Yesterday: Found Alcohol in My Wife's Trunk
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by ConcernedSAHD 
Seems like you speak of a lot of balance between taking action, but not in a controlling and judgmental way. Hitting rock bottom before acceptance is a scary notion to think.
I know her well, at least I think I do, and what I know is that she can control is as it is today, and remain high-functioning. But I'm very scared for the future. Fearful that my actions will just promote more hiding and secrecy.
I hope this is ok with jarp, but I would point you to her threads when she started SR. One minute she was dealing with a high-functioning alcoholic & the next minute her world was pretty well flipped 180. (he is working toward sobriety, btw) I always remember her story because of the rapid turn of events.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (10 Ways Family Members Can Help a Loved One with a Drug or Alcohol Problem)
If she's hiding booze in her trunk and sneaking drinks on the drive home from work, I guarantee you have only seen the tip of the iceberg. You have no idea what you don't know yet.
3. Should I be concerned with her hiding alcohol? YES. This is a major red flag. Don't leave the kids alone with her, especially if they're really little. Don't let her drive them around.
4. How to I overcome the hurt of being deceived? Uh, I don't know the answer to that one, I'm still figuring it out.
Her lying is not about you -- it's about the addiction protecting itself, and her ability to maintain her addiction without your interference. For me, the only solution was interfering with the addiction and refusing to accommodate it in my home and with my kids, but unfortunately that also meant letting go of my husband altogether. He still drinks, still lies. His drinking status had nothing to do with me.
Welcome, stick around, keep reflecting and posting questions. A wealth of experience here.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SAHD....keep reading and educating yourself.
Like any alcoholic...she will continue to do what she "has" to do to protect her drinking. Right now, alcohol--the disease--is in control of her. Until she is ready for recovery--she is going to do what she HAS to do to satisfy her powerful compulsions.
Knowing this....the issue for you is: What are you going to do? This will be your challenge.
I will add that, as the person continues down the path...we, who are closest to them begin to alter our own behaviors...often in subtle ways and usually, not at a conscious level. We are usually not even aware that we are doing this! It happens slowly, and m ounts up over time.
We are always a part of the overall "dance" in some ways. It is usually not apparent to us, though.
She already knows how you feel about this. Otherwise she wouldn't be covering up.
You and she already both "know".
As you go along, you will learn m uch and you will gain more clarity.
dandylion
Like any alcoholic...she will continue to do what she "has" to do to protect her drinking. Right now, alcohol--the disease--is in control of her. Until she is ready for recovery--she is going to do what she HAS to do to satisfy her powerful compulsions.
Knowing this....the issue for you is: What are you going to do? This will be your challenge.
I will add that, as the person continues down the path...we, who are closest to them begin to alter our own behaviors...often in subtle ways and usually, not at a conscious level. We are usually not even aware that we are doing this! It happens slowly, and m ounts up over time.
We are always a part of the overall "dance" in some ways. It is usually not apparent to us, though.
She already knows how you feel about this. Otherwise she wouldn't be covering up.
You and she already both "know".
As you go along, you will learn m uch and you will gain more clarity.
dandylion
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Sorry, this is the link I was referring to: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
5. Am I forgetting something or jumping to conclusions? Forgetting something? Not sure where I can answer that. Jumping to conclusions? Yes. And that isn't supposed to be a bad thing. You are not stupid. Trust me you will feel plenty of that before this is over.[/QUOTE]
Aha! This is what I have problems with - jumping to conclusions -
Light bulb moment: THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A BAD THING.
Thanks for the insight!
Aha! This is what I have problems with - jumping to conclusions -
Light bulb moment: THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A BAD THING.
Thanks for the insight!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 273
You have been given lots of great advice and suggestions for moving forward. I speak from the recovering “A” side of things and in full disclosure I am Schnappi’s wife (who responded earlier in this thread.) Your thread resonates with me very much because I was your wife and my husband very easily could have been writing your post verbatim. I speak from the perspective of “if we had a crystal ball” and if we had to do it all over again knowing what we do now what would we have done differently. I will say perhaps in my own defense, that there are some problem drinkers/alcoholics that will never stop drinking no matter how far down they go. There are some people however, you may not encounter these stories on this forum, where our “bottom” isn’t as far down. We are in the category of “not yets” and I accept this and know this. When faced with the ultimatum of family or booze I chose my family. It got me sober and keeps me sober. I don’t mean to throw my husband under the bus in any of my answers here but merely some thoughts from the trenches.
