Yesterday: Found Alcohol in My Wife's Trunk
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by chronsweet 
nods emphatically.
you mean placing a beer can under the bathroom sink isn't normal?
you mean placing a beer can under the bathroom sink isn't normal?
The toilet tank will keep it colder.
Bourbon,on the other hand, can go under the sink.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 9
UPDATE:
1. She deflected our conversation last night into a prior conversation and accused me of not trusting her. It turned into an argument over other issues, what a shame.
2. She swears the beer in the trunk was the first time. Two days, two beers. (I know, right?) But I'm inclined to believe her based on the knowledge I have, for now.
3. She's volunteered not to drink anymore. Does everyone do this? How long does it last before the hiding and drinking resumes?
4. She asked me not to tell anyone because she was embarrassed about the decision to drink and drive. I told her I wouldn't do that.
I look at this and see there are red flags everywhere. Is it normal for me to feel like even though I acknowledge these red flags I still believe her? I don't want to drive myself crazy double checking but I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes either.
She was extremely adamant about her honesty. So much so that I acknowledged the fact that any deception moving forward would be detrimental to my ability to trust her. I definitely didn't want to have the conversation go there, I was just trying to understand where her mind is/was.
1. She deflected our conversation last night into a prior conversation and accused me of not trusting her. It turned into an argument over other issues, what a shame.
2. She swears the beer in the trunk was the first time. Two days, two beers. (I know, right?) But I'm inclined to believe her based on the knowledge I have, for now.
3. She's volunteered not to drink anymore. Does everyone do this? How long does it last before the hiding and drinking resumes?
4. She asked me not to tell anyone because she was embarrassed about the decision to drink and drive. I told her I wouldn't do that.
I look at this and see there are red flags everywhere. Is it normal for me to feel like even though I acknowledge these red flags I still believe her? I don't want to drive myself crazy double checking but I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes either.
She was extremely adamant about her honesty. So much so that I acknowledged the fact that any deception moving forward would be detrimental to my ability to trust her. I definitely didn't want to have the conversation go there, I was just trying to understand where her mind is/was.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 57
concerned, I think the best policy would be to give her random breathaylzers from a good company. That is what I'm planning to do when my husband returns from detox. It proves that they are, in fact, drinking and breaks through the denial process.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Concerned, what is your boundary that you are prepared to act on if she does not stop drinking and it becomes clear one day? If you have one, how are you going to tell her ahead of time?
Sorry, do not mean to be pushy but in the face of active addiction your options are limited- you can do all kinds of stuff that lead to a lot of strife without changing the situation.
Sorry, do not mean to be pushy but in the face of active addiction your options are limited- you can do all kinds of stuff that lead to a lot of strife without changing the situation.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Southeastern Michigan
Posts: 137
Originally Posted by Mylaststraw
concerned, I think the best policy would be to give her random breathaylzers from a good company. That is what I'm planning to do when my husband returns from detox. It proves that they are, in fact, drinking and breaks through the denial process.
Wow--such a lot of time spent to be able to say, "Yep--you're using!" And then what?
Why not look into how you can live YOUR best life without being your spouse's policeman?!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by schnappi99
Concerned, what is your boundary that you are prepared to act on if she does not stop drinking and it becomes clear one day? If you have one, how are you going to tell her ahead of time?
Sorry, do not mean to be pushy but in the face of active addiction your options are limited- you can do all kinds of stuff that lead to a lot of strife without changing the situation.
Sorry, do not mean to be pushy but in the face of active addiction your options are limited- you can do all kinds of stuff that lead to a lot of strife without changing the situation.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Getting there but a boundary has to be very firm, no "changes must be made"- but a specfic response if her drinking continues (ie; I leave with the children). If she is drinking as the red flags suggest then there is no argument that you can make which will convince her in the long run at least.
If you do choose to make such a boundary please consider how to deliver it with some sensitivity. I rubbed C&C's face in it the night of our bottom- rude and judgy and I don't recommend it. OTOH maybe theres no easy well to tell it but there must be less rude ways.
There isn't room for benefit of the doubt, you're not accusing- just stating your position on how you will respond if the drinking continues. If it does its likely to reach a point where there is no more hiding it. Maybe you could play detective and make yourself crazy (and promose a lot of discord) discovering it sooner. But being crazy isn't a good place to be if this all turns out to be the case.
If you do choose to make such a boundary please consider how to deliver it with some sensitivity. I rubbed C&C's face in it the night of our bottom- rude and judgy and I don't recommend it. OTOH maybe theres no easy well to tell it but there must be less rude ways.
