I'm on a Slippery Slope.....
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Honestly, this is why I think it's good to wait until you are at a really good place yourself before you even date anyone else. You are overwhelmed and it is making you anxious and do things that are not wise, such as opening this up with the Ex. Why don't you just be honest with the guy and tell him that you need some time with just you. You can pick back up later, or not. You have a right to recover from all of this.
This is just my opinion.
Tight hugs. We support you always.
This is just my opinion.
Tight hugs. We support you always.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I'm a firm believer in the need to spend time alone, developing a relationship with yourself before even thinking about casual dating. Group events, parties, large social events... sure. Any kind of dating before you ready can actually set you back in your recovery, IMO.
I've heard more than once how addicts are advised to not make any relationship changes for at least the first year during early sobriety & I think that's just as true on this side, at the end of a relationship with an addict. Like Florence said - it takes time to recalibrate & you can't know what/how/where/why things need to be healed until you're hip-deep in the process. When we can be alone & not lonely, it's a pretty good sign that we're ready to move on, in my way of thinking.
How much time have you spent alone Meg?
I've heard more than once how addicts are advised to not make any relationship changes for at least the first year during early sobriety & I think that's just as true on this side, at the end of a relationship with an addict. Like Florence said - it takes time to recalibrate & you can't know what/how/where/why things need to be healed until you're hip-deep in the process. When we can be alone & not lonely, it's a pretty good sign that we're ready to move on, in my way of thinking.
How much time have you spent alone Meg?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Hip deep LOL
how long have I felt like I've been alone or how long have I been physically apart from A?
I feel like I shut down/detached/removed myself from the marriage a good year before it hit the fan.
When I fell to pieces during the begining/middle of the end, I was confused as to why I was grieving so terribly. I thought I had resolved a lot of it while I was still technically in the marriage. My therapist, who I don't see anymore (her office moved and it's no longer feasible to counsel during my lunch hour) said that it's impossible to fully grieve something you are still "in".
She said I did what I could with what I had given the circumstances, but that the full grieving process realistically could not be be truly completed while still under the same roof. Makes sense to me.
Prior to the end, I had my own life. I had developed different hobbies and friendships, I created a new support system for myself. I was never really clingy or needy or dependent per say. But through the limited counseling I have had, I learned I was also in survival mode. You also can't grieve when you are in survival mode.
I have been physically apart from the A since August.
how long have I felt like I've been alone or how long have I been physically apart from A?
I feel like I shut down/detached/removed myself from the marriage a good year before it hit the fan.
When I fell to pieces during the begining/middle of the end, I was confused as to why I was grieving so terribly. I thought I had resolved a lot of it while I was still technically in the marriage. My therapist, who I don't see anymore (her office moved and it's no longer feasible to counsel during my lunch hour) said that it's impossible to fully grieve something you are still "in".
She said I did what I could with what I had given the circumstances, but that the full grieving process realistically could not be be truly completed while still under the same roof. Makes sense to me.
Prior to the end, I had my own life. I had developed different hobbies and friendships, I created a new support system for myself. I was never really clingy or needy or dependent per say. But through the limited counseling I have had, I learned I was also in survival mode. You also can't grieve when you are in survival mode.
I have been physically apart from the A since August.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Originally Posted by meggem 
Good stuff you guys. Thank you so much. True, I said "yet" which indicates it is not platonic. and it isn't. We've kissed.
And I'm not craving attention at all. I stumbled on this guy but made a conscience decision to communicate with him and to spend time with him occasionally.
I'm kind of made like a "guy" in some ways (no offense)- I could do casual if I KNEW the other person was casual but he "cares about me" (poor guy) I know he really likes me and no matter how many times he says he is in no rush and if we end up just friends he can accept that - blah blah but come on. How long can a person white knuckle that. So I have that in the back of my mind.
I honestly wish I could go back to the moment that I met him and erase it. I know that sounds rude because he is a nice guy.
But I was on my way to something. I was just getting solid footing (I was 5 months in living on my own) I was starting to string together many days of no tears.
I was becoming content.
And now, I feel anxious and confused. I feel a little happy too. I smile when I seen his text messages. I have had some smiling day dreams. But I have also had mental freak outs as well. And I don't need to have them. I'm in charge.
I also think he is why I am thinking of my ex in a pollyana kind of way.
But guess what - I don't want to hurt this guys feelings.
You know what else? This guy is really making me realize how trained I had to become at being on the defense. I have noticed the way I talk to him sometimes, the way I react to him when my opinion differs from is. I'm almost nasty. Not nasty but aggressive. And when he "feels" something, I roll my eyes like oh here we go. Because THAT is how I ended up with my Ex A.
