believes if there isn't a screaming match with you crying your eyes out then what is the problem? I know mine thinks that way. And, it's probably my fault because, the only time I had the gumption to say something is if there was a huge fight or something traumatic happen. Otherwise, I felt guilty for confronting him.
He's pretty good at turning things around.
Xoxo hope these great people can help you out.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by lolitalola 
He is not an alcoholic though so I feel it is me. .
Either way, Im thinkin theres some misunderstanding of what an alcoholic is.
What gracieLou posted up above here a bit....Described me pretty dam good( we're you following me or know one of my exes????).
And what happened is everything got worse for them exes.
Until they became my exes.
There's a whole lot of experience here and I highly suggest taking the advise on the solutions from these people ASAP.
And the first thing is get out of denial and stop thinking its all you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 303
FYI: it is common for narcissists to "project" onto you what they are actually doing. Accusing you of cheating? They are probably cheating. Saying you are a terrible mother? They are most likely a terrible father.
If he's calling you a bully, he's most likely actually calling half that.
If he's calling you a bully, he's most likely actually calling half that.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
Originally Posted by lolitalola
I have no idea..it happens when I disagree with something he says. I generally apologize and try to keep the peace and can see I am wrong. But I didn't see unless be tells me. If I have any problems he tells me ialways have problems. ifi cry he tells me I am sulking or always depressed. And bring him down. I just wish he would be compassionate but it never happens.
He googled emotional bully the other night. I had asked him not to drink over a certain amount. He had drank over quite a lot of hours his point was he wasn't affected. I jus didnt want to deal with him needing to have more. I thought it was a boundary. .if he had more to sleep on the couch upstairs. He called me a bully 20 times over and over. He read this wife being an emotional bully link out loud. It hurt me so much.
This morning I tried to tell him it hurt me. His answer was he was hurt and he wouldn't be abused. He is starting to say I am abusive in front of our children. I am at a loss. He says counselors are useless. I just feel there is no point trying to communicate. He says I am the abusive one..
He googled emotional bully the other night. I had asked him not to drink over a certain amount. He had drank over quite a lot of hours his point was he wasn't affected. I jus didnt want to deal with him needing to have more. I thought it was a boundary. .if he had more to sleep on the couch upstairs. He called me a bully 20 times over and over. He read this wife being an emotional bully link out loud. It hurt me so much.
This morning I tried to tell him it hurt me. His answer was he was hurt and he wouldn't be abused. He is starting to say I am abusive in front of our children. I am at a loss. He says counselors are useless. I just feel there is no point trying to communicate. He says I am the abusive one..
If he drinks & berates you in public could some one have him kicked out of a bar or even arrested?
Sounds like he deflecting and resents being called out for potential alcoholism. It might not just be the alcohol maybe there are some character issues which come out while drinking.
I wouldn't necessarily apologize but I would not engage him either because you don't know what happens if he throws a violent tantrum. Have an alkie time bomb in the family and it's best not to engage in an argument or debate.
Stay safe!
Good Luck
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
If you don't want to call him that, fine, but reading your previous threads there is definitely a drinking problem there, and a compulsion to drink, even if it doesn't happen every night. He's hiding his drinking, can't and won't stop when he's binging, is shifting blame so he can continue. You don't have detailed negotiations about how much he'll drink with a normal person.
Your main issue as I see it is domestic abuse. When you said he looked up bullying, I thought he was referring to himself. He's the bully, but he's turning it onto you. How can you protect yourself and the children from this abuse?
You could stop monitoring his drinking. He will drink whenever he wants, and will turn it against you if you try to stop him. You sound like you've become hyper vigilant about how much he drinks, and it's like a parent- naughty child relationship.
You could try calling the DV helpline. DV is not just physical, bullying (his) is absolutely within their scope, and they may be able to point you towards resources to help you cope.
Don't let him drive you to a breakdown. Try and find advice and support from your community and mental health professionals. You may even have to consider separating from him if he is creating an unhealthy atmosphere for the children.
Your main issue as I see it is domestic abuse. When you said he looked up bullying, I thought he was referring to himself. He's the bully, but he's turning it onto you. How can you protect yourself and the children from this abuse?
You could stop monitoring his drinking. He will drink whenever he wants, and will turn it against you if you try to stop him. You sound like you've become hyper vigilant about how much he drinks, and it's like a parent- naughty child relationship.
You could try calling the DV helpline. DV is not just physical, bullying (his) is absolutely within their scope, and they may be able to point you towards resources to help you cope.
