Welcome BrkenHeartAgain
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Oregon
Posts: 2
Welcome BrkenHeartAgain
Hello all who have posted here. I have been wandering aimlessly in an abyss of sadness for the past 6 months. I have a similar story to Shlee's which has left me feeling broken and confused. I should not that I am a strong and fearless individual however super sensitive and unafraid to allow myself to have feeling. I run from nothing.
Through the last few years I would occasionally run into a guy that lives in the same community I do. I have always has a serious attraction to him but was too scared and or shy to act. I think he was too. Last spring I found myself having drinks with one of his acquaintances. She told me he has always been very intrigued and curios about me. I decided that the next time I saw him I would extend an invitation to spend time with me. I would also like to say that typically he had been known to keep to himself and I had heard that he was a heavy drinker but hadn't seen it for myself so I suspended judgment. I had also heard that he is nice and also brilliant. My assumption was that he likes to drink like I do... did.. Have a good time every now and then but realize there are other things in the world for me like loving another person, children, accomplishment, etc.....
The next time I saw him I took the opportunity to reach out to him.
We spent several months getting to know each other. He expressed great interest and pleasure in my company however it was always at an arms distance. I would only talk to him every couple days... if I called he he would not answer. He often cancelled plans at the last minute with lame excuses like I need to spend time with my dogs and then days later when I would speak with him about his day with his dogs and it was like he had no idea what I was talking about. I grew very insecure with the situation and before I knew it I was looking for what was wrong with me to cause him to behave the way he was. It was the furthest thing from my mind that he was, is, an alcoholic.
Strangely enough I entered into this pattern of rationalization. I believed what he said and through my own naivety and self demoting continued to struggle. When we spoke he told me how wonderful I was. He made sure to act appropriately (when at all possible. i.e. when he wasn't drunk, stoned, or hung over). It was very confusing.
Long story short he simply disappeared with no explanation one day. I was devastated as I didn't understand the magnitude of what his life is about. Our relationship was loving (at a distance) one minute and gone the next. I blamed only myself and some unknown thing that I did. A month passed with no sign of him. I sent him a couple messages and a long letter and nothing.. complete silence in return. Finally I called him from a phone number that he would not recognize. He answered. He at first acted busy and then when I said I needed to go offered an explanation. He was going through something in his life and didn't know how to tell me. He also said he would call me and explain when he could. Months passed with nothing. Keep in mind that I still had not realized what I was dealing with. He didn't call to explain because there was nothing to explain. He disappeared because he knew I would get in the way of his drinking but I still did not know this.
I finally decided to find him and tell him that his behavior was very hurtful. He displayed zero remorse. It was 9 am on a Sunday and he had a drink in his hand. Oddly enough he went to the effort of offering me another excuse. One of his friends who is a woman married to another woman wanted his help in having a baby! I knew he was lying, I could see it all over his face. I knew he was lying when he told me he was going through something. I was more confused than ever. I began to think that maybe he was mentally ill.. that he uses people.. blah blah. Nothing he said made a lick of sense. I still had not made the connection with alcoholism.
After thinking about his behavior through the course of time I began to see the pattern. A pattern of excuses that only hold the outside world accountable. A pattern of absence. I am nothing to him. Human nature is to have connections with people, even alcoholics and unfortunately when they realize someone will get in the way of their drink, which they always will, the connection becomes null and void leaving behind a confused broken heart. I fully understand that if I approach him he will likely resent me, even make fun of me for it and that I would have to do so with zero expectations but I still feel the urge.
There is a part of me that would give anything to ease his suffering. Suffering that he of course is not aware. I cannot. All of the enabling mechanisms in his life must go and he must loose significantly in order to have a chance. I have known many addicts through my life and I must say that most often they have a drowning light inside them, brightness and beauty that is simply snuffed out and it is a great pity. All human beings are worth something and I wish they could see.
Thank you to all who have been brave enough to post.
Thank you a million times over and good luck and good graces to all!
