Yesterday: Found Alcohol in My Wife's Trunk
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 129
Dear Concerned,
Do not take this lightly. Do not believe anything she says. Alcoholism is without question a progressively destructive disease- it will take you and your kids down with it unless you protect yourself. Set limits and be prepared to follow-through. Read everything, and listen to the vast and collective wisdom here on this site. What you are up against is, frankly, beyond your comprehension at this time. Go to al-anon, and continue to repeat these words- you didn't cause it (regardless of what she says), you can't control it and you can't cure it. This disease took my wife from me, and I still cannot comprehend it's power.
Do not take this lightly. Do not believe anything she says. Alcoholism is without question a progressively destructive disease- it will take you and your kids down with it unless you protect yourself. Set limits and be prepared to follow-through. Read everything, and listen to the vast and collective wisdom here on this site. What you are up against is, frankly, beyond your comprehension at this time. Go to al-anon, and continue to repeat these words- you didn't cause it (regardless of what she says), you can't control it and you can't cure it. This disease took my wife from me, and I still cannot comprehend it's power.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 9
You've all been so great, and so very helpful. Please know that.
UPDATE:
I sent her this email yesterday afternoon. It was kind, but very stern. Some of it may not makes sense to you, but does to her.
I'm sending this to you so you know where I stand. So that you can read how I feel without being obligated to reply. So please, don't reply unless there's something constructive to offer. I'm not mad. I'm not angry. I'm in a state of mind where I'm just handling business that needs to be handled. I don't have the capacity to deal with deflections, anger, comparisons, score keeping, etc.
I love you. But I also have to protect and love myself, and our children.
About one hour later she came home early from work. Which was a nice gesture considering how seriously she does take work. On that topic, work is a big cause of her stress. And alcohol is a reprieve from that. We had a very healthy, very calm talk. We both felt better afterwards. She said she will not drink during November/December. And that she'll bring this up with her doctor at her appointment next month. She's worried about her anxiety and feels "in-control" of herself. And understands my concerns and how bad things may look. She guarantees there's no problem but acknowledges the signs of a problem lurking with her lapse in judgment. I reminded her to be aware of any excuse making, like stress, or situational drinking that could cause another lapse in judgment. Anyway, good talk. Probably couldn't have gotten to a healthy moment without all of you and your suggestions. I thank you. I will keep you updated as I'm sure it won't be all roses. Nothing ever is. But for now, I feel much better than I did a few days ago about where she stands, where I stand, and where we stand.
UPDATE:
I sent her this email yesterday afternoon. It was kind, but very stern. Some of it may not makes sense to you, but does to her.
I'm sending this to you so you know where I stand. So that you can read how I feel without being obligated to reply. So please, don't reply unless there's something constructive to offer. I'm not mad. I'm not angry. I'm in a state of mind where I'm just handling business that needs to be handled. I don't have the capacity to deal with deflections, anger, comparisons, score keeping, etc.
- Concerns about drinking were deflected and turned around back on me.
- While the deflections may be true, they don't change the impact and concerns that I have. It just avoids and dismisses them. And they weren't discussed.
- Hiding alcohol and being embarrassed about it, is a big cause for concern.
- You said you wouldn't drink anymore. That's very vague. Is there a plan? Or just long enough to convince me that everything is okay?
- December seems to be a problem month. I've mentioned my concern about November/December. Maybe there is a connection?
- I will remove myself from destructive behavior. I will remove our children from destructive behavior. Mine, yours, or anyone's.
- All I can control and cure is me. Nothing I did causes a certain behavior from you. I am in control of myself.
I love you. But I also have to protect and love myself, and our children.
About one hour later she came home early from work. Which was a nice gesture considering how seriously she does take work. On that topic, work is a big cause of her stress. And alcohol is a reprieve from that. We had a very healthy, very calm talk. We both felt better afterwards. She said she will not drink during November/December. And that she'll bring this up with her doctor at her appointment next month. She's worried about her anxiety and feels "in-control" of herself. And understands my concerns and how bad things may look. She guarantees there's no problem but acknowledges the signs of a problem lurking with her lapse in judgment. I reminded her to be aware of any excuse making, like stress, or situational drinking that could cause another lapse in judgment. Anyway, good talk. Probably couldn't have gotten to a healthy moment without all of you and your suggestions. I thank you. I will keep you updated as I'm sure it won't be all roses. Nothing ever is. But for now, I feel much better than I did a few days ago about where she stands, where I stand, and where we stand.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
She feels in control but is worried about her anxiety?
It went from I won't drink to I won't drink in Nov and Dec?
I am glad you feel better but these are two big red flags. Thing is, alcoholics are EXPERT negotiators. She has a whole 11 months to drink away and not worry about it.
Not trying to be harsh. As someone else said, more will be revealed.
PS...Woodman, it's so good to see you here! Make a post on how things are going for you, we worry!
It went from I won't drink to I won't drink in Nov and Dec?
I am glad you feel better but these are two big red flags. Thing is, alcoholics are EXPERT negotiators. She has a whole 11 months to drink away and not worry about it.
Not trying to be harsh. As someone else said, more will be revealed.
PS...Woodman, it's so good to see you here! Make a post on how things are going for you, we worry!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
She feels in control but is worried about her anxiety?
It went from I won't drink to I won't drink in Nov and Dec?
I am glad you feel better but these are two big red flags. Thing is, alcoholics are EXPERT negotiators. She has a whole 11 months to drink away and not worry about it.