There isn't room for benefit of the doubt, you're not accusing- just stating your position on how you will respond if the drinking continues. If it does its likely to reach a point where there is no more hiding it. Maybe you could play detective and make yourself crazy (and promose a lot of discord) discovering it sooner. But being crazy isn't a good place to be if this all turns out to be the case.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Yeah, lots of red flags. Lots of common behaviors.
I agree with schnappi though - now's the time to learn about & define your boundaries.
Boundaries aren't ultimatums, they tend to be "I" statements: "I won't ride in a car with someone who has been driving." "I won't live with an active alcoholic." Since I can't control the other people around me (can't force them to stop drinking or to moderate, etc.) then it's up to me to honor my boundaries because I CAN control me. So, I call a cab or get a ride. I ask AH to leave or I take my child & go myself if he refuses. There are about a billion old threads worth reading on this issue because it's a difficult but frequent topic.
Another thing to think about - not every alcoholic has reached an awareness of knowing that they ARE indeed, addicts. Denial is HUGE in this disease, enormous, gigantic. The ego NEEDS it & uses it & other methods to protect the disease at all costs. She may not really see herself clearly, she may not accept the truths.
I agree with schnappi though - now's the time to learn about & define your boundaries.
Boundaries aren't ultimatums, they tend to be "I" statements: "I won't ride in a car with someone who has been driving." "I won't live with an active alcoholic." Since I can't control the other people around me (can't force them to stop drinking or to moderate, etc.) then it's up to me to honor my boundaries because I CAN control me. So, I call a cab or get a ride. I ask AH to leave or I take my child & go myself if he refuses. There are about a billion old threads worth reading on this issue because it's a difficult but frequent topic.
Another thing to think about - not every alcoholic has reached an awareness of knowing that they ARE indeed, addicts. Denial is HUGE in this disease, enormous, gigantic. The ego NEEDS it & uses it & other methods to protect the disease at all costs. She may not really see herself clearly, she may not accept the truths.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 46
Originally Posted by ConcernedSAHD
UPDATE:
1. She deflected our conversation last night into a prior conversation and accused me of not trusting her. My husband did the same.
2. She swears the beer in the trunk was the first time. Two days, two beers. (I know, right?) But I'm inclined to believe her based on the knowledge I have, for now.
3. She's volunteered not to drink anymore. Does everyone do this? How long does it last before the hiding and drinking resumes? My husband promised not to drink anymore, too. It only took four weeks and then the hiding and deception started.
4. She asked me not to tell anyone because she was embarrassed about the decision to drink and drive. I told her I wouldn't do that.Ditto with my husband. However, I confidentially told one of my sister-in-laws. I wanted someone on his side of the family to know.
So much so that I acknowledged the fact that any deception moving forward would be detrimental to my ability to trust her.
1. She deflected our conversation last night into a prior conversation and accused me of not trusting her. My husband did the same.
2. She swears the beer in the trunk was the first time. Two days, two beers. (I know, right?) But I'm inclined to believe her based on the knowledge I have, for now.
3. She's volunteered not to drink anymore. Does everyone do this? How long does it last before the hiding and drinking resumes? My husband promised not to drink anymore, too. It only took four weeks and then the hiding and deception started.
4. She asked me not to tell anyone because she was embarrassed about the decision to drink and drive. I told her I wouldn't do that.Ditto with my husband. However, I confidentially told one of my sister-in-laws. I wanted someone on his side of the family to know.
So much so that I acknowledged the fact that any deception moving forward would be detrimental to my ability to trust her.
Concerned - Both of our experiences are quite similar with the exception of being a month apart. Keep reading the comments and advice from others. There are many wise individuals on this site who have gone before us. Hang in there.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
SAHD-I think you are right, huge red flags, and I think you are normal-or want to believe her. Truth is-you just don't know. I mean sure, here always us a "first time", or a "lapse in judgement" (or in your wife's case a second time/lapse in judgement-2 beers, 2 days). You will hear "more will be revealed"-had an issue with my (soulmate, would never lie to me, betray me kind f guy) husband where I saw red flags, he was adamant, I wanted to believe, but deep down I just wasn't sure. As they say, later "More was revealed" and it turned out he was lying. That led to another issue on which I had to make a call on is he telling the truth or lying. Again, he was adamant-why should I believe him? But ultimately, on that on I chose to believe him, my gut was ok with it, I've never found other reasons not to trust it, and that's what we are operating on. He's in recovery now and plenty of other dirty laundry has been aired, so I'm good with trusting him on that one, but the truth is I'll never know for 100% sure.