Through the last few years I would occasionally run into a guy that lives in the same community I do. I have always has a serious attraction to him but was too scared and or shy to act. I think he was too. Last spring I found myself having drinks with one of his acquaintances. She told me he has always been very intrigued and curios about me. I decided that the next time I saw him I would extend an invitation to spend time with me. I would also like to say that typically he had been known to keep to himself and I had heard that he was a heavy drinker but hadn't seen it for myself so I suspended judgment. I had also heard that he is nice and also brilliant. My assumption was that he likes to drink like I do... did.. Have a good time every now and then but realize there are other things in the world for me like loving another person, children, accomplishment, etc.....
The next time I saw him I took the opportunity to reach out to him.
We spent several months getting to know each other. He expressed great interest and pleasure in my company however it was always at an arms distance. I would only talk to him every couple days... if I called he he would not answer. He often cancelled plans at the last minute with lame excuses like I need to spend time with my dogs and then days later when I would speak with him about his day with his dogs and it was like he had no idea what I was talking about. I grew very insecure with the situation and before I knew it I was looking for what was wrong with me to cause him to behave the way he was. It was the furthest thing from my mind that he was, is, an alcoholic.
Strangely enough I entered into this pattern of rationalization. I believed what he said and through my own naivety and self demoting continued to struggle. When we spoke he told me how wonderful I was. He made sure to act appropriately (when at all possible. i.e. when he wasn't drunk, stoned, or hung over). It was very confusing.
Long story short he simply disappeared with no explanation one day. I was devastated as I didn't understand the magnitude of what his life is about. Our relationship was loving (at a distance) one minute and gone the next. I blamed only myself and some unknown thing that I did. A month passed with no sign of him. I sent him a couple messages and a long letter and nothing.. complete silence in return. Finally I called him from a phone number that he would not recognize. He answered. He at first acted busy and then when I said I needed to go offered an explanation. He was going through something in his life and didn't know how to tell me. He also said he would call me and explain when he could. Months passed with nothing. Keep in mind that I still had not realized what I was dealing with. He didn't call to explain because there was nothing to explain. He disappeared because he knew I would get in the way of his drinking but I still did not know this.
I finally decided to find him and tell him that his behavior was very hurtful. He displayed zero remorse. It was 9 am on a Sunday and he had a drink in his hand. Oddly enough he went to the effort of offering me another excuse. One of his friends who is a woman married to another woman wanted his help in having a baby! I knew he was lying, I could see it all over his face. I knew he was lying when he told me he was going through something. I was more confused than ever. I began to think that maybe he was mentally ill.. that he uses people.. blah blah. Nothing he said made a lick of sense. I still had not made the connection with alcoholism.
After thinking about his behavior through the course of time I began to see the pattern. A pattern of excuses that only hold the outside world accountable. A pattern of absence. I am nothing to him. Human nature is to have connections with people, even alcoholics and unfortunately when they realize someone will get in the way of their drink, which they always will, the connection becomes null and void leaving behind a confused broken heart. I fully understand that if I approach him he will likely resent me, even make fun of me for it and that I would have to do so with zero expectations but I still feel the urge.
There is a part of me that would give anything to ease his suffering. Suffering that he of course is not aware. I cannot. All of the enabling mechanisms in his life must go and he must loose significantly in order to have a chance. I have known many addicts through my life and I must say that most often they have a drowning light inside them, brightness and beauty that is simply snuffed out and it is a great pity. All human beings are worth something and I wish they could see.
Thank you to all who have been brave enough to post.
Thank you a million times over and good luck and good graces to all!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Glad you found us here, BrknHeartAgain. Take some time, hang out and read and post. There's a ton of experience, strength and hope here. I've learned so much from the folks of SR.
Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of great info and inspiration there.
Keep coming back. We're all moving forward a step at a time, and you can, too.
Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There's a lot of great info and inspiration there.
