Do all A's abuse?
 

Question on abuse. Do all A's abuse? I was in a horrific relationship with an A for 5 years and the things he said were down right shocking:

"You're just another mouth to feed"
"You're a dirtball"
"You're the most boring person I've ever dated"
"My dad makes more money than both of your parents combined"
"My kids never loved you"
"I hope the next guy you date likes spray tan and cellulite"
"I hope your plane crashes"
"You're a f$&*# hillbilly"
"You're just an actress" (when I would cry)
"Don't let it ruin your day" (after he'd same mean things)
It's not my fault you don't have kids; I have 3 beautiful children. Have fun with your dog today."
And there's so much more....
He even started blackmailing me towards the end.

Is this a result of alcohol and cocaine use or is he just an evil, abusive pig without drugs? He was sooooo wonderful when we fist started dating--compassionate, generous, selfless, accommodating, etc. Then he began breaking up with me every few months then begging for me back with flowers, promises, etc. He always blamed it in on drug use (the abuse). It was a never ending cycle until he dumped me off the crazy train again.

And so here I am...picking up the pieces again.

No, not all alcoholics are abusive. My AH isn't. I'm sorry you've had to experience verbal abuse. You don't deserve it. No one does.

I'm going to go with "he's an evil, abusive pig" on this one.

Yes, some alcoholics get mean when they drink, but many don't,
and I think few "normal" people would spout such horrible toxic BS drunk or sober.

Man, you are lucky to be out of that asshat's orbit. . .

I think most A's lie to themselves and often hate the dependency of addiction and impulse control so they (myself included - I abused cocaine and alcohol many years ago and it made me an aggressive hurtful person) repeatedly hurt those closest to them

If he was abusing cocaine and alcohol this would only intensify his anger, aggression and self loathing. Only with quitting drugs and alcohol would you see any sign of realistic improvement

If he has not sought help he will continue to ruin everything and everyone in his life. You can only change how you deal with this addict. I wish you only happiness and health in the future.Please know you have mine, and the entire SR group, here to support you

Be Well

I think some do, some dont.

Mine did (verbal and emotional - in fact some of the things your H says, mine did too).

But he also has a personality disorder.....

Of course, if he'd started saying those ugly things when you and he first started dating, you'd have dropped him like a hot potato.

I love the quote:

"When the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say."

Please re-read the quote. Best to you!

Jodie77....this was definitely a cycle of abuse.

Abusers are often very charming and intense in the beginning of a relationship. Until they are sure that they "have you". He knew what he was doing.....that is why they are able to contain their "abusive behavior" to the right situations and right times (for them).

This kind of stuff is very deep seated.

If you are interested in more...you might want to read some of the more popular books on it. I also suggest reading "The saber-tooth Tiger"--this one is more for the dynamics of the victim. You can find a list of well recommended books on amazon.
Also, do a google search for "Cycle of Abuse". There are several good websites.

It doesn't matter what ALL alcoholics do...it matters that this alcoholic did this to you.
It was wrong of him to do it. You didn't cause it or deserve it.

dandylion

No, not all addicts are like that.

My AH only said ugly things when I backed him into a corner, his way is lashing out. He has never and I mean never raised a hand to me or the kids and if I would just learn to stop the badgering he would not lash out at me. He has more patience with me than I do with him.

However, way before I meet my AH I did date someone who was not an alcoholic that was verbally and sometimes physically abusive.

So my take on this is, it could be the alcohol or it could just be who he is.

I don't know you but I would bet you are a pretty awesome person. Don't stop believing that and don't let him tear you down!!

**{Hugs}}

Not sure.

I think my XAH is possibly borderline or narcissistic. He was actually less verbally abusive while self-medicating. But most of what you wrote above has been spewed at me.

My grandfather was a recovering A, and although he always had a controlling worrisome personality, my mother says he was in no way abusive. She believes he also self-medicated with alcohol because of his anxiety, which led to alcoholism. He was in AA for 30 years.