It turns out she drank the beer while driving home from work. The excuse is that her job is very stressful around the holidays, and that she recognizes the big mistake. My concern is the overall growing frequency and amount in which she drinks. Usually, it's minimal. But throw in a party, or extreme stress, and clearly self-destructive decisions can be made.
Questions:
1. What is my role in this?- You can’t control how she is choosing to cope with stress. You can however try to be aware of what is stressing her out. Learn how to listen, kindness and empathy are welcomed. Ask “what can I do to help?” and don’t problem solve unless she asks for advice. I work in IT in a team of males and I struggle with just wanting to be heard and not “fixed” constantly. I confess in my drinking days to have justified it by saying to myself “he just doesn't understand me I may as well drink” on more than one occasion. Loneliness and isolation occur on both sides of the aisle.
2. Does my drinking have impact on her? I don't drink often, but when I do drink socially I can consume quite a bit.- No they do not from my perspective. I was an emotional drinker and how much or how little anyone around me did not, nor does it cause temptation. These days “the boundary” keeps me in check but what tempts me is not other people drinking. The vast majority of my problem drinking occurred in secret to medicate stress, anger, anxiety, and fear. I’m not your wife but this is where I was coming from.
3. Should I be concerned with her hiding alcohol? Yes this is very much a sign of at the very least a problem drinker.
4. How to I overcome the hurt of being deceived? I’ll leave this to others to answer. Hurt from being deceived you may never get over.
5. Am I forgetting something or jumping to conclusions. No you are not.
Like your wife I was a high functioning alcoholic and fortunately stopped before any awful things happened however difficult it was on the home front. I don’t think my husband was ready for imposing the boundary until the end but what would have worked and ended my drinking much sooner is the “I will not live with an active alcoholic” ultimatum. One must be ready and prepared to follow-through with such a boundary however. Idle threats are quickly realized by the “A” and we are well known for pushing them if given a chance. For me “I will stop drinking” merely turned into a game of “I will hide it much more carefully” I’ll fully confess but I am not your wife and hopefully this will not be the case with her. I would also add that monitoring expenditures, looking for hiding spots, calculating how much she drinks will merely drive YOU crazy and achieve little in the long run so I’d advise against that approach however tempting it may be for you.
I apologize for the lengthy reply. I realize and regret in hindsight the pain and anguish I put my family through. I wish you well in your journey wherever it may lead.
Peace,
Cookies
It turns out she drank the beer while driving home from work. The excuse is that her job is very stressful around the holidays, and that she recognizes the big mistake. My concern is the overall growing frequency and amount in which she drinks. Usually, it's minimal. But throw in a party, or extreme stress, and clearly self-destructive decisions can be made.
Questions:
1. What is my role in this?- You can’t control how she is choosing to cope with stress. You can however try to be aware of what is stressing her out. Learn how to listen, kindness and empathy are welcomed. Ask “what can I do to help?” and don’t problem solve unless she asks for advice. I work in IT in a team of males and I struggle with just wanting to be heard and not “fixed” constantly. I confess in my drinking days to have justified it by saying to myself “he just doesn't understand me I may as well drink” on more than one occasion. Loneliness and isolation occur on both sides of the aisle.
2. Does my drinking have impact on her? I don't drink often, but when I do drink socially I can consume quite a bit.- No they do not from my perspective. I was an emotional drinker and how much or how little anyone around me did not, nor does it cause temptation. These days “the boundary” keeps me in check but what tempts me is not other people drinking. The vast majority of my problem drinking occurred in secret to medicate stress, anger, anxiety, and fear. I’m not your wife but this is where I was coming from.
3. Should I be concerned with her hiding alcohol? Yes this is very much a sign of at the very least a problem drinker.
4. How to I overcome the hurt of being deceived? I’ll leave this to others to answer. Hurt from being deceived you may never get over.
5. Am I forgetting something or jumping to conclusions. No you are not.
Like your wife I was a high functioning alcoholic and fortunately stopped before any awful things happened however difficult it was on the home front. I don’t think my husband was ready for imposing the boundary until the end but what would have worked and ended my drinking much sooner is the “I will not live with an active alcoholic” ultimatum. One must be ready and prepared to follow-through with such a boundary however. Idle threats are quickly realized by the “A” and we are well known for pushing them if given a chance. For me “I will stop drinking” merely turned into a game of “I will hide it much more carefully” I’ll fully confess but I am not your wife and hopefully this will not be the case with her. I would also add that monitoring expenditures, looking for hiding spots, calculating how much she drinks will merely drive YOU crazy and achieve little in the long run so I’d advise against that approach however tempting it may be for you.
