Do all A's abuse?

Old 01-20-2015, 05:46 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Oh and when I asked him about why he left his wife he said, "She was wearing sweat pants around the house too much." Huh?? That's why he left his marriage? He also told my brother the same thing, "Your sister wears sweat pants around the house all the time." Wtf! Who cares?

I'll never forget one Sunday I was reading a book relaxing at his house in my black sweats. He said to me, "my mom is coming over. Will you change into something nicer?!"
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Old 01-20-2015, 06:09 AM
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I still remember my ex fiancé telling me something one day, and what I remember is change of expression on her face.
" Tom, you can be the most loving man I ever met, but when you drink you are nothing but evil and that evil is starting to happen even when you're not drinking."

Pretty common for me to start a relationship with that loving, caring man being there even when drinking. But in time the Mask would come off. A true Jekyll and hyde.
I've typed a lil on here about how I used to be who I used to be. Deep down in, under all the denial, under all the blaming, under all the extremely disgusting mental and emotional abuse I dished out,I absolutley 100% hated myself. I hated who I was and hiw I treated people.
Early on in my drinking I could be the happy drunk and very rarely got blackout rage.
There were times I would be off the wall insane- I don't think I need to give an example as I'm sure ya's can come up with one- and inside not liking what I was doing or saying but completely unable to stop myself.
But it wasn't always like that. As time went on and I sunk deeper into the mental and emotional effects( or affects?) of alcoholism when I was drinking I was nothing but evil.
And It was getting more and more without alcohol.
I was never one straight was throughout my drinking existence. There were times I stopped drinking( but only for very short periods) and the angry,evil man would be disappearing. But then I'd pick up again. And the way I treated people ( not just my hostages) got worse every time.

Best move any woman I was ever with did was to step off the crazy train and not get back on.

P.s.
Getting sober I found the causes. Many different causes, but the main was fear. Low self esteem. Wee but of an ego problem,too(yeah yeah..I know....it was more than wee bit). and none of them women could fix me.
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Old 01-20-2015, 06:21 AM
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tomsteve. TY very much for your post. When I see a RA that truly seems to get it, can own it and can articulate it, it gives us all hope that there is a path to the other side for the AC. If my XAGF could have ever gotten to your point, we could maybe have made it.

I wish every recovery program would introduce the recovering family members to ONE of you in the process early on. I find people like you motivational to the process. We can see the end of your journey, from the start of ours.
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Old 01-20-2015, 07:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Hangnbyathread View Post
tomsteve. TY very much for your post. When I see a RA that truly seems to get it, can own it and can articulate it, it gives us all hope that there is a path to the other side for the AC. If my XAGF could have ever gotten to your point, we could maybe have made it.

I wish every recovery program would introduce the recovering family members to ONE of you in the process early on. I find people like you motivational to the process. We can see the end of your journey, from the start of ours.
Thank you. I have been in AA and sober now over 9 years. Until recently A part of the program had been missing from my life. I can't recall exactly were( but I think it's in the chapter working with others) or exact wording but it talks about helping the family understand. Until recently I hadn't bee much of going into the F&F forum, but when I did I REALLY started reading the old drunken, disgusting, sick SOB I was and reading some of the stories,Welp, I'm not a mind reader or able to see in the future, but by the Grace of God I didn't completely destroy my memory and remember a whole lot and read the old me and remember what I used to do. And I am very blessed today to be able to see the damage I did.
My hope is only to possibly help someone on the other side( and believe it or not, after I got sober I was on the other side for a while!!! Dam karma) see what could happen. There wasn't one single person able to save me. Although some tried, it wasn't going to happen until I made the decision.
To get there I had to get to the point of desperation. The pain of getting drunk had FINALLY exceeded the pain of reality. I was finally out of denial the day after my last drunk. I saw the wreckage and wasn't trying to stuff it any more.
It was THEN that the fellowship of AA was able to step in and help me. Not carry my. Not do the footwork for me. Not enable me. But to guide me on how I should put in the footwork to change me.
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Old 01-20-2015, 07:09 AM
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Is this a result of alcohol and cocaine use or is he just an evil, abusive pig without drugs?
You've gotten some really good feedback on this question. I think my answer would be "it doesn't matter."

It doesn't matter if it's the addiction or a true mental illness or if he's just enjoying being evil. It doesn't matter.

What does matter is that -- as someone else said -- it's him. His behavior has nothing to do with you. When he's abusing you, you're just a placeholder, just a victim, any victim. You can see yourself when he calls you overweight that he's off his rocker -- that's something that's objectively observable. My ex called me fat too at a time when my friends were concerned that maybe I had anorexia because I was so thin.

An abuser will call you anything they can come up with.

The problem I found was that... the stuff that wasn't objectively observable was more difficult to get out of my head. Maybe I was a liar. Maybe I was a bad wife. Maybe I wasn't loyal enough.

I can say that it took me a long time to get his voice out of my head on those things. It took me a while to stop beating myself up with the weapons he had used. But step by step, I learned to identify his voice in my head and say "No. That's not me. That's a voice I no longer have to listen to."

And you will, too. As long as you keep moving forward and don't go back.
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Old 01-20-2015, 07:18 AM
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oh my.
I thought my ex was bad. He looks like a saint after reading this list. I really hope that this is the end of the line for you, nobody deserves to be talked to like that.
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Old 01-20-2015, 08:34 AM
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Thanks everyone. I'm seeing an abuse counselor and she too validated that it's nothing I did wrong, he abuses because it's who he IS. This has been a world of pain for me; not only dealing with his drug and alcohol addiction, but also the constant abuse, and multiple abandonments. And he truly thinks he's a good person at the end of the day.
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Old 01-20-2015, 08:38 AM
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Originally Posted by Jodie77 View Post
And he truly thinks he's a good person at the end of the day.
I remember this baffling the crap right outta me.
unreal.
Man what a toxic relationship that was. I was drunk for most of it, no wonder my self-esteem was shot to sh1t.

take care of you Jodie
you don't have to put up with this garbage. I'm glad you're getting counselling to help you through this.
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Old 01-20-2015, 10:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Jodie77 View Post
Oh and when I asked him about why he left his wife he said, "She was wearing sweat pants around the house too much." Huh?? That's why he left his marriage? He also told my brother the same thing, "Your sister wears sweat pants around the house all the time." Wtf! Who cares?

I'll never forget one Sunday I was reading a book relaxing at his house in my black sweats. He said to me, "my mom is coming over. Will you change into something nicer?!"
Oh SNAP! You too huh? The first time Himself hit me was when one of his friends was coming over and he asked me to change out of my work clothes, and I said "only if the next time your sister visits you sober up and put on a d@mn pair of pants."
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