I don't know how to treat someone. I really don't. I sit here and talk about the damage that my A left me with, but I beleive it also made me a nasty person in some ways. I don't have a whole lot of compassion for people like I used to.
I don't look at this guy as a new person. I look at him like a continuation in a wierd sort of way.
And I'm not craving attention at all. I stumbled on this guy but made a conscience decision to communicate with him and to spend time with him occasionally.
I'm kind of made like a "guy" in some ways (no offense)- I could do casual if I KNEW the other person was casual but he "cares about me" (poor guy) I know he really likes me and no matter how many times he says he is in no rush and if we end up just friends he can accept that - blah blah but come on. How long can a person white knuckle that. So I have that in the back of my mind.
I honestly wish I could go back to the moment that I met him and erase it. I know that sounds rude because he is a nice guy.
But I was on my way to something. I was just getting solid footing (I was 5 months in living on my own) I was starting to string together many days of no tears.
I was becoming content.
And now, I feel anxious and confused. I feel a little happy too. I smile when I seen his text messages. I have had some smiling day dreams. But I have also had mental freak outs as well. And I don't need to have them. I'm in charge.
I also think he is why I am thinking of my ex in a pollyana kind of way.
But guess what - I don't want to hurt this guys feelings.
You know what else? This guy is really making me realize how trained I had to become at being on the defense. I have noticed the way I talk to him sometimes, the way I react to him when my opinion differs from is. I'm almost nasty. Not nasty but aggressive. And when he "feels" something, I roll my eyes like oh here we go. Because THAT is how I ended up with my Ex A.
I don't know how to treat someone. I really don't. I sit here and talk about the damage that my A left me with, but I beleive it also made me a nasty person in some ways. I don't have a whole lot of compassion for people like I used to.
I don't look at this guy as a new person. I look at him like a continuation in a wierd sort of way.
Your post sounds to me like a lot of rationalizing why he isn't good for you and you aren't good for him. On top of that he "is" a little needy..
If it was me, I would enjoy the texting, but once I felt "too crowded" I would remove myself from the situation by diving into work, traveling, just living life and not / rarely reply to texts. If the guy would "freak out", start calling and texting me "constantly" I would label him "insane", would thank my "excellent gut feeling" and block and spam him.
Only you can decide when "too much" is "too much", just as only you can decide, if you let experiences of the past define your present and future.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: UK
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Don't have anything very useful to contribute, but wanted to say thank you for starting this thread, I am in a similar position with my ex and it really helps to read all the advice on here. I hope you find a way through this, it is so hard x
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
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It's different for everyone. <-------- disclaimer, lol.
I meant actually physically away from the relationship. Separated/divorced/whatever. I agree with what your therapist told you about grieving while still "in". So, approximately 6 months in reality that you've been alone.
I have a very good friend/ex-co-worker. She was in a relationship with an addict (alcohol, pot, pain pills) who she propped up to make it look like he was high-functioning. We all know this story; one day the girl woke up & realized she alone couldn't battle the evil force of addiction in someone who had no desire to change. But she hung in there for her kid for many years & even once she decided to leave, it was a long, bitter process.
When she got out on her own she started dating pretty quickly. She had no divorce papers but she had an online dating profile on multiple sites, was finding old friends on facebook, all that. And she started hanging with a lot of party girls, women her age that had also been divorced but trolled the bars & clubs on the weekends looking for fun.
I kept pointing out red flags - she kept insisting that she was fine/didn't care because she'd been ready to leave for so long that the fact that her situation had only JUST changed was a non-issue. Oh, I disagree, I said, after 2+ decades of this life you've lead you need time to figure out what you want in your future because you sure don't want to keep playing these games.
But she was having fun, she insisted, didn't I see? And so what if her friendship with a guy became more than that before she realized it? She could handle it.
She deluded herself for about 2 years & then called me one day out of the blue telling me how right I had been, how she wished she had listened & given herself more time to transition between lifestyles. She had desperately wanted to fill the void in her life of having no partner & keep herself busy while her son had visitation with her Ex. She'd been waiting to move on for so long before actually leaving that she was ready to run out into life & drink it up. Instead she'd gone through a dozen guys, finding nothing but faults & settling with the ONE guy that treated her like crap, just like her ex. She'd ended up with an STD which horrified her (professional woman in her 40's with a successful business & all), her son was starting to pull away from her & she felt miserably stuck in a relationship with someone she didn't even like because she never stopped to identify what she DID want out of her partner/relationship. She could finally see that she was still carrying old baggage with her into her present life & then it got all twisted together, confusing her even more.