In the end, it doesn't really matter what it is or where it began-- unacceptable is unacceptable. It is up to us to choose recovery for ourselves and what we are going to allow into our lives. I decided that listening to that garbage was slowly killing me.

That's a new one to me. I love it. Thanks!

I found this quote on instagram and it's now my signature line! I love it!!

Thank you everyone! I've been having a very, very difficult time understanding why he treated me the way he did, and also why I tolerated it for so long. I think Dandilion mentioned "trauma bonding" in a previous post, and that pretty much sums it up.

This person has absolutely rocked my world emotionally and psychologically, and now the healing begins. I'm still looking for answers on the "whys" though.

I always appreciate all of your insight and support. You are all such a big part in my healing, and for that I thank you.

My XABF was verbally abusive at times. Sometimes he would pick a fight with me. I could always tell it was coming when he started with "May I ask you a question?" I knew that he was going to bring up some little thing I did and it didn't matter what I said in response, I was in for a full-on verbal assault. Usually this was over the phone and if I hung up, he would call me again, maybe apologize and then start lashing out at me all over again. Examples of my transgressions included: asking him not to put his well-used overnight bag on my white bedding, not allowing shoes on my (brand new, dark click-and-float hardwood) floors. He absolutely could not comprehend that shoes bring in dirt and tiny pebbles which 1) scratch flooring and 2) track in dirt and allergens which make me sick.

One night we got in an argument over something and he decided he was leaving my house. He stomped upstairs and then I heard something hit the floor. I was mad and shouted from downstairs, "Stop throwing things!" He got mad, stormed down the stairs and said, "You shut up or...." He didn't finish the sentence so I said, "Or what?" "Or I'll punch you in the face." I made him leave then and while he was getting his stuff together I stood there and stared at him from no closer than 10 feet. The whole time I was thanking goodness that because of my regular gym visits I felt fairly certain that I could out-sprint him for a brief minute. I'm sad and embarrassed to say that was not the end of our relationship.

So while I don't think all alcoholics are abusive, I do think that alcohol disinhibits people's behavior so that they act in ways that would not be socially permissible (including abuse).

He would break up with me on birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, etc.

One time he said "you're a drag both literally and figuratively."
I said, "Oh so you're calling me boring AND a drag queen?"
He said, "There you go again reading into things."

Well then WTF did he mean??

Not to be ugly but who cares what he means! He is full of hot air in my book!

Jodie....he meant "I want to hurt you". (and, he did).

dandylion

My late XAH wasn't abusive. He was more a bump on a log who didn't do anything. Anything at all. Well, except drink and make excuses. (The "I'm so exhausted" drove me batty... especially when I'd been on call for the last 30 hours on my feet...) But no, he was never abusive, well, except to himself.

But yours, yeah, that's awful. So he's gone now? Or just until he begs and pleads his way back?

Jodie,

My ex was abusive, everything that you wrote was said to me, perhaps in different ways, but they were all said. I remember once my ex decided to go to therapy because I was leaving him, because I was too afraid to live with him. He saw this therapist about 4 times before she wanted to meet me. I brought a list of 143 things that he had said to me, similar to what was said to you. She told me that's not the person that she sees. She gave him the list and asked him if he agreed with it. He said all but maybe 1 or 2 things.

You really are lucky to be out of that relationship. The abuse gets worse. Once the words don't hurt, they will get violent, because they need to have that control.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy

Hi Jodie, I was an alcoholic for two decades and unfortunately most of my closest friends also are (something I just recently realised). Virtually all alcoholics are self centered because the addiction requires it.
I would say most are not abusive in the way you have outlined. Of the 5 or 6 alcoholics I know none of them would speak to a partner that way and if any of us ever heard someone abusing their partner that way we would not tolerate it. But abuse takes many forms....not being home to support your partner and help him or her manage the household is a form of abuse also for example.
I could see how that kind of abuse could really destroy your sense of worth and lead you to a deeply unhappy place and you do not and should not have to tolerate it.