Jupiters

it's YOUR vacation as well. You've spent a pretty penny on the cruise too and should be able to enjoy it.
As an RA - I wouldn't expect a friend to abstain. That's just me.

Jupiters

Definitely.
If she is already asking you to not drink, she doesn't sound very stable in her sobriety. I'd mention the meetings on board (thx to Carlotta - I had NO idea) and hopefully she will take advantage of those.
I'm sure you wouldn't get plastered around her, but you have every right to want to enjoy a few drinks on what is YOUR holiday as well.

Thumper

Fair or not the request was made. You can honor that request or not. Her sobriety isn't your problem but as a friend I would feel like I owed an honest answer about what my intentions were before I got on the boat.

If you plan to drink just tell her that you will be drinking socially. She may back out but that is her decision to make.

She has the right to say I won't go on vacation with someone that drinks.
You have the right to say I won't go on an alcohol free vacation.

Doesn't make either one of you wrong. Awkward and difficult - maybe. Addictions are hard and there is no going back.

Jupiters

I find it a bit selfish of her friend to even request this. (imagine that eh? an alcoholic being selfish, oh the irony)

tomsteve

What about everyone else on the ship that wil be drinking? Do they all have To not drink during the duration of the cruise because Zoe has a problem with temptations and cavings?
I also see this as being controlling.
Imagine that!! An alcoholic trying to get people to conform to what they say!
If ya stand up and say yer gonna still have a drink with dinner there's a chance Zoe is either gonna try and make the cruise miserable for ha or Zoe is gonna get drunk and blame you.
And if Zoe is still having a problem with temptation and cravings it would be wise to avoid the cruise and work on her recovery.

I'd suggest printing out the replies here and handing them to her.

Thumper

Agreed.

My decision would be based, in large part, by how much of a drama queen the friend was. If she was constantly making requests for special treatment and just high maintenance in general I probably wouldn't agree to abstain. It would be a slipper slide of resentments and never ending requests for accommodations. If she wasn't like that at all I'd probably agree because heck - celebratory vacation with long time friend trumps wine and night caps. There is no way to really know where this lands for the OP though.

I've never been on a cruise - if they are as alcohol focused as they sound, and as tempted as the friend apparently is, I'd be a little more worried about being a babysitter than a friend on vacation. Being stuck on a boat with a friend in the middle of a relapse sounds horrid. In reality I'd rather accommodate said friend by making a major overhaul in the plans and avoid the cruise than simply abstaining.

ETA: Great minds think alike tomsteve. We cross posted, lol.

Anna

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Rosalba

Hopefully Zoe will avail herself of the opportunity to attend AA meetings on board, and it will become less of an issue for her. If she's still new to recovery and feeling shaky, I can see that she might need more support than someone with years behind them.

I have to say, I'm ENORMOUSLY impressed that cruise ships do this!

Seren

Posta have been removed permanently under SR Rule 4.

lillamy

I think the request would concern me only because it would make me question how stable her recovery is. None of my RA friends ever requested that other people not drink -- one even had a mini-bottle of champagne in his fridge, and said that whenever he got the urge to drink, he'd go stare at it and say "You are NOT stronger than my HP makes me."

Personally, I wouldn't have a problem with not drinking on a cruise. But I would probably be concerned that the request may mean your friend is struggling more than she wants to admit with her recovery. My fear would be getting stuck on a ten-day cruise with a relapsing alcoholic on my hands...

Jupiters

pretty much took the words right out of my mouth.
I'm concerned that maybe she isn't as ready as she thinks.
I went to Cuba end of November at 6.5 months sober and was pretty steadfast in my resolve to NOT drink (or so I thought) - while my relapse was quite short and small (compared to major benders I've been on) - it still caught me off guard. Prior to going, I was adamant I would NOT drink....she's already wavering (it sounds) -
maybe a chat with your friend is a good idea??

NerdlyBeauty

Shooting star, I just pray she is not just saying that to manipulate you...because she knows you probably will indulge, then use it as an excuse to indulge herself, and then blame it on you. My AXBF did that to me, and I still feel guilty...