I meant actually physically away from the relationship. Separated/divorced/whatever. I agree with what your therapist told you about grieving while still "in". So, approximately 6 months in reality that you've been alone.
I have a very good friend/ex-co-worker. She was in a relationship with an addict (alcohol, pot, pain pills) who she propped up to make it look like he was high-functioning. We all know this story; one day the girl woke up & realized she alone couldn't battle the evil force of addiction in someone who had no desire to change. But she hung in there for her kid for many years & even once she decided to leave, it was a long, bitter process.
When she got out on her own she started dating pretty quickly. She had no divorce papers but she had an online dating profile on multiple sites, was finding old friends on facebook, all that. And she started hanging with a lot of party girls, women her age that had also been divorced but trolled the bars & clubs on the weekends looking for fun.
I kept pointing out red flags - she kept insisting that she was fine/didn't care because she'd been ready to leave for so long that the fact that her situation had only JUST changed was a non-issue. Oh, I disagree, I said, after 2+ decades of this life you've lead you need time to figure out what you want in your future because you sure don't want to keep playing these games.
But she was having fun, she insisted, didn't I see? And so what if her friendship with a guy became more than that before she realized it? She could handle it.
She deluded herself for about 2 years & then called me one day out of the blue telling me how right I had been, how she wished she had listened & given herself more time to transition between lifestyles. She had desperately wanted to fill the void in her life of having no partner & keep herself busy while her son had visitation with her Ex. She'd been waiting to move on for so long before actually leaving that she was ready to run out into life & drink it up. Instead she'd gone through a dozen guys, finding nothing but faults & settling with the ONE guy that treated her like crap, just like her ex. She'd ended up with an STD which horrified her (professional woman in her 40's with a successful business & all), her son was starting to pull away from her & she felt miserably stuck in a relationship with someone she didn't even like because she never stopped to identify what she DID want out of her partner/relationship. She could finally see that she was still carrying old baggage with her into her present life & then it got all twisted together, confusing her even more.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 258
Originally Posted by Hammer
Well, this thread has been helpful to me.
See all this? This all is WHY I should not ask Mrs. Hammer's attorney out for a date.
Just saying.
I mean if Mrs. Hammer ever really does leave.
See all this? This all is WHY I should not ask Mrs. Hammer's attorney out for a date.
Just saying.
I mean if Mrs. Hammer ever really does leave.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 322
I was the ultimate "recycler". If I didn't have someone new on the hook before ending a relationship, I'd go back to one of my ex's to keep me occupied until someone new came along. Not proud to admit that, but that was my life.
I separated from my addict ex-husband 3 months before I met my alcoholic ex-fiance. Looking back, I jumped directly from the frying pan into the fire. I convinced myself that alcoholic fiance was just a 'distraction' and that I wouldn't get too attached. I convinced myself that he was 'safer' because he wasn't an addict, just drank too much. Also, he had no outward anger issues like my ex-husband did. So, I told myself that he was so much better. Wow, huh?
HA! Well, that plan backfired miserably. Instead, I transferred my effed up marriage into my new relationship. It was different, but in many ways, it was the same. Worst mistake I ever made.
When ex-fiance and I split, I started to wonder if things could be different now between my ex-husband and I and that maybe we could make it work again. I mean, we had our daughter together, and I know she would be more than thrilled to have mom and dad back together again. It didn't help that he was asking me to consider working things out and asking me to dinner, etc... The guilt about my daughter having a 'broken home' was sometimes crushing and I had to really process that one. That could have easily sent me running back if I let it. While I still feel guilt over that, I'm now able to realize that she'll be ok as long as I'm ok. Her dad and I keep a friendly relationship (which we could have completely screwed up had we gotten back together and THEN I realized I didn't want it). Also, with a year into recovery, there are no guarantees that he won't go back there (and he has before after this length of recovery time) and if that happens, I need to be solid in myself for my daughter.
I gave this situation some SERIOUS thought. I realized that it wasn't that I loved still loved him (I do love him, but not in that way anymore at all) and wanted to work things out, it was simply me doing what I've always done. Getting involved with something to numb the pain of what I was feeling. He was an ex...an ex-husband no less. It would have been so comfortable and easy....for a while. It would have been that old, comfortable, familiar pattern that I was so very used to following. That very thing that I promised myself to do the complete opposite of this time around.