I apologize for the lengthy reply. I realize and regret in hindsight the pain and anguish I put my family through. I wish you well in your journey wherever it may lead.
Peace,
Cookies
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by cookiesncream
You have been given lots of great advice and suggestions for moving forward. I speak from the recovering “A” side of things and in full disclosure I am Schnappi’s wife (who responded earlier in this thread.) Your thread resonates with me very much because I was your wife and my husband very easily could have been writing your post verbatim. I speak from the perspective of “if we had a crystal ball” and if we had to do it all over again knowing what we do now what would we have done differently. I will say perhaps in my own defense, that there are some problem drinkers/alcoholics that will never stop drinking no matter how far down they go. There are some people however, you may not encounter these stories on this forum, where our “bottom” isn’t as far down. We are in the category of “not yets” and I accept this and know this. When faced with the ultimatum of family or booze I chose my family. It got me sober and keeps me sober. I don’t mean to throw my husband under the bus in any of my answers here but merely some thoughts from the trenches.
It turns out she drank the beer while driving home from work. The excuse is that her job is very stressful around the holidays, and that she recognizes the big mistake. My concern is the overall growing frequency and amount in which she drinks. Usually, it's minimal. But throw in a party, or extreme stress, and clearly self-destructive decisions can be made.
Questions:
1. What is my role in this?- You can’t control how she is choosing to cope with stress. You can however try to be aware of what is stressing her out. Learn how to listen, kindness and empathy are welcomed. Ask “what can I do to help?” and don’t problem solve unless she asks for advice. I work in IT in a team of males and I struggle with just wanting to be heard and not “fixed” constantly. I confess in my drinking days to have justified it by saying to myself “he just doesn't understand me I may as well drink” on more than one occasion. Loneliness and isolation occur on both sides of the aisle.
2. Does my drinking have impact on her? I don't drink often, but when I do drink socially I can consume quite a bit.- No they do not from my perspective. I was an emotional drinker and how much or how little anyone around me did not, nor does it cause temptation. These days “the boundary” keeps me in check but what tempts me is not other people drinking. The vast majority of my problem drinking occurred in secret to medicate stress, anger, anxiety, and fear. I’m not your wife but this is where I was coming from.
3. Should I be concerned with her hiding alcohol? Yes this is very much a sign of at the very least a problem drinker.
4. How to I overcome the hurt of being deceived? I’ll leave this to others to answer. Hurt from being deceived you may never get over.
5. Am I forgetting something or jumping to conclusions. No you are not.
Like your wife I was a high functioning alcoholic and fortunately stopped before any awful things happened however difficult it was on the home front. I don’t think my husband was ready for imposing the boundary until the end but what would have worked and ended my drinking much sooner is the “I will not live with an active alcoholic” ultimatum. One must be ready and prepared to follow-through with such a boundary however. Idle threats are quickly realized by the “A” and we are well known for pushing them if given a chance. For me “I will stop drinking” merely turned into a game of “I will hide it much more carefully” I’ll fully confess but I am not your wife and hopefully this will not be the case with her. I would also add that monitoring expenditures, looking for hiding spots, calculating how much she drinks will merely drive YOU crazy and achieve little in the long run so I’d advise against that approach however tempting it may be for you.
I apologize for the lengthy reply. I realize and regret in hindsight the pain and anguish I put my family through. I wish you well in your journey wherever it may lead.
Peace,
Cookies
It turns out she drank the beer while driving home from work. The excuse is that her job is very stressful around the holidays, and that she recognizes the big mistake. My concern is the overall growing frequency and amount in which she drinks. Usually, it's minimal. But throw in a party, or extreme stress, and clearly self-destructive decisions can be made.
Questions:
1. What is my role in this?- You can’t control how she is choosing to cope with stress. You can however try to be aware of what is stressing her out. Learn how to listen, kindness and empathy are welcomed. Ask “what can I do to help?” and don’t problem solve unless she asks for advice. I work in IT in a team of males and I struggle with just wanting to be heard and not “fixed” constantly. I confess in my drinking days to have justified it by saying to myself “he just doesn't understand me I may as well drink” on more than one occasion. Loneliness and isolation occur on both sides of the aisle.