Not trying to be harsh. As someone else said, more will be revealed.
PS...Woodman, it's so good to see you here! Make a post on how things are going for you, we worry!
It went from I won't drink to I won't drink in Nov and Dec?
I am glad you feel better but these are two big red flags. Thing is, alcoholics are EXPERT negotiators. She has a whole 11 months to drink away and not worry about it.
Not trying to be harsh. As someone else said, more will be revealed.
PS...Woodman, it's so good to see you here! Make a post on how things are going for you, we worry!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by ConcernedSAHD
She said she will not drink during November/December.
My AH talked to his doctor about the alcohol as well, even asked if there was a pill they made to help him stop craving the whiskey. Even the Dr. told him that the only thing that would help him would be AA. My AH is good at hiding his whiskey, most of them are. Talking about it is a good start but I am sure you have heard from others wiser than me, actions speak louder than words.
Take care!
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by ConcernedSAHD
She's worried about her anxiety and feels "in-control" of herself.
It's good to hear you and your wife had a wonderful conversation. I certainly don't want to plant any doubts in your mind, but here's a little more information on my situation. My husband also has anxiety issues. I think that's what led to the circumstances my husband and I find ourselves in today.
He also thought he could control and moderate his alcohol consumption. He tried for six months. It wasn't until the blackouts that he realized he needed help. He certainly was not in control. Since then, as you know, he's had a few relapses. He's into his third week of no alcohol, and he hopes to continue with 100% abstinence. It probably helped that I had a conversation with him last week and told him I would not live with alcoholism in my life. He needed to make a 100% commitment to his recovery. No more alcohol.
I hope it all works out well for you and your wife. It isn't such a straight forward problem to tackle. Thankfully, a lot of folks here have certainly been wonderful and supportive. Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
Glad to hear you are feeling calmer and better about things than a few days ago.
Sounds like you had a good conversation. Maybe it was the jolt she really needed to get perspective on her own issues.
My biggest concern would be that going from having a drinking problem (which her previous behavior supports) to drinking nothing, cold turkey, long term, without support/treatment/AA and sustaining that abstinence over the long haul, especially in the face of stress or whatever her triggers are, is challenging. When someone loses their coping skill (drinking) without replacing it with something healthier, they may turn to other negative alternatives or lose their resolve and go back to what is familiar. I hope she has other good outlets and support for managing stress. Stopping drinking is actually pretty easy, it's staying quit that is the hard part.
But I think you've gotten the crash course here on what is going on and what to be on the lookout for. If/when at some point in the future there are any drinking issues that arise/cross your boundaries, it does not mean things are hopeless. For many, quitting (and staying quit) takes practice. If I were in your shoes, I would add a new boundary that would be that I (and my children) are not going to live with someone with a drinking problem/an alcoholic unless they are sober, in recovery, and working a formal program (be that AA, therapy, rehab, all 3, whatever...). For me to hang in there through round 2, would require a commitment to treatment, not just "stopping".
I sincerely hope she is one of the few who just needed a wake-up call and this will be enough. If not, and somewhere down the line-weeks, months, years you find that drinking is still an issue, still try not to get too discouraged. For many there are stops and starts on the way to recovery-it can be a bumpy road, but worth the effort if all parties involved want it and are committed to doing the hard work required to get there.
Sounds like you had a good conversation. Maybe it was the jolt she really needed to get perspective on her own issues.
My biggest concern would be that going from having a drinking problem (which her previous behavior supports) to drinking nothing, cold turkey, long term, without support/treatment/AA and sustaining that abstinence over the long haul, especially in the face of stress or whatever her triggers are, is challenging. When someone loses their coping skill (drinking) without replacing it with something healthier, they may turn to other negative alternatives or lose their resolve and go back to what is familiar. I hope she has other good outlets and support for managing stress. Stopping drinking is actually pretty easy, it's staying quit that is the hard part.
But I think you've gotten the crash course here on what is going on and what to be on the lookout for. If/when at some point in the future there are any drinking issues that arise/cross your boundaries, it does not mean things are hopeless. For many, quitting (and staying quit) takes practice. If I were in your shoes, I would add a new boundary that would be that I (and my children) are not going to live with someone with a drinking problem/an alcoholic unless they are sober, in recovery, and working a formal program (be that AA, therapy, rehab, all 3, whatever...). For me to hang in there through round 2, would require a commitment to treatment, not just "stopping".
I sincerely hope she is one of the few who just needed a wake-up call and this will be enough. If not, and somewhere down the line-weeks, months, years you find that drinking is still an issue, still try not to get too discouraged. For many there are stops and starts on the way to recovery-it can be a bumpy road, but worth the effort if all parties involved want it and are committed to doing the hard work required to get there.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
I give you a AAAAAAA++++++++++. Great job. I know that when we are angry, oftentimes very justifiably so, it is easy to forget the golden rule "Do unto others as we would have done unto ourselves." Sounds like you followed that rule and had I been the recipient of that letter would have found it clear, concise, and to the point. It sounded loving, not accusatory, and you stood your ground without turning it into a war zone. If I were her I think your boundary would be crystal clear. Sometime ago I attended a meeting where there was a gent who had been sober for quite some time. He found himself secretly drinking a beer here and there, had received a boundary, and had come to the meeting to get back on track before things got out of hand. I think kind, clear, concise boundaries that are stated directly, in love can be remarkably effective. One cannot know what the future holds but I wish you and yours PEACE.
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