We did hang out some. I went to his house for dinner a few times when he'd have our daughter for his weekends and we did go to dinner once. We spent time together on the holidays for my daughter, with my family. And you know what....he was the exact same person he was when we split up. Granted, he's been clean and sober for over a year now, but he is still that selfish, anxious, depressed, needy, stingy person that I had such a hard time tolerating back then. He stopped using, but the underlying issues that I despised were still right there, front and center.
It's time to move forward. They're our ex's for a reason.
As far as a new relationship at this point, I can't do it. No way, not yet. Probably not for a long time. And this is hard because I'm so not used to being alone. But, I know that if I were in your situation and feeling what you were feeling, it would make it way too easy to want to feel that old comfort and run back to alcoholic ex-fiance. WAY TOO EASY. I know exactly what you're feeling, I've so been there. The uncertainty, the confusion, the excitement and most significantly, the comparing. At this point, I know that nobody would compare in my heart and mind to AXF and I won't even try. It wouldn't be fair to that person, nor to me. And I know exactly where jumping in that hole would lead me to....back to square one.
It's ok to take time for yourself. After getting over the initial shock, anxiety and fear, it's actually a pretty decent place to hang out for a while. Not having that relationship anxiety for once in my life is soooo peaceful and sane and easy. I need all of that right now and you might just be in need of that too.
Everything in its due time.
When you're ready, you'll know. No need to rush.
I separated from my addict ex-husband 3 months before I met my alcoholic ex-fiance. Looking back, I jumped directly from the frying pan into the fire. I convinced myself that alcoholic fiance was just a 'distraction' and that I wouldn't get too attached. I convinced myself that he was 'safer' because he wasn't an addict, just drank too much. Also, he had no outward anger issues like my ex-husband did. So, I told myself that he was so much better. Wow, huh?
HA! Well, that plan backfired miserably. Instead, I transferred my effed up marriage into my new relationship. It was different, but in many ways, it was the same. Worst mistake I ever made.
When ex-fiance and I split, I started to wonder if things could be different now between my ex-husband and I and that maybe we could make it work again. I mean, we had our daughter together, and I know she would be more than thrilled to have mom and dad back together again. It didn't help that he was asking me to consider working things out and asking me to dinner, etc... The guilt about my daughter having a 'broken home' was sometimes crushing and I had to really process that one. That could have easily sent me running back if I let it. While I still feel guilt over that, I'm now able to realize that she'll be ok as long as I'm ok. Her dad and I keep a friendly relationship (which we could have completely screwed up had we gotten back together and THEN I realized I didn't want it). Also, with a year into recovery, there are no guarantees that he won't go back there (and he has before after this length of recovery time) and if that happens, I need to be solid in myself for my daughter.
I gave this situation some SERIOUS thought. I realized that it wasn't that I loved still loved him (I do love him, but not in that way anymore at all) and wanted to work things out, it was simply me doing what I've always done. Getting involved with something to numb the pain of what I was feeling. He was an ex...an ex-husband no less. It would have been so comfortable and easy....for a while. It would have been that old, comfortable, familiar pattern that I was so very used to following. That very thing that I promised myself to do the complete opposite of this time around.
We did hang out some. I went to his house for dinner a few times when he'd have our daughter for his weekends and we did go to dinner once. We spent time together on the holidays for my daughter, with my family. And you know what....he was the exact same person he was when we split up. Granted, he's been clean and sober for over a year now, but he is still that selfish, anxious, depressed, needy, stingy person that I had such a hard time tolerating back then. He stopped using, but the underlying issues that I despised were still right there, front and center.
It's time to move forward. They're our ex's for a reason.
As far as a new relationship at this point, I can't do it. No way, not yet. Probably not for a long time. And this is hard because I'm so not used to being alone. But, I know that if I were in your situation and feeling what you were feeling, it would make it way too easy to want to feel that old comfort and run back to alcoholic ex-fiance. WAY TOO EASY. I know exactly what you're feeling, I've so been there. The uncertainty, the confusion, the excitement and most significantly, the comparing. At this point, I know that nobody would compare in my heart and mind to AXF and I won't even try. It wouldn't be fair to that person, nor to me. And I know exactly where jumping in that hole would lead me to....back to square one.
It's ok to take time for yourself. After getting over the initial shock, anxiety and fear, it's actually a pretty decent place to hang out for a while. Not having that relationship anxiety for once in my life is soooo peaceful and sane and easy. I need all of that right now and you might just be in need of that too.
Everything in its due time.