Keep coming back. We're all moving forward a step at a time, and you can, too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 27
I needed this tonight
[QUOTE=After thinking about his behavior through the course of time I began to see the pattern. A pattern of excuses that only hold the outside world accountable. A pattern of absence. I am nothing to him. Human nature is to have connections with people, even alcoholics and unfortunately when they realize someone will get in the way of their drink, which they always will, the connection becomes null and void leaving behind a confused broken heart. I fully understand that if I approach him he will likely resent me, even make fun of me for it and that I would have to do so with zero expectations but I still feel the urge.
There is a part of me that would give anything to ease his suffering. Suffering that he of course is not aware. I cannot.
THANK YOU FOR THIS. I NEEDED THIS TONIGHT.
There is a part of me that would give anything to ease his suffering. Suffering that he of course is not aware. I cannot.
THANK YOU FOR THIS. I NEEDED THIS TONIGHT.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 27
Am I allowed to ask a recovering A in the other posts a question ? I would love to know what goes through their mind while they are drinking. Why do they hurt their spouse, lover, whom ever ? Do all A have a yo yo relationship ? I want you, I don't. My mother was an A and she wasn't like this with my dad. So I assume not all cheat on their spouses, leave them. My AH left me again. Refused to give up his apartment. So sad. He is an amazing father to his grown kids. He is the friendliest man who is generous of his time and money to family & friends. That is why all where surprised that he had issues with alcohol. Only I ever witnessed it. There are so many questions rolling around in my head. 3 weeks ago, I watched the movie WHEN A MAN LOVES A WOMAN. Once again it brought me to tears but it had a happy ending.
Again, can I post on another thread in the Alcoholic section ?
Again, can I post on another thread in the Alcoholic section ?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
Yes, of course you can. Many people do. It's always helpful to get the "other" side of the story; however, that doesn't mean you will feel satisfied after you read the replies. Alcoholism is not rational, so it's impossible to rationalize the actions of an addict.
I'm sorry you have gone through this. So many here on this forum have and that's what makes it so great. Just people with a common interest, helping each other. Welcome to SR! (((HUGS)))
I'm sorry you have gone through this. So many here on this forum have and that's what makes it so great. Just people with a common interest, helping each other. Welcome to SR! (((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
I am going to be blunt and I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings.
It really doesn't sound like you had a relationship with this guy.
You wrote, "Our relationship was loving (at a distance) one minute and gone the next." I don't get the 'at a distance' part of a loving relationship.
Investing too much of you own time in a relationship and chasing someone who isn't being honest up front at first is a HUGE RED FLAG. Keep reading some of the posts on here, and you'll see that the man you're having feelings for may be a booby prize in the end.
It really doesn't sound like you had a relationship with this guy.
You wrote, "Our relationship was loving (at a distance) one minute and gone the next." I don't get the 'at a distance' part of a loving relationship.
Investing too much of you own time in a relationship and chasing someone who isn't being honest up front at first is a HUGE RED FLAG. Keep reading some of the posts on here, and you'll see that the man you're having feelings for may be a booby prize in the end.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Oregon
Posts: 2
"I am going to be blunt and I hope this doesn't hurt your feelings.
It really doesn't sound like you had a relationship with this guy.
You wrote, "Our relationship was loving (at a distance) one minute and gone the next." I don't get the 'at a distance' part of a loving relationship.
Investing too much of you own time in a relationship and chasing someone who isn't being honest up front at first is a HUGE RED FLAG. Keep reading some of the posts on here, and you'll see that the man you're having feelings for may be a booby prize in the end. "
It may hurt my feelings but it is true. I had nothing of any real value with this man. What I meant by,"Our relationship was loving (at a distance) one minute and gone the next", is that at times I believe he attempted to do right by me. In the beginning he made a valiant effort to treasure my place in his life. In the end he knew in his heart that he could not live his lifestyle and maintain my presence. My part in this mistake was that I chose to ignore the red flags, perhaps due to my own co-dependent issues or because I have been single for many years and behaved a little desperately. I choose to see the brilliant kind man that he could be and not the cruel selfish man that he really is. My eyes were closed until was deeply hurt and I spent time reflecting on my own part in this ugly saga.