2. Does my drinking have impact on her? I don't drink often, but when I do drink socially I can consume quite a bit.- No they do not from my perspective. I was an emotional drinker and how much or how little anyone around me did not, nor does it cause temptation. These days “the boundary” keeps me in check but what tempts me is not other people drinking. The vast majority of my problem drinking occurred in secret to medicate stress, anger, anxiety, and fear. I’m not your wife but this is where I was coming from.
3. Should I be concerned with her hiding alcohol? Yes this is very much a sign of at the very least a problem drinker.
4. How to I overcome the hurt of being deceived? I’ll leave this to others to answer. Hurt from being deceived you may never get over.
5. Am I forgetting something or jumping to conclusions. No you are not.
Like your wife I was a high functioning alcoholic and fortunately stopped before any awful things happened however difficult it was on the home front. I don’t think my husband was ready for imposing the boundary until the end but what would have worked and ended my drinking much sooner is the “I will not live with an active alcoholic” ultimatum. One must be ready and prepared to follow-through with such a boundary however. Idle threats are quickly realized by the “A” and we are well known for pushing them if given a chance. For me “I will stop drinking” merely turned into a game of “I will hide it much more carefully” I’ll fully confess but I am not your wife and hopefully this will not be the case with her. I would also add that monitoring expenditures, looking for hiding spots, calculating how much she drinks will merely drive YOU crazy and achieve little in the long run so I’d advise against that approach however tempting it may be for you.
I apologize for the lengthy reply. I realize and regret in hindsight the pain and anguish I put my family through. I wish you well in your journey wherever it may lead.
Peace,
Cookies
On a side note: I'm blown away by the responses. I am feeling much more confident today than yesterday and during my sleepless last night. Thank you all so much for taking your time to post, offer perspective, and help.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I applaud your efforts to learn more about addiction. I'm a recovering alcoholic (23 years) and also recovering codependent. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and probably the biggest hindrance to getting sober is denial and rationalization, which also affect the codependent. Of course hiding it is a sign of alcoholism and since everyone knows you shouldn't drink and drive, so is consumption behind the wheel of a car. She couldn't wait until she got home to drink. Unless you tie her down and pour it down her throat none of your words or actions contribute to her drinking. I define myself as an alcoholic because once I pick up a drink I have no control over how much I drink or what happens. For active alcoholics booze is their higher power, great love of their life, God and best friend.
Regarding getting over the hurt, I don't have much to offer in the way of advice. This is very typical, common alcoholic behavior. I do recommend Alanon, a 12 Step program for people involved with alcoholics.
Regarding getting over the hurt, I don't have much to offer in the way of advice. This is very typical, common alcoholic behavior. I do recommend Alanon, a 12 Step program for people involved with alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by thousandwords53
5. Am I forgetting something or jumping to conclusions? Forgetting something? Not sure where I can answer that. Jumping to conclusions? Yes. And that isn't supposed to be a bad thing. You are not stupid. Trust me you will feel plenty of that before this is over.
Aha! This is what I have problems with - jumping to conclusions -
Light bulb moment: THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A BAD THING.
Thanks for the insight!
Aha! This is what I have problems with - jumping to conclusions -
Light bulb moment: THAT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE A BAD THING.
Thanks for the insight!
I may have not known she was an AC, but I KNEW something wasn't right. It took her a LOT of effort to make me feel stupid. But once I did....I REALLY did. In the end I felt stupid for feeling stupid. Welcome to alcoholism.
Trust your instincts. It's about the clearest conversation you will ever have when it comes to dealing with living with an Alcoholic.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Personally, back when C&C was drinking my instincts were not good. My instinct was to judge her behavior because I was sure I was the one with clear understanding about the situation so was justified to be taking action about her. Thats one of the ways the "family disease" can get the non-alcoholics, we get crazy over their behavior or become convinced we can control it if only we try harder. Personally I got all into her face and her business about the drinking- playing out all kinds of scenarios in my head where all my decisions were justified and I finally taught her a lesson and got her straightened out.
Dunno about stupid or not but I sure was judgemental and aggressive about her. Thats what I'm ashamed about personally. I'm fully convinced I know a whole lot less about whats going on in her head than I thought I did; all my analyzing and reasoning was really investing in my own confusion, anger and frustration.