When you're ready, you'll know. No need to rush.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Thanks guys. Good stuff. I could relate to a lot of it. I'm not craving or seeking though. Not at all. In fact I'm just the opposite. A lot of people in my world just cannot understand "what the big deal is" with this "guy" --just have fun they say. Enjoy. Get laid. Stop being a freak. Stop overanalyzing.
So I kept going thinking I must be missing something?? Am I missing something?
The ONLY person - except for you guys - is my mother who is saying - "You're just not ready Meg. You WANT to be into this, you're trying, but you aren't"
I am content on my own. Sometimes I resent getting ready for dinner on a Saturday when I don't have the kids but then I think - Well how healthy is it for me to sit and watch greys anatomy on Netflix for 12 hours.
And I suspect I would not be thinking about my ex in the way that I am now if I weren't toying around with this casual dating thing. Yes, this is causing more grief than anything else.
And he sent me a text message this morning " Thank you for the conversation yesterday. For a brief moment, I had swagger... For just a moment, I was on top of the world, even for just a minute.. Thank you"
HOW
PATHETIC
What a martyr. I could see, that same depressed negative victim was still there. Poor him.
So I kept going thinking I must be missing something?? Am I missing something?
The ONLY person - except for you guys - is my mother who is saying - "You're just not ready Meg. You WANT to be into this, you're trying, but you aren't"
I am content on my own. Sometimes I resent getting ready for dinner on a Saturday when I don't have the kids but then I think - Well how healthy is it for me to sit and watch greys anatomy on Netflix for 12 hours.
And I suspect I would not be thinking about my ex in the way that I am now if I weren't toying around with this casual dating thing. Yes, this is causing more grief than anything else.
And he sent me a text message this morning " Thank you for the conversation yesterday. For a brief moment, I had swagger... For just a moment, I was on top of the world, even for just a minute.. Thank you"
HOW
PATHETIC
What a martyr. I could see, that same depressed negative victim was still there. Poor him.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
We did hang out some. I went to his house for dinner a few times when he'd have our daughter for his weekends and we did go to dinner once. We spent time together on the holidays for my daughter, with my family. And you know what....he was the exact same person he was when we split up. Granted, he's been clean and sober for over a year now, but he is still that selfish, anxious, depressed, needy, stingy person that I had such a hard time tolerating back then. He stopped using, but the underlying issues that I despised were still right there, front and center.
It's time to move forward. They're our ex's for a reason.
It's time to move forward. They're our ex's for a reason.
As for this, "Well how healthy is it for me to sit and watch greys anatomy on Netflix for 12 hours," why the black and white thinking? Why whole hog in a relationship or sitting at home binge-watching 'L&O SVU' in your PJs? Where are your girlfriends? Where are your home projects? What are your hobbies? Do you exercise? Volunteer? Are you creative or artistic? What other things can you invite into your life for you that have nothing to do with a romantic relationship? You are in a transitional phase and can reinvent yourself into anything you want to be! Who is the new meggem?
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Meg, maybe this was all the Universe's way of showing that you just aren't ready. It sounds like it's not about him at all, really, but about you. Maybe by going through this "exercise" you're finding the uncomfortable feelings that you couldn't have examined any other way because no other dynamic brought it out for you?
And fwiw, I think it's A-Ok to spend a Saturday night with Netflix. I don't find that unhealthy at all unless you're doing it in order to avoid other activities or to keep from having to interacting with Real Life.
Swagger? Really? ick!
And fwiw, I think it's A-Ok to spend a Saturday night with Netflix. I don't find that unhealthy at all unless you're doing it in order to avoid other activities or to keep from having to interacting with Real Life.
Swagger? Really? ick!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
You know what - you are so right Florence. Who IS this new meggem?!!
WE are going to find out.
and good point Fire, this--->Maybe by going through this "exercise" you're finding the uncomfortable feelings that you couldn't have examined any other way because no other dynamic brought it out for you?
WE are going to find out.
and good point Fire, this--->Maybe by going through this "exercise" you're finding the uncomfortable feelings that you couldn't have examined any other way because no other dynamic brought it out for you?
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Dating. Dating Socially. Dating Socially/Intimately. Dating/socially/Intimately with intensity. There are lots of levels of dating. Whether or not you will date at all of these levels is not for me to say only you. You seem to be struggling with casual dating vs. I can't do this a little. I'm either all in or not (referring to your earlier starting post).
