Enabler1

Hello: I have been dealing with my AS (22) for almost 3+ years. He is now in jail, and I have to admit I am relieved. He keeps calling me, however I only spoke to him 2x. He is begging me to get him out of jail (duh). He says he is not eating, throwing up and has not showered. He is afraid of telling a guard he is sick, because then he will be in isolation. blah, etc. I have already bailed him last month, paid $3K, now bail is set for $5K. I do not want to bail him out. He doesn't have anywhere else to go, and he needs help. I do know he is tugging at the heart strings, because this is his m.o., but it still hurts. I am doing the right thing, he wants me to go to his hearing this Thursday, I don't want to go. Am I being too harsh? Perhaps, I should not even speak to him while he is in jail too.

lillamy

I can't pretend to know what it's like to have a child with addiction problems, but there are several folks here who do know.

That said -- I don't think you're being too harsh. You've bailed him out once and he's back in -- I think drawing the conclusion that the same thing would probably happen again if you bailed him out again seems pretty wise.

He IS pulling at your heart strings. He's sick and not telling anyone because he's afraid of being put in isolation? BS. If he's sick, he'll get put in the sick bay until he's better, which is NOT isolation. He's not showering? Why not?

If you feel like you're being manipulated and that you get emotionally worn down by talking to him, you have every right to NOT talk to him while he's inside. If you want to tell him that next time he calls, you can. He's your child, but he's an adult. At some point, he has to learn that Mom can't bail him out anymore -- literally or figuratively.

CodeJob

Hugs Enabler. No is a really really tough word. That is why it is so short.

dandylion

Enabler1...I can certainly relate to you, as I have stood in your same shoes. There are few words to explain how this can pull on a mother's heart. It is heart wrenching.

At this point, I would say that y ou are doing the right thing not to bail him out.

at this moment..about the only thing that he can think of is to get OUT. While that is understandable....it will not help him--in the big picture. He will still be thinking like an addict...and probably drinking/drugging before the week is out..if not before.
It is not in his interest to soften his consequences in any way.

He will have to catch on to the idea that he cannot look to anyone to rescue him but himself. No one can predict when that will be. But, it is essential that you "get out of his way".

Your biggest challenge is to not get sucked into mother's guilt. And that is really hard to do, I know. But, if you don't it will eat you up. Your suffering will not help him in any way.

I don't remember if I said this to you, before...but, Mom, please seek out an alanon or naranon group that has some parents in the group. You need support now, more than him. Also, I suggest that y ou get some individual counseling for y our own support, also. Take the other family members with you, if you can.

for this situation, I would say to just go with your feeling about showing up at the hearing or not. It won't make any difference in what the legal outcome will be, wither way. Same for talking on the phone. If he makes it too hard for you to say "NO"...then, don't.

If you wish...what I have done, is to write a letter from my heart telling him why you can no longer "help" him, and, apologize for having enabled him in the past. Let him know that you love him, and always will...but you will no longer help him. It m ay take you a couple of days to compose such a letter, if you decide to do so.

My heart goes out to you. You need someone to talk to and to lean o n.

Grab on to the serenity prayer. this is "let go and let God time". The Universe can deal with him much better than you can.

very sincerely,
dandylion

FireSprite

I agree, not easy, but you ARE doing the right thing. I can't speak from the exact same situation, but if you only just bailed him out a month ago & his troubles have increased in that time, it seems like that solution didn't work before & likely won't again, right? In a way, one of the best things I ever did for RAH was to take my hands off the wheel when he was arrested & leave him to his own consequences. I never attended a single court appearance & he was in jail nearly a week before he found a way to bond out.

Do you think he is sick from detoxing?

Hangnbyathread

You ARE doing the right thing!!!!!

Making bail doesn't make him guilty or innocent. It just gets him out of jail until the rest takes it course in the courts.

The correctional system has dealt with every health condition imaginable. They, by law will have to attend to his health needs. He won't starve, dehydrate, or die there. So all of his complaints...blah blah blah.

You bailed him out once....here we are at number 2. Learning anything yet?

You are doing the right thing!!!!!!

And yes this is coming from personal experience. My brother called me to bail him out from a felony arrest. I didn't. He didn't starve, dehydrate or die in the process. Amazingly he called a Bail Bondsman who DID bail him out and made it all the way through the court and sentencing without my help either.

And I have had ZERO problems with him in my life since.

Enabler1

Thanks for all the replies. My therapist is on vacation (UGH) I am trying to find a good AL-a-non meeting. Have gone to a few, mostly I am going to an FA meeting. I will not go to the hearing, he will have to work this out through his public defender, probation officer. I have been isolating, and not have left the house in 4 days. I so enjoy and appreciate the people in this forum.

dandylion

Enabler, I understand. Sometimes, i had a hard time just putting one foot in front of another.
Yes, you do need to get out of the house and be around people...at least for limited periods (even if y ou don't feel like it).
You will probably be preoccupied with this for a while....
Try to be good to yourself....just do the next right thing.

dandylion

KariSue

My son is in jail too. In the past I have bailed him out but not this time. He will be using a public defender. Well actually there is no bail this time as he had a VOP (violation of probation). But I'll never bail him out again.

My husband and I do visit once a week (which is all they are allowed). He has been in 2 weeks now and is scheduled for a court hearing on 2/27. I'm not sure if I'll go or not.

I also write to him.

If your son is sick, they'll take care of him. I'm not sure why he isn't eating. My son said the food is horrible and they don't get enough. We send him care packs you can buy with snacks. Maybe we shouldn't but also he isn't being a pain....so far.

His m.o. is the 'feel sorry for me' act too. It IS really rough. We struggle not to enable. It IS hard.

I don't have any advice but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in this.

We are able to block his calls if we want to. We don't because his daughter is with me after school and that way he can talk to her. You can probably have his calls blocked. Do you have to go through Securus for phone calls?

Hugs, Kari

Enabler1

Thanks Kari Sue: I just talked to him, he said the other inmates are taking his food; and his bond will be reduced. He will also be on a "scram bracelet." I think I am going to have to block his calls. It Is hard. I did send him $100 for commissary, which I think is all going to phone calls to beg to get out. He can spend a little time in jail it won't kill him He has been close to death on the outside many times. Thanks, for sharing.