Dunno about stupid or not but I sure was judgemental and aggressive about her. Thats what I'm ashamed about personally. I'm fully convinced I know a whole lot less about whats going on in her head than I thought I did; all my analyzing and reasoning was really investing in my own confusion, anger and frustration.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
schnappi. Yes we are talking from a different perspective. I was never trying to get into my GF's head. I was just trying to resolve my instincts of, why do we argue, why was I always the bad guy, why was it always my fault, why did her actions make me think there was more I didn't know. The lying, cheating, underhanded actions, were all actually all just as my instincts were trying to tell me they were. For the first time in my life I had to walk on eggshells, stay prepared for battle, and always wonder why I was in trouble. My gut told me all along there was something that wasn't me causing this. Every time I tried to explore more deeply, you get whacked with a bat.
My failure was never having been exposed to an AC at an emotional level. There was 25 layers of underhanded activities in play to protect the one underlying problem. Her drinking.
Shame on me for letting her manipulate me. I knew she was I just let her convince me otherwise. I chose to ignore my instincts. Shame on no one else but me.
My failure was never having been exposed to an AC at an emotional level. There was 25 layers of underhanded activities in play to protect the one underlying problem. Her drinking.
Shame on me for letting her manipulate me. I knew she was I just let her convince me otherwise. I chose to ignore my instincts. Shame on no one else but me.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 46
Hi Concerned -
You've had lots of wonderful replies. All of which should put you on the right track. I guess I'll chime in too. So, I think I'm three weeks ahead of you. I came to SR at the end of December after I found hidden liquor receipts in my husband's pockets. I posted a question "Am I being naive?". You can read the thread sometime. We have similar experiences - high functioning spouse, deception. My advice - trust your instincts, get educated, find support and read the posts on SR.
By the way, I did eventually get my answer. Yes, I was being naive. And, those liquor receipts (whenever you have a chance to read my post). My husband told me he purchased beer and then later dumped the alcohol in the trash. What he failed to tell me...he had a couple of beers at a bar the same day he purchased the beer at the liquor store. There were also a handful of other deceptions as well. I never expected dishonesty to wedge its way into our relationship. But, it happened.
Good luck.
You've had lots of wonderful replies. All of which should put you on the right track. I guess I'll chime in too. So, I think I'm three weeks ahead of you. I came to SR at the end of December after I found hidden liquor receipts in my husband's pockets. I posted a question "Am I being naive?". You can read the thread sometime. We have similar experiences - high functioning spouse, deception. My advice - trust your instincts, get educated, find support and read the posts on SR.
By the way, I did eventually get my answer. Yes, I was being naive. And, those liquor receipts (whenever you have a chance to read my post). My husband told me he purchased beer and then later dumped the alcohol in the trash. What he failed to tell me...he had a couple of beers at a bar the same day he purchased the beer at the liquor store. There were also a handful of other deceptions as well. I never expected dishonesty to wedge its way into our relationship. But, it happened.
Good luck.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
Originally Posted by FireSprite
Kindly said, but I have seen again & again in life & here at SR that the progression of this disease does not accelerate at the same speed throughout the process. So many times people (myself included) wake up one day, look at this person & think, "Who the hell ARE you??"
I hope this is ok with jarp, but I would point you to her threads when she started SR. One minute she was dealing with a high-functioning alcoholic & the next minute her world was pretty well flipped 180. (he is working toward sobriety, btw) I always remember her story because of the rapid turn of events.
Totally ok with me!
If you don't have time to read through my train wreck 😀 FS is completely right.
One day I had a high functioning AH....had a corporate, exec level job (with the associated pay packet), and all the trimmings that go along with the illusion of this type of life...nice house, cars, the veneer of a functioning family, three lovely kids etc etc.
I would read how functioning is a stage, but I had no idea how transition between stages could be so rapid.
Within a short couple of months my AH who seemed to be functioning one day, went on a massive 2 month bender which resulted in him spending massive amounts of money living in a 5 star hotel, was constantly drunk, attempted suicide several times, lost his job, was hospitalised a number of times, and completely traumatised our family. I went from not giving a second thought to what I was buying at the grocery store, to having my cars declined at the grocery store. It was horrific.
Upon reflection he had many non functioning times, but the job allowed him to maintain a kind of mask....he and I kept saying to ourselves....he has a job, he's paid well, rested in his industry etc etc. His job kept us in denial.
He is in recovery, it is a HARD road. He's not yet working...and won't for a while.
It hapens very fast for some of us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 97
Sorry you are here...yes, alcoholism IS progressive (meaning it will get worse), and the downhill slide can come fast furiously, and is often preceded, in currently "high functioning" people with behaviors such as blackouts, being inappropriately angry with loved ones, hiding alcohol, and drinking while driving on the way home from work.