In items 1-4 and your last paragraph, those are ALL typical reactions you would expect from someone with a drinking problem-AKA an alcoholic. They are not really reactions you would expect from someone who does not have a drinking problem.
How long will she be able to stay away from alcohol? Hard to say-a few days, weeks, maybe even months if she has strong will power to really white knuckle through. Without treatment or AA or other support (which doesn't seem likely since she doesn't want anyone to know) I doubt she'll make it much longer than that. And since she has already hidden it before and since the cutting back she is doing now is for you and not for her, I wouldn't be surprised if she hides it when she starts back.
As Schnapps said-you can police her hardcore or more covertly (and you probably will). Whatever your window before she starts again, you get to use this time to keep educating yourself and figure out what your boundary will be and hunk about whether you will tell her this boundary in advance or not-that is up to you. Eventually she will probably drink again and you will know-you'll see it in her eyes or hear it in her speech or wines it in her behavior, or find it in her trunk or underwater drawer, or she'll have legal or work consequences. You will know. When it happens, what will you do? I.e. I will not be around you when you have been drinking? And then either she leaves or you leave with the kids. And then the next day when sober, I will not live with or allow my children to live with an active alcoholic. Ideally this is when she starts o figure it out and agrees to seek treatment of some type-AA, IOP, rehab, etc. if not, hopefully you have taken advice here to have mobilized a plan B for you and your kid(s).
It's tough, but sounds like she has a lot of good in her life to work hard to keep. No doubt you love her. I hope she figured it out. Recovery is hard but worth it, for all involved.
Take care-
In items 1-4 and your last paragraph, those are ALL typical reactions you would expect from someone with a drinking problem-AKA an alcoholic. They are not really reactions you would expect from someone who does not have a drinking problem.
How long will she be able to stay away from alcohol? Hard to say-a few days, weeks, maybe even months if she has strong will power to really white knuckle through. Without treatment or AA or other support (which doesn't seem likely since she doesn't want anyone to know) I doubt she'll make it much longer than that. And since she has already hidden it before and since the cutting back she is doing now is for you and not for her, I wouldn't be surprised if she hides it when she starts back.
As Schnapps said-you can police her hardcore or more covertly (and you probably will). Whatever your window before she starts again, you get to use this time to keep educating yourself and figure out what your boundary will be and hunk about whether you will tell her this boundary in advance or not-that is up to you. Eventually she will probably drink again and you will know-you'll see it in her eyes or hear it in her speech or wines it in her behavior, or find it in her trunk or underwater drawer, or she'll have legal or work consequences. You will know. When it happens, what will you do? I.e. I will not be around you when you have been drinking? And then either she leaves or you leave with the kids. And then the next day when sober, I will not live with or allow my children to live with an active alcoholic. Ideally this is when she starts o figure it out and agrees to seek treatment of some type-AA, IOP, rehab, etc. if not, hopefully you have taken advice here to have mobilized a plan B for you and your kid(s).
It's tough, but sounds like she has a lot of good in her life to work hard to keep. No doubt you love her. I hope she figured it out. Recovery is hard but worth it, for all involved.
Take care-
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Concerned, yeah, some of that can drive you crazy especially if you're constantly trying to find her out, her hiding places, is she really drinking etc. I've done this too but mainly because I didn't trust my gut for so long. I didn't trust it because he had me questioning myself when I would ask. I finally quit doing that. You know her. You know what is normal. You don't need a breathalyzer because you have your gut instinct. Trust it. Since I started trusting myself I haven't been wrong yet.
And yes, know what you're willing to put up with and plan appropriately.
And yes, know what you're willing to put up with and plan appropriately.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Originally Posted by ConcernedSAHD
UPDATE:
1. She deflected our conversation last night into a prior conversation and accused me of not trusting her. It turned into an argument over other issues, what a shame.
2. She swears the beer in the trunk was the first time. Two days, two beers. (I know, right?) But I'm inclined to believe her based on the knowledge I have, for now.
3. She's volunteered not to drink anymore. Does everyone do this? How long does it last before the hiding and drinking resumes?
4. She asked me not to tell anyone because she was embarrassed about the decision to drink and drive. I told her I wouldn't do that. .
1. She deflected our conversation last night into a prior conversation and accused me of not trusting her. It turned into an argument over other issues, what a shame.