Don't let him drive you to a breakdown. Try and find advice and support from your community and mental health professionals. You may even have to consider separating from him if he is creating an unhealthy atmosphere for the children.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ayer, MA
Posts: 87
Originally Posted by Hammer
Sure.
I recall when she came home from Rehab and was screaming at me and the kids . . . and I was being Verbally Abusive.
Oh wait a minute. No, I was not.
Other times I have Eating Disorder(s) and also Personality Disorders.
Oh wait a minute. No, I did not.
Anything about *them* that they cannot bear -- you probably must have.
Part of the Mental Illness.
Here is the background >>>
Psychological projection - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
I recall when she came home from Rehab and was screaming at me and the kids . . . and I was being Verbally Abusive.
Oh wait a minute. No, I was not.
Other times I have Eating Disorder(s) and also Personality Disorders.
Oh wait a minute. No, I did not.
Anything about *them* that they cannot bear -- you probably must have.
Part of the Mental Illness.
Here is the background >>>
Psychological projection - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
lmao
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 47
I am so sorry I can't answer posts individually as am only phone on vacation.
But I thank you for all the wisdom from the bottom of my heart. I don't see him as an alcoholic. He can go days without and then can moderate for weeks. Atm it is peaceful. I am just being quiet until we get home. After a massive bender he did try aa but said they told him he doesn't fit in.
He was blaming me for what he said in front of the kids but has finally taken ownership. Said he was going to do counselling when we got back.
He came over to try and kiss me I turned away so he said he wouldn't bother trying. The last 2 days have been a nightmare I am in shock and do feel like I am a nervous wreck, and this is his nonverbal effort.
It is out of character and I kno an earlier poster was right... When I try to control the excess drinking he takes it as an attack and gets so vicious. I just can't seem to help it as his behaviour sucks after a certain amount... Hence the counting. He is not a happy drinker.
But he seems to be getting worse and worse. Its never been this bad before. I have 2 kids about to start school so amjust keeping quiet arm.
But I thank you for all the wisdom from the bottom of my heart. I don't see him as an alcoholic. He can go days without and then can moderate for weeks. Atm it is peaceful. I am just being quiet until we get home. After a massive bender he did try aa but said they told him he doesn't fit in.
He was blaming me for what he said in front of the kids but has finally taken ownership. Said he was going to do counselling when we got back.
He came over to try and kiss me I turned away so he said he wouldn't bother trying. The last 2 days have been a nightmare I am in shock and do feel like I am a nervous wreck, and this is his nonverbal effort.
It is out of character and I kno an earlier poster was right... When I try to control the excess drinking he takes it as an attack and gets so vicious. I just can't seem to help it as his behaviour sucks after a certain amount... Hence the counting. He is not a happy drinker.
But he seems to be getting worse and worse. Its never been this bad before. I have 2 kids about to start school so amjust keeping quiet arm.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 106
Originally Posted by happybeingme
Hi loli, I am glad you reached out. I want to make something clear. If you are asking if you are really the abuser the answer is NO! But, your husband is. It is not healthy, normal or ok for him to put you down, insult you or belittle your feelings or attempts to communicate. It is also abusive of him to do so in front of your children.
I know it is confusing to be treated this way by someone who is supposed to love you but that is why he is doing it. He wants to keep you confused. He wants you to walk on eggshells. As long as you do he can keep hurting you.
The kids unfortunately are hurt and confused by his treatment of you. Later they will start to get angry at you for accepting it. Later still, they will start treating you the same. Then, they will go on to treat their boyfriends/girlfriends the same way or they themselves will also find partners that treat them the same way you are being treated.
Please seek out help.
I know it is confusing to be treated this way by someone who is supposed to love you but that is why he is doing it. He wants to keep you confused. He wants you to walk on eggshells. As long as you do he can keep hurting you.
The kids unfortunately are hurt and confused by his treatment of you. Later they will start to get angry at you for accepting it. Later still, they will start treating you the same. Then, they will go on to treat their boyfriends/girlfriends the same way or they themselves will also find partners that treat them the same way you are being treated.
Please seek out help.
she did say sorry but but there was just no emotion AT ALL she just looked like she didn't know what to do it was sad.I am taking them both to go with me to talk to someone even if they don't think this is effecting them I KNOW it is and ALL three of us need some help learning how to process all kinds of emotions we are having , I am an adult and this is very confusing to me so I know they are confused.
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