I was married from the age of 18 ( I was so young and foolish), until 38. So at 38 I am out of a 20 year marriage. HOLY COW what a new world it was. I didn't date intimately for 2 years. I was at the Dating/Social level. Which almost always lasted about 2-3 dates before they, not me, starting hinting towards sex. I felt like a prude. My friends were like Man you are saying no to her...what is your stupid problem?
I had already rejected more than one woman for sex and I was feeling a bit like I was a problem or something. So I finally decided I was going to start talking about it. My next opportunity came when I was dating a nurse. We were on our 3rd date and she asked me into her house.
Now to make it to a 3rd date means I generally think you have passed the initial screening. You seem together, have a job, have good life skills, don't seem to be ready to go nuts on me, are somewhat calm and good natured. Funny etc. And that was how I 'd hope they felt towards me.
I'll spare you the details as to how we got to the point of discussing sex, except to say she asked me if she could finish off a great evening with a guy that I think is pretty cool.
So my comedic mechanism kicked in and I said, wait did George Clooney just call and say he was coming over or?? She laughed....but it was a short lived moment. Her intent was evident. So I point blank asked....or said...OK..Look I'm new to this stuff, I am not sure what the norm is but can we discuss this a little? She kind of blinked at me and said, what you mean discuss what we want to do? No discuss why we are about to go there. I feel like I'm being slow here and I don't want you to think I think less of you because you are very nice and warm and I like our time so far. I just worry that there may be some feelings that get developed here.
She took the lead. Frank..I work 40+ hours a week in a stressful job, around sick people and a**hole doctors. I have bills, mortgage, a house I keep up myself, and a lot on my plate in general. Sex is relaxing, de-stressing, makes me feel alive and helps me look forward to something. I find you attractive, had a wonderful evening again, and I'd like to enjoy you physically. I sort of pondered all of that....and said but don't you worry about getting attached. Then it was a lightbulb moment. Frank I am not dating you to fall in love, I'm dating you because you seem like a nice guy that won't hassle me and we get along. If you don't feel the same way I understand and we can part as friends. Now I REALLY felt slow. Frank you aren't planning on getting married to me are you? No? Well I expect you're dating others. Yes I am but not sexually was my response. Well if you don't feel like this is right for you I understand but you need to learn how to relax. I then told her how I had rejected others advances. She explained in a nice way that she wasn't gong to pressure me but if I was worried about her falling in love with me...it wasn't going to happen. So then I was like..wait....I'm just casual sex. Yes that is what this will be. Well what about STDs. Frank I am an ER nurse. For crying out loud I get tested about every 60 days, and I don't even think about having sex with a guy that gives me uncomfortable feelings about his lifestyle. You are tested less frequently than I am and I should wonder about your status. At that moment I realized that I had respect for Kim. She wasn't a bad person, she had the qualities I enjoyed and no I wasn't looking for a another marriage. We just had a different yet equally respected position on things. Yes we consummated the evening and I admit I felt like a million bucks the next day.
I owe her a lot from that evening. I credit her with bringing me into a new world, with respect honesty and communication. From that day forward I was a new person.
Sex is not bad. Dating with sex is not bad. Dating with sex and without love is not bad. Sexual chemistry matters like other aspects of someone. I have learned to not settle in that area either.
My hair didn't catch on fire, my limbs didn't fly off, my God didn't strike me into eternal hellfire damnation and above all I didn't lose myself. Or any of the next ones I dated. I only got lost when I met an AC. I will NEVER go back to that life with an addiction, but I'd date a Kim any chance I got.
R E L A X meggem. Don't over think this. I was absolutely guilty of this. If you feel right, enjoy it. If it doesn't, don't. Don't go Codie on your new life now
:-)
I was married from the age of 18 ( I was so young and foolish), until 38. So at 38 I am out of a 20 year marriage. HOLY COW what a new world it was. I didn't date intimately for 2 years. I was at the Dating/Social level. Which almost always lasted about 2-3 dates before they, not me, starting hinting towards sex. I felt like a prude. My friends were like Man you are saying no to her...what is your stupid problem?
I had already rejected more than one woman for sex and I was feeling a bit like I was a problem or something. So I finally decided I was going to start talking about it. My next opportunity came when I was dating a nurse. We were on our 3rd date and she asked me into her house.
Now to make it to a 3rd date means I generally think you have passed the initial screening. You seem together, have a job, have good life skills, don't seem to be ready to go nuts on me, are somewhat calm and good natured. Funny etc. And that was how I 'd hope they felt towards me.
I'll spare you the details as to how we got to the point of discussing sex, except to say she asked me if she could finish off a great evening with a guy that I think is pretty cool.