2. She swears the beer in the trunk was the first time. Two days, two beers. (I know, right?) But I'm inclined to believe her based on the knowledge I have, for now.
3. She's volunteered not to drink anymore. Does everyone do this? How long does it last before the hiding and drinking resumes?
4. She asked me not to tell anyone because she was embarrassed about the decision to drink and drive. I told her I wouldn't do that. .
2. Its always the first time. The only first about this time is its the first time you caught her.
3. Addicts have the best intentions. No one wants to be one I assure you. Denial is life bread. Trust that she spends a lot of time trying to convince herself that she is not an alcoholic. At some point most A's volunteer not to drink, you should think about her situation. She is saying that to appease YOU. How long it will last depends. A day, a week, a month. No one can tell you but what I am certain of is that if she is an alcoholic and if she is white knuckling she will resume drinking.
4. Being secretive is also another life source of an A. She's got you onto her do you think she wants to deal with other sets of eyes watching her, monitoring her? Think she wants to deal with other people questioning if she has a problem? No she does not. Embarrassed? Eh….maybe. More likely just protecting the addiction because that is what addicts do. And you have agreed with her.
It may appear that you you are controlling this situation, you aren't. She is driving the boat my friend. I understand why you want to believe her - you really shouldn't. No one hides alcohol unless they have an issue with it. Here is my experience and the experience of others here - by the time you find out there is lots been going on that you have no idea about.
You cannot build a wall high enough to contain her and that's the truth. Study the 3 C's, can't control it, can't cure it didn't cause it. I highly recommend you start Al Anon. I also highly recommend that you do not spend time trying to find her hiding places, nor that you breathalyze her its a waste of time. If she is drinking you will know. More is always revealed.
Sorry for what you are going through - hang in there.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
1) that would be me if there was truth to what was said to me and denial on my part.
2)first time I got caught.
3)Welp, not sure if everyone, but i did. Until the storm passed.
4) good on ya. No need to make private matters public.
Normal for the feelings? Welp, when I was on your side I had em. My problem was I kept pulling the wool back over my eyes.
I'm guessing ya got some doubts. Understandable. Prolly some past experiences poppin up adding more red flags?
trust isn't earned through words. It's actions.
Broken trust is hard to regain.
Love can be a bugger. Just because I love someone doesn't mean I trust them or approve of or accept their behavior or actions.
I give ya lots of credit for not being in denial about this.
2)first time I got caught.
3)Welp, not sure if everyone, but i did. Until the storm passed.
4) good on ya. No need to make private matters public.
Normal for the feelings? Welp, when I was on your side I had em. My problem was I kept pulling the wool back over my eyes.
I'm guessing ya got some doubts. Understandable. Prolly some past experiences poppin up adding more red flags?
trust isn't earned through words. It's actions.
Broken trust is hard to regain.
Love can be a bugger. Just because I love someone doesn't mean I trust them or approve of or accept their behavior or actions.
I give ya lots of credit for not being in denial about this.
Originally Posted by ConcernedSAHD
UPDATE:
1. She deflected our conversation last night into a prior conversation and accused me of not trusting her. It turned into an argument over other issues, what a shame.
2. She swears the beer in the trunk was the first time. Two days, two beers. (I know, right?) But I'm inclined to believe her based on the knowledge I have, for now.
3. She's volunteered not to drink anymore. Does everyone do this? How long does it last before the hiding and drinking resumes?
4. She asked me not to tell anyone because she was embarrassed about the decision to drink and drive. I told her I wouldn't do that.
I look at this and see there are red flags everywhere. Is it normal for me to feel like even though I acknowledge these red flags I still believe her? I don't want to drive myself crazy double checking but I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes either.
She was extremely adamant about her honesty. So much so that I acknowledged the fact that any deception moving forward would be detrimental to my ability to trust her. I definitely didn't want to have the conversation go there, I was just trying to understand where her mind is/was.
1. She deflected our conversation last night into a prior conversation and accused me of not trusting her. It turned into an argument over other issues, what a shame.
2. She swears the beer in the trunk was the first time. Two days, two beers. (I know, right?) But I'm inclined to believe her based on the knowledge I have, for now.
3. She's volunteered not to drink anymore. Does everyone do this? How long does it last before the hiding and drinking resumes?
4. She asked me not to tell anyone because she was embarrassed about the decision to drink and drive. I told her I wouldn't do that.
I look at this and see there are red flags everywhere. Is it normal for me to feel like even though I acknowledge these red flags I still believe her? I don't want to drive myself crazy double checking but I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes either.