NYCDoglvr

Tell your friend that cruise ships have AA meetings, called "Friends of Bill W". You'll find the time and place in the daily program, which appears in your stateroom. I'm a recovering alcoholic don't mind if others drink non-alcoholically around me. That said, if it could be a problem for your friend, I suggest giving it up for a few days.

Riverbird

It sounds like the two of you need to plan a different kind of celebration. If she's not comfortable doing an overnight traveling type of thing with you drinking, and you don't want to do the trip without drinking, then don't take a trip. Plan something you can do locally that will be fun for both of you. If it's that important for you to take a cruise, there should be a compromise to be worked out that doesn't make either of you right or wrong. It sounds to me like you're here trying to get others to take your side, which is a bad scenario from the start.

CAPTAINZING2000

Have you already booked the cruise?

There are cruises for sober people
http://www.sobercelebrations.com/

NYCDoglvr

As a recovering alcoholic who has also been on many cruise ships (professionally), I can say it can be one of the best vacations for recovering alcoholics because daily meetings are available. That said, it can be a problem if the recovering alcoholic doesn't go to meetings.

987g

Personally, I wouldn't drink but that is just me. That is just my personality! Do some reading about addiction and alcoholism, it might help you to understand more of where she's coming from...or to atleast know this part of her personality now.

Sungrl

You don't have the problem. You can drink as much you want IMO.

I am not suggesting getting s*** faced, but come on. You are not an alcoholic and you should not have to abstain for her. She is a big girl and has to learn to ward off temptation on her own. This is a celebratory cruise for you both. You celebrate however you want. As all have said, there are meetings she can attend. Her sobriety is hers.

You enjoy a few glasses of wine with dinner, have an after dinner cocktail if you so choose. Heck, wake up and enjoy a bloody mary with brunch.

I realize this forum is filled with ladies and gents who have seen alcohol make their lives a living hell. Myself included. But at the end of the day I am not afflicted with the disease of addiction and I know my limits and what I expect of myself. You go and have a great time by doing whatever the heck YOU want.

meggem

I don't think it's fair at all that she asked you to remain sober. And I feel bad you are in this predicament because it sounds like a lose/lose. If you comply you may feel resentful, if you speak up, it's likely to cause waves.

Her addiction belongs to her.

When mine got sober, I continued my social drinking. One thing I did not do was bring beer in the house. That was his vice. I like beer but I didn't need to take it that far.

Bitter about the Ex you suggest?

I also have a cousin, love him dearly. He has been on 'deaths door' supposedly for a few years. Doctors keep telling him, you are one drink away from death (pancreatitis). He has been in the hospital several times.

One Christmas (few years ago) there was a family debate about not having alcohol since cousin was going to be there.

I voted for alcohol. Sorry. I'm not an alcoholic but I do like to get my wine on during holidays or festive events. Not my problem.

My father is also a diabetic, should we not have dessert too?

LexieCat

One thing you didn't mention, and it really doesn't matter except that it might make a difference to you. How long has she been sober?

I don't have a problem with her making the request, which is the kind of thing any friend might ask of another. Let's say she couldn't stand perfume, for example (I know a couple of people who are severely allergic, and others who simply can't stand it), and she asked you not to wear it on this cruise. It's her problem, sure--not yours. Still, if it's a small thing and it was a friend I liked well enough to go on a cruise with (and I have MANY friends I wouldn't want to take a vacation with, let alone all the togetherness you get on a cruise), I'd probably accommodate her (if I were a social drinker, that is).

Yes, other people will be drinking on the cruise, but she probably won't be spending as much time with other people.

And maybe she "shouldn't" have a problem with being around alcohol (especially if there are AA meetings), but it sounds like she does. She wants your company, but doesn't want her main traveling companion to drink.

So bottom line is, it really IS totally up to you whether to abstain for those few days, or up to her if you refuse and it bothers her enough not to go. How important is it--either drinking or spending time with her--to YOU? It kind of sounds as if you feel like it shouldn't be a big deal for her and she shouldn't have asked, but that really isn't the point (or shouldn't be, as far as you're concerned). It's equally valid to consider whether it "should" be so important to you to drink on the cruise.

I'm not suggesting one answer is better than the other, just that they are both valid points to think about.