In the end I got very lucky that this did not go further and I understand that I am valuable enough to never turn a blind eye to such destructive habits of other people who may enter into my life.
Despite my hurt feelings about facing the truth, a truth that you put so simply, I had a good laugh at also acknowledging the fact that you are also right about the booby prize. That there is no doubt.
Thank you. I would rather have hurt feelings and face reality than to be hurt and living in the darkness any day!
It really doesn't sound like you had a relationship with this guy.
You wrote, "Our relationship was loving (at a distance) one minute and gone the next." I don't get the 'at a distance' part of a loving relationship.
Investing too much of you own time in a relationship and chasing someone who isn't being honest up front at first is a HUGE RED FLAG. Keep reading some of the posts on here, and you'll see that the man you're having feelings for may be a booby prize in the end. "
It may hurt my feelings but it is true. I had nothing of any real value with this man. What I meant by,"Our relationship was loving (at a distance) one minute and gone the next", is that at times I believe he attempted to do right by me. In the beginning he made a valiant effort to treasure my place in his life. In the end he knew in his heart that he could not live his lifestyle and maintain my presence. My part in this mistake was that I chose to ignore the red flags, perhaps due to my own co-dependent issues or because I have been single for many years and behaved a little desperately. I choose to see the brilliant kind man that he could be and not the cruel selfish man that he really is. My eyes were closed until was deeply hurt and I spent time reflecting on my own part in this ugly saga.
In the end I got very lucky that this did not go further and I understand that I am valuable enough to never turn a blind eye to such destructive habits of other people who may enter into my life.
Despite my hurt feelings about facing the truth, a truth that you put so simply, I had a good laugh at also acknowledging the fact that you are also right about the booby prize. That there is no doubt.
Thank you. I would rather have hurt feelings and face reality than to be hurt and living in the darkness any day!
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
You are awesome and brave to share your story here with us! I too, am relatively new to this site and I find it so helpful. I don't have to WAIT for the right person to talk to. Thanks to technology, I have SR everywhere I go....I sound like a billboard, but it's true.
I don't care how distant the relationship was- you OBVIOUSLY cared for this person and he really stuck on you.
When I first met my H, he lived in a different town. We only hung out a couple times, but I could NEVER get him off my mind. I do understand how a brief brush with the right (or wrong) person can leave a mark on you. Don't be shameful of that. It's not about what the relationship was to HIM. It's about what the relationship was to YOU.
That's the focus of this forum, YOU. Isn't that great?
Don't ever be ashamed of your own feelings. It's time to acknowledge the pain and the hurt and the love that you felt and only then can you be free to let it go.
Please come back!
I don't care how distant the relationship was- you OBVIOUSLY cared for this person and he really stuck on you.
When I first met my H, he lived in a different town. We only hung out a couple times, but I could NEVER get him off my mind. I do understand how a brief brush with the right (or wrong) person can leave a mark on you. Don't be shameful of that. It's not about what the relationship was to HIM. It's about what the relationship was to YOU.
That's the focus of this forum, YOU. Isn't that great?
Don't ever be ashamed of your own feelings. It's time to acknowledge the pain and the hurt and the love that you felt and only then can you be free to let it go.
Please come back!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
I am so sorry you have cause to be here, but glad you found us. Welcome! From your post, it sounds like you have such strength to be able to stand up and demand better from him. I don't know about others here, but that took me a couple of painful relationships to learn that lesson, and it's one I work on all the time, still.
So, although I am sorry you are hurting, well done for handling it so well!
Now, perhaps it's a good time to think about what it is you need from a partner and what.you want. So that next time you have a sort of minimum standards any man has to be and then a list of things that ate bonuses!
Just a thought. Best of luck to you. X
So, although I am sorry you are hurting, well done for handling it so well!
Now, perhaps it's a good time to think about what it is you need from a partner and what.you want. So that next time you have a sort of minimum standards any man has to be and then a list of things that ate bonuses!
Just a thought. Best of luck to you. X
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