She was extremely adamant about her honesty. So much so that I acknowledged the fact that any deception moving forward would be detrimental to my ability to trust her. I definitely didn't want to have the conversation go there, I was just trying to understand where her mind is/was.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I co-sign everything redatlanta said.
Sometimes you don't get facts, sometimes all you get is red flags. You can choose to believe her or not, but if I were you I might sit back and let the events unfold and reserve judgement for when you can see where all these red flags are staked. Her version of events is conveniently designed to help you minimize what appears to be textbook alcoholic behavior.
For some reason the alcoholic number of choice is always two. It's such a small number, but admits there was more than one of whatever "it" is -- two beers, two days, two airplane-sized bottles of vodka, two weeks, two margaritas, two, two, two. Two is such a normal number. Watch out for those twos. Hang out on these boards long enough and you'll hear it over and over again -- it's not just your A, all these As have only had two beers, and two beers isn't that bad, right? Right?
Sometimes you don't get facts, sometimes all you get is red flags. You can choose to believe her or not, but if I were you I might sit back and let the events unfold and reserve judgement for when you can see where all these red flags are staked. Her version of events is conveniently designed to help you minimize what appears to be textbook alcoholic behavior.
For some reason the alcoholic number of choice is always two. It's such a small number, but admits there was more than one of whatever "it" is -- two beers, two days, two airplane-sized bottles of vodka, two weeks, two margaritas, two, two, two. Two is such a normal number. Watch out for those twos. Hang out on these boards long enough and you'll hear it over and over again -- it's not just your A, all these As have only had two beers, and two beers isn't that bad, right? Right?
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
Originally Posted by ConcernedSAHD
UPDATE:
1. She deflected our conversation last night into a prior conversation and accused me of not trusting her. It turned into an argument over other issues, what a shame.
2. She swears the beer in the trunk was the first time. Two days, two beers. (I know, right?) But I'm inclined to believe her based on the knowledge I have, for now.
3. She's volunteered not to drink anymore. Does everyone do this? How long does it last before the hiding and drinking resumes?
4. She asked me not to tell anyone because she was embarrassed about the decision to drink and drive. I told her I wouldn't do that.
I look at this and see there are red flags everywhere. Is it normal for me to feel like even though I acknowledge these red flags I still believe her? I don't want to drive myself crazy double checking but I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes either.
She was extremely adamant about her honesty. So much so that I acknowledged the fact that any deception moving forward would be detrimental to my ability to trust her. I definitely didn't want to have the conversation go there, I was just trying to understand where her mind is/was.
1. She deflected our conversation last night into a prior conversation and accused me of not trusting her. It turned into an argument over other issues, what a shame.
2. She swears the beer in the trunk was the first time. Two days, two beers. (I know, right?) But I'm inclined to believe her based on the knowledge I have, for now.
3. She's volunteered not to drink anymore. Does everyone do this? How long does it last before the hiding and drinking resumes?
4. She asked me not to tell anyone because she was embarrassed about the decision to drink and drive. I told her I wouldn't do that.
I look at this and see there are red flags everywhere. Is it normal for me to feel like even though I acknowledge these red flags I still believe her? I don't want to drive myself crazy double checking but I don't want the wool pulled over my eyes either.
She was extremely adamant about her honesty. So much so that I acknowledged the fact that any deception moving forward would be detrimental to my ability to trust her. I definitely didn't want to have the conversation go there, I was just trying to understand where her mind is/was.
2. So many "first times" and "only times" - as an RA - I'd be concerned about this. There's a pattern forming here.
3. Volunteered not drinking. Without a plan in place, I'd be surprised if that lasted longer than a few weeks. I'm suspecting she is still in a place of denial (which is normal, hell I was in denial for years). She needs a plan. AA? Counselling? AVRT? something...
4. I can understand her embarrassment of the drinking & driving (I have TWO DUIs - not my proudest moments) - however, it also just reinforces secrets (IMO). And not wanting to be held accountable...let's just "pretend" that didn't happen. Until it happens again.
You are right. There are bright, red, waving, screaming flags all over this. I have to say, you are handling this very well
Keep the lines of communication as open as you can. And keep your eyes open even more.
Glad you found this place.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I can understand her embarrassment of the drinking & driving (I have TWO DUIs - not my proudest moments) - however, it also just reinforces secrets (IMO). And not wanting to be held accountable...let's just "pretend" that didn't happen. Until it happens again.