So my comedic mechanism kicked in and I said, wait did George Clooney just call and say he was coming over or?? She laughed....but it was a short lived moment. Her intent was evident. So I point blank asked....or said...OK..Look I'm new to this stuff, I am not sure what the norm is but can we discuss this a little? She kind of blinked at me and said, what you mean discuss what we want to do? No discuss why we are about to go there. I feel like I'm being slow here and I don't want you to think I think less of you because you are very nice and warm and I like our time so far. I just worry that there may be some feelings that get developed here.
She took the lead. Frank..I work 40+ hours a week in a stressful job, around sick people and a**hole doctors. I have bills, mortgage, a house I keep up myself, and a lot on my plate in general. Sex is relaxing, de-stressing, makes me feel alive and helps me look forward to something. I find you attractive, had a wonderful evening again, and I'd like to enjoy you physically. I sort of pondered all of that....and said but don't you worry about getting attached. Then it was a lightbulb moment. Frank I am not dating you to fall in love, I'm dating you because you seem like a nice guy that won't hassle me and we get along. If you don't feel the same way I understand and we can part as friends. Now I REALLY felt slow. Frank you aren't planning on getting married to me are you? No? Well I expect you're dating others. Yes I am but not sexually was my response. Well if you don't feel like this is right for you I understand but you need to learn how to relax. I then told her how I had rejected others advances. She explained in a nice way that she wasn't gong to pressure me but if I was worried about her falling in love with me...it wasn't going to happen. So then I was like..wait....I'm just casual sex. Yes that is what this will be. Well what about STDs. Frank I am an ER nurse. For crying out loud I get tested about every 60 days, and I don't even think about having sex with a guy that gives me uncomfortable feelings about his lifestyle. You are tested less frequently than I am and I should wonder about your status. At that moment I realized that I had respect for Kim. She wasn't a bad person, she had the qualities I enjoyed and no I wasn't looking for a another marriage. We just had a different yet equally respected position on things. Yes we consummated the evening and I admit I felt like a million bucks the next day.
I owe her a lot from that evening. I credit her with bringing me into a new world, with respect honesty and communication. From that day forward I was a new person.
Sex is not bad. Dating with sex is not bad. Dating with sex and without love is not bad. Sexual chemistry matters like other aspects of someone. I have learned to not settle in that area either.
My hair didn't catch on fire, my limbs didn't fly off, my God didn't strike me into eternal hellfire damnation and above all I didn't lose myself. Or any of the next ones I dated. I only got lost when I met an AC. I will NEVER go back to that life with an addiction, but I'd date a Kim any chance I got.
R E L A X meggem. Don't over think this. I was absolutely guilty of this. If you feel right, enjoy it. If it doesn't, don't. Don't go Codie on your new life now
:-)
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Meggem-
I am just coming up on four years divorced and 4.5 out of a relationship. I am JUST starting to consider the dating realm again.
Part of the lesson I needed to learn in this time was to trust my own feelings. You don't need a "good" reason why you are not ready for this right now....you just need to trust yourself and you are feeling "off" from what you say.
I did do the watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. I needed that. I needed something that was more drauma filled than my life. Was it healthy? I am not sure, but I did stop it when I was ready and started to ease back into my normal life and routine. I was terrified I would not be able to stop when I was in this process but it really did ease up for me and taper off naturally. So did a lot of other behaviors as I started to heal.
So my question for you is can you trust your own feelings and intuition? What are they telling you right now?
I am just coming up on four years divorced and 4.5 out of a relationship. I am JUST starting to consider the dating realm again.
Part of the lesson I needed to learn in this time was to trust my own feelings. You don't need a "good" reason why you are not ready for this right now....you just need to trust yourself and you are feeling "off" from what you say.
I did do the watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. I needed that. I needed something that was more drauma filled than my life. Was it healthy? I am not sure, but I did stop it when I was ready and started to ease back into my normal life and routine. I was terrified I would not be able to stop when I was in this process but it really did ease up for me and taper off naturally. So did a lot of other behaviors as I started to heal.
So my question for you is can you trust your own feelings and intuition? What are they telling you right now?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
"So I haven't been posting very much lately but I do lurk.
I'm not sure if anyone remembers (probably not and that's ok) but I met this guy...and I have been seeing him very causually since November. "
I remembered... and I've missed your posts
That's hard... I know that I (assuming I ever separate from my husband) would have the same struggles... I can't imagine that I would be able to date for a really long time...
I don't have anything else to add that anyone else hasn't already offered, but sending you strength and HUGS.