Based on what you have shared, your wife has a problem with alcoholism and she is not read to quit yet-hence her acknowledging her poor choice and her agreement to cut back. Trouble is that alcoholics can txt back. They will and can for awhile, to appease you, the person who poses a threat to her drinking lifestyle. Which is why she lied to you about the alcohol in the car, how often she hides her drinking, and her drinking and driving. It is like a spiral.you crack down on her and she will agre to change and will change, just long enough to get you off he back, and eventually she'll be right back to her old ways, except worse, and this is the spiral of profession that so many of us cling to with "hope" that this time the really mean it.
BUT until the alcoholic has a reason to quit, they will keep finding reasons not to quit. They may hit "bottom" with legal or career troubles or relationship troubles, or maybe something will happen that they realize if they continue on the path they are on the will lose everything they love. This is where a spouse or family member can help-by having clear boundaries of whatever you are willing to stick I-won't ride with you or let the kids ride with you anymore? Or won't be around you if you've ben drinking, or whatever. Not so much an ultimatum for the alcoholic, but rules for YOURSELF-what will YOU do under various conditions/scenarios.
The trust in the relationship? Depends-Trust is earned back, so in good faith a first step to earning it back is for her to get help for quitting drinking. The lying and hiding isn't really about you or you and her/your relationship at all, even tho it feels that way. It is actually a part of her disease. Understanding that was part of my own personal healing process working through relationship/trust issues after my husband got home from rehab. Besides that, we have been in couples therapy and each our own recovery programs and individual therapists. It took a lot of hard work and time.
13 months after I discovered my husband's secrets ( which included drinking on the drive home!) each of us is doing well-working our own recoveries, and ending life.
BUT, my husband had to want it. I couldn't want it for him. You have gotten great advice here-make sure you can always support yourself and your kids, learn to detach and set boundaries for yourself-this is for YOU, but sometimes jolts the alcoholic into a new way of thinking as well.
All the best-
Based on what you have shared, your wife has a problem with alcoholism and she is not read to quit yet-hence her acknowledging her poor choice and her agreement to cut back. Trouble is that alcoholics can txt back. They will and can for awhile, to appease you, the person who poses a threat to her drinking lifestyle. Which is why she lied to you about the alcohol in the car, how often she hides her drinking, and her drinking and driving. It is like a spiral.you crack down on her and she will agre to change and will change, just long enough to get you off he back, and eventually she'll be right back to her old ways, except worse, and this is the spiral of profession that so many of us cling to with "hope" that this time the really mean it.
BUT until the alcoholic has a reason to quit, they will keep finding reasons not to quit. They may hit "bottom" with legal or career troubles or relationship troubles, or maybe something will happen that they realize if they continue on the path they are on the will lose everything they love. This is where a spouse or family member can help-by having clear boundaries of whatever you are willing to stick I-won't ride with you or let the kids ride with you anymore? Or won't be around you if you've ben drinking, or whatever. Not so much an ultimatum for the alcoholic, but rules for YOURSELF-what will YOU do under various conditions/scenarios.
The trust in the relationship? Depends-Trust is earned back, so in good faith a first step to earning it back is for her to get help for quitting drinking. The lying and hiding isn't really about you or you and her/your relationship at all, even tho it feels that way. It is actually a part of her disease. Understanding that was part of my own personal healing process working through relationship/trust issues after my husband got home from rehab. Besides that, we have been in couples therapy and each our own recovery programs and individual therapists. It took a lot of hard work and time.
13 months after I discovered my husband's secrets ( which included drinking on the drive home!) each of us is doing well-working our own recoveries, and ending life.
BUT, my husband had to want it. I couldn't want it for him. You have gotten great advice here-make sure you can always support yourself and your kids, learn to detach and set boundaries for yourself-this is for YOU, but sometimes jolts the alcoholic into a new way of thinking as well.
All the best-
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by chronsweet
nods emphatically.
you mean placing a beer can under the bathroom sink isn't normal?
you mean placing a beer can under the bathroom sink isn't normal?
Or having vodka in your bottle of diet coke to sip at your slimming club meeting?
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You say that you won't interfere unless it comes to her career. Honey, when it comes crashing down, it's going to make such a gigantic mess that there's no way you could clean it up. That's if she doesn't get help before then. My mother had it all, until she didn't. Her drinking affected every part of her life and now she has nothing. She drank it all away and tried to take her own mother down with her. You can't sit back and rest on her job security to get you through this. Even if you don't ever leave, you need a plan. Hope is not a plan.
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