It's a yucky thing to ask a partner, to keep everything looking normal while the sickness rages under the surface. It was toxic in my marriage, and life only improved for me when I started talking about the issue to our families, counselors, doctors, and friends. What people DO with that information is out of your control -- some decide to continue enabling the addict -- but it will let you know very quickly where your safe spots and people are.
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Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 235
Originally Posted by Mylaststraw
concerned, I think the best policy would be to give her random breathaylzers from a good company. That is what I'm planning to do when my husband returns from detox. It proves that they are, in fact, drinking and breaks through the denial process.
Whenever I asked my XAH to take a breathalyzer he told me to go **** myself.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
Thoughts on this having been your wife and got the t-shirt. I too agree with Jupiters thoughts wholeheartedly.
1. She deflected our conversation last night into a prior conversation and accused me of not trusting her. It turned into an argument over other issues, what a shame.: classic behavior on our part. Being confronted about a drinking issue is EMBARRASSING. It is much easier to change the topic as fast as possible particularly when we're not at the point we have acknowledged to ourselves we have an issue. Too we may know we have a problem (I did for a long time) but I really didn't want to change.
2. She swears the beer in the trunk was the first time. Two days, two beers. (I know, right?) But I'm inclined to believe her based on the knowledge I have, for now. : Dunno about this one. More will be revealed in time.
3. She's volunteered not to drink anymore. Does everyone do this? How long does it last before the hiding and drinking resumes? : I personally don't recall ever saying I wouldn't drink since until the last drink I had no intention of not drinking. Certainly said I'd cut back which really meant I will cut back that I consume that you know about. As far as how long this period will last if she truly is addicted. Can't say, depends on how scared she is right now. Never underestimate the power of fear to cause at least short term sobriety. Could be a week, month, however long if she's drinking to cope with stress how long until the next trigger occurs.
4. She asked me not to tell anyone because she was embarrassed about the decision to drink and drive. I told her I wouldn't do that.: This I completely understand from her perspective. Having friends and family know "outs you" and you can either face the music as an addict or you can stick your head in the sand if you just don't care. Personally I faced the music. It really just depends on the person. I can understand both sides here, you for emotional support, and her for potential embarrassment. It becomes a bit of a weighing pros and cons on your side. If you go this route she'll likely get pretty angry with you BUT she also may get sober.
As I mentioned earlier though and will elaborate a bit more I would be VERY cautious about become obsessed about monitoring her. Go find yourself an Al-Anon meeting, focus on yourself, figure out what your boundaries are and what you're going to do if she crosses them, be clear with her what your boundaries are, and then live your life.
Peace,
Cookies
1. She deflected our conversation last night into a prior conversation and accused me of not trusting her. It turned into an argument over other issues, what a shame.: classic behavior on our part. Being confronted about a drinking issue is EMBARRASSING. It is much easier to change the topic as fast as possible particularly when we're not at the point we have acknowledged to ourselves we have an issue. Too we may know we have a problem (I did for a long time) but I really didn't want to change.
2. She swears the beer in the trunk was the first time. Two days, two beers. (I know, right?) But I'm inclined to believe her based on the knowledge I have, for now. : Dunno about this one. More will be revealed in time.
3. She's volunteered not to drink anymore. Does everyone do this? How long does it last before the hiding and drinking resumes? : I personally don't recall ever saying I wouldn't drink since until the last drink I had no intention of not drinking. Certainly said I'd cut back which really meant I will cut back that I consume that you know about. As far as how long this period will last if she truly is addicted. Can't say, depends on how scared she is right now. Never underestimate the power of fear to cause at least short term sobriety. Could be a week, month, however long if she's drinking to cope with stress how long until the next trigger occurs.
4. She asked me not to tell anyone because she was embarrassed about the decision to drink and drive. I told her I wouldn't do that.: This I completely understand from her perspective. Having friends and family know "outs you" and you can either face the music as an addict or you can stick your head in the sand if you just don't care. Personally I faced the music. It really just depends on the person. I can understand both sides here, you for emotional support, and her for potential embarrassment. It becomes a bit of a weighing pros and cons on your side. If you go this route she'll likely get pretty angry with you BUT she also may get sober.
As I mentioned earlier though and will elaborate a bit more I would be VERY cautious about become obsessed about monitoring her. Go find yourself an Al-Anon meeting, focus on yourself, figure out what your boundaries are and what you're going to do if she crosses them, be clear with her what your boundaries are, and then live your life.
Peace,
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