Have fun!!!
I'm not sure if anyone remembers (probably not and that's ok) but I met this guy...and I have been seeing him very causually since November. "
I remembered... and I've missed your posts
That's hard... I know that I (assuming I ever separate from my husband) would have the same struggles... I can't imagine that I would be able to date for a really long time...
I don't have anything else to add that anyone else hasn't already offered, but sending you strength and HUGS.
Have fun!!!
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
After a long marriage, I got out and didn't know much about who I was without xah's words in my head. I've been separated 2+ years now, and it took a long time to sort out who I was and what I wanted from men in my life, or if I even wanted anyone around at all. I held back for a long time.
And then I started testing the waters. Nothing/no one seemed quite right.
And then I met someone who I for real connected with. I hesitated, I heard all of those opinions in my head of what other people might say in that particular situation...and then a lovely thing happened. I heard myself.
Part of the joy of coming out of my marriage is developing a stronger inner voice. I am so glad that I listened to myself and allowed myself to be intimate with the man that I chose to be with finally. He has woken up parts of me that I had forgotten all about. And he has introduced some new ideas, helping me to grow, while giving me the space to find my own way.
Meg, the new you is the integration of who you were before your ex, during that time, and all the growth you've had since. You can't go back any longer. What do you want now? Some of the process of finding what you want is trying out different scenarios. Seeing what the world looks like to you now. And learning to hear yourself, and going after what you want for you.
And then I started testing the waters. Nothing/no one seemed quite right.
And then I met someone who I for real connected with. I hesitated, I heard all of those opinions in my head of what other people might say in that particular situation...and then a lovely thing happened. I heard myself.
Part of the joy of coming out of my marriage is developing a stronger inner voice. I am so glad that I listened to myself and allowed myself to be intimate with the man that I chose to be with finally. He has woken up parts of me that I had forgotten all about. And he has introduced some new ideas, helping me to grow, while giving me the space to find my own way.
Meg, the new you is the integration of who you were before your ex, during that time, and all the growth you've had since. You can't go back any longer. What do you want now? Some of the process of finding what you want is trying out different scenarios. Seeing what the world looks like to you now. And learning to hear yourself, and going after what you want for you.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
I have a friend out there and yes it is an atmosphere of finding enjoyable people to spend time with and casual sex. I was surprised but very grateful she is honest with me about her experiences. She is Catholic and I live in a not particularly progressive area. She is learning and growing so much post divorce.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
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Originally Posted by 9111111
Coming from someone who never dreamt of a white wedding, and gets freaked out by the idea of having someone propose to her in a public space:
Your post sounds to me like a lot of rationalizing why he isn't good for you and you aren't good for him. On top of that he "is" a little needy..
If it was me, I would enjoy the texting, but once I felt "too crowded" I would remove myself from the situation by diving into work, traveling, just living life and not / rarely reply to texts. If the guy would "freak out", start calling and texting me "constantly" I would label him "insane", would thank my "excellent gut feeling" and block and spam him.
Only you can decide when "too much" is "too much", just as only you can decide, if you let experiences of the past define your present and future.
Your post sounds to me like a lot of rationalizing why he isn't good for you and you aren't good for him. On top of that he "is" a little needy..
If it was me, I would enjoy the texting, but once I felt "too crowded" I would remove myself from the situation by diving into work, traveling, just living life and not / rarely reply to texts. If the guy would "freak out", start calling and texting me "constantly" I would label him "insane", would thank my "excellent gut feeling" and block and spam him.
Only you can decide when "too much" is "too much", just as only you can decide, if you let experiences of the past define your present and future.
I once read a book “ Attached – the new science of adult attachment” by Levine & Heller.
The book describes, that the way how we relate to others (attachment) develops in childhood, but is also a means of survival, that gets shaped through experiences in adulthood. People who’ve been through an unsettling time, leaving them with a lot of unpredictability (as in “living with an addict”) can become prone to mistrusting others, valuing to rely on themselves and keep others at an arm length through being overly critical with themselves and others and “needing time for themselves”, while at the other hand craving closeness and affection.
The way I understood Heller & Levine, attachment is also like a “lens”, through which we look at the world around us. While I’m definitely with the others, that it is important to find our own time frame and definition of happy and healthy relationships, I am with Heller and Levine, that time alone won’t remove “the glasses” we put on to protect ourselves though living with an addict, but that new ways of relating require reflection on "how we relate" and positive (counter) experiences with healthy people to re-build trust in humankind and (new) relationships.
All the best to you
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